Why I Crossdress

[Larissa Cassandra]

After many years of wondering why I'm so different from most other men, I think I've finally figured out why I've been drawn to crossdressing and why I enjoy it so much. It's actually fairly simple, and there are only two parts to it.

1. As I've mentioned in other posts, I'm almost certain my mother would have preferred to have a girl as her second child (though she never told me that). She'd had a miscarriage and my older brother before me. She always talked "baby talk" to me, even just "kidding around" after I'd grown up. She was quite the girly girl herself, always in dresses and heels, with full makeup and always perfume (I remember Heaven Sent and Wind Song). I suspect she might have dressed me up in girls' clothes when I was a baby or toddler, but I don't have any specific memories. If she were still alive, I would ask her, but I missed that opportunity.

My mother left my father, brother and me for another man when I was only 11 years old, so I lost her feminine presence in our household. Everything was manly and macho all the time. My father was great in taking care of us, but he was the old-school John Wayne-type man's man. So missing exposure to anything feminine has made me quite curious about girls and women, and later when I could try clothes and makeup, it was a lot of fun and opened a whole new world to me.

2. About a year or so after my mother left, I started going through puberty and paying a LOT of attention to girls. I had several girlfriends throughout high school, but never any of the "high maintenance" girls, like the ones in all the slick magazine ads and TV commercials. Those were the ones who were the sexiest, according to the advertising industry, so of course I found them very alluring. So when I was able to wear the few female things I'd obtained (that could be another thread!) and put on makeup, it was a substitute for the sexy young women in the ads, and the "hottest" girls in school. I was very shy as a teenager, and those "hot" girls just weren't my type anyway, personality-wise. BUT, the image of the ultra-feminine woman dressed in a beautiful dress with jewelry, makeup, long flowing hair, heels, and (I imagined) sweet-smelling perfume was very attractive to me. So when I was able to imitate some of that look on myself, it was a big turn on.

So, to summarize, missing out on a feminine presence in my home, and then going through puberty with my increased curiosity and the erotic images in my mind, seem to have cemented in my mind a love of everything feminine and a desire to emulate a feminine persona. But the strong male influences from those years living with my father and brother, then 4 years in the military, make it difficult to enjoy my feminine side without feeling some shame and embarrassment. This is why I don't dress as often as I would like to, even though I have a very accepting and supporting wife.

Anyone have similar experiences or think there might have been other influences in my life that you had, which may have contributed to my crossdressing desires?

Hugs,
Larissa

[Heather76]

I can't say with any certainty what may have given me the desire to CD. Two things come to mind that may, in hindsight, have been indications I would enjoy CDing. The first, and I still remember quite vividly, is how disappointed I was when my dad came home from the hospital and told me I had a new baby brother. I was 4 1/2 at the time and I wanted a sister named Susan. To say I cried at this news would be an understatement. I had an older brother so why a sister? Could it have been so I could play with her and her dolls? I've no idea. I never did play with feminine toys growing up and don't recall ever have such desires. I grew up as a typical athletic, adventure seeking guy. The other thing was of a sexual nature. From the time I was a preteen until sometime in my 40s or 50s, I would very often tuck myself while bathing in the tub to see what I might look like "down there" as a woman. Haven't done that in 25 - 30 years, but, I did for a long time.

[Kris Burton]

HI Larissa - this post is very insightful on your part, and no doubt required a lot of soul searching. We don't have too much in common with our backgrounds - I was an only child from a very stable family, and the notion of trying on any of my mothers things did not even cross my mind. I was also a very shy kid and teen, but we link up where the attraction to women and what they wore was a big turn on for me. I did not feel shame, but was very embarrassed by my feelings and hid them away. Not until I was married (at 29) and had access and close proximity to these clothes and femininity was I able to even visualize putting them on, enjoying them myself, participating in the fun!

At this point, I think I can say that my early shyness and repression more than anything fueled my curiosity of all things feminine. It probably plays no small role in why I crossdress now and feel such satisfaction on so many levels. It's almost like I'm making up for what I missed.

[franlee]

Maybe my CDing was caused from poetic justice. I always had a preference for Girl that dressed in clothes that I liked, short dresses and skirt suits and skirts, oxford type female shirts, turtle necks, sweaters, shorts and of course hot-pants.And then throw in heels or high boots and I would admire those Girls and date them, but if a Girl dressed in something that didn't turn me on that was the end of that. Well my Girlfriend dressed perfectly to my taste without a hint from me, and I mean all the time. So when I made a stupid bet that I could fit in her clothes one night she took me up on it. I couldn't back down, that was not an option for me back then and not to much even to this day. So we swapped and I won! Well I won more than the bet, I couldn't get it out of my mind how good it felt and it STUCK! From that time of being a fetish until now that is a therapeutic relief as well as the left over fetish/fantasy days back when I turned 16. And that is the reason, I enjoyed it and still do.

