Not A Man

[Jade P]

My wife saw an old picture of me the other day and said, thats when I liked being married to you because you were a man. I said I still am. She said No you are not. I thought about what she said and she is right. I am neither a man or a woman, I am in between both, I am half man and half woman. A little background. I came out to my wife of over 30 years 4 years ago. I under dress in panties and pantyhose daily but want to wear more feminine clothing. I also shave my body. I dont want to have surgery but I would like to dress more often in private and be more of a woman around the house. My wife isnt attracted to me anymore, she has told me she likes masculine men. We are married friends, but she is unhappy and feels stuck in our marriage.

[bridget thronton]

This seems to be the story for many here - wives accept because they love us, but sometimes are disappointed we are not as masculine as they thought we once were (I am not convinced I was ever that person)

[1Ladyjade]

Jade you are definitely not alone in that situation. My wife isn't happy with my dressing either. I am fortunate enough to have the ability to dress while at work. So I can dress for sometimes hours and then go back to drab mode to go home for my wife. She doesn't want to see me dressed. Said something very similar to what your wife said she married a masculine man that's what she wants to see. Sorry but you got to do some real deep soul searching and decide if your Jade or wife is more important to you. I love wife first but if she ultimatums me Jade or her I will have to do that same soul search. But I know Jade will win.

[Stephanie47]

You brought this issue up in 2020. In that previous thread you posted that you left your hair grow back on your body and nothing changed; still lived as friends. If she is not going to change, perhaps it is time for divorce talk. Sounds like she has tossed you aside as you no longer fit her mindset of a masculine man. The issue going forward is whether living without intimacy is going to hold a marriage together when both spouses still crave it. That first sentence is this post is really telling if it came unsolicited. If she is expressing what she is actually feeling does that mean she does not like like being married to you anymore? If that's the case, then I'd say the situation is hopeless for the future. It's not going to make a difference if you meet all the other perceived requirements and accomplishments of a "masculine man."

[Kris Burton]

Perhaps you could ask what qualities she values in a "masculine" man that you, in her opinion, no longer possess. Is it just the clothes? Her answer might be revealing.

[docrobbysherry]

They should invent a name for men like u, Jade. Like mawoman? 1/2 man-1/2 woman? Part man and woman?

Wait! How about "trans"!?

[Stephanie47]

Perhaps you could ask what qualities she values in a "masculine" man that you, in her opinion, no longer possess. Is it just the clothes? Her answer might be revealing.

I agree. Has there been a total makeover? Or, just something additional added?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jade , Sounds like you are between a Rock and a Hard Place, >Orchid**OO**

[Judy-Somthing]

Sounds like my situation.

I feel the same about her, 1st 10 - 15 years of marriage she wore dresses and lingerie, not in the last 25, not at all.

[Karren H]

I understand completely! It's hell being caught between two genders, not really fitting well into either!

[kimdl93]

Your marriage does not sound all that friendly, honestly.

[Teresa.Smith.VA]

Jade, I'm curious to understand what is holding your marriage together as a marriage. Is it for financial reasons, or what? It appears that your marriage as "friends" leaves you both with unhappiness and frustration. I wish you both good luck and hope your situation improves.

[Angela Marie]

Fortunately I told my wife before we were married. The first time I got a makeover she was shocked. I think she thought I would just look like a guy with makeup. She did go to a few cd parties with me but told me it really was not her thing. So she accepts my dressing and the fact that I am gender fluid. She just asks that I not wear feminine attire when we go out. This, in my opinion, is a reasonable request. I shop for women's clothes and makeup with her and we have a lot of laughs. Overall I am lucky she is so open minded.

[Crissy 107]

Your marriage does not sound all that friendly, honestly.

Unfortunately I agree with Kim on this, I feel it is a bad situation for all involved

[Kitty Sue]

Sounds like its time for you two to have a talk. Perhaps with a counselor who can be a neutral moderator and offer you some suggestions that may work for you both either apart or together.

[Debbie Denier]

I think the same can happen in any marriage. I have been married for 30 years. The dynamics change , children circumstances etc. Its different from the initial dating years.My wife is non accepting but we still love each other. We have to adapt, change and compromise. Maybe you could too. I would definitely not throw it all away and have a talk. Try not to take each other for granted and sort something out.I understand your dilemma.

[TAG]

You can't blame her for how she feels.
She married a masculine man and that man has faded away.
How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

[Jade P]

My wife has told me that the only reason she stays married to me is because of our family. We are empty nesters and grandparents. So living as married friends is the result. We do have good times and bad mostly related to me being gender fluid. Separate bedrooms and no intimacy. My wife did agree to marry a man 30 years ago. My need to be feminine just increases over time. I accept and love the way I am.

[Jane G]

Being feminine is less important that simply being yourself. My wife caught me dressed years after we married. She married the man. She still loves the man, but crucially she knows me. Who I am, that I won't change. So I can still be the man she loves and she accepts there is much more to me than that.

I hope you two can find that balance.

I first went to a councillor alone. Crucially my wife eventually attended one session, where a third independent party was able to tell her what she already knew. That I was a bit different to most men and would never change. That single session was a vital point for us. It was 30+ years ago.

[JohnH]

My wife tells me in a good natured way, "You are not a man".

[alwayshave]

Jade, I'm sorry that things are not going well in your marriage. Not to pile on, but this is why I told my now wife before we got serious. I wanted her to know exactly what she was getting. She gets the guy much more than the girl, so I think she is happy.

[NancyJ]

It is hard, for sure. Sex is important in marriages. No doubt about it. Even though I wear panties, my wife has made it clear that she wants a man in the bedroom. I suspect there are more complicated issues in your marriage than your choice of underwear. My marriage improved A LOT when I asked what I could do to help her love accept and love me more and I listened and started doing those things for her. In my mind, in my marriage, she comes first, not me. But that’s how we did it. :-) Nancy

[Jade P]

My wife isnt good natured about it but she isnt being mean either. I think she is just being truthful that she doesnt see me as a man anymore.

[Paulie Birmingham]

we all have our preferences. if my wife started wearing beards and prosthetics, it wouldn't work for me. i married a feminine woman and thats what i want. if i wanted to be with a man ...

[Kitty Sue]

we all have our preferences. if my wife started wearing beards and prosthetics, it wouldn't work for me. i married a feminine woman and thats what i want. if i wanted to be with a man ...

This is an important point IMO that I try to keep in mind. Even though I am bisexual if my wife walked around me presenting as a man I would not find that very attractive. I married a woman and I like her to look like one. If she dressed as a man around me every now and again I would be fine with it, but not daily or even frequently. I would also feel a bit slighted if she had not told me this before we married. In saying that it would not have been a deal breaker for me.

My wife has said I can dress around her, but I choose not to. My wife married a man and I did not tell her about my dressing until after we married. I don't think it fair to expect her to see me dressing as a woman when I did not tell her about my CDing before we married. If I had been honest with my dressing prior to marriage perhaps I would be more open to dressing around my wife. Further if I told her about my dressing before we married she could have decided whether that was something she wanted to deal with or not. TBH I think she would have been okay with my CDing. However, I selfishly did not give her that option. Interestingly I told her I had had sexual experiences with men, but I did not tell her about my CDing, despite telling women in previous relationships

I do still underdress at times, or put on a pair of leggings when my wife and daughter are not home and generally I am satisfied with that.