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Thread: I told my wife

  1. #1
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    I told my wife

    Finally had no choice. The guilt and shame of doing something my wife didn't know about was too much. I couldn't stand the thought of her finding out on her own. Additionally, the fog was concurrent with a bout of depression that was heavier than normal. I am not sure if one is a product of the other or coincidental.

    I won't bore with details as I am typing on my phone and for some reason my text will just disappear after so long but it went well. She told me she does not want to see me dressed and frankly at this point I don't want her to either. She asked if I needed to talk to someone to resolve this and I explained that I have been to all corners of the internet researching and concluded there is no cure or treatment. It is who I am.

    I should have done this soooooo long ago!

    Emi

  2. #2
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Good for you. She would probably rather hear it from you rather than catching you somehow. I'm glad that it worked out.

  3. #3
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Yep, been there, done that - 10 years ago. It is a wise but risky move. My wife had no idea I was that way even after 43 years of marriage. One might assume I was pretty good hiding it - not so. There were plenty of signs; she did not recognize them as signs because her image of me tended to block out that possibility. We all tend to see that which is most consistent with our view of ourselves and the world around us. Vision is objective; interpretation of what is seen is not objective but biased.

    She reacted the same way. I went to a gender therapist. Not on her suggestion, but on my own so I could find out more about what is going on. Best thing I ever did. She has never seen "Gretchen" in full plumage. She doesn't want to, but she knows Gretchen because part of me is her and she has come to appreciate that aspect of me that was hidden in the past. She allows very mild feminine expression that sits on the border between strict male and strict female. She likes the kinder, gentler husband she now has, but it is still a mild DADT rule book. It works for her; it works for me; a good compromise. It works.

    The key to a peaceful movement into living in this new equation is to discuss boundaries and stick pretty close to them. In all relationships, boundaries are important. Marriages sometimes collapse because boundaries are crossed because they were not disclosed. And boundaries can change. You and your wife are married, but you are still individuals with individual needs that are important. Think about that; a path to an agreement will become apparent. But don't expect it to happen quickly. It is a major shift, but it need not be a negative force unless as individuals or as a couple you let it be a negative force in your relationship. Boundaries that are selfishly embraced as imperatives are the most destructive. Sometimes that is the right path, but usually there is a middle ground somewhere that is agreeable to both.

  4. #4
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    Gretchen,

    I agree fully, we discussed boundaries and how they would be necessary. I also encouraged her to take time to absorb all of this and be very sure to bring up any concerns that pop up.

    I learned a lot on here from others experiences and am grateful for that!

    Emi

  5. #5
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    Glad to hear it went well sounds like you told her for all the right reasons. It amazes me how powerful the draw to dress is and how terrified we are to share this part of us with our spouse.

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member NancyJ's Avatar
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    Good for you for telling her! Hooefully this leads to growth in your relationship! Although my wife does not want to see me fully dressed, I do wear only panties and femme pajamas (to bed). She knows that I love feminine things and that I have online CD friends. Nancy

  7. #7
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    I am sure she appreciates the end of secrets - keep talking and you may be surprised where she ends up
    Last edited by bridget thronton; 09-23-2022 at 01:36 AM.

  8. #8
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    Emi, I hope it works out for you and your wife. A word of caution; It takes quite a long time for a wife to absorb this new discovered information. If a husband has been carrying around this secret for decades, he cannot expect his wife to come to any decision, positive or negative or neutral, in a short period of time. There have been many posts where it appeared all was good, then it all blows up. In the end what has happened is a secret of a husband has now become a shared secret. It's going to take some time for a new status quo to evolve.

  9. #9
    Member Jane P's Avatar
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    Congratulations on sharing this with your wife Emi. I wish you all the best in the future, I wish I could find the courage to do the same. At this point it seems there is absolutely nothing to lose. But then again there is the rest of my life where unfortunately I do care about what other people think of me and I know that is my problem not theirs.
    Thank you for sharing.
    I don't know why , but I am .

