Betty, the therapist I went to 25 years ago said the same thing many other T's have written here about their therapists:
"Your crossdressing is not an issue. As long as it doesn't harm u or anyone else. If it does, then we can discuss that."
Now, if u still need to hear that from your own therapist? Go for it!
Since u don't want your wife to know, u can sneak out dressed to satisfy your craving.
Until u get caught. But then, u may need a couples therapist!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
Betty, your responses in #46 suggest that you really do need to visit with a therapist. While I agree that most competent therapists will agree that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with cross dressing, they will also agree that the problem lies in obsessive thinking and the emotional consequences and apprehensions of those thoughts. You can learn and practice techniques that will help you address obsessive thinking, manage compulsive and impulsive behaviors. and improve your sense of self-control. These are all part of cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT is collaboration with your therapist. He/she can guide you on the techniques, but you have to practice them, and I do mean practice.
So, lets repeat:
1) There is nothing wrong with cross dressing.
2) Cross dressing itself, does not cause emotional distress or relationship problems
3) If you have obsessive thoughts that adversely affect your ability to engage in and enjoy your life, then you can get help to manage the obsessive thoughts.
4) If you feel compulsive need to do something (any behavior) and then feel guilty about it otherwise, you can learn skills to manage the compulsions and avoid the subsequent feelings of guilt.
5) whether you choose to continue or abstain from cross dressing, you can learn and practice skills that will help you put aside harmful pattern of thinking.
A post script: share that list of reasons for quitting with your therapist. It will help inform the therapist about your thought processes. I was struck by how many times you make unflattering characterizations of yourself and the number of negative projections about the future.
Last edited by kimdl93; 11-21-2022 at 02:15 PM.
Lisa hit this one on the nose! If you associate any habit crossdressing or not to good feelings you are not going to stop.Originally Posted by Lisa516
There are ways to stop by learning how to stop habits.
Any book about habit forming would help and just do the opposite.
I wouldn't suggest purging and throwing it out on the chance later on you decide that you want to continuing dressing. Wishing you the best !
[FO
Hello Betty. I did not actually knowingly start to cross dress in 2006. I did not know till then that I had it in my mind since I was 9.
Then in 2006 it came out full force. I even thought about the full change. I settled with being both he and she. Since then I have had strong desires for the 24/7 dressing and at other times I have gone for weeks without dressing.
The advice I can offer you is to ride with how you fill. BUT NEVER EVER PURGE! you will come back with the urge to dress again it is embedded in your personality. That shopping trip should be a reminder.
The only time you get rid of shoes/clothes/etc is when they no longer fit. Not when they are out of fashion.
Purging is a very big expense, specially when the desire returns, and it will.
Leslie Mary Shy
Remember this:
You do not have to be a man to love a woman, or be a woman to love women's clothes on her or yourself.
_________________________
Hi Betty-
Your situation is a serious one and needs to be treated with thoughtful consideration. First, as you have read, purging is a normal situation and most of us have done it. I have totally purged everything several times. Fortunately, I could afford to buy even more attractive outfits the next time. All problems can be solved with sufficient thinking and re-thinking where you come to finite conclusions, perhaps to purge. Then you decide that you really like the looks and feel of being a woman. This is natural, so go through the thought and decision process again. Eventually, you will come to the status where you say to yourself, "I am happy in the skin that I have decided upon". During this process I recommend that you stay positive and just enjoy the evolution. I am much older than you with more experience as a crossdressing female, and I must say that I now appreciate who I am and never question the process that brought me here and the decision to love being female. You may decide on an opposite direction, but be happy with making it a thoughtful and enjoyable process.
False equivalence much? The comparison of gender identity with addiction comes up from time to time here, and it is always wrong. Smoking, drugs and alcohol, sex addiction are self destructive habits. Being TG is not. No... The fact that one can often suffer at the hands of others for being TG is not the same thing.