[CarleyR]

I agree with Larissa. I think the love of ultra-feminine things, which our more practical wives rarely use, creates a situation where CDing gets us closer toward that attractive "image of the ultra-feminine woman dressed in a beautiful dress with jewelry, makeup, long flowing hair, heels, and (I imagined) sweet-smelling perfume."

[DianeT]

That turn on we experience when trying to emulate the looks of girls we find attractive is probably what started my crossdressing, a year or two before puberty. But "turn on" doesn't really capture the essence of the thing, which is (at least in my opinion) of a transcendental nature, a metamorphosis of some kind. Yes there is turn on. But it's more a byproduct than the core of it. Grown up women appeared to me like super beings when I was a child, and the effect they had on me a mystery I wanted to crack. Crossdressing was one of my attempts at solving it (there were others, such as drawing heroines in comics or writing erotic stories). Born from attraction, but fueled by the magic of almost touching their skies for a fleeting moment.

[alwayshave]

Larissa, While I had a brother and father, I also had my mother, grandmother, grand aunt and 4 sisters in my house. It wasn't the lack of femininity in my home that caused me to crossdress. Perhaps the opposite.

[GretchenM]

Very insightful, Larissa, and I suspect you have identified a major factor in your present priorities. It is possible for CDing to be an acquired characteristic and it is widely assumed that CDs are distinguished from Trans in that the CD behavior is acquired. Problem is that conclusion is frequently found to be wrong after a shrink starts nosing around in your brain. However, the very fact that this memory is apparently so vivid in your memory indicates that these experiences made a huge impact on you. Otherwise they would not be so vivid. Memories that are not important to the big picture often fade and eventually are lost or severely distorted.

So, I am not so sure that this is THE CAUSE. But it is certainly a major defining factor that represents your way of adapting to the experiences that your brain concluded made sense in the larger neurological context. In combination with some degree of genetic configurations that create a bit of a sizeable propensity toward gender reversal may be at the root and your experiences simply triggered those genes into action which triggered a perspective that recognizes a bit of girl in you in addition to a larger amount of boy in you. That can then set off a process of prioritization where your brain decides the girl part really works nice in collaboration with the boy part. Your brain then adapts to that perspective and what comes out of those hundred billion neurons is who you are today. Smile! You are you, but that "you" is still changing as your brain incorporates new experiences and tweaks the formula a bit this way and that. It is a journey. Enjoy it. If you happen to go too far, alarms will go off in your brain, you will feel discomfort (dysphoria) and you will know that you shouldn't go into that forest, at least not yet. But once you detect that forest you will want to explore it - cautiously. Do so, but it might not be for you. We are always growing and changing.

[AmeeJo]

My crossdressing journey began when I was 12. I was fascinated with the female body and tight clothing like bathing suits and leotards just looked so pretty to me. As soon as I had the opportunity to, I tried some on. I was hooked. I quickly moved up to bras and panties as well as a really cute tennis dress my Mom had. Wearing them just made me feel so good. Once I got older and had money from working, I started shopping for myself. I still remember the first time I went to Victoria's Secret. I bought a really sexy teddy with garters and matching stockings. The first time I saw myself in it, I was blown away how wonderful I felt. I have been slowly continuing my journey ever since. So, nothing really happened to me to trigger my attraction to all things femme, I just thing I have a strong feminine side and she wanted out. I'm still in the closet with my dressing but, it's funny, my wife has said many times that I have a tendency to lean towards my feminine side. I'm working on a plan to come out to her in the near future. We'll see....

[Sabine Janus]

Older sister dress me very young as her baby doll, but I don't recall it.

I do recall having this urge to be someone else, but more in an explorer/adventuring way, not in an escape. Costumes weren't available and the most "Other" thing I could find was en femme. The clothes felt amazing and totally different from boy mode. PLUS I grew up with strong present women, so I didn't have the idea in my head that women were somehow "less". I DID catch on quickly that dressing as one was not acceptable so I kept it to myself.

[Cheryl T]

I can't say for sure and I don't really believe any of us can.
Personally I believe it's genetic. I say this based on my family history. Not that anyone else in the family is CD, but because of other things. I don't want to go into a long story about it, but I'm fairly certain these factors are actually why I am who I am and also that I may be more than just CD. That part is still being investigated.

[Bea_]

I dress because, when I look in the mirror or at photos of myself in the feminine items I choose, I feel a sense of specialness that I don't feel at all in drab. Even if it's just an awareness of wearing panties under my jeans, or looking down and seeing my pink toenails, it just feels special. That's about as far as I can go in the analysis.

[JulieC]

I'm quite certain I was born with it. One of my earliest memories centered on crossdressing. I don't think anything brought it on per se, just getting to an age where I could try on my mother's things without her knowing, and progressing from there.

[Diane P]

I'm new here, but I'd have to say in my case it's that dresses and other women's clothing, nightgowns, bikini underwear, shorts and tops, feels right and natural when I'm wearing them. I do remeber my mom telling me that when I was a baby and my mom would tell peole I was a boy their response was usally something along the lines of "he's too cute to be a boy, he should have been a girl". I'm 64 and loving wearing all the dresses and everything else I have bought myself in the last month.

