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Thread: CD?ers, Did You Reveal Before or After Marriage?

  1. #1
    Member Teresa.Smith.VA's Avatar
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    May 2021

    CD?ers, Did You Reveal Before or After Marriage?

    Survey Questions:

    1. If you revealed to your wife that you were a cross dresser, did you reveal before or after you married?

    2. If you revealed or chose not to reveal, did it turn out to be a good decision for you?

    3. If you revealed, how do you think it turned out from your wife?s point of view?

    My answers to my questions are:
    1. I revealed very early, on my second date;
    2. It turned out to be the best thing I ever did;
    3. I think my early reveal was critical to my wife's full acceptance and participation.
    Last edited by Teresa.Smith.VA; 10-08-2022 at 07:24 PM. Reason: typo correction

  2. #2
    Member Joanne108's Avatar
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    Jan 2009
    Buffalo, NY
    1. Before
    2. So far so good!
    3. She Is okay with me doing it and sometimes participates.
    Last edited by char GG; 10-09-2022 at 07:00 PM. Reason: Not necessary to quote the OP?s questionnaire

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Not married but I revealed to my boyfriend that I was a CD while we were dating, and once in a relationship I revealed to him that I wear lingerie to bed. He's been accepting, supportive and encouraging ever since.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    1. I revealed to her about two months into the relationship. I figured it gave her opportunity to see value in me, if she saw negative in CDing, and would likely be more willing to be supportive.

    2. Revealing was a very good choice. But, I had already decided to tell her even before I met her. I had been with women who were not accepting, and I'd had quite enough of that. I vowed to myself that I would either be with a woman who at least let me crossdress without grief, or I would be single until found such a woman (if ever).

    3. My wife was instantly supportive. A couple of days later, she bought me pantyhose as a surprise and also as great way of saying she was accepting. About three years into being married, I embraced crossdressing a lot more than I had, revealing more of myself to myself. I started buying heels, and dresses, and etc. etc. etc. and spending more time being crossdressed. My wife reacted poorly, and I got "the letter". In it, she laid out how she felt, and it wasn't supportive. I wasn't going to back out of the marriage. If she had given me such a letter when we were dating, I would have possibly broken up with her. Having such a rejection, I went into DADT mode, and hid everything. Internally, I built a wall around my CDing, and never brought up the subject. It was a long time before she brought up the subject. That initiated discussions that ultimately led to much more acceptance, and now outright support. So, I think it was hard on her for a while, but became easier with discussion and time. As evidence of this; I needed to drive her to an event this morning. I wasn't dressed en femme much, but I did put on heels and pantyhose under my jeans. She saw me and jokingly (with good intent) said "Oh those make the outfit!".

  5. #5
    Senior Member Kris Burton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2021
    New Jersey
    Answering your questionnaire:

    1. I revealed 40 years into our marriage - but wait , wait - I can explain! At the time we were married (1980) I did not have any crossdressing experience at all. I had only tried on a nightgown of hers as a joke once. I liked it a lot, , but I did not act on my impulse other than a few short skirmishes with pantyhose in private, for another 39 years. When I finally gave in and began actively crossdressing, I came out to her within about two weeks.

    2. It was the best decision I could have made. Although I was worried about the impact it would have on our marriage, the stress of the sneakiness even for just a short time was too much. For better or worse, I knew the truth set me free, and it has.

    3. I am so glad I did not sell my wife short. After a "period of adjustment" as she calls it, she was accepting and even participatory up to a point. She did not want me to CD publicly, but of late she has warmed to that as well and I now can, and do. I doubt if she would have been so understanding if I had continued to sneak around and gotten caught. I consider myself one of the lucky ones.

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    i didnt reveal until 20 years into our marriage when she found my stash. before that, it was a mild kink. wore her panties a few times. her jeans, shorts. my stash was much more.

    it was not good when she found my stash. are you gay? etc.

    she is pretty much ok now. my dressing doesnt do anything for her, but she realizes i enjoy it so she plays along. some things are ok. some things aren't. she buys/gives me some clothes. but i dont think she wants to see menin bra.

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    oshawa, ontario
    I told my wife 27 years into our marriage.
    It was the only decision i could make as i was on the verge of suicide.
    12 years later we are still married, but while still best friends the physical intimacy died the day i came out to her.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Jenn A116's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    lower right part of US
    1. If you revealed to your wife that you were a cross dresser, did you reveal before or after you married? Before. Her acceptance was the final hurdle for me deciding to propose.

    2. If you revealed or chose not to reveal, did it turn out to be a good decision for you? Yes. Here we are 25 years later and still very much in love.

    3. If you revealed, how do you think it turned out from your wife?s point of view? She would have preferred it didn't exist, but she knows it does and realizes that its an intrinsic part of me.
    Jenn A --- nothing fancy, just me.

  9. #9
    Senior Member JocelynJames's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    After marriage- 5 years in . In my defense, I wasn?t even sure what I was .