  10. #10
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    Jane dear, I'm not sure how old you are but as time went on the weight of this began to become unbearable and my concern for what others think is starting to wane. However, no two situations are the same and you have to weigh what's best for you.

    Emi

  11. #11
    Member Jane P's Avatar
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    Emi I'm old enough to feel guilt about my proclivities but this isn't about me. Try to balance what you have shared with your wife because I think it would be hard not to over indulge when signs of acceptance appear.
    I don't know why , but I am .

  12. #12
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Glad you did finally instead of her finding out on her own.
    There will be questions for some time. But do NOT
    Promise to stop , never works
    Lie about the extent / she will further not trust you.
    Maybe invite her here or to learn it does not have to be a big deal.
    Best Wishes
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  13. #13
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    Seems like a good start for future conversations. Perhaps those feelings of guilt and shame will abate now that you have opened up.

  14. #14
    Senior Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    You have absolutely done the right thing Emi. The stress of secrecy is over, it appears your revelation was not met with hostility and you are on the road to acceptance. That is a very good place to be at this point. I'd say allow her time to adjust, answer all questions honestly and stay within the boundaries that have been set. There may come a time when they can be renegotiated if you wish, but you are already in a better place than many.

    As it is said, the truth will set you free, and now you both are. Both your alter ego and your relationship now have a chance to flourish.
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  15. #15
    Silver Member Frannie7's Avatar
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    Emi, I commend you for telling your wife. You are right, it's better she finds out from you than some other way. I told my wife two years ago. She is not a fan at all and uses it as an excuse (I think) to explain her sometimes sadness and slight depression. since I told her I have stopped and started several times. I did get rid of half my clothes so they were less obtrusive. We still have a ways to go. I am writing down things to say to her (or write a letter) Two of her concerns now are: 1. What if I am in an accident driving? and 2. What if my kids find out? I don't want them to either. Dressing is for me and my escape.

  16. #16
    New Member JennyOpalstar1's Avatar
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    Communication is always better than not.
    When I started out experimenting with the female form, it was very much secret/private. That eventually devolved into a crisis of sorts for us. I had wanted to discuss this aspect of myself with her for ages, but it took the "crisis" to break the ice and get her and I talking. Initially, she made it very clear that she was afraid I was becoming "a woman" that preferred men and that she could not / would not follow me down that path. (took me a while to figure out how to listen well enough to hear through her anxiety)
    After going through a couple of shame cycles, I kept doing my best to keep the lines of communication open. Eventually, dialogue between us resumed, and now, she is supportive, in a very quiet way.
    I make a point of keeping no secrets anymore with regards to my liking CD'ing, liking the textures / softness of the clothes / feeling the sensations.
    I make it a point to remind her that I am very much still in love with her.

    I won't say that things have returned to the way things were in the past....if anything, things are better, now that we can sort of talk openly about things.
    (rambley, I know.)'
    <shrug>

  17. #17
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Congratulations Emi. It takes a lot of courage to tell, and it will probably take more courage to deal with the aftermath and stay true to what you have started. Make sure your wife can frequently open her heart about it, and that she feels heard, loved and finally respected. Since she's been lied to for years, and her world may have suddenly been rocked upside down, she may need a lot of time to adjust to that newly stranger she is married to, and trust may take a lot of time and efforts to mend. Be patient, be loving. Good luck to you two.

  18. #18
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    The problem with absolutes, i.e. "no treatment" and "this is who I am" is that it's hard/impossible to take it back. BTDT. That may be the truth and may be exactly right, but you've lost the ability to say " I can change".

  19. #19
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    Once the cat is out of the bag, really, any attempt to put it back in is going to lead to a lot more scratches and the cat still will never be in the bag again. Probably more important at this point is to think about what comes next, which may include in no particular order of likelihood : what you hope for, what she hopes for, and what might be possible.