Oh, they may be just as hard to give up, but in general, the life of an addict gets better once those things no longer control their lives. Not so with gender identity. It is not something that can be "cured" through the application of willpower. Stop enabling those who are still selling "conversion therapy".
Calling bigotry an "opinion" is like calling arsenic a "flavor".
Respectfully, I'm going to have to disagree with Krisi's advice above. Krisi, I absolutely mean no disrespect in disagreeing with you. I just have a different viewpoint.
I don't view crossdressing as an addiction, and I think it's dangerous to do so. A person who is an alcoholic isn't born an alcoholic. They might have tendencies from birth that lean towards addiction, but an alcoholic is not who they are. There is plenty of evidence to strongly suggest that crossdressing is something you are born with; it IS who you are. We've seen plenty of people on this forum who have noted mental health issues become more of a problem the more they are forced to not dress en femme. I've noticed this in myself as well. I for one will not give up crossdressing because I know the negative impact the lack of crossdressing has on me.
The best answer to this, regardless of our personal opinions and anecdotal evidence, is that of a qualified therapist.
Hi Betty, You can Run. But you can't Hide,
The urge will always be there, >Orchid:**OO**
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~...
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
I am grateful for the discussion, I already feel better.
Thank you Krisi, knowing that most depends on me is encouraging.
However, it is not quite the case that no one is forcefully disguising me.
Every morning I wake up dressed, whether I want to or not. As I mentioned, I have gynecomastia. I'm attaching a photo so that it's clear what I'm talking about.
I think this is my main trigger for " being" a woman.
I considered surgery, but there is too much risk of complications.
thumbnail_blob0.146872578.jpg
Glad you're feeling better. In my case it is helping myself to take a "deep dive" into my past to present, working within "recovery groups" like ACA and CODA, as to help understand I am why I am and where I am at. Add to that.... I think this is something to not take too seriously and work on self-acceptance. Like others have said it's part of an internal- identity and not an addiction, of which addictions are from external forces. It can feel addicting (and that's why many get it confused with sex addiction) but it's always there and it can only be mitigated a bit (which OCD research might be good for).
Last edited by Cela_Tracy; 11-22-2022 at 12:27 PM. Reason: add information
Betty, I have purged a couple times but now I just put Deborah's things away for another day. I know I will be back as Deborah and enjoying all that side of me; it is who I am. I am 64 and I can't imagine life going forward otherwise. Please don't deny Betty her voice; it is part of who you are and that is perfectly OK!
Love, Deborah
There is physical dependence caused by the release of the "pleasure hormones" dopamine and endorphins when dressing. Once we get accustomed to the pleasurable feelings we've experienced (especially when sex or intimacy are involved), we tend to crave those feelings again. So while not "addiction" per se, even when we can't figure out why we do it, we always want to go back and do it again. And as long as it's not hurting anyone or getting in the way of an otherwise good relationship, I say why fight it?
POV. Not sure what your life situation is.
If surgery isn't good, it isn't good.
IMHO, I would love to have extreme gyno and real natural breasts.
Your real baggage is letting it victimise you. It's OK to be happy with yourself.
Last edited by CarlaWestin; 11-25-2022 at 09:27 AM.
I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!
Unfortunately, for some,it's not a release of 'pleasure hormones' when dressing, as it is a cessation of stress hormones from trying to repress the desire to crossdress. We just feel 'normal' when crossdressed, there's not pleasure involved, just the end of feeling stressed out.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Don't worry, when you die, you'll stop!
"This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
Much more fun than fishing.
I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?
Good point, Lexi. I may experience this too, in addition to the pleasure hormones. So whichever is the case for any individual, i.e. whether crossdressing induces pleasure and/or reduces stress to feel normal, it's a reason to accept their dressing and enjoy it to the greatest extent possible depending on SO/family/work constraints.
