Hard NO from the wife

[RoxieChristine]

Well I've not brought up dressing with the wife. I expected a very negative response based on how she has reacted to a friend's son who transitioned. Interesting thing is she is accepting of gays although she doesn't like it. I've tried to feel her out some with some jokes and she has seemed fine with that. She recently was playing on her phone and used one of those change your sex picture apps. She looked alot like our son in it. I jokingly said use my picture , bet I look like my daughter (everyone thinks she looks alot like me poor kid). Her response, I married a man not a woman.
It just seemed so negative given the situation. Don't see that conversation happening after this. Oh well.
Roxie

[Kitty Sue]

Hi Roxie. I do not get the impression she would be open to you cross dressing either. However, who knows what the future holds. Perhaps in time your wife will see that although you cross dress you are still a man. No matter what, I am glad you are here with us.

[Kris Burton]

Do you think it is possible she may already know, or at least suspect, and is effectively creating her own DADT?

[NancyJ]

I have never been a fan of these making jokes, dropping hints, or beating around the bush strategies. You can make up in your own mind what is in your wife’s head all day long for years on end, but you will never know unless you ask. And, of course, like many or most of us, you can remain her man in many ways including in bed even if you wear panties and other female clothing sometimes. I doubt that you would be asking to go full time or transition.

To be frank, I think you are making excuses. To use an old basketball metaphor, you miss one hundred percent of the shots that you don’t take. It takes courage to be honest. If she says no, you are in the same place you are now except she knows you are honest unless you are trying to preserve your ability to sneak behind her back (and that is not good for either of you and high risk to blow up some day). Nancy

[docrobbysherry]

I seems like you're asking us? But, how would we know your wife better than u? Why r u afraid to simply discuss it with her?

Don't wimp out! That's not fair to either of u. If u want to know what she thinks, ask her. And, don't be afraid to tell her what you're thinking.

Marriages where partners don't communicate don't last!

[Aunt Kelly]

Judging by the raft of similar stories here, yours is a very common situation, Roxie. Here's hoping that you're able to live with your secret, and that it remains a secret.

Also, here's hoping that others take the lesson here and accept who they are and share that with their partners early on in their relationship so that this kind of conflict can be avoided. I get it. It's a large and difficult step to take, but most would be better off having made it, instead of carrying on a deception for years, risking all they have invested in said relationship.

[JohnH]

Maybe if you would ditch your feminine name and go with your real name your wife might be more accepting.

[Crissy 107]

I think Nancy J makes some very good points and it may be time to figure a way to have the talk. I feel a DADT is better than being in the closet.
That said, only you know your wife. Good luck!

[Di]

Judging by the raft of similar stories here, yours is a very common situation, Roxie. Here's hoping that you're able to live with your secret, and that it remains a secret.

Also, here's hoping that others take the lesson here and accept who they are and share that with their partners early on in their relationship so that this kind of conflict can be avoided. I get it. It's a large and difficult step to take, but most would be better off having made it, instead of carrying on a deception for years, risking all they have invested in said relationship.

The above a thousand times.
For those starting out in a new relationship do not let this happen be upfront .instead of a life time of secrets and not being yourself.
If and when she finds out be honest and also please no more jokes and such. She will remember the games and fishing expedition .
Makes me sad so many cannot talk or be open?..yes it is hard but best to know upfront .
I was not going to say anything as there are many for different reasons were not upfront and I do decide to say something not against you but for all those reading here that are starting out . It?s not going away, be proud of yourself.

[Karren H]

Sorry to hear that girlfriend! But way better to know ahead of time than to find out after the cat is out of the bag! Now go find a better place to hide the bag!

[Geena75]

I know the feeling. Once in a great while I find some "test balloon" to float her way on the gender issue. Her reaction of disgust tells me it would not be a good time to come out about my "peculiar pastime." Still, I am coming to the realization that at some point I will need to open up to her, and be ready to let the chips fall where they may.

[char GG]

I am all for being truthful, do not make jokes, and then assume things. If CDing is important to you (since you are here, I assume it is), then you owe it to yourself and your wife to get an honest answer as it pertains to you.

