Back again?

[Rhonda Jean]

Whew! This is kind of scary!

Looking back, my most recent post was on4-21-21. At the time I was explaining why I'd been away for almost a year. I'll not attempt to go through all that's happened during the time lapse. I do want to become active in this community again, so I'm sure a lot of it will come up as I comment/post.

I talked about in that long ago post how it was like a switch had been flipped. I've been living so completely on the "other side" (my male side) that I've almost forgotten what it's like to dress. I still color my hair, still shave (albeit about once a month or less instead of every day), still wear panties. That's about it. I've had my nails done (best I can remember) twice in the past couple of years. The last time was a couple of weeks ago. That's something I'd done every 6 weeks or so for the last few decades. I do not own a skirt or a dress (except one I kept as a keepsake. No way I'll ever fit into it again). I don't own any makeup. I haven't had my brows done in at least a year and a half. I still sleep in something feminine when the need/desire arises. I have one bra. My hair is short and thinning. I put on more weight than I'll ever admit. Thankfully I lost most of it. The only good thing that came of that is some of the weight I haven't lost is in my boobs.

I've been out with my polished toes showing a few times since I had them done (I took the polish off my fingernails before I had to go to work). Even that caused me a lot of anxiety. I look back on the things I've done and wonder how I ever did it.

I'm not the same person I was at the height of my crossdressing (or whatever it was). I'm not sure where on this spectrum I'll end up. I'll admit that in a lot of ways it's been kind of nice to fit in better than I ever have in my life, to not be looked at "funny", to not be avoided in social situations. I had become numb to some of that over the years. It is noticeably absent in my present mode.

I feel like I'm starting over. I'll do it gradually, but I'm going to do it. I need it. I want it. My purse (the only one I have left) is literally sitting in the closet untouched from a couple of years ago. One of the first things I'm going to do is to start carrying a purse again(outside of work). I'm going to continue to get my nails done regularly. I'm going to get my brows done this week and continue that on a regular basis. I'm going to rejoin this community in some positive and meaningful way. Baby steps.

I look forward to being a regular contributor again!

[ziggie]

Welcome back. I tend to come and go myself. I'm pretty private about my dressing and tend to drift to the male side of androgynous in the summer - I don't shave my legs, rarely paint my toes, etc. With the cooler weather moving in I seem to be trending more pink (I just ordered a new skirt today) and am really enjoying it. Things come and go. So long as it is fun for you, it's all good.

Again, welcome back.

[Valerie Louise]

Rhonda, we haven?t chatted before, but like you my CD activity has been up and down at times. When it?s down, it?s like you?ve lost something, really important, and you miss it. You can?t find it, until it finds you.

I?m glad for you that you are back. I look forward to your posts.

[Kris Burton]

HI Rhonda - it looks like I came on board long about the time you left. I know I will enjoy getting to know you through your words, which I already find fascinating. I enjoy CDing and I enjoy participating here, I can easily see how the call to return to both is relentless. In any case - welcome back!

[jayme357]

Oh my goodness! It has been so long. I have really missed you. I reached out to you so long ago but you weren?t ready ( or interested). We seemed to have so much in common and so many similar interests. Anyway, I?m so happy you are back. #

Whew! This is kind of scary!

Looking back, my most recent post was on4-21-21. At the time I was explaining why I'd been away for almost a year. I'll not attempt to go through all that's happened during the time lapse. I do want to become active in this community again, so I'm sure a lot of it will come up as I comment/post.

I talked about in that long ago post how it was like a switch had been flipped. I've been living so completely on the "other side" (my male side) that I've almost forgotten what it's like to dress. I still color my hair, still shave (albeit about once a month or less instead of every day), still wear panties. That's about it. I've had my nails done (best I can remember) twice in the past couple of years. The last time was a couple of weeks ago. That's something I'd done every 6 weeks or so for the last few decades. I do not own a skirt or a dress (except one I kept as a keepsake. No way I'll ever fit into it again). I don't own any makeup. I haven't had my brows done in at least a year and a half. I still sleep in something feminine when the need/desire arises. I have one bra. My hair is short and thinning. I put on more weight than I'll ever admit. Thankfully I lost most of it. The only good thing that came of that is some of the weight I haven't lost is in my boobs.

I've been out with my polished toes showing a few times since I had them done (I took the polish off my fingernails before I had to go to work). Even that caused me a lot of anxiety. I look back on the things I've done and wonder how I ever did it.

