Coming out to our daughter?

[Pumped]

Our daughter was over to see us. She lives 900 miles away so it doesn't happen often. My wife had been lightly pushing me to tell her about my CD'ing. I am reluctant, because once out, you are out! I don't think my daughter would have an issue, but I can't control who she yells. Perhaps nobody, but you never know.

Our Daughter had some time when she was younger where she felt like she was more male and dressed like a boy for a while, we stayed fairly neutral about it and let her do what she wanted, but didn't support, or deny. We have had some question about her sexual preferences, but early on she got married and has been for twelve years and seems to enjoy it. I believe some of her genetics is coming from me. Although I have never had any gay experiences, sometimes I wonder as I have had male acquaintances I was extremely attracted too.

While she was visiting my wife started asking her questions about gender, homosexuality and more. All the time my wife was looking my way to see if I would "jump in". I didn't, I added to the conversation here and there, but I could tell my wife was wanted me to tell our daughter. In the end I didn't. I have told my wife I don't see the point. Perhaps it will open some other line of conversation, but with her living so far away there is not reason she would need to know.

I look back at my daughter's gender confusion from years back and look at her now. She is all female. A beautiful young woman, long hair almost to her waist. Wears light makeup, tiny, just like her mom. All woman, but I wonder if there isn't a bit of lesbian interest there.

[tifftg]

Difficult question indeed. In the end it sounds like you went with what you were comfortable with at this stage and yes, it doesn't sound like she will be popping in unannounced. Do you think your wife wanted to share so that she wasn't alone with the knowledge and could have an outlet. It is hard on wives. Just my two cents.

[kimdl93]

You and your daughter have the prerogative of sharing personal information or not. I am not really sure that there is any benefit in either sharing insights about the other unless you just want to. That is ok too.

I too can understand your wife wanting to be able to share, and I respect her for not just tossing it out there. Seems like the conversation should be between her and you. If she really would like you to come out to your daughter, that is a pretty good reason to do so. Of course, its ultimately your choice.

[docrobbysherry]

I agree with your choice, Pumped. If you're in the closet there's no reason to tell anyone who u don't live with!

It sounds like your daughter is about the same age as mine, 35? Her first marriage was to a man. Second to a woman. Now, she exclusively dates lesbians!
She's also pretty, petite, and very fem!

[NancyJ]

IMO, your daughter’s sexuality or gender preference has nothing to do with whether you share this with her. The only question would be whether it would benefit her, not whether it would benefit either your wife or you. I fail to see how telling her would benefit her or your relationship with her. This applies to relationships as well as many other things: When it ain’t broken, don’t fix it. Nancy

[Kris Burton]

I've been concerned about this same issue regarding my sons, age 34&37 respectively. I have chosen for now to remain closeted with them, I do not ask their personal business nor do they ask mine. Still, both are apt to pop over unannounced, the older one with his SO, so the possibility of getting a shock one day is there. Might it be better for them to know to avoid that? I'm on the fence.

[Pumped]

Do you think your wife wanted to share so that she wasn't alone with the knowledge and could have an outlet. It is hard on wives. Just my two cents.

Possibly, although my wife seems to be fairly accepting and I don't think she stresses about it any longer. A couple years ago, perhaps.

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IMO, your daughter’s sexuality or gender preference has nothing to do with whether you share this with her. The only question would be whether it would benefit her, not whether it would benefit either your wife or you. I fail to see how telling her would benefit her or your relationship with her. This applies to relationships as well as many other things: When it ain’t broken, don’t fix it. Nancy

I think my wife looks back to our daughter's situation and thinks that our daughter might find some reassurance knowing it may be a family trait.

[NonbiNancy]

Hi Pumped, I recently came out to my daughter and it was wonderful. She lives thousands of miles away so there was never an issue of getting caught. For me, when my daughter came out as bisexual she gave me the courage to be honest with her. We both were in tears when I opened up about my life long secret. When she told me how proud she was for coming out, that's when I told her that she gave me the courage. I can't tell you how good it feels to not have that secret between us.

[Heather76]

My daughter lives over 900 miles away. During a conversation today with the only cis woman (other than my wife) that knows I CD, I mentioned if I told my daughter (age 52) I was certain she'd be accepting. Then I suggested there is no real reason to tell her. In my case, unlikely as it is, if my wife pre-deceased me, then I'd tell her so she wouldn't be surprised/shocked going thru my personal belongings as she's cleaning up my estate.

[Aka_Donna]

Still think you need to rethink this. Not for you, or your daughter, but for your wife. She needs others to know so she is more comfortable. Next time...


