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Thread: For those who were pretty open with their SO from the start...

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  1. #1
    tiptoeing thru the tulips ellbee's Avatar
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    Smile For those who were pretty open with their SO from the start...

    Please share what it was like for you (and perhaps for them?) in your early days together, as it pertains to CD'ing/trans stuff.


    Likewise, should any SO care to chime in, I'm sure we'd love to hear from your point of view, as well!



    Many thanks in advance, y'all!

  2. #2
    Junior Member DaniellaUK's Avatar
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    My first long (ish) term relationship of three years fell apart when I revealed Daniella. My lovely gf just could not compute, we were both still in our teens so I guess it was a big thing to deal with for her (This is 30+ years ago when the subject matter was very much taboo). In fairness she tried to understand but it was too much. I lived in fear she would reveal my secret to the world. She did but bizarrely no one ever came right up to me and said "Is it true that you like to dress as a girl?" For a while I had sly jokes and digs that eventually went away.

    Next time I fell head over (high) heels in love I was determined to make it known asap. Started by me asking "Can I try on your gorgeous knickers?" She was totally shocked at the effect it had on me rather than the actual request, and she didn't seem phased at all. This lead to full disclosure soon after. "Well actually I errr kind of like wearing more than underwear." There was an initial look of surprise but no real "wtaf" moment. At times I took things too fast when I was ordering wigs and such online without speaking to her. Also whilst my so tried on multiple occasions, she could never enjoy intimacy with me as Daniella. But we spent a lot of time together as girls. There have been highs and lows along the way but I do consider myself a very lucky girl.
    Last edited by DaniellaUK; 10-19-2022 at 01:43 AM. Reason: Missed a bit

  3. #3
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I have to qualify my openness. Heading into what became my second long term relationship (18 years) I am not sure I was entirely open with myself, let alone my SO. She took underdressing in stride, but as I expressed increasing interest in going farther, she was less enthusiastic. She tried. It just got to be too much for her.

  4. #4
    Senior Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    With the lady I'm now married to, I told her the whole story about me and my gender "issues" after a just few dates and before we got too serious.
    Since then she has confessed that at the time, her reaction was basically "Well, he's a nice guy and the sex is good, so we'll see what happens."
    BUT - she did set some boundaries of what was, and was not, acceptable to her.
    For the most part, I've tried to "color within the lines" and now we've been married 20+ years.
    I guess I did something right, huh?

  5. #5
    Member Brianne_M's Avatar
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    Ive been married 18 years, I told her shortly after we met. Back then I would under-dress mostly with panties and a sports bra, we even had matching sports bras. It went quiet for a long time, I didn't do much until a few months after Covid hit. Since then ive bought a LOT of skirts, dresses, bras, forms, shoes, boots, leggings, and panties. Now I dress in some form daily. She knows its just a part of who I am. Bedroom relations were gone long before I went in heavy, and there was no change since then. The only complaints I get are on how much I spend on clothes. Shes retired, I work full time, and everything is paid off (house, cars. CC's) so all we have are utility bills and yearly property taxes. I admit I do spend a bit much, but the bills are paid. I try to limit my purchases, but sometimes I find that one thing I want and I get it. Over all, my dressing is accepted, I havent hit a "line" per se, so I just do my thing.
    I just want to be me, and be happy.

  6. #6
    Silver Member Majella St Gerard's Avatar
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    When I began seeing my 2nd wife, I let her in on my little secret the 2nd time that we were intimate (day 5, 1st time was day 1). She got out of bed to use the bathroom and I picked up her panties and put them on and got back into bed. She came back, looked at me and smiled and said "COOL" (we're both a bit kinky).
    She helped me accept myself and my cross-dressing. When I met her I was only under-dressing and now...

