Complex range of emotions when dressed up

[Sandi Beech]

Hi all,

I have read numerous posts saying crossdressing has a calming effect among other things. I am sure that is true. It simply does not feel as if it applies so much to me. It feels much more complicated.

I tried putting into words the complex range of things going on in my head when I dress up, and this is what I came up with:

Escapism - being someone else frees my mind of the troubles life throws at me. This is a big one. For a short time, I am not the same person.

Attraction to the female form as a work of art. I suspect many of us have this attraction. I like what I see in the mirror when I dress up.

Humiliation and stage fright - this is a bit of a weird one. This is what I believe partly triggers my adrenaline rush of going out dressed - do it enough and it subsides. Initially, I felt very exposed as if on a stage in front of the world. Oddly I find that exciting but less of a factor these days.

Missed out in my youth - dating , dancing etc. I was far too shy to be able to enjoy myself in social settings back then. Add the lack of confidence and boyish looks, and I had a real lack of confidence. Some reason I have become much more confident while dressed. I can not explain it, but it has opened opportunities I missed in my youth - like dancing with women.

Touch and Feeling of clothing - the feel of some women?s clothing is awesome and nothing like mens wear.

Love the look and feel of smooth hairless skin - especially with a nice suntan.

Smell of perfume - simply adds to the feminization experience. There must be some kind of subliminal thing going on here as some scents makes me weak at the knees ; )

Desire to be one of the girls in social gatherings. The feel of belonging.

Desire to be the pretty popular girl who gets all the attention. I love attention.

Fascination with all the nuances of the opposite sex - like one song goes - every thing she does is magic.

Complexity of all the clothing variation
and ability to adorn my body with jewelry and accessories. This is just fun.

Facial transformation - is that really me in the mirror? It almost looks like a body modification. Fascinating.

Inadequacies of stereotypical male athleticism that do not apply while in fem mode. I always felt inadequate athletically speaking and that is wiped away when crossdressed.

Validation from others - a strong motivator. Every time I had second thoughts about going out, it seems someone would say something to validate that what I do is ok with complements - just enough to make me want to keep doing it.

Desire to roll back time clock - to feel look and feel young again - makeup does wonders. Not a factor when I was younger, but it is now. People think I am much younger than I look, which I love.

Ability to meet people who would otherwise pass me by. I have had women drag me up to the dance floor when dressed up. In guy mode - forget it, not going to happen. I feel like a bore in drab.
??

Then there is the after outing side effects:

Relief of not being outed to known persons
Relief of not being harassed
Let down of having to go back to drab
Daydreaming of last interactions
Forward looking obsession with planning my next outing
Desire to shop for a new outfit
Driven to improve looks in some way

These feelings are at a conscience level. There may be lower level things I am not able to understand with any sort of logic.

Obviously I think about dressing a lot. I am just wondering if others have a complex range of feelings as I do, or am I am anomaly?


Sandi

[Kris Burton]

A fascinating post Sandi - so well thought out, and thank you for putting so much of this into words!

I can say I relate to each and every one of the items you mention here. I particularly like the "missing out on your youth part" - that is so true in my case too, and with CDing I get to make up for that a bit, experience some measure of that missed portion of being young. In fact, about the only one that does not seem to apply in my case is the "calming" effect. When dressed, I am quite excited actually - sexually to be sure, and with anticipation of experiencing those sensations as well as the many positive benefits you mention here. If I feel a calming effect at all it is in the "escapism" element, as it seems my persona exists in the immediate moment - the world and its troubles are for a short time gone. In my instance I also experience the thrill of getting away with something so many consider taboo - but in truth I am doing absolutely nothing wrong.

As I have mentioned before in this forum, for me the psychological benefit has been dramatic. Years of therapy was not able to address the issues that are mentioned here. I think if you were to see what are the reasons CDing has made such a change in my outlook, these are the reasons that would be uncovered.