Just to expand on this thought. I put off telling adult kids for several years. I had to do it for the sake of relationship with wife. One girl loves it, one girl would support but tension with wife prevents,
one boy has it as a non issue, and other boy appreciates knowing BUT will never discuss as hard to wrap his head around it.

Problem for me is somewhat like yours. Next she will want me to come out to LBGT+ local group.
Don't know if I should or not, and advice here would be appreciated. Retired, so being fired is no longer an issue.

[SaraLin]

I don't see any need to "confess" or "come out" about your dressing, but since she lives so far away I don't think you need to worry about her spreading the news, either.

I'd like to add though, that IF the subject of CD/TG/whatever comes up again, you could drop a couple comments in that indicate you know something about the subject. If she takes the hint and asks you for more info, you can share more. If she doesn't - no harm, no foul.

Personally, if I were in that situation, my wife was encouraging it, AND I thought my daughter might be open to the idea - I'd be jumping at the chance. This lifestyle can be a lonely one and if I could expand my circle of accepting friends and family, I would.

The decision is yours, though.

[Angela Marie]

Neither of my daughters would take it well; especially if I mentioned that I was transgendered. At 68 years old it would serve no purpose at this point. Too much to lose, little to gain.

[GretchenM]

I think you two have dealt with your daughter's growing up very well. And I agree that coming out to her opens a door that locks in place - open. But I also agree with your wife's position that you probably should come out to her. She went through a period of questioning and I agree that there is likely a genetic link in the similarity of behaviors between you and her. That is still a conjecture though and therefore needs to be viewed carefully in the context of her maturing. She apparently dealt with it and found her comfortable self in following a more cisgender pathway. But you really don't know that is the case.

One thing that has not been discussed about coming out to her is the possibility of triggering something deep in her that she may want to keep buried. Upsetting the apple cart. My gender therapist from years ago was a Tomboy as a youngster, but later became a very feminine woman and Lesbian. She was the only girl in a large family of boys, but she does not find that her path was influenced in a major way by being surrounded by brothers. So, you might want to consider where your daughter stands with regard to past pathways she followed and how they fit into where she has gone now. I wonder if your wife has thought about that aspect too. You two might want to discuss that. It would be a shame to come out to her and destabilize her self perception in the context of her marriage. Of course this is far, far deeper than I know and I would not even try to advise you. But it is something to think about.

[alwayshave]

Pumped, I see no reason tell anyone. I have thought of telling one of my step daughters, she is pretty woke. Works in social justice. She went with her mother and I to DC's High Heel Drag Race last night, I still won't tell her.

[NancyJ]

I think my wife looks back to our daughter's situation and thinks that our daughter might find some reassurance knowing it may be a family trait.

That is quite a dramatic assumption, given that your daughter apparently shows no current indication that she is struggling with gender. Again, when it ain’t broke…

[April Rose]

It sounds to me that your wife very much wants to share this with your daughter. This might be much more of a need for your wife than for you. Women seem to feel the need to communicate about very personal issues in a way that men don't.

About ten years ago I told my wife she could talk about my crossdressing with anyone she wanted to. It wasn't fair to keep her in the closet with me. It was very helpful to her, and it cost me nothing.

At the very least I think you should have a frank discussion with your wife about why she wants to tell your daughter. she might really be asking to be released from isolation.

[TheHiddenMe]

Honestly, I don't know why you are asking people on this board who don't know you to give you advice when the person who knows you the best (besides you) wants you to tell your daughter.

There are two reasons your wife wants you to disclose:

1. It's good for her. My go to guy Dan Savage always says that when he came out as gay to his mom that she said he had to tell others, otherwise she was in the closet with him. Perhaps she needs someone to offload the burden.

2. Your wife thinks it would be good for YOU. Perhaps she thinks it will cause you less stress, or other reasons.

Of course, another possibility is both 1 and 2.

You're here asking for support while deep down you know what your wife--from what you've repeatedly written, you're very supportive wife--wants you to do. I think you ought to listen to her instead of the idiots (me included) opining on a message board.

As to your speculation on your daughter's interests, she may know her gender but perhaps she is bi at a minimum. According to surveys, more people identify as bi these days. It doesn't mean there are more bi individuals now, but just that more people are willing to cop to it.

Just my two cents.

[Annajose]

Difficult question indeed. In the end it sounds like you went with what you were comfortable with at this stage and yes, it doesn't sound like she will be popping in unannounced. Do you think your wife wanted to share so that she wasn't alone with the knowledge and could have an outlet. It is hard on wives. Just my two cents.

I think you got it! We force our wives to keep a secret, something about their daily life that they cannot share, always having to be careful when they talk to our kids on what you can say or not. Keeping our secret is very hard on them.

[Connie D50]

I don't know your whole story. Is it possible that your wife wanted someone she might want to talk to about your CD'ing ?