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Thread: Have you gotten past the fear?

  1. #1
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    May 2013
    Central Coast, CA

    Have you gotten past the fear?

    I went to the trans support, group that I'm part of last week. They meet once a week , they just started in person meetings again.

    I haven't been in 3 to 4 years. It was a very small group only four others besides me. When I used to go the group , there would be anywhere from 10 to 15 people.

    These two things weren't really part of the discussion they were just two things I took away from the overall comments that they made.

    The one thing was, they expressed feelings of fear. Now everybody has legitimate fears. And then there's the fears when you're like first going out, about acceptance. This is the fear I'm referring to. I would have thought they were past this.

    The other thing was they were like lamenting that they would like to dress up and go out, more.

    I basically have no fear, I always wear a dress. I rarely wear anything else.

    I go out a couple nights a week on average. On the weekends I'll be running around doing all the normal stuff you do.

    I'm typically in a dress with full makeup. I never leave the house without looking my best.

    I have lots of friends, mostly GGs . Like my best friend. I have a few gay friends. But I don't hangout with any trans people. I live in a small town, there are no gay bars, there's four dive bars , I can go to any of them.

    I have been living openly as Jean for years now. I stand out, I do not try to blend or hide.

    This guy who's new to town,* he's here temporarily for work. He made the comment to me, "every time I see you, you're in a different dress. I wish my wife would wear a dress once in awhile."

    I've also received a comment a few years ago from one of my friends, she's at least 15 years younger than me.* I was wearing ,* palazzo pants and* a blouse. She told me to never wear that outfit again ,* burn it. She said it made me look old. My roommate at the time who was like 10 years older than me, she liked the outfit.

    So here's my question.

    Have you gotten past the fear of being outdressed in public, worrying about the acceptance of others?

    Secondly, when you go out dressed,* do you feel your putting your best foot forward?

    Full disclosure
    I do work in guy mode. Everything I wear is women's except for the oversized company t-shirt, and I pull my hair back in a ponytail.*

    I have a very hard rule that I only do my girly guy mode for work.

    The same roommate asked me why I always wear a dress. I told her, it was because I wear skinny jeans to work , so I consider them work clothes.*
    Last edited by Jean 103; 08-26-2022 at 07:59 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    May 2016
    Metro East area near St. Louis, Missouri
    Yes and yes.

    I went from being afraid to not being afraid in the space of about 24 hours in 2016. I haven’t looked back.

    As to my best foot forward, I will have different levels of makeup depending on how long I have to get ready and how long I will be out, but yes I try my best for the time I have.
    I'm Sun-Dee at Kandi's Land; read about my outings here:

  3. #3
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    A bit south of the 49th!
    I still occasionally feel apprehensions about how I look or perhaps what others may be thinking. I tend to go out in daylight and early evening hours, so I have little fear about encountering any dangerous people.

    When I go out, I of course try to look as nice as possible, and at the same time, try to blend in to the extent I can. I do ocassionally wear a dress or skirt, but I am as likely to wear jeans, slacks or shorts, depending on the situation

  4. #4
    Senior Member Heather76's Avatar
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    Jan 2022
    Coastal SC
    Being relatively new to crossdressing, I cannot answer your questions directly as I've only been out in public fully en femme twice. Both times involved an absolute minimum of contact with other people. I'm hoping to be dressed fully en femme in a bit over a month at a Pride event nearby. All that said, I was not, and do not expect to be, fearful of being dressed in front of others. I'm a bit concerned of how I may react to any rude comments that may be directed at me as I know I do not pass. I hope I have enough composure to let any poor comments go off me like water off a duck.

    On the 2 occasions I went out dressed, I tried to put my best foot forward. I will try the same the next time I'm out. The only disclaimer is my best is that of an amateur as I need a lot more practice with applying makeup. But, that will come with time and practice.
    It's never too late to enjoy a happy childhood.
    Live each day as though it's your last 'cause one day you'll be right.
    I'm finding the more feminine side of me...and I ❤️ this adventure.

  5. #5
    Resident Polymath MarinaTwelve200's Avatar
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    Jul 2005
    I have only been outside Dressed TWICE myself---But I had an excuse---and that made it easier. The first time as a Gypsy Fortune Teller at my Adult Sunday Schol HALLOWEEN Party (I won the costume Contest BTW) ---and ALL the ladies wanted me to read their fortunes (Weird way to meet Girls, but it works And a second time a few years later at the Church "Womanless Beauty Contest.. (It was rigged, the old preacher won ) But STILL I was able to go out without fear, so long as I could come up with a reason, should I be questioned. That might be the key to overcoming fear.