[Fiona_44]

Sandi,

I found your post to be extremely interesting for a number of reasons. First of all I've read numerous other posts about what CD's feel while dressed but none as comprehensive as yours. Second I admire your honesty in listing such a complete range of emotions. And lastly it made me think more about what emotions I experience when presenting as Fiona.

1. For me now, escapism is very high on my list. My wife passed away 7 months ago (we were together 42 yrs) and these 7 months have been extremely difficult. Going out as Fiona allows me to escape the grief for a time. I can't escape it completely but the sorrow and grief are less debilitating. Along with consulting a bereavement counselor and participating in a support group, cross dressing is part of my recovery process. As things improve in the future, escapism will naturally move down the list but will always be part of why I dress.
2. I have been a girl-watcher and admirer of the female form all my life and the desire to emulate that form plays a part in how I feel. As you said, the female form can often be a true work of art.
3. I have discovered a great desire to let the feminine part of me play a greater role in my life. It is certainly not a hard & fast rule but women often handle their interactions with other people in a much different manner than men do. I want to discard some of the male way of doing things in favor of a different way of dealing with people & situations that we all experience in life.
4. I'm with you on the age thing. I'm older than you and sincerely wish I could turn back the clock. But dressing as Fiona does indeed make me look younger and I love that feeling.
5. For the first few weeks of going out en femme, I did not want anyone to look at me for fear of being outed. But that has changed as I've gotten more confident in the way I look. I am now finding I am enjoying some attention being directed at me by both women & men.
6. I love the way that lingerie, skirts and dresses feel on me when I'm wearing them. So very thrilling.
7. After reading so many comments from ladies about how they felt so relaxed when out en femme, I expected to feel similarly. However, while I do feel somewhat relaxed, it is nowhere near what others have described. It seems there is a constant, low level of excitement that underlies all I feel while out & about and I think it is mostly sexual in nature. It's not nervousness at all. I've only been nervous a few times but have been surprised at how comfortable I always feel as Fiona.
8. I really enjoy trying to make myself look pretty and attractive.

I do not think you are alone in having such a wide range of complex emotions about cross dressing. I believe it is the norm in the CD community.

Fiona

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses Kris and Fiona. I do think a lot about why I do this activity. On a positive note, I do not have any self criticism for wanting to crossdress. No shame at all. I think my experiences have enriched my life. It is just a curious thing as to why I do it, and what do I get out of it. It is fascinating and often a topic of discussion when I am clubbing.

; )

Sandi

[Rachel Anne]

I appreciate the thoughts. My story is a little different, but suffice to say, I've felt many of the same things.

Over time, I've come to accept my drift from one side to the middle. Then I went out on a date with an old friend. Talk about complicated emotions. In my 20's I would have been no way. Now a little older, and I'm like under different circumstances, I could make this work.

[Geena75]

Thank-you for such a well thought out post. I can relate to almost all of your points (on a very limited basis) and it puts into words so many feelings. Well done!

[alwayshave]

Sandi, Wow are you spot on with most of them as to me. I love the escapism. I'm big on the female form. While I had stage fright initially going out, I don't any more. Never been big on humiliation. I was shy as a youth and like the confidence required to dress as a women. Touch and Feeling of clothing is killer for me. I hate body hair. Smell of perfume, love it. I have always hung out with the girls. I do like one's clothes and accessories. I do like the change of my face with makeup.

[Sandi Beech]

Hey Jamie,

I may have not really described the humiliation factor quite correctly. For me it was more the thrill of the possibility of getting caught - triggering an adrenaline response. I have gone out so many times since 2017, it is negligible now, but in my early days it was a large factor and not really a good one. Nevertheless, it was a portion of my emotional response. Now, other factors are far more impacting.

Sandi

[Crissy 107]

Hi Sandi, That is an excellent post listing the range of emotions you go through. While I have never gone to the extent you have I can go down your list and easily see how it applies.
You are an amazing member and we all benefit from your experiences.

