Anyone else stuck in the closet?

[SissyAlly]

I?ve wanted to be a girl since my earliest memories. I wish I was brave enough to tell my family at a young age. Fast forward to now, I?m 28 and a single dad raising my daughter on my own (with the help of my family thank god) and I know that forever I?m going to be stuck as a man (pretty sure I?m trans).

I quit dressing for 5 years but find myself buying more and more clothes that I keep in a safe (it?s getting out of hand). I?m okay with knowing I?m probably trans but also accepting that transitioning is never going to be in my cards. I?m kind of ranting. I guess I just wanted to ask if anyone else feels like they?re stuck. Stuck never truly getting to be who they are

[Geena75]

I'm in a closet (neither spouse, nor family or old friends know anything about my 'peculiar pastime'), but my closet has an escape hatch. Although getting all done up and hanging out there isn't feasible, it does make a good base for getting out as Geena. I have to coordinate things carefully to make it happen, but I can do it.

Still, I do feel a little constrained at times, not being able to dress or even talk about it if/when the mood strikes me. I recognize that a) I have a lot of rewarding things to do at home with the family and b) I have Geena inside me and can let my mind create outings and situations (which I might be able to realize some other time). All I can advise is to stay the course and be mindful of opportunities.

[Diane P]

I guess you could say I'm stuck in the closet, no one else knows that I CD. Of course I just started CDing, dresses, night gowns, etc. after my wife passed in Jul. I had been CDing a little, wearing thongs under my regular clothes, off and on for 20 years. About 2 months after my wife passed I decided to go to the store to get some thongs, since I had thrown out all that I had about 10 months ago. As I was driving to the store the thought slipped into my mind that "I wonder what I'd look like in a dress".

So I bought some bikini panties and a dress and tried them on as soon as I got home. It was amazing how natural and normal I felt in the dress. Of course I've bought more dresses, shorts, tops, night gowns and bikini panties in the last couple months. I CD only at home because I have a beard, which I have had since I retired from the Air Force in 97. So to go out en femme would be immediately reveled to be a man in a dress. I'm comfortable and happy with just CDing at home and love all the women's clothes that I have bought for myself.

[NonbiNancy]

Hi SissyAlly, I can share that I was stuck, hiding my true (non-binary) identity even from myself (even though I started CD when I was 10). I obviously don't know you or your life but I can share that in my situation VERY slowly opening up to those I love was more liberating than I could have hoped for. This forum is filled with kindness and wisdom. I think it can help you find your path (in or out of the closet).

You're not alone here!

-NonbiNancy

[ErikaH]

I am there as well. Only the people on the forums know about Erika. Heck, I am still getting to know her, but I am enjoying learning about her!

[Pumped]

I guess I just wanted to ask if anyone else feels like they?re stuck. Stuck never truly getting to be who they are

I believe there is a whole bunch of us here that think like you do. I often wonder if I knew what i know now when I was younger my life would have taken a totally different direction..

At my age and with my family and where I am in life I am just going to stay in the closet, with one high heel dangling out once in a while.

[CeCe]

SissyAlly, although I do not identify as trans nor have I ever wanted to be a girl, I repressed my desire to crossdress for decades. I only recently embraced my identity as a closet crossdresser. While I would not use the term "stuck," I would say that my journey.may take me to new places. For the first time, I have a girlfriend who knows about my crossdressing. I have revealed my crossdressing to a few more friends in recent years. I am still in the closet, but not stuck because I see that the door is opening slowly..Hopefully, in time, you will have opportunities to live your true self.

[Debs]

why are you all stuck in the closest ?, its called travel, travel 40 miles to your next town or destination, book a hotel room for the night, get dressed and be the person you really want to be, and yes find excuses why your going out of town for the night, and yes when your out there dressed, dont stay in your room, go for a walk, but most of all, use google, plan your night out, check where its a friendly lgbt area, then you can have an amazing night out dressed. just takes a bit of positive thinking.

[CharlotteCD]

It's always so easy ^^^

Except for those of us who have a child, and one car, and don't have the money to just book a hotel room for the night.

Plus trying to explain why you're going away for a night, when the house needs work doing to it, but you've been saying you don't have the money.

Or why you're taking a big bag with your outfits, wig, makeup, brushes etc away with you, when you normally just take a single backpack for your work nights away.

[Kris Burton]

SissyAlly -I don't think you are stuck at all - I don't see any impediments to your coming out. It strikes me that the key to opening that closet is your own self acceptance. If that is very difficult, you might find it helpful to speak with a gender therapist to answer those issues. You're a young person with many wonderful years ahead of you, it would be tragic to remain in a prison of your own making.

[NaughtyMichelle]

I'm 99% closeted, but fortunately have a good friend who knows and encourages me. We've done a number of trips together and I always get dressed for at least one evening. I used to go out every weekend, but that's not possible any more.

I have zero need or want to share Michelle with my family.

[Claire M]

Ally, like a lot of folks on here I am also in the closet. My wife knows but isn't supportive so I keep Claire and her things stashed away for when she's not around. I sort of outed myself to her when my son was three. Here final comment in the discussion that day was "don't ever let your son find out. It will destroy him". The closet is a little bit "what you make it". Several have made suggestions of under dressing but there can be other opportunities. Maybe your daughter can sleep over at grandma's occasionally. You can do a princess tea party with her if she's into that. I had a boat moored an hour away from home for several years that ended up needing a lot of maintenance (at least once a month - year round).

As she gets older, your closet may get deeper if you stay on that route. She will probably ask a few questions, like if she sees women's panties in the laundry. Kids ask a lot of questions and are very observant, but they will also surprise you at how open and accepting they can be. Enjoy as many experiences with your daughter as you can as you only get one shot and they grow up so quickly. Only you will know what your closet will look like.