  20. #20
    Senior Member Heather76's Avatar
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    I'll bet you could hear your own sigh of relief getting that out in the open with your wife. Good move to tell her.
    It's never too late to enjoy a happy childhood.
    Live each day as though it's your last 'cause one day you'll be right.
    I'm finding the more feminine side of me...and I ❤️ this adventure.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean View Post
    The problem with absolutes, i.e. "no treatment" and "this is who I am" is that it's hard/impossible to take it back. BTDT. That may be the truth and may be exactly right, but you've lost the ability to say " I can change".
    I get what you are saying Rhonda, but that wouldn't work, I can't and that was what led to this.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Heather76 View Post
    I'll bet you could hear your own sigh of relief getting that out in the open with your wife. Good move to tell her.
    You are soooooo correct, and I can tell she sees it too!

  22. #22
    Member nancy58's Avatar
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    Emi,

    I remember that day like it was yesterday, even though it was 17 years ago. We have gotten through it thus far. I believe there is no "cure", and I don't want to be cured, because this has become part of my self-identity every bit as much as my career, my main hobby (bicycling), and my roles as son, husband, and father. I hope that you can find someone to talk to. I joined a transgender support group a few months into my coming-out to my wife, and I have had therapy off and on with a psychologist. Every little bit helps. Hang in there. It may be bumpy, but you'll be all right.
    Nancy
    "If you are lucky enough to find a way of life that you love, you have to find the courage to live it." -- John Irving

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member Ellie52's Avatar
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    Emi
    I also remember the day I told my wife. Itll live with me forever.
    The older you get (I was 51 at the time - 10 years ago) the harder it is to maintain the secret.
    Anyway - My wife works for a mining company and had to visit the minesite for a couple of days during the accounts audit.
    My son and his girlfriend were in and out but went off to a movie or something - it was so long ago now I cant remember exactly where.
    So anyway - I digress
    I decided to try on a new suit my wife had bought herself - It was a little large for me as she is a Aus size 14 and I am a size 10 but beggars cant be choosers. So I tried on the suit and a pair of her shoes which were too small for me - she has very small feet.
    I tried on some other things too using socks in a bra and all that sort of thing...

    Anyway when she came home she asked me if my sons girlfriend had been in our room. I said I doubt it why? with my heart beating madly. She said her new suit was not on the hanger right and her shoes had moved.
    I believe in my heart that I did put the suit back incorrectly and left her shoes messy as I wanted an excuse for it to come out but I couldnt say anything. My tongue just said I dont know maybe she did go up.....What a wimp.....

    Anyway the next day I was cooking dinner and I said to my wife - Ive got something to tell you and Im not sure how you'll react
    --Now I had been having bad mood swings because of my age related CD stuff and it was making life pretty bad.

    So I said not sure how you'll react and she thought I was going to say I was leaving and she got upset.
    I said No Im not leaving but remember that suit that got moved and your shoes and she looked at me and said "yes"!
    I said - It was me, Ive been wearing your clothes and I cant help it.
    She has always been into Fun movies about Crossdressing - Rocky horror picture show and Kinky boots are her favourites
    So she came up to me and put her arms around me and said "My sweet transvestite" I could have cried.....

    There were some hard times after that as she came to terms with it but in a relatively short time it was acceptable and we went shopping for lots of nice clothes that fit me and I got a bra fitting etc...She gave me the name Ellie....
    This is life now. Regular girly shopping - In fact just this week she has opened the door to shopping with Ellie as two girls. So looking forward to that.

    I cannot tell you guys how much I love my wife for her strength and resilience. She is 1 in a million.

    Take care and stay safe....
    Hugs
    Ellie
    Last edited by Ellie52; 09-22-2022 at 09:11 PM.

  24. #24
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Emi, I am so glad that your reveal went well. I told my my wife prior to moving in together and it went well. I hope everything goes well moving forward.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  25. #25
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    Ellie your are so lucky to have the one in a million wife. I know my wife suspected I was trying on her clothes over 30 years ago when we first married but I never confessed around 5-6 years back I finally started buying my own to the point of having everything thing needed to completely transform into the lady I so much need to be but still cannot find the courage to discuss wife my wife someday this will happen.

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