How to explain..

[sometimes_miss]

I decided to come out to a cousin; in order to explain why I crossdress, instead of just telling her that I've always had to 'stuff it' deny the feelings, and just 'be a man' as society wants me to, and deal with the stress of behaving as a man and always dressing as a man, I had to come up with something that she could understand. I came up with this:

'Imagine that every day, you have to dress up in a dog costume, and behave as a dog. You can only bark, or vocalize as a dog. No human speech. You can't just 'write in the sand' words to express yourself. No 'one bark for yes, two barks for no. And you have to do that every day, never ending. Because that's what I'm doing, having to pretend to be a 'standard issue male.
How stressful would that be? Would you want to do anything to cope with that stress?'
That's what I have to deal with. Every day, I have to dress up in a 'man uniform', and play the part of a standard issue male. I have to pretend that I don't feel the emotions that I feel, and just ignore the need to dress as the person, the gender, that I truly am.
She said she had to think about it. I'm awaiting her comments. I'm not sure what to expect.

How have you explained it, in a way that you thought someone else could understand what it's like?

[jacques]

Hi,
I have never had the need to explain my cross-dressing to anyone else; just myself!
But, your explanation works well!
luv J

[docrobbysherry]

That explanation could only work for a trans, Lexi. It's not that easy for a CD to explain what we do and why. I can't say I'm more "comfortable" dressed and presenting as a woman than as a man.

It's just a lot more exciting, arousing, and just plain fun!

[Sandi Beech]

Coming out to people you know or are related to is probably a little unpredictable , and I have little experience with that. I have come out to a lot of strangers when I am in drab mode. I find the easiest way is to just show the person a picture of me dressed up. A picture is worth a thousand words, right. It is kind of hard to envision the transformation otherwise unless you are dressed in front of the person. I do not try to explain it other than I get enjoyment from it. They usually do not care, and say things like - well if it makes you happy, then go for it. There really is no need to fill in the why.

Hopefully your cousin will be accepting. Good luck.

Sandi

[Diane P]

sometimes_miss I hope you get an understanding response from your cousin. I haven't had to explain my cross dressing to anyone else and don't know if I could. Though your explanation might work well. I can't even explain it to myself other than to say that it just feels right, normal and natural to dress as a woman as often as I can.

[Fiona_44]

I have come out to 8 or 9 people I know. My explanation is that in some men their female side is more prominent than in other men and I am one of them. I explain that I have discovered that I am much more comfortable and happier with that side of me versus the male side and I prefer to now lead my life as a woman which enables me to enjoy life to the fullest. Everyone has been very accepting so far.

[Debbie Denier]

I used the analogy that some men like to dress as cowboys. I like to dress as a woman . This went down like a lead balloon with my wife. It was however my explanation after she discovered my hidden stash of clothes.Your disclosure is under very different circumstances. Good luck Lexi.Hope you get a positive outcome with your cousin.

[April Rose]

In the past I've used three different analogies to explain my trans situation to non trans people. Only one of them is original to me:

1) It's like being homesick for a place you've never been.
2)It's like having double vision.
3 It's like a religious"calling"; You may fight it, but you can't deny it.

[Aka_Donna]

I still love the explanation of an older poster, who has left the site. Life is like living in a symphony. Until I listened to inner voices, and let them speak from time to time, the sound was too discordant, but now it's like living a Mozart, or Bach, dream. Everything is in perfect harmony.

[TAG]

Why did you feel you had to tell her is my question?
Telling people something they may not want to hear.

[Judy-Somthing]

I love the way you put it "'Imagine that every day, you have to dress up in a dog costume".

Let's face it, it seems like the people who hide who they are appear to get along with most people.
Who knows what they're really thinking?

If you don't say or due as the majority of people consider the norm, You will be judged.

Four years ago I felt my wife and I were closer than ever before, So I told her my secret, she was sickened.

[Heather76]

That explanation could only work for a trans, Lexi. It's not that easy for a CD to explain what we do and why. I can't say I'm more "comfortable" dressed and presenting as a woman than as a man.

It's just a lot more exciting, arousing, and just plain fun!

And therein lies the difficulty. For myself it is not arousing, fun, or particularly exciting. It is, however, 100% comfortable, satisfying, and calming. My guess is the wide range of feelings/emotions that CDers associate with CDing is what makes it difficult to explain.