[TheHiddenMe]

My complex set of emotions usually run something more like this:

1. Does this outfit show the spare tire around my waist?
2. After eating, how to best redo my lipstick without messing it up completely?
3. If I'm out with a girlfriend, have I reminded her I don't like to talk when we go to the restroom together?
4. If I walk into a place around here, is there anyone I know in here (the boy me, that is)?
5. When is my wife going to be home so I can beat her home?
6. Where am I going to change back to a boy to get in the house?
7. Who is Michelle going to introduce me to this time and how are they going to react to a CD?
8. When I walk into a place with Michelle, who is freaking gorgeous, how many people are going to turn and look and notice me?
9. Where is a mirror so I can see I'm actually out dressed?
10. Can they crank up the a/c so I don't melt away?

On a more serious note (not that all of those aren't real), I don't understand why I like to dress, but I do. I'm still the same person under the clothes, I just have a different set of friends and experiences.

I guess the best way is saying is that dressing is my "fix". I like (love) the clothes, the feel, the look. I like wearing heels and nylons. Like Sandi, I am always looking forward to the next time out; what am I going to do, what am I going to wear? Gotta get that high.

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks to everyone who has responded , and Dee I definitely have your #10 in mind a lot as the heat index has been around 102 where I live. I hate it when I start sweating while dressed.

Sandi

[MarinaTwelve200]

I feel all sorts of strange "undefinable" feelings too. Feels fun though. The main one is just a "high", I suppose from breaking "taboos" and getting away with it. I think the brain is very "protective" of it's "normal" mage of self, and initially "resists"--- making us a bit hesitant to go through with the dressing, but once we do it, the "high" is the result. I also feel VERY "relaxed" and can feel "stress" just draining away and the "springs" unwinding in my head. and in the background is another good feeling of "looking pretty". ---- I AM Closeted though and don't go out, but I really don't feel the need to. My main activity while dressed is to take photos and experiment with different looks I can give myself -- while trying to get a grasp of what I would look like had I been born a female.

[Mary Loo]

Well, I agree with many of your points, Sandi, but others I can not necessarily relate to since I have never left the house en Femme.

Yes, the escapism,
Yes, the admiration of the female form,
Yes, the feel of the material and the clothes ( this has historically been a major factor for me )
Yes, the looking and feeling younger ( though my makeup skills stink and really haven’t accomplished actually looking much younger yet.
Yes, the accessories and little things, which add to the escapism and the adoration
Yes, the taboo and sexual excitement (though different lately and a less strong. Also, probably one of the biggest draws to dressing )
Yes, the increased confidence or lack of shyness ( though as I have aged and been more comfortable with myself that has happened anyway, independent of CDing.
Yes, the wanting or seeking validation, but I haven’t gotten much of that since my wife doesn’t want to see me dressed and again I haven’t gone out.

I still have a long way to go before or if I ever leave the house, but I do enjoy reading about everyone else’s stories and outings. To be perfectly honest, I had never even considered going out in public until discovering this site and reading all the stories. I have always in the past just used dressing as a short term escape and sexual gratification. Now it is much more about the overall emulation and full transformation and escapism of trying to look like a women ( the hard part being a classy, attractive woman ). I am still so early in my journey. Though I truly started and got hooked decades ago in my youth, it has only been about 4 months since I really started again.

Thanks for a interesting thread.

[jaquie]

These are things I think about a lot and you have illuminated these thoughts/feelings so well.
I especially like;
Desire to be one of the girls in social gatherings. The feel of belonging.

Girls get to act flirty and freely and it is just so fun to be a girl out with the girls.

