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Thread: That's it for a while

  1. #1
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    Unhappy That's it for a while

    Regrettably I am having to stop my crossdressing for an undetermined length of time. The stress and tension that it is driving in my marriage is forcing the decision. I am in a DADT relationship with my wife but the tension is building every day. Anticipating the inevitable explosion is just too much. I am not going to purge. I did that once before years ago and I have regretted it ever since. I have a safe place to store my things in the hopes that I can someday wear them again. I would like to discuss it with her but a rational discussion is simply not possible. I envy those of you that have been able to reach an equilibrium with your partner/spouse. Needless to say I am very disappointed that it has come to this point. As you all know, the desire to crossdress is not something that can be turned on and off like a switch. I wish that it was. It would make life a lot easier. Our relationship has become very lopsided. Because of the guilt that I feel in doing something that she detests, I agree to just about anything in the hopes of keeping her happy. I am at a constant emotional disadvantage. The kind and thoughtful people on this forum are the only other people in the world that are aware of my crossdressing. Hence this note. I am not looking for sympathy, I just needed to express my feelings. Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    Best wishes for strengthening your marriage as you move forward

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member Traci H's Avatar
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    Victoria, I?m in the same boat as you it seems. I have been on this seesaw battle with my wife for years. She despises the crossdressing and eventually it comes to a head. I relent, pack my stuff away in a safe spot and life returns to normal of sorts. I can maintain it for a while, but the urge creeps back in, and the cycle continues. I too do many things for my wife in the hopes that she will accept me in the tiniest way. We?ve been married for 45 years.

    I wish you the best and pray for a glimmer of acceptance for both of us.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Traci H View Post
    Victoria, I?m in the same boat as you it seems. I have been on this seesaw battle with my wife for years. She despises the crossdressing and eventually it comes to a head. I relent, pack my stuff away in a safe spot and life returns to normal of sorts. I can maintain it for a while, but the urge creeps back in, and the cycle continues. I too do many things for my wife in the hopes that she will accept me in the tiniest way. We?ve been married for 45 years.

    I wish you the best and pray for a glimmer of acceptance for both of us.
    Thanks Traci,
    We've been married for 48 years. She has known about my crossdressing for at least 47 of those years. One can always hope.

  5. #5
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    Victoria, good luck with trying to suffer through denying your needs. I looked at your age, 68, which suggests you and your wife have been married a long time. I wish wives who are "disgusted" with their husbands' cross dressing would get some counseling in order to assess the "problem." It is a "problem" because it affects the marital community. Does hiding the garments or purging everything really heal the divide? Will a wife still wonder, does he or doesn't he? The husband's mind is not going to change. All that happens is suppression of a need to express oneself. I always wonder whether a wife's "disgust" is due, in part, to how society will view her; "What's the matter with her? She's married to a cross dress. Why doesn't she dump him?" Personally, under penalty of violating the rules of politics, living in Florida does not help.

    If you read many of the posts of others you will see too many have little or no opportunity to dress while others freely dress every day in front of an accepting wife. Don't abandon this forum. You can purge the clothes; you cannot purge the desires and needs. Stay in touch, post.

    PS: I show you posted your age while I was pecking away.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Best of luck going forward. I hope something positive comes from your efforts.

  7. #7
    Silver Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    I understand you position completely in that it is not even a topic my wife is willing to discuss in the least. I gave up after a few decades. Out of sight is out of mind in my case. Both of us are happier because the one thing I learned from this forum is that she can not help how she feels about crossdressing. I do not blame her for past conflicts over it. Once I was able to accept that, things have been much better between us despite my deception. I am just lucky because I have to travel a lot and have opportunities others would never have.

    Hang in there. You never know when an opportunity could come up.

    Sandi

  8. #8
    Gold Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Victoria, Good luck girl, many of us can totally understand. Please check in occasionally and never give up hope.
    Crissy

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member Fiona_44's Avatar
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    I wish you the best Victoria and hope that things eventually work out for you.
    "I may be going to hell in a bucket baby but at least I'm enjoyin' the ride!" - Grateful Dead

  10. #10
    New Member petrale's Avatar
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    it seems obvious that you must above all preserve your union, it is quite rare for a woman to enter our game, so we must always have a room reserved for isolated work.

  11. #11
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    Victoria
    I wish you well , If CD'ing is causing stress & tension then do pause it for now & look after yourself & wife first.

    I put my own dressing on hold during much of the COVID lockdown periods as there was little opportunity to dress & my wife & i had others to support
    (aged parents & new grandchildren in our case).

    If you are still in employment, I would check if you have access to counselling paid by your employer - it can help & you don't necessarily need to share that with your wife.
    Last edited by CDSophie62; 08-18-2022 at 03:21 PM. Reason: typo

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member GracieRose's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear that you must bottle yourself up for a while to keep marital tension under control. Good luck moving forward.
    Your age and length of marriage are about the same as mine. In my case, I believe that my wife's biggest fear is someone that we know finding out. Although she doesn't say it, I believe that her fear is that others will think less of her for having a husband that's not a 'real man'. I believe that her fears are somewhat justified, so I make reasonable efforts to keep others that we know from seeing this side of me.

  13. #13
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    For those of you that your wives hate crossdressing, have you ever considered just adding feminine items to you everyday male look? For example, carry a women's purse, wear a feminine hairstyle, wear women's shoes, wear painted nails or toenails without going all the way to appear as a woman? I believe that this mode of presentation will be a lot more acceptable to your wife than attempting to appear as a woman. If a woman did this, she would be called a "TomBoy". In the case of a male, a "JaneGirl".
    You will become stronger in the ways of the Pink Fog. May the Pink Fog guide you and be with you now and forever.