[char GG]

Welcome to the forum SissyAlly.

I give you lots of credit for raising a young child on your own, which is extremely difficult but a very important job.

Just remember that eventually, she will grow up and you will have more time for yourself.

Best wishes to you.

[Di]

Welcome,
I think it’s wonderful you are raising your child on your own, I had to do that myself with my three.
You can still be you around your child right? Very nurturing, planning their meals, schooling what most women do. So look at it like that. That is the most important thing in life,
Raise them to be understanding and accepting of others.
You are doing a role that most women do.
You can make friends here , talk through pm, do things you love to do with your child, wear gender neutral clothing, paint your nails just live your life and if you feel stuck talk to a therapist.
The only limit you have is what you limits you put on.

[Debs]

Charlotte, just make excuses all your life, if you want it , youll find a way, I did, and so do many more

[CharlotteCD]

Charlotte, just make excuses all your life, if you want it , youll find a way, I did, and so do many more

Feel free to explain how those "excuses" are solved, and I'll do it. As explained, I have to prioritise the leaking bathroom that I currently don't have money to fix, and I don't have any friends I can stay with unless I outright lie to my wife about staying at another woman's house, so that only leaves a hotel. I can't afford that because the house comes first. I also can't get there by car or I will be leaving my wife without a car, which has an app that tells her exactly where it is. Again, you may be comfortable with the amount of lying I would have to do to "find a way", but I am not comfortable with taking actions that would result in starting the divorce process.

[Shiny]

Well Ally, you are only 28, I hit 65 this fall and let me assure you, you're a freak! Just like the rest of us! Doesn't change, doesn't get better and it never goes away. You are stuck with your "condition" like being a left-hander or blue eyed. Period. Diabetics need shots once a day or so to maintain, CD's have their needs too, to dress and the sensation hits them on their own level and you satisfy this urge to deal with it then you move on. Instead of worrying about this "condition" I, years ago, turned it into a "hobby." It's different, it's weird and nobody but us here and our "type" will ever understand. That's just the arena you now find yourself in. You deal with it and move on. Just plan on spending way too much money on this hobby, buying larger and larger storage containers and keeping your secret like the location of pirate gold. You just do the best you can and move on. Not really a simple or satisfying answer but as I have said for over 20 years here, it is what it is.

[Sabine Janus]

Charlotte

Those constraints are real.

Look forward to the opportunities that come up, try to make them happen if you can(Why YES dear i support you going to see you mom) and until then dream

SJ

[Beano980]

bravo to you for putting your child first!

We all have tradeoffs and negotiations we have to make in our life. If its possible, it may be easier if view your current circumstance as your choice and try to focus on the beauty of why you make the choices you make. Not easy, I get it.

Oh, and underdress as much as possible!

[April Rose]

I came out to my son when he was 22, turned out he had known since he was 14. Kids are inquisitive, and they don't always follow the conventions of privacy.

[NancyJ]

Yes, many of us are in the closet. Good for you for being a responsible dad and putting your daughter first. Like you, I have always wanted to be female and believe I am trans, but I have lived a male life and raised my kids and stayed in my marriage because I love my wife. She knows and allows some level of dressing.

You have a lot of life yet to live and perhaps some day you will meet an accepting life partner and be able to live more of your dreams. It has helped me to accept that I will never BE a woman. I can only admire and imitate (wear female clothing when I can, always underdress, and emulate femininity). Know that there are many like you! Nancy

[Debs]

sorry might have been a bit harsh, but you cant fight it all your life, it will bite you if you dont sort it out

[Jillcder]

SissyAlly glad to hear your putting your daughters needs ahead of yours Char is correct eventually you will have more time to yourself remember you are very young and have many great years ahead.

[Angela Marie]

I'm not in the closet. I dress fully and go out. My wife is very understanding. She does not participate which is fine and she would prefer our friends not know. I could never tell my children. They would not understand and it would ruin my relationship with them and my grandchildren. You always have to balance your priorities in life. They are by far, along with my wife, mine. I'm somewhat sad that I can't come out fully but happier that I have a great relationship with those I love.

[GretchenM]

Welcome! You are in a good place where you can talk about your feelings and your situation and not fear retribution. Not everybody is transition material; in fact a majority are not. So you do what is wise for your situation.

Once again I find Char and Di say it well. ("Who are those gals?") You are mom and dad and that is a tough role to follow effectively. Your daughter is fortunate to have a parent that can effectively be male-like and female-like as needed. A special person, indeed. You need to provide for her the role image of both dad and mom. Of course she still needs to have true female contact as well; it is a very rare transperson who can provide that and also do the male part. But if you feel you need an expressive outlet (some kind of dressing) then the gender neutral clothing is likely the way to go, as Di suggested.

I wanted to be a girl when I was very young, up to about 7 to 9. My mother caught me playing with her clothes and makeup and I admitted to her my desire to be a girl. This was the mid 50's. It did not go well and her gentle (her view) rejection drove me into the closet for almost 60 years where I lived in fear of being found out and suffered many mental and social difficulties in the process - DO NOT GO THERE. You haven't done the big reveal and consider it carefully in the context of your situation before you do it. It is hard, but it appears you do have a good reason to restrain yourself.

As Di so wisely said, you are doing the job of a woman. You don't actually need to dress to do that. You just do it! That is pretty much the way my life is. My wife loves it and tolerates my bits and pieces approach to expression. But for me, doing the role is far more important than looking the role. Dressing does not define my identity; my identity is there no matter how I dress or even if I am "buck necked." Just a suggestion of something you might want to consider. Being dad and mom is, in my book, something a woman would do.