Thank you

[Debs]

Sandi, over the years , yes have gone through all those emotions, but most of all the thing that makes me happy, looking down and seeing my gorgoues shoes, and feeling the click, click , click, something so trivial, but yet so powerful in my desire to dress

[Yinlingyen]

Sandi,
I am right with you on those terms.
I think you have ticked all the boxes for me.
Personally in terms of ranking going from top priority is
1- Being a sexy desirable woman as perceived by a man
2- Being someone else, living in another persons shell
3- The feel and look of womens' clothes and lingerie
4- The feel of being totally hair free from the eyebrows down
5- The look and feel of a gel mani/pedicure
6- The look feel and walking gait of super high heel sandals
7- The sexy smell of perfume
8- The looks in mens eyes when they see me
9- The disdain in womens eyes when they see me
10- The posture and feminine mannerism.

[Mermaiden]

Right on! I think Sandi just schooled 100 years of psychology experts trying to explain CD. The only negative emotion I?ll add is sometimes I feel guilt about CDing, especially as it brings some stress to my marriage.

[Sandi Beech]

Interesting responses so far. One thing I had not thought about is that those who only dress at home and are DADT never get to experience any validation. I guess that is the key to why I have tried to encourage people to get out there. Granted there are risks, but the rewards can be so gratifying. With the absence of that validation from others, the guilt feelings are probably hard to get over for some.

I know many of you encourage people to go out just as I do. Dee comes to mind as a promoter of outings. I did not relate that the validation received in outings is what in part melted away my guilt.

Sandi

[GretchenM]

Wow, Sandi that is a post worth printing and framing. An excellent and very complete list of the many things that can go on in our heads. I agree that many if not most of us can relate to the items in your list. I don't know if it is complete or not but I can't imagine there is a whole lot more than this. Anything I would add is really a part of something that is already there.

The dressing produces relaxation aspect is certainly true with me, but I don't think that was intended to cover everyone and actually refers to a somewhat different contrasting condition. I relax for awhile and I mean euphorically relax, but then some of the points in your list come to mind and I can spend a lot of time mulling those over to see how they apply to me in detailed terms. It is a wonderful way to look much more deeply into yourself. Unlike you, I don't go out fully dressed so obviously some of your list doesn't apply to me but I certainly agree that for those who, like you, are out a lot some points are very important.

If I recall the relaxation aspect is usually in the context of what the "gender=sex muggles" thinks happen - we get very turned on. I think most of us have had that happen at one time or the other, but that generally fades once a person has dressed enough that the portions of the brain (the amygdala and two parts of the pre-frontal cotex) become conditioned to that stimulus and no longer react in that way. It is just what you do; no big deal so your amygdala which is a worry wort goes back on standby. But the literature often refers to the relaxation aspect to show that people who are gender variant and dysphoric at the time can relieve the dysphoria by dressing and moving into that other identity they are fully capable of living, at least for some period of time, and fully absorb and enjoy the experience. Of course, if you are not dysphoric at the time the relaxation barely happens because you are already connected to that part of your identity and you are just expressing outwardly what state of being that is currently very active in your brain.

Sandi, you are not an anomaly. But the multitude of feelings you experience are an integral part of being like this in the social world of our culture. Might not apply in Indonesia or in Fiji where the thinking about people like us is often quite different and we are often considered just a normal with an unusual characteristic - we all have at least one of those odd aspects. In that world it is part of being human. Here we tend to have an ideal that we are all expected to strive toward and bunch around. But we are changing by fits and starts.

In people who are not capable of the kinds of gender identity wandering the more trans-like people are capable of experiencing very easily, few of those reactions occur even if they wear the clothes of the other gender. However, they might be surprised as well as to what they do feel as wearing the clothes can often trigger connections to traits and characteristics that are more feminine than they imagined they were capable of. In the most modern gender theories, we all have some innate traits and characteristics of the opposite gender even though they are perhaps rarely used or felt. We just have a bigger pile of them. They might feel extreme emotional tensions of various kinds, but even deeper they might find some other emotions that are not so familiar that are in the forefront of our minds a lot. And they might recognize that most women seem to experience those things almost constantly. And they might actually like that feeling even though it is a bit scary to have that feeling if you think you are purely male. Welcome to reality.