[Jessica Secret]

For me it's pretty simple - I developed a love of beautiful/romantic lingerie at a young age seeing and feeling how sensual it was, I was quickly hooked and have never looked back since. The sight of it, the smell of it, the fabrics, seeing photos of women wearing it and feeling jealous, walking through lingerie departments and shops, all of that made it intoxicating and I became obsessed and had to wear it.

[Natalie5004]

I have mentioned before that my sisters were my influence growing up.

Just today I went out to buy some ciggies. I had a "Thank you Hon" from the clerk and a gentleman held the door for me on the way out. I loved it.

Natalie

[kimmy p]

I like the clothes better. Much more variety of styles. More colors are acceptable. And with the addition of wigs and make-up my entire look can change. And truth be told... I have been informed by a few people that I look better as a lady. And I happen to agree with them.

[Jane G]

That turn on we experience when trying to emulate the looks of girls we find attractive is probably what started my crossdressing, a year or two before puberty. But "turn on" doesn't really capture the essence of the thing, which is (at least in my opinion) of a transcendental nature, a metamorphosis of some kind. Yes there is turn on. But it's more a byproduct than the core of it. Grown up women appeared to me like super beings when I was a child, and the effect they had on me a mystery I wanted to crack. Crossdressing was one of my attempts at solving it (there were others, such as drawing heroines in comics or writing erotic stories). Born from attraction, but fueled by the magic of almost touching their skies for a fleeting moment.

Possibly this. I was surounded by female role models as a young boy. I never once had a male role model if I am honest. Loved my dad to bits mostly, but never once wanted to be like him. My wife is forever telling me to dial it back, when I start acting/speaking like my mum. While I don't even register that I am doing it.

[Christina89]

Growing up it was just my mother and I. And most of the time the only real male models I had in my life were my grandfather and a neighbor who I consider my second father. Other than that I was surrounded by females. We would always go to the mall together around back to school to get new clothes and with being the only male in the group majority of the time I had to wait for them to finish getting their stuff before I could get mine. I was always fascinated by the fashion they had to choose from. And at times hated what I had. I remember moments when it would be my mother and I watching TV and there would be adds for girls clothing from different stores on TV I would sometimes ask my mother "why can't I wear those?" She would respond with "cause you're a boy" and that hurt. It wasn't till I was 12 or 13 that I finally did get to 'wear those' when I tried on my mother's clothes. As time went on I thought I wore them as a fetish, but in reality I wore them cause I felt safe and less stressed. I escaped this reality and entered another one.

[Lacey New]

For me it was a sexual fetish. In my early teens, like many boys, I became interested in girls. I saw them develop bumps,on their chests and nice curves to their bodies. Back then, most of the girls wore skirts so a flash of panties was not unusual. Well, one day after school I was alone in the house and there was a pair of nylon panties hanging out of the hamper. I don?t know or remember if they were my mothers or sisters, but it does not matter. Well, I put them on and you know what happened. It felt great. So, I sought out opportunities to repeat as often as possible. Then one day, I found a bra in the hamper as well and I figured if panties felt good, then panties and a bra were even better. And it was. Eventually I added pantyhose and finally after college living on my own, I started my own collection. And so it was

[Brianne_bc]

I crossdress because its part of my being on the autism spectrum. I was grateful to finally have the answers to why I dress up and other traits that come with being on the autism spectrum. For me its a form of stimming and wearing lingerie daily under my boy things just makes life so much grander. And being hypertactile the feel of satins and silky things is exponential.

[Joanne108]

Why? I like to see myself in the mirror as the image of a woman.

[Beano980]

Larissa, I'm so impressed that you figured out your "why". A few years back, I saw a therapist for several years. She was a great therapist and very insightful. But, we never pinned down a definitive "why". We did however identify some things that felt right for me. Primarily that its been there since I was a very young child, and it seems to be centered around the special attention that females get and feeling desirable. There was no single incident that led me down this road. More of an inclination that has always been there. Dressing fem from time to time lets me immerse into that space of feeling desirable.

[Larissa Cassandra]

Thanks Brooke, but since I haven't run these by a therapist, I can't be sure there's not more to my story. But I'm satisfied with what I've come up with. It's true for me too that some things just feel right - like wearing a silky nightie and panties to bed, putting a little lipstick on just being around the house, wearing a short skirt on a hot day, spritzing with fragrance mist in the morning, and I could go on and on!! So since these feelings started when I was very young, there might also be a genetic component, as some others have suggested. That could be part of your story too.

Hugs,
Larissa

[April Rose]

My feeling of being drawn to the feminine side of life has been there for as far back as I can remember. It has morphed and changed so many times that I can't attribute any one thing or situation as a cause.

Really it just seems to be the way I have always been.