Being visible

[Jenn A116]

Not sure I'm posting this in the right part of the forum but I'm sure a Mod will move it if need be.

I recently was on a cruise on a family friendly cruise line. While on board my wife and I were seated for dinner with a lovely lesbian couple. They are older (as are my wife and I) and live in NYC. We had a wonderful open discussion with them and found that they were both active in the gay rights movement going back to the 60's. Some very interesting stories about the repression back then and how far they have come, as well as how far they still have to go.

Anyway, part of the lesson learned is that visibility is so important to the community being accepted. Once the "general public" meets a LGBTQ person and finds out that they are pretty much just regular people with the same goals as them then acceptance quickly follows. That was the genesis of the Gay Rights parades back then and Pride Month now. It struck me that we (the CD/TG/TS) community are at the start of a similar journey towards acceptance.

I know its hard, but being visible not just to others in similar positions, but also the public in general, will go a long way towards gaining acceptance in society.

[GretchenM]

Jenn, you make an excellent point. The more we are seen and people realize we are not aliens from another world determined to snatch them and convert them (see old SciFi movie "The Body Snatchers") the more accepted we will be. Just act normal. And you don't have to dress to the nines, in fact, that is just what you shouldn't do if you are going to the grocery store. But if you want you can also do that. We are like everyone else - different. Bits and pieces are noticed and add to the realization that we are just regular people that are a tad different in some ways.

[kimdl93]

Words of wisdom. I have been getting out far more regularly of late. I am mostly doing this for my own mental health. As I gain confidence and comfort presenting myself as a woman, I suppose a collateral benefit is being seen, and hopefully seen in a positive light. I try to dress appropriately for the situation and in a manner that reflects well upon me and, by extension other transgender people.

[docrobbysherry]

Jenn, I'm afraid it has a lot to do with Western and American culture!

I've discovered that dressing the way I do inspires fear and hate in a number of Americans.

Where as in Asian cultures with different religious backgrounds, the same looks inspired interest and curiosity!

[Helen_Highwater]

When I first started going out in public and by that I mean into the shops I made the decision to talk to the SA's when paying. Engaging in a bit of chit chat while they deal with your items, please and thank you go a long way, just being like any other customer I feel helps our cause enormously. I've chatted to ticket collectors on trains as well as other passengers, servers in restaurants, just about anyone I come into contact with.

I hope they see the person and not the clothes. Unless of course they happen to like the blouse I was wearing!

[Cheryl T]

Absolutely correct Jenn.
The more we present ourselves in public the less we will be seen as an oddity. Along with that is the need to present ourselves in the best light possible.

[TAG]

Being visible is a good thing IMO its just the wrong part of the community is getting all the attention.
I agree with Helen be nice and strike up conversation.
Don't be the loud overbearing demanding type.
You remember the "its Ma'am" person that got so defensive ?
Those people make it bad for the rest.
Be civil be nice don't act like a demanding crybaby.

[Jean 103]

Being visible as a TG person or whatever is different than being gay.

For the most part people don't know you're gay unless you tell them.

With me there's no question. I'm out and pretty popular. As my BFF says " everybody loves you ". Most maybe but not everybody.

I hang out with just regular people, not as you say others like us. I experience things that most people never will, as I live as Jean.

Here's a funny thing. Some people are like afraid to be out in public with me. They know me from like the bar, or something. I don't know why they think it would be any different anywhere else, but they do. It's like the fear you have when you're first going out. I find that goes away very quickly once they're out in public with me.

They see that everybody treats me just like they treat everyone else. Well not exactly, people tend to treat me a little nicer than everybody else.

So I do my part by just being me.

Love Jean

[Jenn A116]

Thanks all that have contributed so far. It seems that we are pretty much in agreement that visibility is important.

Hoping that we hear more voices on this thread.

[Stephanie47]

I've discovered that dressing the way I do inspires fear and hate in a number of Americans.

I have to agree with Sherry. There's a lot of depends to coming out. Where does a person live? Who employs the person? Etc. My wife has a good friend, a lesbian would has a wife. I also have known this woman for more than a decade. Also, her wife. Talk to her, and, she and her wife are seriously considering emmigrating to Canada due to the political climate which is becoming more adversarial. Of course, she and her wife are of retirement age and can easily relocate. That is not a luxury for younger people. I will throw out there, what will happen if you decide to don a dress and heels in your neighborhood? Will the invitations to socialize with neighbors, church friends and coworkers disappear?

Yes, going about one's day will give visibility, but will it get you any more personal acceptance. And, don't tell me, they are not true friends, either.

[sometimes_miss]

Jenn, I'm afraid it has a lot to do with Western and American culture!

I've discovered that dressing the way I do inspires fear and hate in a number of Americans.

<snip>

^this. I spent my entire childhood being ostracized for looking different (I had a big birthmark on my face), and having had the will to fight back beaten out of me before I even entered school, was labeled as a sissy or coward, and so became the punching bag for any kid who wanted to prove what a man he was.
So I remember well, that there are some people out there that simply want to beat us up or even kill us, just because what we are, makes them feel uncomfortable for various reasons. As such, I'm not willing to put myself at risk just to 'further the cause'. I'm not a martyr. I have no intention to put myself in danger of having to fight someone just because they feel the need to fight me, and then we both wind up in jail, only with me in a dress. It doesn't matter anymore that I'm now well able to physically defend myself and would very likely win the fight, we'd still both wind up in jail.
So I applaud those of you who wish to be front line soldiers 'for the cause'.
I can't bring myself to do it. Life is too short to intentionally make my life any more difficult than it already is.