I'm not the same person I was at the height of my crossdressing (or whatever it was). I'm not sure where on this spectrum I'll end up. I'll admit that in a lot of ways it's been kind of nice to fit in better than I ever have in my life, to not be looked at "funny", to not be avoided in social situations. I had become numb to some of that over the years. It is noticeably absent in my present mode.

I feel like I'm starting over. I'll do it gradually, but I'm going to do it. I need it. I want it. My purse (the only one I have left) is literally sitting in the closet untouched from a couple of years ago. One of the first things I'm going to do is to start carrying a purse again(outside of work). I'm going to continue to get my nails done regularly. I'm going to get my brows done this week and continue that on a regular basis. I'm going to rejoin this community in some positive and meaningful way. Baby steps.

I look forward to being a regular contributor again!

[Rhonda Jean]

Thanks everyone for the welcome back! It says I've been a member here since 2006. 16 years on this site! I don't even like to add up all the years I've been doing this. Age is not kind. I've been lucky, I guess, to have lived the female side of my life in a pretty big way. That said, there's a lot of that I'm not proud of. During my absence here I've learned a lot about how people saw me and what people thought about me. It's been enlightening, to put it mildly. I've learned a tremendous amount about myself in the process. For the last year or two I've been so removed from it that it seems like someone else's story. Some of the things I was proud of back then or that I thought was cool, when I hear it from a different perspective... they're pretty embarrassing.

Anyway, as I re-enter this group I'll try to resist making every post about "back in the day". Although it may be that my best days are behind me, my story is not over. It's going to take a while. So many things that once were routine scare the shit out of me now. I literally feel like a newby.

I used to read some of the first time adventures on here and be a little envious that I had lost much of the thrill and excitement of the early days. Now it's (once again) my early days! Wish me luck. It's scary as hell out there!

[bridget thronton]

Welcome back hope you enjoy your time here

[Debs]

I have noticed that, lets say booking a carabean holiday, my first thoughts are what the hell am I going to get away with wearing over there, or I get told by me daughter (doesnt know I dress), I'm taking you out for an amazing meal in town then off to the nightclub for lots of dancing and fun, now in male mode , NON of this is fun, now it would be a whole different if I could dress, then it would be amazing. My point is , that my brain my body my feelings my body language are completely different when I'm able to do it dressed as a girl, and unless I'm dressed as a girl I avoid all activities other wise it makes me miserable, hmm does that make any sense ? Welcome back by the way, lol

[JaneFreez]

Than... Welcome again =) Also I'am new member too. Have a fun everybody =)

[alwayshave]

Rhonda, Welcome back.

[GretchenM]

Welcome back Rhonda. Been a very long time. An interesting account about the changes and then the slow return.

What you experienced is not uncommon at all. In fact, it is probably more common than the steady progress toward a complete and presumably permanent shift in our identities to a nearly complete gender reversal. The literature and the biology shows this to be generally true. The important take away is that we almost always return to that alternate sense of self when viewed as two more or less independent identities. In a sense we drift back an forth between male-like and female-like. Actually, we don't do that at all.

In the most modern thinking, a binary perspective doesn't actually exist except with respect to sex only. Most of us are simply who we are and just because there is a sizeable amount of variability in our sense of self and our self expression does not mean it is biologically that way.

In this thinking, we all, everybody, has only one identity that varies tremendously in its range of sensation and expression. How far it varies is individualized. This, in the modern thinking, is defined by behavioral traits and characteristics that exist due to genetic variations and the even greater variations in the range of experiences we have had in our life.

Most of US are male but we have an extraordinarily great amount of variations is traits and characteristics that allow us to be comfortable in a wide variety of "modes." But the gender shifting females are very much like the males. Only slight variations exist in the behavioral range with respect to the sexual binary. Large and long lasting shifts are common as we shift around in accordance with how our neural networks work with the environment in which we exist and experience minute by minute.

Most people are not wired the way we are and generally a more narrow range is more common. But that does make having a wide range is wrong or unnatural. So your "sliding" back to the more female-like side is within the total range of what you are capable of. In one sense, it is a gift we are capable of doing, but most people have little experience with that. The fact is they still make short momentary shifts to the "other side" but then quickly shift back to the dominant side quickly. We all look and seem different, but we aren't. We are all doing what we are supposed to do based on how each person is configured. We can't understand how someone can be so steady in their gender identity and they can't understand how we can vary so much. How can we be? We can't be someone we are not.