    At first there was acceptance, then not so much and we almost split up, then acceptance again.

    She has said that things are better than ever, and regrets almost leaving .
    Last edited by JocelynJames; 10-08-2022 at 06:29 PM.
    If you only knew the power of the pink fog! ~Joss

  10. #10
    Senior Member Heather76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2022
    Coastal SC
    1. I revealed my crossdressing to her about 36 1/2 years into our marriage. But, that was only about 5 months after I started wearing panties only. Once I told her, I felt a great sense of relief and escalated my dressing to the point I have now gone out en femme on several occasions. From starting with my first pair of panties to going out took about 25 months.

    2. Regardless of whether it was a good or bad decision, it was the only decision. We are so much more in love with one another than the day we married, I could not have kept it a secret for any length of time. We don't base our marriage on keeping secrets. We base it on honesty. That said, We both know how best to approach the other. To approach my wife with things as personal as CDing, it's a matter of picking the right time, place, and circumstance. In the final analysis, it has turned out better than I could have ever hoped for.

    3. There is no question she would prefer I didn't CD. But, since I do, she has become quite accepting. She does not participate and is not supportive. She refuses to shop with me. That said, the first time (summer of 2021) she woke up in the morning and saw me in bed with panties, stockings, and nightie on she made it perfectly clear I shouldn't ever do that again. Since 1/1/22 I have worn panties, bra, forms, and a nightie to bed EVERY night. I am generally dressed (minus wig, makeup, and jewelry) every evening before she goes to bed and stay dressed in my nightie, etc. every morning for an hour or so after waking up. I've had her agreement to me going out en femme on several occasions and anticipate having her agree to more regular outings - by myself. Maybe some day she will go out with Heather. If we take a vacation out of the area, you can bet I'll ask her.
    It's never too late to enjoy a happy childhood.
    Live each day as though it's your last 'cause one day you'll be right.
    I'm finding the more feminine side of me...and I ❤️ this adventure.

  11. #11
    Senior Member Glenda58's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Down River Detroit
    I did with my second wife after we got married, she wished I had told before. When she passed away, she made me promise to tell who ever I was with about my dressing, and I did. But my wife now still doesn't like it thinking I'll change. Not going to happen.

  12. #12
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2022
    Houston, Texas
    I told my wife before we married that I was a CDer (past tense). However, 10 years in I was becoming more and more depressed and I finally told her that I missed it and was having a hard time.

    She said it was okay and gave me half of the clothes that didn't fit her. We are close to the same size. My wardrobe exploded over night. She has been supportive since and helps me with buying clothes and so forth.

    She still does not want to see me fully dressed but I wear women's clothes around the house with her and our kids. They are young and totally accepting of seeing "dad" this way. The depressive episodes have gotten much better and I am now back to worrying about paying for gas. She always tells me that she loves me no matter what I am wearing so I can say that I have it really nice.

  13. #13
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    I told my wife one week back from our honeymoon. I put on her pantyhose in the morning and realized that this was all real and that same night I told her everything. From the first time I put on my sisters pantyhose until that same morning I put on hers.
    She was curious and was really interested in where it was going. She didn't want me to stretch her things and we went out and bought me some fem items. I would say as much as hard as it was it was the best decision.
    I believe I caught her off guard but we dated for 6 years and we knew each other since we were kids. I believe she knew me very well and believed it was more of a kinky thing. She also found out in time how real it really was.

  14. #14
    Member Valerie Louise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    SE Wisconsin
    1. If you revealed to your wife that you were a cross dresser, did you reveal before or after you married?
    I told her 7 or 8 years ago, after about 32 years of marriage. We just now hit 40 years.

    2. If you revealed or chose not to reveal, did it turn out to be a good decision for you?
    Good, and stupid late.
    It was difficult to do, but I was lying and I just couldn?t anymore. I had no idea if we would survive. We did, and I kick myself daily for not doing it earlier. That said, earlier we had a LOT on our plate with two special needs kids and numerous other issues we had to team together to get past. I?m not sure she could?ve hack another thing on the cart to deal with.

    3. If you revealed, how do you think it turned out from your wife?s point of view?
    It has rocked her world, and she sometimes supports fully, sometimes ignores. She definitely wishes I didn?t have the obsession but she get it that I can?t deny it.
    Sometimes she teases me about it, and will help with outfits if I ask. She sees me fully dressed and provides good critical observation.
    Her primary problems are that the kids find out, and my safety when I go out as Val. She really freaks out about the latter and I have to text her hourly when I?m out.

  15. #15
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Orange County, Calif.
    1. I never even thot of crossdressing before I was married.

    2. I didn't tell her until shew found a bra I left in the bedroom and thot I was having an afair.

    3. I never got serious about dressing until after we separated. Too embarrassed and ashamed to talk about it with her.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member Andrea Renea's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Metro Hickory NC
    1 17 years after we were married I told her I enjoy doing this.