I don?t believe there is an answer to this,everyone is different and have a different story
You could ask yourself what triggers it or what does it trigger and work from there
Or why do I want to stop ,what would happen if I stopped
Personally I think its a part of who I am that I?ve repressed for so long and now I?ve released it after so many years I can?t stop
And don?t really want to,I think my so wants me to but that?s another story
I have tried and tried but always want to dress.
I have a therapist and she has helped me.
Put me on a "water pill" and I thought it would lesson my desire to dress but it didn't
Lowered my s-drive but not my xdressing drive
join the club
Betty, although I humored about the comparison you made between smoking and dressing, I don't mean seriously for a second that dressing is equal to an addiction, so I have to disagree with Krisi, not in the sense that you can't have the will power to stop, but in the sense that if you succeed, you may be miserable for the rest of your life, something that isn't true for addictions (not saying it will be easy either).
Sure we can dress for sexual reasons, and then this could be compared to stopping porn. But even for fetish dressers, I don't believe the transgender element to be completely absent. As for myself, my dressing is a hobby, a disguise, yes. And I do it very rarely. But if I had to completely stop like I quit smoking, I would be profoundly sad. Because it is also a part of my personality that would be repressed. Not so with quitting smoking.
Anyway you don't ring as a fetish dresser, so I don't see how you could "quit". This seems to be who you are. You may be able to repress it and reach a compromise (I say maybe), but I don't think for a second that you can quit being who you are. It doesn't make sense.
Like others said, a therapist may help, if s/he makes you ask yourself the right questions.
Last edited by DianeT; 11-29-2022 at 06:00 AM.
Betty, I rarely see new member posts get so much attention.
I guess you can tell we are really concerned about your well being.
Do one more post to open up the PM messaging. I know a couple of folks here that started CD due to gynocomastia.
I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!
I have received a broad willingness to help and advice here. I am very grateful and sincerely appreciate it.
I will also try to share my insights, because, as you can see, I am not the only one experiencing ambivalent feelings about dressing up.
As of today: I think I have finally succeeded in recognizing that I am a cross-dresser.
I no longer feel guilty about something or inferior in some respect to the average man.
At the same time, however, I envy those average ones, if only I could make the choice, I would like not to feel such a desire.
I am not particularly attracted to particularly expressive feminine things, such as sexy lingerie.
My greatest emotional pleasure comes from dressing up in ordinary feminine things, so probably the fetish element is not at the forefront in my case.
Today, after several months, I capitulated again and spent almost the whole day in public as a woman.
I was fine with it and now I feel, for the first time in a long time, inner peace.
I wonder for how long.
As an aside: it makes me wonder how people see me.
Do they perceive a man in women's clothing, but are tolerant or do they not realize who I am.
In the many years before I accepted myself I tried to stop more times than I care to admit.
The dreaded PURGE, the pledge to Never again, always followed by the ... it's just a pair of panties, it's just a pair of stockings, it's just a skirt. Only to be repeated.
Then I accepted myself and the fact that this is part of me. It's not hurting anyone. It's not perverted. It's just who I am.
Now those thoughts no longer haunt me and I can't imagine wanting to stop.
I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !
Your experience may differ from mine, but I can't stop. It always comes back. In saying that I have not fully dressed in 9 years. However, I am under no illusions and know that I will again one day.
I don't know that we as a group can really stop, I do think we can go through varying periods of abstinence. However, the desire to dress will always return. At least it has in my life.
Just another man in a dress
Nine years - it took a strong will. Why did You decide to avoid full dressing?
I am also convinced that the desire to "be" a woman I will never get rid of.
The question is: does following this desire give happiness?
It seems that cross-dressing for some of us gives a lasting sense of fulfillment and happiness.
To others, however - only for a while, to hurt in the long run.
This must surely be the case, otherwise there would be no throwing away of clothes, abstinence, then returns etc.
Since I belong to the latter, I try to tame the urge within me.
Every good idea to help this task will be appreciated.😃
No chance of stopping in my case, the urges are too strong and I love wearing romantic lingerie in the bedroom so much. Could never stop doing it.
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