Back in the 1980's it was called having an undifferentiated gender identity - in plain words, our gender was viewed as so poorly defined relative to the prevailing concept of gender that not only can't experts figure out what or who we are, but we can't either. In the distant past this was viewed as negative or down right nuts. It is not. It is within the range of normal variation of human conscious identity. The narrow view is what was in error; humans are configured to be variable and that is why we are so incredibly adaptable and successful as living organisms.

So, Rhonda, you may not be able to identify why you shifted so far to the male-like aspect during this time, but your brain perceived it as being necessary for whatever circumstances it was identifying and adapting to. Now that has changed and it can reduce the male-like abilities you have and bring back the female-like abilities you are naturally capable of. Enjoy the ride - it is the real you.

[Rhonda Jean]

Thanks Gretchen. To me, it largely defies explanation as to why we do what we do. It is equally baffling why/how it could so thoroughly disappear. Or... maybe not.

In my case, the moment that it went away was when I was "caught" by an old friend. The description is in one of my old posts. Although that was the moment, I was already in decline. I think I can mostly define the cause of that, too. Part of it is age. I'm pretty good at seeing only what I want to see in the mirror. That goes both ways, by the way. I could see male when I needed to, even though to others I looked like something in-between (one of the things I learned over the past couple of years).

The big deal for me was cutting my hair. I know that makes me sound like a long hair fetishist. That's not a label "we" like to put on ourselves. I'm beyond caring. If that's what it is (and I don't know that that's accurate) I'm fine with that. Some of us might feel like that lessens the purity of our cross-gender experience to be labeled as such. For me, having had long hair my whole life (except cutting it twice when my kids were born), long hair was like a dosing patch (like a nicotine patch) providing a constant dose of whatever the elixir is that made me feel feminine/pretty. Imagine if you wore your wig 24/7. When I cut my hair it was like removing the dosing patch.

As part of my re-entry, I've also got to go wig shopping. Also not as much fun at my age. Can't say I'm excited about that. It might be a while.

I used to shop all the time. It's been unbelievably easy to just bypass the women's section. I've got to re-learn how to shop and dress at least somewhat age-appropriately.

Much of this seems daunting. I can't help but question myself about moving forward with it. Nothing wrong with where I am right now. I'm happy and pretty content. What's been kind of needling at me is that when I think about when I was the happiest I've ever been, I was somewhere else on the gender spectrum in appearance, mindset, and expression. I also know that that came with a whole set of big time problems. Maybe I'm far enough removed from those problems that they don't seem as large.

I've learned a lot over all these years. Maybe I'll be smarter about it this time around.

[Kerry Michaels]

Internet shopping is a wonderful thing.

[kimdl93]

Nice to have you back, Rhonda Jean. Having been through some ups and downs myself, I think I understand the kinds of questions one asks of oneself. I have come to the conclusion that some questions are unanswerable. Its really a matter of making choices and there are so many options to choose from. In the absence of definitive answers, we are left with deciding which choices are (among other things) seemingly safe, economically prudent, and personally satisfying.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rhonda Jean, Welcome back after a year & a Half of AWOL,

When you are here, You are Home, >Orchid**OO**

[Rhonda Jean]

To be clear, I didn't try to put it away, or even want to. It just went away as mysteriously as it came. There might have been catalysts but it was gone like the wind. I'm a very different person and in much different circumstances than when I was at my peak. I'm looking forward to experiencing things with a new perspective.

Gosh, I have missed y'all!! I have a lot of catching up to do, all in good time.

[Fiona_44]

Welcome back.

As for age, remember better late than never. As for why we do this, many of us have no idea exactly why, so the best thing is to just enjoy what we do and accept who we really are.

[DianeT]

Hey Rhonda. Welcome back! Looking forward to your next post in 17 months :D

[Rhonda Jean]

I'll try to do better, Diane! What can I say. When I'm on I'm really on. When I'm off...

[Crissy 107]

Rhonda Jean, Welcome back girl! There is no doubt you are excited to be back here and we are all happy to have you back with us.
Relax, It will be like tying your sneakers again.

[Erika_M]

Welcome back!!

[RetroChrissyCD]

Welcome back Rhonda!

I've too gone through the wax and wane of dressing activity. I'm sure all of us here can relate. Look forward to future conversations with you.

[DianeT]

Just teasing of course. Really good to have you back.