Please don't let the title of this post suggest I'm going to do any self-harm. I'm just saying that I may not be able to dress as Laura ever again. This is the first time I've been to the forum in a long time and I'm sad that it might be forever eventually. I hope that I haven't violated the rules by typing in partially censored profanity.
Laura was my name when I first joined this forum many years ago. I browsed the forum avidly for several years as I started discovering how strong my desires were. As I re-read that last sentence, it seems to be such a contradiction, because I've been crossdressing on and off since I was five and in varying levels of "intensity". I'll put that story in my re-introduction post if I can.
After several years away from the forum, including not dressing very much because of the pandemic, I'm coming back on to possibly say goodbye and to perhaps seek some counsel. Again, to be clear, I'm not thinking of self-harm. But after 21 years of marriage, I came out to my wife, and it went very badly.
The story is a bit convoluted, but please bear with me as I start at the semi-beginning.
In addition to my crossdressing, I have been obsessed with trans porn for a long time. Perhaps addicted is more accurate. I was regularly viewing it after we married and one day, two years into our marriage she caught me. She was furious and considered this equivalent to cheating on her. I vowed not to do it again, but eventually I started up again. At the same time, I was diving deeper into my crossdressing and started buying more and more outfits, shoes and hosiery over the years. I don't think I need to tell you that I did all this secretively and when only when she was out of the house and the kids were at school.
This went on for the next 19 years until last week, when she again found me looking at pictures. This time however, they were photos of CDs on Flickr, and she didn?t notice that they were GGs. The same goes with the first time she caught me; she didn't realize they were trans women.
This second time she caught me she was just as furious if not more so, because I had broken my promise. The fact that we were going on a family trip along with our two grown kids the next day was especially difficult. Over the week, though, she thawed a bit and started talking to me again. Perhaps it was for the sake of appearance in front of the kids and in front of family we were visiting.
As the week progressed, I kept thinking about how to address the elephant in the room. I felt if it was brought up or there was an opportunity to bring it up, I would confess to her. When we got back home, we were going to my son?s hockey game. After we dropped him off at the arena doors, we parked. This was the first time we were alone and I thought this might be the time she would bring up the pictures and the crossdressing. In retrospect I now know that was wrong. And I should have known that since, when I was visiting this forum before, I saw all the advice from people that pretty much suggested that this approach would be the worst way to do it.
Nonetheless, what happened happened. I apologized for looking at pictures of women again, and she actually kindly asked why I was doing it. I said it's a long story and I'm afraid of how you'll react if I tell you why. She said for me to tell her and I told her that I was looking at pictures of CDs and trans porn. I then told her that I crossdressed and had done it for a long time.
Her reaction was shock and silence. She told me to get out and go watch our son?s game. She came in shortly after, sat down on the bench beside me, and pushed me away from her.
The last two days has been a lot of anger, fury, and accusations of betrayal and of ruining our marriage. I'm a sick -. This (the porn and the crossdressing) is a disease. This is no longer a marriage. You're a selfish - You're not the man I married. You're not a man. You're an ugly blank blank girl. You've never loved me. You married me so you could show everyone you're straight.
Somewhere in there, she slapped me and hit me several times, too.
Yesterday, after several more hours of fury vented at me, she demanded I show her the clothes. I pulled out a bag that was in my downstairs office and she alternated between fury and sobbing. She demanded I throw out the clothes I showed her, which I did (although there are few bags in the garage I will throw out as well). (I know, purging is not going to work; it will come back stronger than ever.) I did tell her that I was afraid of needing to dress again. That disgusted her more. And she said if that?s the case, this marriage is over.
She asked why didn't I tell her before, and I said it was hard for me to find a way to come out to her, that I was in fear of this very same reaction, and that I thought I could pleasure myself (which at times I did want to do). She said that if I did come out to her before I proposed she would have said To hell with you and walked away. But now she?s stuck in this marriage that is not a marriage, and she is so furious at having been betrayed and lied to for over 20 years. I couldn't argue with that.
I actually booked an online therapist right then and there to ask for guidance on this and to see what the next steps could be. As I spoke to the therapist, my wife listened to the conversation (because she doesn't trust me), but out of sight of the video camera. I told the story I just told you and the therapist suggested I approach my wife to see if she would go for couples counselling to arrive at some compromise. She did not react well to that comment. My wife later said why should I have to compromise? This is all you! You ruined the marriage! You ruined three people's lives!
When I mentioned to the therapist that my wife said I was sick, the therapist gave a sympathetic "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. This is a part of you and it's not harming anyone". My wife again seethed in rage on hearing that.
So now, to save my marriage, I have committed to seeking therapy to address my porn addiction, and also to see how I can stop crossdressing. She feels that the two go hand in hand, so all of it has to stop. And even then, she said that this, pointing at herself and then to me, is no longer a marriage.
Yet the thing is, my wife is right. I no longer love her. I did at first, but I guess, like me, she didn't turn out to be the woman I married. I can go into that a lot more, but the point is, I am ready to separate and seek a divorce. I can't go on having this held over my head and likely belittling me for the rest of my life. She's threatened to tell everyone, and if I tell the kids, she will pack up and take the kids with her. To be honest, I'm ok if others find out. There may be some who don't accept me, but I?m tired of hiding this. As well, I think and hope my kids would be accepting of my crossdressing (the porn not so much). My daughter who is the oldest considers herself an ally. But who knows what their reactions will be when they find out their dad is a CD?
But, after all the belittling she threw at me, I seethed inside as well and I don't think I can live with her going forward. The reactionary part of me wants to bide my time, prepare for a divorce and move out shortly.
This may seem hypocritical given that I've committed to seeing a therapist to address my addiction to porn and my crossdressing desires, but I can't live with her. She will never trust me, or so she says, and if it was me in her shoes, I could honestly say I wouldn?t either.
So that's sort of my story for the last two weeks. I'd love to get some advice and support. Slings and arrows, maybe not so much, but I get that I probably did a lot of things wrong. But any advice on trying to mend the relationship (or not), or actually planning for a divorce would be helpful to me. Thanks for listening.
Originally Posted by SirDonna
