Thinking out loud

[Maria 60]

Yesterday was a rainy and windy day and I decided to clean the basement. I move some stuff around and came across my old Playboy and porn magazines. I haven't looked at them in years and i think I bought them back when I was 16 or 17, I sat at my desk and just went through them and almost remembering where I bought them and when I was viewing them. I haven't looked at them in years but yet the thought of throwing them out wasn't an option, but I asked myself "why not". I bundled them off and in the recycling they went but with a feeling of sadness.
In the same breath my wife told me that was a big step and that I had to do another, I had to move out some of my fem stuff, it just to much and I don't move anything out. Just like the magazines, they were there but I never looked at them and that's with some of my fem stuff. I argued my point telling her most of them had sentimental values, the first bra she bought me, and stuff she handed down to me. I explained the story of my grandmother who would never throw out bread. When she was young they couldn't afford bread or even get it. Now that she has an abundance of it she can't throw it out. She will dip it in milk and when it's dead hard she will grind it to bread crumbs. That's the same with me, when I was younger I could have only have dreamed of having a supportive wife and all this stuff, so it could be explained why I can't just throw stuff out.
We ended up going through some of the stuff and I had a micro mini skirts that never mind wearing it I couldn't even get it over one leg, but yet it still hurt to let it go.
I moved out a lot of stuff and we brought it to the donation box, I have more room now but I felt like I let some of my past go and I just have this sad feeling in me. I don't know why I haven't wore that stuff in years. I guess I'm just thinking and writing out loud.

[DianeT]

Every time I throw out stuff from the past, I am sad of letting go these pieces of my past, these pieces of me, but happy to grow up a bit further, to advance in life.
You have a nice wife, look ahead and enjoy what's awaiting you.

[NancyJ]

Maria, Good for you for sorting through and throwing out things that you do not and will not use. Going through my father?s house after he died cured me of collecting clutter. If you don?t sort through your stuff, you are leaving the task to someone else. Of course moving helps and we did that a few years ago. Nancy

[Leslie Langford]

I agree that it is sometimes very hard to get rid of items that have so much sentimental value attached to them. In the case of crossdressers such as ourselves, that often includes specific items of female clothing that we either purchased or acquired at different points along our journey of self awareness and ultimate self acceptance. These items often represent markers or milestones in our crossdressing lives, much the same as graduations, weddings or funerals etc. do in our "normal" lives. The sentiment expressed in Rod Stewart's song "Every Picture Tells A Story" comes to mind...

Your story about finding those old Playboy magazines in your basement (or "basimento" in your case - LOL!) gave me a good chuckle. I, too, had an old stash of them buried among all the other overflow - and no longer used - stuff in our basement storage area. I also had to make the difficult decision to let them go...along with a whole bunch of Penthouse "Variations" and Penthouse "Letters" magazines, all of which featured letters from readers detailing their crossdressing adventures. Many of them were probably made up, but d*mn...they were so realistic and spot on that at least somebody out there must have been acutely aware of the crossdressing experience. Reading those letters was certainly affirming for me, much in the same way this Forum is for me nowadays. But I digress...

Back to the Playboys...among my stash were a coveted few that I decided to keep for old times' sake. One of these was a 1975 issue that some readers here might remember featuring a photoshoot with female impersonator (he of the movie "Freebie and the Bean" fame) Christopher Morely in which he and a "girlfriend" progressively stripped off their clothes and exchanged them with each other, ultimately ending up in full male and female drag. A classic in its own right.

And here's a funny twist to the story...the next morning after putting out the trash, I happened to be looking out the window when the garbage truck stopped in front of our house. As the garbage collector approached the assembled refuse, he spotted the bundles of Playboy magazines, looked around furtively, and then put them into his cab for his future reading pleasure as opposed to dumping them in the back along with the other recyclables.

I still wonder what his thoughts might have been upon discovering that these were all "vintage" magazines as opposed to modern porn - LOL!

[Charlotte Sparkle]

I've got femme stuff that I bought years ago and I still haven't worn but I won't get rid of anything because knowing they are there feels right. Does that make sense?

[Crissy 107]

Maria, I know it had to be hard what you did. If I like something I do not like change, your wife is the gold standard so just to make her happy and keep the peace I would have done it.

[alwayshave]

Maria, I know it's hard to give up some things. It bothered me at first. I have gotten better at it over the years. As to the Playboys, I have one. It is a copy of the first playboy I ever saw from July 1971 when I was ten years old. Linda Evens was the centerfold. I bought it about 20 years ago 30 years after I first saw it.

[JulieC]

Sometimes we have things that we could never let go of, even though we know we'll never use or wear it again. A box, a bin, a storage closet...the stuff is there, and it's part of us, and isn't going away. It's not a problem. It becomes a problem when we keep *everything*. I have a brother who won't let go of anything. Literally, I mean anything. He has things from his childhood that are decades beyond their useful life. Doesn't matter. He won't part with anything.

I have some femme clothes in a couple of bins in the garage. Most of it haven't worn in years. I knew there'd come a time period in my life when the kids were conscious and I wouldn't be able to dress as much. So, away to the bins those things went. Soon, perhaps next year, they'll be away and I can bring out all those lovely things again. I've talked it over with my wife, that if it happens I may be spending all my time at home crossdressed for a while. She doesn't think she could handle that forever, but she thinks she'd be ok with that for a few months anyway.

[Jillcder]

Maria it sounds like you have the perfect wife to help sort out any items that need to be donated or thrown out.

[Krisi]

Either you throw out stuff you don't use any more or your heirs throw it out when you die. It can be difficult to let go, but you can't just keep buying stuff and not getting rid of the old stuff.

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Maria, I have been there, while I have given some away (some so risque I never wore and will never wear ) . But it's hard, I try to justify keeping them saying I won't purge, but you can't keep everything. Thank you for sharing these moments.
Brenda

[Stephanie47]

I can understand the attachment to things that bear some significance in our lives. The only fem garments I have disposed of were either worn out or donated because I had not yet learned women's sizes. In the beginning I bought several dresses with defined waistlines which were pulled up like the classic picture of an old guy with his waist pulled up to his nipples. Still, I have 162 dresses. There are several which do not fit any longer as I have gained some weight and inches; not outsized, but no longer a 38-30-36 physique. I still have a white peignoir I bought for my wife in 1971 that she offered to me several years ago. It's the same size as a pink peignoir we bought for me together back in 1972. I sleep in both.

I do have things older than those peignoirs but those are more in-line with most people; a 34 inch Mickey Mantle baseball bat my mother bought me when I was a young kid, maybe 8-10 years old. Also, an early 1950's All-Star Baseball Game I use to play with my brother for hours and hours. I hated my mother for making me toss down the apartment building incinerator my stuffed elephant. Cruel. My daughter still has her favorite baby doll and my son has his Teddy Bear. You don't get rid of your memories until you're ready.