[Maria 60]

When ever there is a discussion about crossdressing and someone doesn't understand why people do it. I explain that someone just doesn't wake up one morning and decide they want to put on a dress. Its in us and it runs in our blood. People seem to agree that my explanation makes sense.

[Kitty Sue]

Hi sometimes_miss That may work. I certainly hope it does for you and your cousin. It's as good as any I have come across. No matter what happens kudos for trying.

[SaraLin]

Lexi,

I get what you're trying to convey with your dog-costume analogy, but I'm afraid that the typical "muggle" reaction will be something like:

"But you're NOT a dog."
"You ARE a man."

For many, their reasoning stops there.

[Patience]

I dunno. It seems unnecessarily elaborate and while dogs are fine pets, the comparison is hardly flattering.

In these situations, I feel one is better served by telling the plain and simple, unembroidered truth. That way, if they misunderstand, it's not your fault.

[Joanne108]

I told my wife that I love seeing how I look when I am finished dressing.
Seeing that pretty woman in the mirror and knowing that it is me is why I do it!

[docrobbysherry]

Best answer I've read so far, Ursula.

Including my long winded one!

[Ursula Harrison]

Thank you Sherry!
But I thought your answer of arousing, exciting and fun was pretty good!

[GretchenM]

Lexi, I like your analogy and it does seem to fit you and your situation. That is probably why you came up with it.

Using an analogy that fits you can really help another person's understanding. But like yours, it needs to be carefully crafted to also fit the way the other person is thinking and conceptualizing their image of the character. That is one of the reasons why so many great writers use analogy extensively in helping the reader to connect with the concepts in the writing that the author is trying to convey to the reader. The creator of the analogy creates an analogy that can be visualized and imagined so they can better understand what is going on in the story line or author's subject. You have done a fine job and it is a good example of how this can be applied even though the exact analogy used may vary from person to person and subject to subject. Great example and thanks for sharing it.

[DianeT]

I have tried with my wife, but it's hard to explain why we dress, it's like a cat explaining to a fish why it's important to make hairballs. No common references. But the greater mystery to solve in the grand scheme of things and since the universe was the universe, is why all the other guys out there were never curious enough to try pantyhose. I mean, dudes, seriously.

[Megan b]

I have told some of close family members and friends about my cding but I don't know if I really want them to be able to understand because I think the only way to really understand is to be a cd similar to me and while have come to enjoy and love this side of me , I would not wish this on anyone. Just my thoughts. Hope everything works out well with you and your cousin.

[Veronica Lacey]

OK...Diane T's comment just made me laugh: "it's like a cat explaining to a fish why it's important to make hairballs". That's awesome!

When I disclosed to my wife shortly after we met it was the beginning of many discussions over the years. Ultimately I chose to ask her to explain the following:
Why do you like chocolate?
Why do you wear skirts, blouses, dresses, lingerie, heels as well as t-shirts, jeans, runners and the like?

She knew she enjoyed chocolate but honestly could not recall why; she just does. In wearing whatever she chose to wear it was because she was brought up to wear the traditionally female items (sounds like gender socialization) but wore more non-traditional garments because she could and that they were more comfortable sometimes.

I shared with her that I felt similar. I have always liked chocolate as well but had no idea why; my taste buds just like it. With dressing in femme attire my origins were that I was attracted to some dresses my mother wore - the fabrics, the styles, the colours and patterns. For whatever unknown reasons I liked them more than the drab brown suits, shorts and pants that boys and men were to wear. Maybe satin and nylon felt nicer than scratchy polyester? As a young teen I more or less unintentionally began socializing myself to feel that wearing lingerie and other femme items was normal and ok behind closed doors. I also found many items simply more comforting and visually appealing to me.

In the end there have been no Dalai Lama moments of serene wisdom from my lips but merely a call to accept that some things just are and that they do not require some intricate weaving of events and details to create a Rod Serling moment of epiphany and incredulity. Sometimes the reasons are just mundane and boring yet we may immediately exclude them for something more sensational.

To this day my wife does not ask any more the "why". She understands it in her own way and accepts it for the most part, and understanding which I gratefully accept.