    Gerri
    Peace & Love

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member jacques's Avatar
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    hello Ellbee,
    when I came out to my wife she said "it's only clothes, so what's the big deal!"
    luv J

  8. #8
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    I was open from very early on ...about being a crossdresser. This was accepted without question. It was not until therapy helped me realize that I was something other than a CD that things got tougher. She is still supportive, but I can tell that is a struggle, at times. Her kids know. One is totally "meh", and the other wants to hear nothing about it. Open and honest communication is often hard (believe me, I know) but it is an absolute requirement if a relationship is to survive.
    Calling bigotry an "opinion" is like calling arsenic a "flavor".

  9. #9
    Senior Member Kris Burton's Avatar
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    I came out t my wife in our 40th year of marriage. Of course, I was not an active CDer until that year, so in truth I came out to her right away, or as soon as I realized myself. After our long time together, it was a shock for her to be sure, but after what she called a period of adjustment ( I interpreted it as tension ) things settled and pretty much returned to normal. I'm very glad I did not sell her short and hide, and I count being open about my CDing from the beginning as an important step. In the end, we have had much harder things to work though than this.
    www.flickr.com/people/194195593@N05/

  10. #10
    Silver Member NancySue's Avatar
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    I told her before we walked the aisle, fearing the worst. It triggered many long talks, but the end result was her acceptance. Much like Jacques, ?they?re just clothes?. She?s been a great help for which I?m very grateful.

  11. #11
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    Told my boyfriend when we were dating, and then once we were in a relationship I told him what clothes I wear (romantic lingerie/sleepwear). He was accepting and supportive of me from the start and it really bonded us closer together and made for a stronger relationship. He loved it when I told him I wear beautiful lingerie to bed, it makes things very romantic for us in the bedroom.

  12. #12
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    I told him everything after we got married, because I had doubts about accepting my identity but she help me a lot.

  13. #13
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
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    Well, it was over 40 years ago, so neither of us knew it was anything other than my own personal preference/look/proclivity/choice. We obviously didn't have the internet or any other frame/source of reference. I had been doing it to a large degree since my early teens with the acceptance/encouragement/blessings of my parents. She was very much in my corner on it. "It shouldn't matter how you dress, it should only matter that you're a good person". Getting married at 20 and moving to a new larger city and living on our own for the first time I think we both felt emboldened by that. I know I did. I wore more clothes from the girl's side of the aisle than from the boys, but I had done that prior to marriage. I had always worn my nails very long, but the first time I wore red polish in public was at her urging. I (or she) rolled my hair and frequently slept in huge curlers. If I needed to run an errand while I had my hair in curlers, I wore curlers in public (and for some reason I seemed to always have an errand to run!). Two months after we were married (and before I was even old enough to drink) I had to go out of town for work for a week. She helped me pack a separate suitcase of her clothes, makeup, etc. for me to wear every evening after my work stuff. My hotel was across the parking lot from a mall, so every night I'd get dressed up and go to the mall and out to eat. For the next 10 years (until we had our first child) I continually refined my female side until there just wasn't much male side left. I tried to revive it so I'd be a proper dad. That was short lived. Tried again after our second child. Again, short lived. As we matured and our circumstance/jobs/income/friends/neighborhoods/responsibilities changed, it wasn't so cool to have a husband that looked like a woman. I was so deep in that I was either unwilling or unable to change.

    I was lucky, lucky, lucky to have the acceptance and encouragement (or at least enabling) of my parents, and then I went directly into the same thing with my wife. Her acceptance and encouragement dwindled (appropriately, I guess) as our circumstances changed. I do not blame her for becoming intolerant, particularly now that I've heard more of her side. As I've said many times on this forum, I carried it way too far for someone who was not transitioning (which she thought I was).

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member Steph_CD_62's Avatar
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    I got caught by my first wife

    My second wife I told her of my love of lingerie from day #1. Within a couple of weeks of meeting her, I told her that I enjoyed wearing lingerie. She had the normal questions, gay? want to transitition to female? how long? why? After our initial talk about me wearing lingerie, we didn't talk for a couple days. I wanted her to have her time to think about what I told her. When we talked again she didn't have a problem with it.

