Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 26 to 36 of 36

Thread: Hard NO from the wife

  1. #26
    Senior Member Debbie Denier's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2021
    Location
    Merseyside UK
    Posts
    1,573
    Hi Roxie. Sorry that things havent worked out they way you wanted them to. My wife was hysterical when she found out. The choice was stop get rid or marriage over. I chose to keep the marriage. For every story of acceptance. There are many told and untold for non acceptance. I looked at the consequences and thought dressing whenever I wanted but living alone was not for me.

  2. #27
    Aspiring Member jacques's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    East Yorkshire UK
    Posts
    922
    hello Roxie Christine,
    it perhaps depends on how femme you wish to be when you dress? Would you be happy wearing less feminine women's clothes, like jeans and tee shirts and what your wife think of that?
    How often do you wish to dress is it just occasionally?
    My wife married a man and she still calls me her "big boy" when I wear a dress!
    luv J

  3. #28
    Life is more fun in heels Genifer Teal's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    2,449
    Probably too late now sometimes you just got to double down in the moment and respond with what are you afraid of I might like it? Maybe not they might like it part but keep the conversation going a tiny bit further. If you bring it up now it'll be too much. Good luck with that. Sorry

  4. #29
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    The state of flux, U.S.A.
    Posts
    7,212
    Okay. There are several things about this, that must be addressed.
    First, your wife is likely in the 3%; those women who are okay with anyone else being gay or TS, but definitely NOT her SO. This usually comes down to evolution; what women are turned on by, but more important, what turns them off sexually. I think that the vast majority of women are completely turned off by a feminine man. No, not all; the vast majority. It's an innate response, to the subtle feeling that he might not be the 'all male, all masculine, protective' mate that will increase the likelihood that both she and her offspring will survive an attack (physical, financial, psychological or otherwise), that he will be more likely to step up and protect her. So I can understand if the sexual attraction just drops off a cliff into an abyss for these women when they suddenly have to deal with a mate who isn't exactly what she thought he was.
    Now, we have to deal with the 'finding out too late' effects.
    Plenty of people get blessed by the bliss of ignorance. Tens of millions of women deal just fine, not knowing what their husbands are thinking, or have done in the past. We've all heard stories of some woman in her 60's suddenly divorcing her husband of 40 years, after finding out that he had an affair when he was 25. 'He's not the man I though he was!' we hear; she feels like people have been laughing at her all this time because he 'got away with' something that would have changed how she felt about him. And so we are there. Decades of being happily married, potentially going down the tubes, because we suddenly can't stand pretending to be 'mr normal guy' anymore.
    So why ruin her life? Why insist on coming out? Do we have to do this? Why is 'honesty is the best policy' always the right answer? How many other crossdressers managed to hide it from the rest of the world, all their lives, and let their wife and family and friends, all enjoy his company for 50 years or more?
    Yes, you might get found out. But you may not, either. Only you can determine how much cognitive dissonance you can tolerate, with a male body and having something in your mind that tells you you're in the wrong clothes unless you are 'en femme'.
    Don't fall prey to all those who have taken different paths, and insist that they are on the 'high road' because they are being honest, even if their honesty destroys the lives of everyone around them.
    Choose carefully. Not all of us knew before marriage, that the crossdressing genie was going to come back with a vengeance and bite us on the butt, and we shouldn't be treated like criminals after that fact.
    We have to choose carefully, to take gentle care of ourselves, as well as the lives of our families.
    Think before you leap. Always.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  5. #30
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    2,756
    sometimes_miss summed it up pretty well.

    We get a lot of blame for not telling early (BTW, mine knew when we first started dating. At least all I knew. Still didn't work out). I think the overriding thought for many of us is that we will build up a cache of good will and good deeds and proving we're all the man we're supposed to be, and that cache is so large it can't be bankrupted by this. Sometimes that's correct. Often it's not. Often it eclipses everything. You probably have a pretty good idea of how this is going to go.

    I despise the selfishness displayed by some of our sisters, and I've been pretty vocal about it. At the same time, the intolerance of some SOs is sometimes just as selfish family-destroying. I don't know the secret recipe for coming to a workable compromise. Start off with two people who truly love each other and I think there's plenty of room for both to be happy. If there's a flaw there, though, this will reveal it. In my case, I pushed things far enough for long enough that what started off as immense love dwindled in small increments over a long period of time until there was nothing left. I still loved her as much as ever, but she was totally done with me. In a relatively clean mirror, I get it.

    Sounds like you're doomed to having the secret stash so many on here are familiar with, and loading it all up for a hotel room dressing session whenever you can escape, probably on a business trip. I thankfully never had to live like that, and I feel for those who do. For those not so afflicted it's impossible to understand that there is an element of true NEED in this. That doesn't mean you can't live without it. I believe you can. But it throws something else out of kilter when you do. It sounds ridiculous even to me to couch it as a "need". I need to let my hair grow out, I need to wear panties, I need to shave my legs, and so on. It is incomprehensible how things like that even approach the level of a need. "Want", that's easy and maybe understandable. I've been through psychological counseling and a shit ton of self analysis and I'll tell you that I have no idea how or why some of this stuff takes on the importance that it does, I just know it does. A lot of wives and SOs think it's perverted. That makes you a pervert.