[MarinaTwelve200]

When the Gay/Trans subjects come up in general conversation why don't you ask what she thinks about cross-dressers? At the very least you will get to know if she actually knows what (straight) Crossdressers are or is she confusing us with Gays and trans people---an entirely different game. If the latter, you can smile and act surprised and use the occasion to educate her on the difference. you don't have to tell her about yourself. Not then anyway. It's MY theory that most wives who get upset about her husband possibly crossdressing, likely are confusing it with being gay or trans, which would indeed upset most wives if they didn't know the difference.----- Of course there is also the possibility she does know the difference and considers it a "sexual Kink" or "Perversion" ---Not as "Bad" or "Serious" as the others, but still "distasteful" to her.-----In any event, you will have an understanding of her position and have a better idea on how to handle the situation.

[GinaM]

I don't know if I agree with this. I never told my ex wife about it and snuck around for many many years. She never knew and we were together for 16 years. Some of those years I never dressed or anything and other years it was 4+ days per week. I think she would have flipped out and I don't know if I could have handled that. Fast forward to now, and my current fiance knows all about it and is super supportive of it. I haven't dressed per se around her but I did wear nylons, thong, and garter belt under my jeans when we went to a strip club. She is cool with me painting my toenails and she knows when she's working late I typically dressed and I will send her some pics. I'm not sure if risking your marriage over this is worth the risk.

I am all for being truthful, do not make jokes, and then assume things. If CDing is important to you (since you are here, I assume it is), then you owe it to yourself and your wife to get an honest answer as it pertains to you.

[Maria 60]

Your in a tough situation for sure, its like a toss of the dice. If it gives you any positive I married a traditional Europen women. When I told her two weeks back from our honeymoon I was prepared for her to go crying back to her mother but I felt like it was better she heard it from me because I knew I was going to start collecting a stash. I told her from the first time I put on my sisters cloth till that same morning that I put on her pantyhose and I told her if she wanted to leave I would totally understand. She asked me the 3 questions that every other women asks and then she said she wanted to see where this was going and she didn't want me wearing her things. We went out that same night and she bought me some fem things. I don't know what to tell you because only you know your wife but let me tell you that big chance I took over 30 years ago was like taking a building off my shoulders.

[Brianne_M]

I told my wife of 18 years that I was a crossdresser shortly after we met and before we got married. Im glad I did. My avatar pic is when I dressed as a cheerleader for Halloween and she did my makeup and hair (it was natural then), and then there was many years where I didn't do much. Fast-forward to 2020 with Covid and then it kicked in high gear. I started a new job and have since been promoted twice and received several raises. My wardrobe has expanded exponentially, and it would not have been possible I think had I not mentioned it at the start.

Being open about it at the beginning is very important.

[Maid_Marion]

I also told my wife before we got married. We later had a talk in which ground rules were set.

[RoxieChristine]

Well I just had to vent, why I posted it. We have been together 23 years and this really just kicked in 6 months ago. I wish so much I had realized this about myself before we married. She seemed more open when we married, but has closed down alot since. I love her and really wish the two could coexist. I was afraid they wouldn't which is why I've "beat around the bush" to feel her out.
I'm of the mind that if I have to chose one or the other it will be her. I've been in a place in life where I've been able to indulge away from her, but job changes are such that isn?t the case now. Can I repress this part of me? Yes I can. I'm a very private person and no one really knows all about me, even her. My life has been like that as long as I can remember. Different people know specific parts of my life and she knows more than most, but not all. My actual time as who I want to be may be cut extremely short or even stop, but what goes through my mind will remain the same.
No one here really knows me, but I feel a kinship here. That is the main reason I chose to express this here. Also, there have been many with positive experiences lately. Unfortunately that would not be the case for me and I feel it important to present all sides of this question. Talking things out are important and this forum is a good place for that. Life isn't always what we want and that just happens to be the case for me. I still have the same desires and feelings, I just recognize now that my hopes for that life will not be obtainable, kinda like I want to be fit and 80 pounds lighter right now. Unfortunately that won't happen in my near future. Took me a year to drop 22 pounds so maybe in 4 more years? Yes I've rambled and may not have made sense to some, but as I said when I got here, I'm still working this all out in my head, and this just gives a glimpse of how tangled it is up there 😉
Roxie