    2 Definitely the right choice.

    3 She's ok with it but not her favorite thing about me. The only caveat is don't get caught by anyone we know.

  17. #17
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Denver, Colorado
    I revealed 43 years after we got married. We met in 1968 and married in 1969. The word "Transgender" wasn't even dreamed up until 1969, so in those early years CDing or being Trans was considered about the same as being nuts. Good reason to not share that. Besides I was in a many year lull while I concentrated on my education in university as well as being in the Navy. It didn't reappear, to my horror, until we were married about 7 years with two daughters, or something like that. It reappeared almost immediately after I got out of the Navy during Viet Nam. That is a common pattern with people like us.

    CDing was something I hated about myself. I am supposed to be a man; "Get the hell out of my life, girl." I am 77 and I gave up on getting rid of her 10 years ago and gave in. It was rocky between me and my wife for about 3 years and then, after many discussions and study of the biology of the behavior, she began to relax (she is also a biologist). Now we are more alike than we have ever been. My wife dresses with hints of a bit of masculine and I dress with hints of a bit of feminine, but she is not gender variant like me. Works great. I do a lot of the stereotypical "woman's work" around the house as well as the "man's work." She does the rest of the "woman's work." It is very good and quite friction free. It is now just natural for us.

  18. #18
    Heisthebride Heisthebride's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    1. I told my now wife about three months into our relationship. I knew that this could be a long term thing and I didn’t want to hide this from her. I felt I’d would rather her know and make the decision to stay or leave early on.

    2. It was a good decision, I also knew based on her personality that she wouldn’t get too freaked out about it. She took the news well and honestly told me that she didn’t know how she might react. She need some time to process it, see how much it was part of my life and how we would interact when dressed. I didn’t rush things and let her become comfortable at her pace. Within two years she had bought me a burlesque dance lesson series and now fifteen years later she will go out to shows or dinner with me fully dressed. Best decision I made.

    3. She may have gotten more than she wants from my dressing but remains very supportive. Covid and working from home turned my occasional dressing into a three day a week thing. Mostly while I’m at my desk, I will change back to male clothes at the end of the work day. She has tried to accommodate my growing wardrobe, carving out closet space etc. she also has option for birthday and Xmas gifts that a non CD partner would have. I doubt it’s something she was looking for specifically, but I try to be mindful and not overwhelm her.
    Rebecca Bas

  19. #19
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Hi Teresa,

    1. 36 years into the relation
    2. Not the point. It was the right thing to do.
    3. Very hard to take in. But same as 2, it was the right thing to do. Now she lives her life and takes her decisions based on all the facts, not the ones I chose, and her choices and decisions are hers.

  20. #20
    Silver Member NancySue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2016
    Southern Illinois
    Briefly, your answers are exactly the same for me, especially #3. She knew very little about CDing and in the hours we spent talking, answering questions, etc. started things off on a very positive foundation. She?s been supportive and very helpful.. especially with makeup. She told me later how much she appreciated my courage and honesty to tell her. Yes, the best thing I?ve ever done.

  21. #21
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    A bit south of the 49th!
    Depends. First marriage, no. I was too busy denying / repressing. Second marriage, a qualified yes. I admitted to what I was able to admit to, which was a predilection toward underdressing in pantyhose and panties. What eventually got me in trouble was a gradually growing desire to dress and present as a woman.

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member krissy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    austin texas
    I told my first wife a year into marriage .she tried but she hated me that way we stayed together for 5years then she told every one of my male friends and I lost her and all male second wife knew from first meeting.she was with a woman and had a bad breakup we met I told her I love to dress she told me she didn't know what I needed but she would try to give me what I needed .that was 44 years ago she still can't stand this part of me .but it's so much a part of me I can just forget.i raised her kids as my own and my son from first marriage.but now that I'm going on 65 I want more girl time and she won't budge.

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Northeast America
    At the time I got married I was in a hiatus from dressing which lasted for maybe 10 years or so. At some point, we were watching a TV show about crossdressing (wish I could remember what it was) and it came out. She's been accepting but there's only so much she wants to be involved with(outfit opinions, whether I am presentable to go out, among other things) and so much she wants to know. There's even been occasion where she suggests I get dressed.

  24. #24
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Washington, DC
    I have been with my wife for almost 20 years:
    1. I revealed before we were serious
    2. It turned out well.
    3. My wife is fine with my dressing.

    With my ex-wife:
    1. I never revealed.
    2. I am glad I never revealed.
    3. NA
    Last edited by alwayshave; 10-10-2022 at 08:23 AM.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  25. #25
    Just another 'Gurl' Kitty Sue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Sitting on a box.
    1. After marriage. Very unfair of me and I wish I had told her before we married. Surprising really as I had told previous partners I cross dressed and it was never a problem.
    2. Turned out well. My wife has been great and supportive.
    3. Wife was a little surprised, but fine with it. In saying that I have not dressed around her and don't plan on doing so. She has said it is fine if I do though.
    Just another man in a dress

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