But, Sandi, I love your list and I think it provides a wonderful tool for us to recognize and keep in mind, no matter what type or stage you are at in this journey, if you find yourself part of this community in general. It can go a long ways to help newbies understand that they are not ready for the loony bin and are just different when it comes their gender identity. Embrace what is there and enjoy it because it is a vital part of "YOU" that the newbie has uncovered. And always remember the same kinds of things can happen to women who rather suddenly identify with a man. It is OK. It is normal for many.

[Debbie Denier]

Hi Sandie, I think you have ticked virtually every CD box on your list. I can relate to nearly everything. I dont go out only did once at night 40yrs ago a non event. I used to enjoy the thrill of trying on outfits in shops . I can relate to the calmness and relaxation which has come more with age. You mention shyness. I was a painfully shy young man. I dressed long before I had relationships. I was confused then being attracted to women not men but wanting to dress in fem clothes. I married had kids and CD came back in 2011. This resulted in being found out by non accepting wife and coming out to my mother.Unlike many others I found the validation mentioned from my mother. The guilt and shame is not as bad as it was but is sometimes still there.The desire to go out again has come back. Encouraged by members on this site. However I need a crash course in make up application. Never seem to have the time or place due to other commitments. Hopefully one day. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[docrobbysherry]

I can relate to many of your points, Sandi. But, the best way to sum up my dressing is:

After others here helped me get get rid of my shame and guilt, which took years, it's been "Katy bat the door" for Sherry!

I consider myself a "closet dresser", Sandi. Because I'm not out to anyone except immediate family.
But, I receive PLENTY of validation from my photos, safely, online!

[Sandi Beech]

This has been an interesting discussion, and Gretchen, you always have interesting and thoughtful insights.

I probably should have made it clear that I do not identify as tran. As a crossdresser who flips the switch back and forth between gender presentation, the effects are either full on, or mostly off. It is difficult to put crossdressing out of my mind completely when the switch is flipped off. In years past, when I wanted to try to suppress it, my hobbies were a distraction as long as I could stay actively engaged. Once the interest in my hobby fell off, I would gravitate back to crossdressing. Now I embrace it as part of the complicated me.

Sandi

[Joanne108]

Okay Let me see: I definitely have an admiration of the female form, so much so that I feel elation when I replicate it. I do love the feel of women's clothes putting no my breast forms, my makeup the wig etc...
Is it escapism if I am being myself? When I am done I feel: elated, surprised and aroused that I look somewhat like a woman, mostly I feel good. I have not felt shame or guilt ever since the day that I fessed up to my then fiance that I had this habit. She knows and sometimes approves and sometimes doesn't. However the fact that we are still married and she knows and has seen me many times as Joanne has demolished any feeling of shame or guilt for me.

[kimdl93]

Sandi, your list of emotions certainly touched on the feelings and thoughts I have experienced over the years. Being a trans-like person, I may interpret some of these feelings a bit differently than a non-trans person, given their context within my life.

[lyla_occasionally]

This is one of the most interesting posts I've ever read about the topic. Thank you for it.

Thought provoking for me.

Sandi, you've made me think about 'escapism'. Is it what I feel? (Context: I'm a closeted crossdresser, I've never been out, I've never experienced social interactions other than with my gf.) When I can work from home, I do that en femme (when there are no video calls expected). I'm always myself, doing the same things, just looking differently for an observer. And being (and working) like this makes me feel very calm. I don't understand why - not yet. But I'm not sure this could be an escapism in my case.

Another feeling not mentioned here so far - I feel I understand my gf (women, generally) much better. In many ways. I will never ever ask why she spends so much time caring about her face, skin, whatever. Why it takes so much time before she can go out. I do understand it now. (It's changed me in a positive way.)