    I knew I wanted to be honest from the beginning and I knew it was a risk, but from the first time of holding her I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

    I got very lucky that she was accepting of my crossdressing. Since we met, my crossdressing has grown beyond lingerie. With each new thing I would talk with my wife to make sure she was okay with it. We came up with some ground rules and I try to follow them as best as I can. No dressing every day of the week. No dressing on major holidays. No dressing on her birthday. And no dressing on our anniversary. She married a man, and she still wants to see me as a man, but has accepted that I am who I am and I won't change.

  15. #15
    Junior Member SashaJade's Avatar
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    Before I started dating my wife, I went through a bit of a phase of trying to find myself and dressing more. But I told her within the first week, we had known each for a few years and I kind of thought she already knew, I would go out in skirts a lot back then. But I found out she didn't know and its been 13 years(9 of it married). She has always been the biggest supporter for me being myself. I am definitely the feminine one in the relationship and it has caused confusion due to binary constructs, are we lesbians? should she be more masculine, if I am this fem? She doesn't see me as male, but if I am presenting male then things get confusing. So, we will usually talk about for a few minutes and give up, we have each other.

  16. #16
    Senior Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    Current gf was told by second date since I was just coming off of a divorce. I said to myself , self lol full speed ahead and dam the torpedos.. Low and behold her brother fully transitioned and was cool with it. 3/4 date stay over she said "dress up for me to see". She was amazed and the blunt honesty paid off in dividends ie dates to shopping together.
    Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.

  17. #17
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    I told her very early on. She took to it like a duck to water and we haven't looked back. It couldn't have worked out any better for me.

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member Mermaiden's Avatar
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    As they say, it?s been a journey. I started CD in my 30?s and didn?t understand it and tried to suppress it. In my 40?s I realized I really wanted/ needed CD and told my wife. She thought it was a passing minor interest. Of course it wasn?t. Now in my 60?s I am comfortable with my CD (and yes, this forum has helped get there). She accepts the reality of it and is ok with with most of it but doesn?t want to see me in bras or wear lingerie in bed with her. And I respect her boundaries.

  19. #19
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    I had been married before and never disclosed to my ex-wife. When I was single, before I met my now wife, I was able to dress when I wanted and was very happy. When my wife and I started to get serious, I told her about Jamie. She asked all the usual questions, did some research and stated she was OK with it. My wife is my biggest advocate, goes out with me and helps me shop, etc....
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  20. #20
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    Before meeting my wife, I'd run into a handful of women who were not accepting. Some were accepting, to be sure. But, I finally got to the point that I decided to not waste anymore time. I was going to tell whomever I next dated relatively early on in the relationship. If she wasn't accepting, I was going to break up with her. I'd keep dating new women until I found one that was accepting, and then devote no more than six months to the relationship at which point I would make a decision about whether to marry her or move on. Regardless, I wasn't going to be spending much time on any relationship if she didn't accept my crossdressing.

    So I told my now wife when we were driving back from somewhere, toodling down the highway at ~60. I figured she wouldn't jump out of the car and run for the hills at least at that moment She took it very much in stride. She'd grown up in situation where she was frequently in contact with LGBTQ people, and it wasn't something unusual for her. At the time, I hadn't ever had a skirt, dress, or heels of my own. I had underthings, but no outerwear. A couple of days after I told my wife, she bought me pantyhose. Test passed Some conversations occurred after that; in particular I remember one conversation where she said she wasn't sure how comfortable she would be if I dressed more fully. But, otherwise fully accepting.

    Fast forward a few years; we're married, 2 young children at home, and I found out about a CDer support group that met in a city about an hour away. In the weeks leading up to going to a meeting, I went pretty hard into the pink fog. I got my first two pairs of heels, a skirt, a top, and I was dressing most nights. I went to the meeting, which was on a very cold, windy night. My wife asked me to call her when I was on the way home. This was before cell phones were common place. There was no phone to use at the meeting place, so I had to use a pay phone at a gas station. There I am, standing in skirt, heels, and pantyhose trying to make a phone call with the wind tossing my skirt around like it's a play thing...and holy wow was it cold! I had a new appreciation for women's tribulations in dealing with wind and cold while wearing skirts/dresses.