  6. #6
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    North Carolina
    Transwoman here!
    The more you are out without hassles from others, the more you will want to go out and the fear subsides! Mostly dress for the venue! Dresses are OK at the store but it depends on how fancy, etc! I live in central NC and do everything as a women and I do not really pass but am just me! I wear no make up! I get no hassles so far and have been out for years! The fear does subside!
    Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  7. #7
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Midlands UK
    For me going out dressed is like climbing a ladder. Heights scare me enough to make me careful.

    And so it is with being out enfemme. I know that not everyone is kind and caring and especially at night there can be people the worst for drink and hence unpredictable.

    So while I'm not constantly nervous I am aware of my surroundings. It's recognising those higher risk environments and taking the necessary precautions such as walking away if necessary.

    Thing is, in male mode we can still find ourselves at risk from the same drunks. So in many respects being out drab or enfemme require the same level of awareness.

    So fearful, no. Just careful.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Debbie Denier's Avatar
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    Nov 2021
    Merseyside UK
    I think if I was not married to a non accepting wife . Then I would go for it. I have been out in the past to support groups. Its down to personal circumstances as well as choice.

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member Debs's Avatar
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    Nov 2006
    North West UK
    I have lost all fear, I go out regular shopping and at night time, I love it !!!, I actually feel more comfortable and confident dressed than I do in male mode

  10. #10
    Miss Conception Karren H's Avatar
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    Aug 2005
    South Western PA
    Actually I always thought that a little fear was a good thing. Keeps you grounded and aware of your situation and surroundings. Being fearless always spelled disaster. Of coarse working in underground coal mines for 4 decades might have something to do with my outlook. And I do not go out enfemme unless I was at my best.

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2020
    I have been out dressed approximately 25 times the first outings I was terrified but now no fear i only go to areas I consider safe. I go out completely dressed skirts & dresses only full makeup and hair. My only cross dressing fear now is hurting my wife when we have the talk.

  12. #12
    Member CDMargret's Avatar
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    Dec 2018
    Niles Michigan
    For me I have been out in public fully dressed in the late evenings for walks and such for years. Driving around. Hotel hallways. I attended a club a few weeks ago and I couldn't have felt more normal or at ease than if I was sitting at home. Me, Myself and I loved every single second. I had no fear. Others complimented my dress. I so enjoyed the night and am so looking forward to next months gathering. When I left the club it was still a bit daylight out but I walked down that side walk to my car and owned it. Felt oh so good, natural and powerful.

  13. #13
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Washington, DC
    I always have a moment of apprehension before opening the door, but once out I relax and enjoy.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  14. #14
    Southern Belle Phoebe Reece's Avatar
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    Jul 2005
    Atlanta, GA
    I have been going out regularly for many years with no fear of being out crossdressed. I go anywhere an ordinary woman would go and do the ordinary things that women do - eat at restaurants, shop, put gas in the car, do banking business, attend plays, visit museums, go bowling with friends, etc. I am situationally aware and do not venture into places alone that I think would be dangerous for any woman (or man) to go. I am not full time and only show my femme self to the world about 4 or 5 days each month. When I do go out I always try to look my best. I do not dress to blend, but I do dress to be appropriate for what I am doing. I always go out wearing a skirt and top or a dress. Sometimes with heels, sometimes not. I am usually dressed better than the majority of the "real" women I encounter and do stand out a bit in a crowd. I have gotten many compliments on my appearance over the years. It doesn't matter to me if I "pass" or not. What's important to me is that I am treated with respect.

  15. #15
    Silver Member NancySue's Avatar
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    Jun 2016
    Southern Illinois
    I still feel a little apprehension before going out, but once out, I?m fine. In our small community, while I dress well, I?ve found it best to blend in, consequently I rarely wear heels or hose with a touch of makeup.

  16. #16
    Super Moderator Raychel's Avatar
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    Jul 2005
    Bangor Maine
    Definitely not past any fear here.

    It has been only on very rare occasions that I have stepped outside dressed
    I have on occasion changed once I was out. but that is very rare as well.

    Not sure if I will ever overcome that fear.
    my sister's reply when I told her how I prefer to dress

    "Everyone has there thing, all that matters is that you are happy, love what you do and who you do it with"

  17. #17
    Senior Member Angela Marie's Avatar
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    Feb 2015
    I no longer have any fear about going out; I've been doing it for many years. But I am careful and do not take necessary risks. I think that is good advice if you are dressed or in drab. Always be aware of your surroundings.

  18. #18
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Orange County, Calif.
    I'm a crossdresser, Jean, not a TS! So, I don't need to present as female all that often. Especially when going out!

    Answers to your questions:

    1. No. But, it's not fear, it's annoyance and interference. I don't enjoy the snickers, rude comments, staring and eye rolling.
    Nor do I want servers and SA's to go over board worrying about not offending me!
    When I go out to eat or shop? That's what I want to do. Not spend time worrying about who will think what about that man in a dress!