[Heather76]

Roxie, if it's of any help, I'll give you my experience as your journey into CDing and my journey are somewhat similar. My wife and I will have been married 39 years in January. I didn't start CDing until 2 1/2 years ago. Yes, we had been married 36 1/2 years before I started CDing. in June 2020. At the time, all I was doing was wearing panties. The reason she didn't notice a lack of male underwear in the dirty laundry was because I had been going commando for quite a while. I washed my panties by hand so she was simply unaware. Just before Thanksgiving in 2020, I decided it was time to have "the talk." When I told her I had been wearing panties, her only comment was, "Why did you think I needed to know that?" I simply told her I didn't feel good keeping secrets from her. She made it clear she didn't want to see my panties. Fine. I know my wife pretty damn well and knew I had to take things slowly. I happened to have ordered a year or so before a couple of golf shirts that were delivered in the wrong size. I ordered XL size. They came in Tall XL size. At 5'8" they hung almost to my knees. I had been wearing them in the evenings when we watched TV for a long time. My wife referred to them as my dresses. Well, she really couldn't see my panties under them unless, of course, I moved the wrong way. You can be sure I made certain she saw them from time to time.

Because we sleep in a king bed and retire and awaken at different times, I decided (about a year later in the summer of 2021) to wear a nightie, thigh highs, and my panties to bed. Well, one night I must have kicked the sheet off me as she made it known she didn't want to see me in bed like that again. Later, in August of 2021, I spent a month alone at our winter home. During that time, I bought my first bras and expanded my lingerie wardrobe a bit more. I dressed every day while off by myself. When I returned to our summer home in early September, I simply told her I understood she didn't like to see me in women's clothing; but, I really enjoy wearing these things and would like to be able to wear them around the house. She accepted that with the understanding none of our family or friends are to ever know about my CDing. She basically said it's as much my house as it is hers and I should be able to do what I want within my house. I'm fine with that as I've no idea which ones would be accepting and which ones wouldn't be. I suspect most all family members would be accepting (but still thinking I'd lost my mind) and most friends would not be accepting.

Anyway, I'm now 2 1/2 years into this and dress freely around the house. It is a rare evening that I haven't changed into bra, forms, dress or top, and thigh highs after dinner. With only one night's exception (I was somewhat ill), I have gone to bed every night in 2022 wearing a bra, forms, stockings, and a nightie. (Lace panties 24/7 are a given.) I have been out dressed on several occasions. She knows about them and so long as I'm well away from where we live, she's okay with it. She knows I often times wear a bralette and forms when I'm away from home. I've told her I remove the forms before going into retail stores; but, I have them in place when driving. I generally only wear a bralette, or bra, when it's cool enough out that I'll also be wearing a jacket or windbreaker in order to prevent bra straps from showing.

The fact I told her early on was based on a fear of being found out. It's a tough conversation to initiate. Based upon your wife's reaction and the strength of your marriage, only you will know how to proceed. I know many here would not advise the route I took of letting her see my femme items little by little "by accident." There were times I simply left my suspender fishnets hanging on the bathroom door clothes hook by my robe. I felt it was a way of letting her know what I was doing without making her uncomfortable with a conversation she doesn't care to have. Oh, we talk about my CDing from time to time; but, not often. She has told me she doesn't want to shop with me for my femme clothing. I've not pushed her to do but have asked on 2 or 3 occasions. If I don't ask from time to time, she can never say yes. I use the closet in our guest bedroom to hang my wardrobe in. When we have company, I move it all next to her clothing in our master bedroom closet. She has come to accept my CDing and I don't believe it will ever be an issue so long as our family and friends are not made aware.

Be aware, the 3 things she did ask were: Do I want to transition, am I interested in men, and am I leading a secret life? NO is the answer to all those questions and I fully understand why she asked them.

