CD?ers, Did You Reveal Before or After Marriage?

[Rhonda Darling]

Survey Questions:

1. If you revealed to your wife that you were a cross dresser, did you reveal before or after you married?

2. If you revealed or chose not to reveal, did it turn out to be a good decision for you?

3. If you revealed, how do you think it turned out from your wife?s point of view?

With current wife (7+ yrs):
1. Before. Less than one year into dating.
2. Excellent decision. We married 8 yrs. later. Once she accepted that I'm not gay, don't want to transition, and once she was sure I wasn't crazy, she has embraced my CDing, offered assistance, bought me clothes and shared clothes with me. We gone out together as women and been cool with it.
3. I believe she is fine with it, but wishes I wasn't in a female state most of the time.

[Crissy 107]

I revealed Long after we were married, I really thought it was successfully suppressed and out of my life.

Yes it was a good decision, it came back very strong and with help and support from friends on a similar site I told her. Initially it was very good including my wife giving me many hand me downs, painting my toenails and us wearing matching panties. Then the acceptance stopped and it went to tolerance. When I asked why she said she thought it was just a phase. I explained, again, that this is something that has been with me since I was young but I really thought it was in my past.

From my wife’s POV well she still tolerates it but did tell me last year had she known she would not have married me. That hurt me a lot.

[Suranne]

1. Before. It was very early on, when we had really just started going out and it was before we had a true emotional bond between us.

2. It was a very good decision. But, it was a decision that I knew that I would take at the point of any relationship I was in. It was a case of telling her that if you have me then you'll have a crossdresser and all that entails. Doing it that early means that either can walk away, maybe with some sadness, but with little emotional baggage. It removes any accusations of lying and any comeback that "You're not the person that I married".

3. Some number of decades on, with me fully socially transitioned, I think that it turned out very well from her point of view. I think that she was delighted to have a CD all of her own. Yes, there are women out there who don't just engage with it, but actually love it.

[Cacique82]

1. I revealed it after ten years of marriage. She always knew I had a thing for lingerie on her and when I brought it up one night she knew how tough and important it was for me to share it with her.

2. It turned out to be a wonderful decision. She fully accepts my wearing. Wish I?d shared sooner. I should?ve known I could confide in her well before when I actually did.

3. For her, nothing changed. Doesn?t bother her in the least. Once, I asked if it?d be ok if I bought a pink nightgown, ?get whatever you want? was the response. She sees it as just clothes. She know how important it is to me, to her it?s just women?s clothes. She?s commented on how my legs look in heels/stockings before.

[NancyJ]

1) We started dating as teenagers and were married very young. I did not understand myself well enough to discuss it with her before we got married, but wearing her underwear was part of our early sex play.
2) We have discussed it many, many times over the course of our long marriage. There have been many tears shed, several long periods of hurtful silence, and finally an understanding that I only underdress in her company and keep my more full crossdressing to myself. We also have evolved into an FLR which has helped tremendously and works for us.
3) We have essentially grown up together. The marriage is stronger than ever. I would like to dress more, but I accept her authority in my life, and this sacrifice, to me, is more than worth it.

[Aunt Kelly]

I identified as a crossdresser at the time, so I guess I can answer honestly.

1. Before. In fact, we had "the talk" as soon as the relationship got serious.

2. Yes, absolutely. 26 years and still married.

3. She was just glad to hear that I wasn't a murder or something equally heinous, when I told her that I had something very important to tell her.

[Cheryl T]

After
It was horrible keeping the secret and sneaking around until I finally couldn't take it and told her everything. Once the burden was lifted I felt wonderful.
I'm sure she wished it never happened at all, but once we talked and joined a support group she saw it wasn't that terrible and became fully supportive and helpful.

Now it's more than I could have imagined or wished for.

[Stephanie47]

1. It was not a conscious reveal. We were married in 1971 after a relatively short courtship. As I related many times on this forum I had slipped into one of her nightgowns one evening while she was asleep. She discovered me wearing it. I told her I like the feel of the nylon. I did not tell her I had worn my mother's clothing in my youth. It was a long time ago, so I thought I had beat the urges. We ended up buying two nightgowns for me to wear in bed and some hosiery and garter belt too. I'd characterize that period of time as "kinky bedroom play." At the time we said the "I do's" at the alter I'd have to say I was not a cross dresser. Probably, given the 1950's and 1960's how would you approach a woman and reveal to her that you wore your mother's clothing sometimes in the past?