    Another thing. We frequently have the discussion on this board of what is a crossdresser, trans, etc. and even on this board we don't agree. So, if you come out to your wife, "Honey, I need to be honest with you, I'm a _____ (fill in your favorite term) and I have been all my life." Just exactly what have you come out as. You're trying to compress every nuance of your personal being (that you don't even understand or know the extent of) into one or a few words and also explain it in a way that she'll so thoroughly and completely understand it that, given a little time to ruminate on it, you'll both live happily ever after. THAT is impossible. Once you have "the talk", it'll be something akin to the Big Bang Theory. It is laughable to me that anyone thinks they can simplify and explain any of this in one word, one paragraph, one post on a crossdresser's forum, or one doctoral thesis. It cannot be done. All you can do is set off a lifetime of further explanation, and still not explain it. The lucky ones at least get a lifetime of further explanation.

    Stepping down from the soap box. Good luck!

  6. #31
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Orange County, Calif.
    Posts
    24,843
    Roxie, I was married, now divorced. My main concern is that u r afraid to discuss this with her. Do u think she'll divorce u simply for talking about this?

    Marriage is supposed to be a partnership which requires constant adjustments and compromise. If u can't even discuss issues that r important to u? Your "partnership" mite already be over!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  7. #32
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    Metro East area near St. Louis, Missouri
    Posts
    1,764
    Roxie,

    My two cents.

    1. When people ask me something where they know the answer I will often say "do you want the one word answer or the two word answer?" (No or "eff" no).

    Sounds like you're getting the two word answer, based on your perception of your wife's reaction.

    2. Sounds like to me you've had the desires all along but early on you went with the "when we're married this will all go away." Only it doesn't.

    3. I believe, like Dan Savage says, that people in marriages have the right to keep certain things private. If you think your disclosure would threaten your marriage, I believe you definitely have the right to not tell her. I have met several who have never told their wives, and neither were spring chickens ( FWIW, my wife knows and has known since almost day one).

    4. I would suggest you might consider counseling, for two reasons. One, is to help you deal with your emotions regarding this, and things like the possible guilt of not telling her, or how you can deal with this if you don't have the opportunity to dress. Second, perhaps working with a counselor you can develop a strategy with them how to disclose to your wife (if you choose to do so). These days, you can likely find a counselor online who deals with gender issues, so your choices are not limited to your geographical area.

    5. If you disclose, I suggest words like "I like to wear women's clothes" as opposed to "I'm a crossdresser", because to some the label crossdresser may have negative connotations.


    P.S. Not to you, but to address another poster, the idea that a set percentage of wives fit into a certain category is complete and utter B.S., because no such statistics exist, and is an insult to the GG/wives who participate on these boards.
    I'm Sun-Dee at Kandi's Land; read about my outings here:

    https://www.kandis-land.com/author/dee/

  8. #33
    Member GinaM's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    439
    My fiance and I were at a Halloween Party this year and waiting in line for the bathroom a CDer was behind us. She sparked a conversation with my fiance about how beautiful she was and we all got talking. I was not dressed as a woman. She was saying how the wife knew about this side but never approved at all. After a near death experience that all changed. She basically decided that this was the life that was important and the wife would have to be OK with it or risk divorce. She said now the wife understands this side more and allows for girl time but not together. When I was on here years ago everyone was for telling their SO about this side of them but I was always more cautious. I've read many stories about how their wives were OK and others that ended in divorce. Pick your battles carefully.

  9. #34
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    2,756
    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    Roxie, I was married, now divorced. My main concern is that u r afraid to discuss this with her. Do u think she'll divorce u simply for talking about this?

    Marriage is supposed to be a partnership which requires constant adjustments and compromise. If u can't even discuss issues that r important to u? Your "partnership" mite already be over!
    Doc, with all due respect... You can't unring the bell. If Roxie talks about it and gets the negative reaction she expects, she'll live under a cloud of suspicion for the rest of her life. Probably won't result in divorce immediately, but the seed will be planted.

    The collective wisdom on this board on this specific subject is probably greater than anywhere else on the planet and we, collectively or individually, don't know how to navigate it. Lots of stories about what not to do. Some where it worked out perfectly. There is great diversity in a womans capacity to accept. The title of the post says "Hard No". Likely it means exactly that.

  10. #35
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    1,764
    Roxie,

    Of course you're getting lots of advice all over the spectrum. There's no 'right' answer, just the answer that works for you. It might be right, it might not be, but it's your journey.

    I would like to add on one piece of advice; if you're not going to tell your wife, the please leave a note with your stash (or stashes) of clothes explaining what it all means. There's a fair chance your wife will out live you. Sometimes we have an idea when we might die, sometimes we don't. If you don't, and your wife finds your stash(es) after you pass, she'll be left with enormous questions that will forever more have no answer. "Did he cheat? Are these tokens of conquests? Are these his? What the hell?" I don't think of that as being very fair to her.

  11. #36
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Orange County, Calif.
    Posts
    24,843
    Rhonda Jean, I don't pretend to have all the answers and I do agree there r some things u shouldn't tell your spouse.

    But, u make it sound like trying on women's clothes ranks with porn addiction, armed robbery, or smuggling/selling crack! In my experience, any couple who can't discuss something they feel is important? Has significant communication issues!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State