Hello everyone! I have been a loooong time lurker on this site ( many years) and check it often. I have been following along all the topics and conversations, it has been a constant companion of mine as I work thru my own thoughts, actions and struggles around cross dressing. Like many, crossdressing has been a part of my life for a very long time. Since at least age 5 or so. I am divorced, but I guess you could call my relationship a "modern" family as I still live with my x wife. Who knows what direction that will take in the future.
I have been out twice. Both times dressed to pass and only then after a professional makeover. But both times I lost my nerve. The first time I did not even manage to get out of my car. The second time I walked around the parking lot of hotel, but could not muster the courage to be "seen" by anyone. Maybe you kind ladies can help me? I have forms, hip pads, and dress to blend with the intentions of just moving about in the world as a woman. But both times, I caught a glimpse of myself at a wrong angle in a mirror and was horrified to see myself clearly as man with makeup on. My soul crashes and the good 'ol catholic guild comes crashing in. I scurry back to my hotel room in a low mood (mentally berating myself) and take everything off. Ive been at this long enough to not purge everything, but I put it all away as quickly as I can. Eventually my mood lightens and my confidence raises, but the rubber band like SNAP of my mood falling so drastically from happy and feeling like I pass to SNAP OMG I'm such freak, what the heck am I doing, I'm ugly, real men don't do this, how am I to press my desire to pass on the rest of the world. You know, all those unhealthy things our mind lies to us about? Ugggg. It's to the point that I'm afraid to try again because I don't want to feel like that agin. I read many posts about how it gets easier each time. Well for me, that has not been the case. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.