2. How did it go? I had started to buy nylon full slips which I didn't really try to hide. I just didn't wave anything in her face. When we had our first child she asked me not to wear nightgowns to bed as our child's crib was at the foot of the bed in our one bedroom apartment. I had no problem with her request. Fast forward to the early 1980's after a 3,000 mile move across the country and add another child. Our daughter open the bottom draw of my armoire and yanked out a vivid red Vanity Fair bra; my one and only. My wife took it from her. "The Talk" ensured. Yep, the traditional questions. The traditional answers. In the heat of the moment (months?) she did say, if she had known she would not have married me. Then she rescinded that statement because her lurid past was a hell of a lot worse that any of my cross dressing. She said, if I had and did accept her knowing her past, then she had no right to hold my feet to the fire on the cross dressing.

3. You'd have to ask my wife, although after some time it became a non-issue because I stopped trying to get her to accept my cross dressing. Basically, she has gotten everything she wanted out of a marriage (50+ years). It's just that she has a guy with a little quirk. Since the mid 1980's she has not said "boo" about my cross dressing, even after finding a stray bra or panty out or seeing I am on this forum.

Maybe, the same question should be asked of the wives.

[SuzyZahn]

1. Told before marriage once I was sure she loved me.
2. Was best thing to do being hindsight, she accepted Suzy. Even surprises me with `presents` at times!
3. Deep down she preferred I did not dress, but realizes its a huge part of who I am as a person.

Going on 30 years now!

[April Rose]

1) Within a few months after the start of the relationship.
2) I never regretted revealing.
3)There were times when she struggled with it, but at the end of her life we were as in love as we were when we first met.

[JaclynL61]

1. I told her less than a year after we were married. I really wasn't sure about myself before. The dressing had always been an on and off thing. I think I was in the mistaken group of people that thought "the love of a good woman would cure me".

2. Glad I told her. I don't like feeling like I'm sneaking around.

3. She doesn't care for it but tolerates it to some degree. She's only seen me fully dressed a couple of times. I try not to push it.

[Claire M]

1. Definitely after. I crossdresed a bit in my early teens but when we married I hadn't dressed at all, or really even thought about it for a dozen years. I guessed it was one of those kid phases I had grown out of. About 3 years after we married I found myself attracted to trying on her panties which eventually led to full dressing over the next few years.
2. I didn't really tell my wife. Around 14 years into our marriage, she came home early one day and found me half dressed in a full slip and pantyhose. It was good because she had come across a stash of panties several years earlier. She was sure I was having an affair but didn't confront me. Seeing me and talking about eased her concern over the potential affair.
3. She still avoids talking much about it and definitely is not supportive. Its getting about time to broach the subject again so I'll let you know if its changed.

[nancy58]

1. I came out to my wife 12 years and one kid into the marriage. We celebrated our 30th anniversary this year.

2. It was a good decision. While we have a DADT relationship, I don't have to sneak around, and she doesn't freak out if I get up and put on a women's pants, shirt, and a bralette for a day of working at home. She clearly doesn't like it, though.

3. I don't know if my wife regards my coming out as a good thing or not. I believe she would love to stuff that genie back in the bottle and throw it overboard. She accepts that this is how I am and that changing it would make me miserable.

Crossdressing became a Big Deal when I was in my late 40's. Up until then, it was a kinky thing (in my thinking) that none of my girlfriends had any interest in when I proposed it, and I would never, ever, have suggested that I do it in public. I was pretty much closeted even to myself, forgetting about it just like I forgot between age 24 and age 48 that I was colorblind. (I have trouble telling if bananas and peaches are ripe, and I didn't even know I was colorblind until I was 24.) But there was one time, when I was 25, that I happened to sit in a restaurant at a table next to a crossdresser (or trans-woman) and her male friend. If I could back up to that point in my life, I would, and I would have explored that, but in 1983, that wasn't acceptable to as many people as it is today. And I would definitely have brought it up early in the relationship. Besides not trapping a woman in a marriage, I would have found a woman who was more accepting.