    A few days after the meeting, my wife handed me a letter. It's been too long for me to remember the contents in detail, but it was a very direct disapprobation of my crossdressing. As much as I shocked her with the pink fog, the letter was a nuclear bomb in terms of my crossdressing. I went deep into DADT mode, and swore to never bring up the subject nor ever appear before her crossdressed again. It was the better part of a year before she ever brought the subject up again. Slowly, bit by bit, we worked the trust back up to where it was.

    It's been a journey. Since those days, my wife has bought me dresses, skirts, a couple pairs of heels, and etc. She's borrowed some of my things from time to time. Well, one thing she outright took and kept for herself She doesn't openly encourage me to dress, but never minds when I do. It hasn't been an issue since those days, and we keep maintaining communication. She sometimes voices that I shouldn't keep asking, but I tell her that I know feelings and thoughts can change, and it's important to me to keep communication up. The journey continues.
    Last edited by JulieC; 10-21-2022 at 06:34 PM.

  21. #21
    Platinum Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    JulieC, That was a great post! Thanks
    Crissy

  22. #22
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
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    One thing that never seems to come up when we're discussing disclosure early on is what happens when you disclose to someone who runs for the hills. You've now armed somebody with knowledge that can ruin you. It seems likely that they'd tell a lot of people. I think that throwing out that kind of information-that-becomes-ammunition as a test for compatibility... admirable, maybe, but as with most relationship issues we face, it's fraught with real danger.

  23. #23
    New Member spicy's Avatar
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    i started doing it based on a subscription goal i set for my livestream. it snowballed from there and my wife was happy to see money coming in because of it, so she's always been supportive.

  24. #24
    It is what it is
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    First post in at least a decade

    Currently married 5 years to the woman I've been w/ for 10 years. Told her almost right away in the relationship, as my previous two gfs had ended up not being too accepting of it, so didn't want to hide anything. It started out fantastic, she has a minor in gender studies, so was completely knowledgable and understanding about my dressing. Would help me shopping, teach me makeup, even had me move my clothes from their hiding spots to front-and-center in my closet, so as not to hide them but be accepting of it. Used to go out dressed with her, it was absolutely amazing. I knew that if she was cool w/ my dressing, she'd one day be my wife.

    Fast forward. Married with 2 wonderful kids. Family man, through and through: now it's an abhorrent thing to her. Can't talk about it, can't show it, everything about it is "gross". It's hidden more now than when she first found out about it. We've had long discussions about it, which usually end up in a fight... she knows I still do it, but I'm in a Catch 22: she doesn't want to hear about it at all, but if I don't tell her I'm doing it, I'm hiding something and being dishonest with her. At one point I told her that the first part of our relationship, where she accepted it, was one of the best times in my life... she blatantly said she supported it only to impress/land me. So damn dishonest, had she been truthful straight-up, like I was, we would have went our separate ways a looooooong time ago.

    I'm not trans, dressing is just a release for me, but I love it, and know that it won't go away. I'm miserable and resentful about the situation, but as hard as it is, have realized that this is only a small part of my life that doesn't control me, so would rather keep it hidden and my family happy/together. Oh well, there's always the next life.

  25. #25
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    I showed my girlfriend my wardrobe on her first visit to my place (probably 3rd or 4th date) - she enjoyed trying on my wig and clothes.
    She understood I dressed occasionally and was okay with it.

    We moved in together about 4 months later, I was discrete with all the kids at home.
    One day (about a year into our marriage) I went out with her while dressed, she was okay with it.
    Two years later I went out with her while dressed and she was concerned everyone in the restaurant was looking at her and judging her so She has never been out with me dressed, but 14 years on and the kids left home, I tend to dress however I want when it's just the two of us (but a quick change must be close in case the kids show up)
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

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