  14. #14
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    In these situations I try to avoid projecting my own feelings onto anyone else. With that disclaimer, I will share my former wifes feeling of being diminished as a woman because I sought to present myself as one. It was like a zero sum game in her mind, with only so many girl chips available. Nothing could have been farther from the truth, and really I do not think gender expression needs to be a zero sum game. But that no longer matters, because that long term relationship termed out long ago.

  15. #15
    Senior Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    Best wishes Victoria in dealing with your problem. The stress has got to be incredible, and will have deleterious effects on your health long them. I hope it hasn't already. As many here have suggested, I think marital counseling would be a good idea for both of you; whether you are actively dressing or not does not change your proclivity and will continue to cause tension and conflict. The core issues that cause the tension have to be dealt with, and counseling is the place to do that.
    www.flickr.com/people/194195593@N05/

  16. #16
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Couples counseling is a great way to go because it occurs in a controlled environment so discussions between you and your wife and the counselor can go much more smoothly. You have been married for 48 years and have been dressing off and on for a majority of that time. But with tension. Perhaps it is time to resolve that issue and reach a new level of understanding and appreciation. My wife and I have been married for 53 years and when I came out 10 years ago it was tense to say the least. But we came to understand each other more, but I still do not dress fully in her presence. However, I do wear flats around the house, panties, and women's T's for the colors I love which are rare in men's clothes. When she is away that is when Gretchen comes out. Separate counseling helped a lot in finding a suitable compromise.

  17. #17
    Senior Member Debbie Denier's Avatar
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    My situation is very similar to yours Victoria. My wife is non accepting. I think things could be worse when we retire. I know a lot of the others are advocating counselling. However it takes two .My wife would flatly refuse due to shame and embarrassment . In her view its not normal behaviour. Its my problem and not hers. I believe many GGs have a similar opinion.You cant change their mind.However you can adapt your life. Enjoy moments when the cats away so to speak or if you can get away .

  18. #18
    Member TAG's Avatar
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    Funny how men always have to give up something to keep the marriage intact.
    You think your wife will give up anything? Probably not.
    It seems your mental health means nothing to her if things are lopsided in the marriage.
    Don't get mad at what I said it is something I have seen before on CD sites.
    Lopsided marriages always end up with resentment.

  19. #19
    Member OrdinaryAverageGuy's Avatar
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    I can't imagine what you're going through. As much as it seems you should just be able to quit this silly hobby, we all know that's not true. Never give up hope, but meanwhile I hope you can fix what needs to be fixed in your marriage.

    Jamie above has a good idea, can you just do something to "take the edge off?" I'll go to the sports bar, as a guy, but wearing a toe ring and/or an anklet. It's something. (I'm also wearing women's jeans, but no one notices that as they look like jeans)

    And what some others are thinking but don't want to say, if you can't fix it, it's not the end of your world. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't suck.

  20. #20
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Victoria, I'd save the therapist for later and try first walking in your wife's shoes a bit; in a previous post you stated : "she sees my lingerie in the wash every day". I am not sure that this is showing much consideration for a wife who isn't into your proclivity, is it? You say you envy those who could get an understanding with their wife. I did, but to get there I sure avoided at all costs to rub it in her face. When I do my laundry, I make every possible effort to hide it for her. She never sees me dressed, and I don't leave anything visible after a session, everything is carefully packed back, makeup smudges are carefully wiped etc. We talk about it, but she doesn't see it.
    In full honesty I only dress twice a year so it's easier for me than you. I'm not into underdressing, not wearing slips at night, etc. Now I'm going to say something not pleasing that I didn't share so far in this forum: I know a lot of CDers in these forums do these things (daily underdressing, daily wearing lingerie in bed), and although I can't tell for sure, I remarked that a lot of CDers doing these things daily had serious difficulties with their wives about the dressing. I can't shake the feeling that if I was a wife in DADT, or simply not thrilled by the thing, the constant, daily, aspect of it would inevitably get on my nerves because I would have the impression to have married a girl not a man. And that the dressing is constantly imposed on me, with no respiration. Now, if a husband doing this asked me to have a discussion about it, as a wife constantly being under that pressure, I would feel like making a deal with a gun pointed at my head. I'm not sure I would accept that, or be in the mood to start that kind of talk any time soon.
    A bit of unsolicited advice now, but trying to help here: if I was in your shoes, I would go to my wife and tell her: "I need to have a discussion with you about the dressing. I know you aren't happy with it, so I am going to make a pause for a while, to take some pressure off of you. When you are ready to have a talk about it, tell me. I love you."
    If you read that far, well, thanks for listening too.

  21. #21
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Victoria, I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I wish you well and hope the stress and tension abates.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  22. #22
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    My situation was similar to yours up until last October, when my wife of almost 39 years told she wasn?t being fair to me. We went from dadt to you can be Lynn when ever you want with no restrictions. I was surprised to say the least. Sometimes recently I?ve felt like I?m spending too much time as Lynn but no complaints or comments from my wife. She has even approved of me wearing jewelry she can?t wear because of her arthritis. That jewelry includes her her wedding and engagement ring set, one morning at breakfast when I was femme she asked me where my diamonds were.

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