[DianeT]

To paraphrase a wise little green fellow :
- Tell. Or don't tell. There is no trying.

Testing the waters, why not. But know that your wife's reaction to your crossdressing may be very different from her reaction to others' crossdressing (hey, she isn't intimate with them, is she?).

But dropping hints in the hope that she will have an epiphany about it, forget it. It simply doesn't work. Testimonies to that abound here.

[Stephanie47]

Do you think it is possible she may already know, or at least suspect, and is effectively creating her own DADT?

Some think wives walk around with their eyes shut and do not notice anything. I suspect Roxie's wife got the perfect opportunity to shoot the idea down without addressing the issue. When my wife and I had "The Talk" she said "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" End of discussion, circa mid 1980's, although she did say, if I wanted to join a support group that was fine with her. Enter, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." After fifty years of marriage my wife know who I am, and, what I am not.

[Betty70]

My opinion is: limit yourself to such an extent that your wife is not forced to look or find out about your need to dress up.
Of course, it can be argued that in a relationship she needs to match, take but also give.
In this case, since you didn't reveal anything before the wedding - you match.
You don't have to have everything, change your clothes when your wife is not at home.

If it's difficult for you and you feel hurt by the limitations you face, imagine that your wife finds that her vocation is really the life of a bearded lumberjack.
She begins to act like a bearded lumberjack, dresses like a bearded lumberjack and such a character accompanies you when you meet friends.

I, of my inclinations, was already aware at school. Before I got married, I sought an opinion from the Catholic Marriage Counseling Center, an opinion as to whether it was an obstacle to a Catholic marriage.
Any way you look at it, this is a fairly conservative institution.
I learned that it doesn't.
The psychologist then told me that people have the most incredible fantasies and needs, and it's important to control them so that they don't hurt either others or themselves.

[Di]

Roxie
Thanks for explaining further.
My reply was just aimed at those reading to tell and work out before so they do not end up where you are now.
Back to you I am glad you found kinship here. There are many going through what you are.
I am glad you are posting to work things out in your head as there are many that can help.

[GretchenM]

Well, I really think you need to find a way to be honest with her. I was closeted for 45 years in our marriage and that repression had many negative effects on me during that time. The dishonesty and lack of trust in her love just could not continue and for my own good I had to come out of the closet and be honest, even if it meant an end. It didn't. That was 10 years ago. It was bumpy for a couple of years, but we established boundaries early on and I stuck to them and so did she. In time though, she began to see that it was not simply crossdressing and it was the outward appearance of a deeper female-like identity that I had and have. For me, dressing is just the outward expression of an inner presence. Perhaps you need to search that aspect within you and see if there isn't something more fundamental to your desire.

One thing I did early on after coming out was to go to a therapist. Not to have it fixed but to understand more about what was going on inside myself. My wife supported that and even went to a therapist that helps people who are family and friends to transgender people or people who at least seem to be transgender in some way. Don't be afraid to take on that identity if it is actually there, but that is often something that you need a professional's help identifying.

Don't just blurt out that you are a "crossdresser" and that is all there is to it. You need to at least have a strong suspicion and some evidence that it goes deeper before declaring what you are. Be sensitive to her reactions and always be gentle. Forcing her to accept that you are a man who has good deal of female-like gender traits and characteristics will never work. Do some reading on transgenderism and its different forms before you make a move to [B]gently[B] reveal the truth. Of course there is a possibility she will just reject it and that is that. But at least the truth will be out and then adjustments in your life can be made on her perspective. But always focus on making it a process of seeking a middle ground of some kind. The fact that it just kicked in 6 months ago is a significant factor. If, in fact, you didn't sense this ages ago and were keeping it private (hiding it) can be significant. You may be one of those where that female-like identity in your total identity kicks in late in life. If this is a predisposition that was dormant for so long that is a major consideration - people do change in various ways and this is one change that can just happen. If so, what was the trigger?

[alwayshave]

Roxie, I'm very sorry that your reveal didn't go well. I can only hope that in time your wife comes around. The good part is, if she finds a female article of clothing around the house, she will not misinterpret it.