[sometimes_miss]

1. I didn't reveal. I hadn't crossdressed in ten years before we started dating, and figured either I outgrew it, 'beaten' the urge, or it was just a phase. In reality, my mind had just 'buried' the desire in my subconscious, and it came back with a vengeance when I was over stressed, and my mind couldn't hold back the thoughts any longer.

2. She found out because I had left a slip out by mistake, and she thought that I was having an affair. I only had seconds to decide whether to tell her the truth, or go with the lie about being unfaithful. I went with the truth. That turned out to be a mistake. Many marriages survive one act of infidelity, but most women apparently can't deal with a man who they feel isn't 'all man'.

3. Terrible. Though we went to a therapist, she could never accept it, and we divorced a few years later, because she felt that I wasn't the man she thought she married, and wasn't the man she wanted any more.

[Dana3]

Meet the current wife of 9 years (Known for 10 years before getting together; and/ or getting together)

Meet over a website ~ Sgt Grit ~ yes a United States Marine Website ~ and Yes I'm a Retired United States Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant, and a Crossdresser.

I told her before she ever came over from where she was (Mississippi) to Alabama "I'm a Crossdresser ~ Transvestite!"

I told her, the day before, I was a Crossdresser ~ Transvestite.

10 years in?

"I need a MAN! For a husband!

[Crissy 107]

Dana, I’m confused, are you still married to the same woman?

[Dana3]

Yes, I am

[Crissy 107]

Ok thanks, now back to the original thread

[Gi Gondin]

We are not married, yet… but hopefully she will have two marriages - one with my male self and a second one, in vegas, with me - Gisele!

1. Told her a few weeks into our dating. Have known her for a couple years as a colleague at work and felt it right to tell.
2. It worked as a miracle. We are five years together and growing strong.
3. Even she had many gay friends and being an extremely open minded person she didn’t know about CDing. It turned out one huge part of our relationship. She loves it. My biggest supporter.

[JustineFallow]

Second date for me, too! She was/is totally cool about it, and she gets to borrow *anything* in Justine's collection.

[Misty_cder]

1) I revealed I dressed while we were dating.

2) It was a good decision because she accepted it and started helping me purchase items that were more appropriate for my physical structure.

3) Initially she viewed it as a fetish because that is what I called it. Now she says it is just clothing and has seen what I call my softer side, meaning when I dress, I am relaxed and more of my feminine side comes out. She doesn't mind seeing me dressed. I just need to abide to the few ground rules she has regarding my dressing.

[NancyJ]

We were kids, 21, when we got married. I did not understand myself or my gender dysphoria well enough to tell her. I naively thought the feelings would go away when I lived with a partner. Little did I know that it got worse when I shared a closet and a chest of drawers with a woman. Then my shame interfered with my telling her everything. It gradually unfolding over the years. Of course if I could have a do over, I would reveal all first, but I really did not know or understand all at the age of 21. Nancy

[AmyJordan]

It was after we married but the twist was it wasn't me that revealed it to her but her revealing to me that it was what she wanted.

[NjJamie]

Amy, please do share! You seem to have hit the lottery of CDing, living what appears to be the dream of so many here, can't wait to hear more about it.

For me, a silly "bet" and a few kidding comments went just the way I wanted it to go early on in the dating phase. Since I "lost" I would be the one to put on the nice nighty and stockings, I still have such a clear and wonderful memory of that afternoon. Shortly thereafter a more complete CDing event went well and for quite a long time it was an occasional awesome time. At some point in the past 30 years it got to be something I enjoyed "too much" and now it's in a DADT mode though there have been occasional comments if I didn't clean off the makeup well enough or shaved chest hair. Sometimes those clues aren't mentioned and she would clearly prefer it would never happen again but I think that for the vast majority of us that is not the the way this story ends.

I keep hoping that we can return to a better level of acceptance and participation, I'm considering offering just an outright bribe to get us both happy with the situation!

[NewSally]

I'm with Jamie here Amy - inquiring CDers here want to know how you managed to find yourself in such an envious situation. Do tell...