[Maid_Marion]

My boss used to claim that he was a member of the hippie generation and there was nothing the younger generation could do that would upset him like he upset his parents.
Which is why he could only smile when he saw me wearing a skirt for the first time!

I'm lucky that I look very good as a woman. Did you know that only 8% of women have an hourglass figure?
My genetics are such that I still store fat in my bust and hips when my waist is obscenely thin.

Marion

[Heisthebride]

As I have aged, become more comfortable with myself and started caring less about what others think I have made a point of trying to be more visible. Not just for myself but for others in the community and as a normalization to the public as a whole. I will go to and from, and attend some events fully en femme. I will sometimes go out non binary, meaning a male shirt, no makeup but with a skirt and sometimes heels. I have even gone to work in a skirt recently when it's been really hot outside. Three or four times a year I will get full gel nail extensions and color and wear them for about two weeks both in male and female mode.

It's tiring hiding all the time and I want to normalize it for everyone including myself.

I only ask you to be careful though, choose your outings with your safety in mind, use common sense. Maybe don't go to a biker bar wearing a sequin gown. But going out to pick up a quart of milk can be easily done in a denim skirt and a casual tee. Enjoy this part of yourself, you are all awesome!

[Aunt Kelly]

This!
While I would never slight an individual for wanting to keep their identity private, I fully recognize that visibility is what normalizes us. I have seen the kind of transformation that interaction with us can have on people with little or no exposure to us. It is profound and oh so gratifying, to see them experience that "ah-ha moment". Usually though, it's far less dramatic, but no less positive when you realize that they've learned that we're nothing like what they've been taught to be afraid of.

[Jamie001]

I don't believe that there is a parallel between lesbian or gay folks and crossdressers. The big difference is that lesbian and gay folks came out of the closet loud and proud. On the other hand I believe that over 90 percent of crossdressers are closeted and will remain closeted. They simply don't have the courage that the Lesbian and Gay folks display.

[Rachelakld]

CDers were visible in my community in the 80's - normally after dark, in see through close and looking for income and left condoms all over the streets
Same era that the gays started hanging around public toilets.
2 years ago, another CDer (maybe trans) at the shopping mall going off her rocker at someone (mental issues probably).

So it's how we act when visible, that makes an impression

[Krisi]

Honestly, I don't think that guys dressing up like women with wigs, fake boobs and fake butts is ever going to be considered "normal". It may come to be tolerated in some cases, but not accepted as "normal".

Let's say you owned a plumbing or electrical business. You could send gay or lesbian people out to people's homes or businesses to do installations or repairs, but could you really send a guy dressed as a woman? No, I don't think so.

Personally, my goal is not to be accepted as a crossdresser, but to pass as a "real" woman. Obviously, this is not easy, and I can only do this under certain circumstances, but that is my goal.

[Jackie27]

I am going out and being more visible in my own town but I try to keep a low profile while doing it. We, I mean the residents of my town are pretty conservative politically and I have to be careful. I go shopping with a friend from school who is very accepting of me and she encourages me to be myself. We recently spent a whole afternoon shopping looking at clothes and hoping to find me a new pair of sandels. I was in full makeup but in my drab clothes and only got a couple of weird looks even got a couple of complements on my eyes.
Anyway I got off subject as the is a man who lives here that wears dresses out all the time with a wild long beard and long ponytail. He is a violent person and is constantly being arrested for all kinds of things including drugs. It doesn't help our situation at all and it scares me.

[Jenn A116]

Plenty of good responses here. I certainly understand the need to consider personal safety when trying to advance societal norms.

[Stephanie47]

I don't believe that there is a parallel between lesbian or gay folks and crossdressers. The big difference is that lesbian and gay folks came out of the closet loud and proud. On the other hand I believe that over 90 percent of crossdressers are closeted and will remain closeted. They simply don't have the courage that the Lesbian and Gay folks display.

In my post I mentioned the two lesbian women I know. I know others, but not a social or professional level. I have met gay men and their partners, now husbands. This concept of coming out for gays and lesbians is a public affirmation of their sexual orientation and status. Other than being told someone is a gay man or lesbian woman, how does one tell them apart from straight men and women? Most of the time it is not a lack of courage by a MtF ; it's doing an analysis of risk vs reward. Talk to an elderly gay man about how it was decades ago or do some historical research as to the consequences gay men coming out or discovered.

[Jamie001]

In my case, I am accepted because I am a feminine male that sometimes wears a skirt, but always wears feminine hairstyle, women's sandals, painted nails and a women's purse. I don't try to present the illusion that I am a woman. I am simply being myself.

Public perceptions is a lot different between simply incorporating feminine items into your presentation and trying to present that illusion that you are a women.

In large hi-tech companies that I visit I have encountered men (some senior managers and top engineers) that wear skirts, dressers, and other feminine attire like myself, but they are not attempting to present the illusion that they are a women. These folks are classified as "gender nonconforming".

Please don't misinterpret my post. I have the utmost respect for all forms of crossdressing including going all the way! I am simply pointing out that presenting as a feminine male is a lot more accepted than going all the way.