    #2. Maybe. Depends on what u consider my "best"?
    Many here consider it best to blend or be invisible when out. I like that, too. So, I go out in drab and no one notices me! Perfect!
    I like to look attractive, sexy, even hot when I dress. Otherwise, why bother to dress at all?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  19. #19
    Member Celee's Avatar
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    Aug 2017
    I was working up the courage to go out although it would have been at night at least at first. My makeup skills leave a lot to be desired since I don?t have a lot of time to practice. Then Covid hit and changed everything. No time to dress and I grew a beard. My wife loves the beard so I haven?t shaved since. There?s no way I could go out in public as a miad. It would not be healthy for my confidence or psyche.

  20. #20
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2018
    Sometimes I'll put on a little lipstick, but that's about it for makeup.
    Pretty much full time now. My girl clothes fit much better than my guy clothes ever did.

    Shoes are currently more sensible, even for work, so I can make the occasional last minute shopping trip as needed with a minimal hassle.
    A couple have floral patterns to gender as feminine.
    Last edited by Maid_Marion; 08-27-2022 at 04:44 PM.

  21. #21
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    "Upstate" NY USA.... Site of the first crash of the "Vin Fiz"
    Quote Originally Posted by Debs View Post
    I have lost all fear, I go out regular shopping and at night time, I love it !!!, I actually feel more comfortable and confident dressed than I do in male mode
    I feel and do much the same except that I rarely go out at night.
    i should say that with the advent of the virus, the masks have totally embolden me to go most anywhere as Barbara.
    With my basically feminine body (with breast forms), long natural hair. and wearing a dress or skirt, I am just another woman out shopping.

    i said it before a few times but it's worth repeating......
    You must have the mind set that you are just wearing the lingerie and clothes that females are supposed and expected to wear.... and are doing nothing out of the ordinary.
    You also must realize that most females are not beauty queens and are all shapes and sizes.
    So, if you are reasonably passable, even with a COVID mask.... what are you waiting for
    Last edited by Barbara Jo; 08-27-2022 at 05:37 PM.

  22. #22
    Senior Member Fiona_44's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2022
    The first 2 or 3 times I went out in public en femme I was a little nervous but much less than I anticipated. After that the nervousness disappeared as I quickly found that I enjoyed it and I haven't looked back since. I am out 4 or 5 days per week primarily in the daytime & occasionally in the early evenings and I do anything & everything that another woman might do. I very much look forward to going out, am confident when I do and don't care how many looks I get. I am not fearful but I am observant to insure I don't inadvertently wander into a bad situation or to see if anyone is taking an unhealthy interest in me. The only make-up I've ever worn has been lipstick. I wear sunglasses everywhere to hide my non-made up eyes and have tinted readers & tinted plain glass glasses to wear when it's darker. I'm going to start practicing with eye make-up so that when I hopefully meet with other CD's or go to the Keystone Conference next year I fit in better. Other than leggings, I usually wear skirts & the occasional dress but not pants.
    "Care about what other people think of you and you will always be their prisoner" - Lao Tzu

  23. #23
    Silver Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Nov 2019
    Southeast US
    I think most would say I am over any fear considering my many outings. I am kind of like Dee, thehiddenme, in that once I went out and socialized with others, there was no turning back. I just started a little later - 2017 for me. I also tend to have similar thoughts about my outings as docrobbysherry in that I do not bother with vanilla venues as doc puts it. I go to clubs where interactions with others is pretty much guaranteed. I understand why many like to avoid interaction with others, but I thrive on it so maybe I am a little different.

    Oh and I do go to a lot of effort to look my best whatever look I am going for. Of course for clubbing it is often sexy clubwear but not always. Of course about the only place I have worn my black sequin minidress is Vegas ; )

    Last edited by Sandi Beech; 08-27-2022 at 09:48 PM.

  24. #24
    Member NoraTV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Long ago. The excitement and sense of fulfillment overwhelm any fears.

  25. #25
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Western Washington
    I am a plain vanilla cross dresser who is six foot and 200+ lbs. Before Covid my outside journeys were evening strolls in a quiet/safe neighborhood of single family homes and small shops and restaurants. I have no desire to interact with fellow humans as that is outside my comfort zone. I primarily wear women's clothing for stress relief; becoming a woman and shedding all vestiges of maleness for a short period of time. The prospect of receiving verbal or non-verbal snickers or comments would break that tranquility I seek. When I was younger I did make an effort to interact with fellow humans on Halloween. I was 25+ lbs lighter and did get a positive comment or two and one heavy duty dose of snickering from a guy who had too much to drink while buying soda in a grocery store. He was buying more beer.

    If and when Covid is over and the opportunity arises for an evening stroll again I will probably venture forth again. However the mental drive is no longer there to "Just Do It!"

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