I buy, I purge, I buy, I purge....

[AmyH]

Hello,
My first time posting in a while, hard to believe that I have been on this site for almost 19 YEARS; not many of us can say that. I have been a closeted cross-dresser most of my life. I remember being 6 or 7 and my sister "making" me wear some of her dance leotards and tights; safe to say have been hooked ever since. Over the years I built up quit a collection of clothes, never have I gone out in public dressed. When I met my current wife, we have been together 15 years and married for 13; I purged all of my clothes and shoes, thinking I could suppress the urge to dress. Within a short period of time, I was in her closet trying on anything that would remotely fit me. I soon bought my own tights and shoes to wear, without her knowledge. I was able to hid them, but one day she was looking for something random and found where I was hiding my shoes. I told her about my past cross-dressing; that it is was nothing sexual, I just like to wear women's clothing. A few heated discussions later, she did forgive me but made me promise that I would not do it again. Well I did keep my promise, for several months, but I had those feelings again. So I bought again. I would wear a few times, feel ashamed, and purge my items; this has gone on now for many years. At Christmas, I was able to find a pair of shoes that actually fit, and nice skirt, top, and some shape wear - the problem is that I have only worn them once and now I am wanting to get rid of them. I do not want to keep throwing money away. I know I not dare bring up me cross-dressing again.

[kimdl93]

This is a tough situation to be in. Tough for your wife because she probably thinks she fixed the problem with an ultimatum, and tough for you because if you keep these items, you know sooner or later she will stumble upon your current stash. Wish I had an answer.

[char GG]

It's easy for me to say, but - my opinion is that you need to have an honest conversation with your wife. Explain that your feelings will never go away and you don't want to continue the cycle of buying, hiding, purging, buying... Hopefully, you may come to some sort of agreement of where you can keep your clothes. Don't make promises that you can't or won't keep (you already know that you are going to continue the cycle and your promises are empty).

If you continue down your current path, you may find that you won't have to worry about your wife because she may exit this entire situation (marriage). Women are not stupid. Since she knows that you are prone to this proclivity, she may be on the lookout for more of the same behaviors.

Do Not get into her clothes, that is a sure way to alienate her.

[Laura912]

Read what Char said three times. Walk away, then come back and read it again. Believe her. Stop looking for an answer that will get you off the hook. Talk to your wife. Tell her what this beast that rides around on our shoulders is like. You might be surprised at her reaction, hopefully for the better.

[Genifer Teal]

Since the dawn of the internet I learned about the Binge Purge cycle and never to do it. Not saying I'm any smarter. Just saying it's all too common and never changes. No matter what you think. Can't imagine having a wife to be included in the thought process. Easy to say no until the alternative is divorce. Hope you find the right answers.

[Charly52]

I do have a clear out occasionally but I really don?t like throwing out clothes or makeup!!

[Betty70]

I am struggling with the same problem.
The truth is sad:
if you manage to brake - you will suffer,
if you tell your wife, she will suffer.

Honesty in this case shifts the burden to the shoulders of the other person.

There is also the risk that once she knows, you will lose your brakes, providing your wife with more and more sensations.
I don't believe women dream of having a cross-dresser husband.

Well, what to do about it?
I'd like to know, too.

[docrobbysherry]

Amy, where do u live? If nearby, I'd be happy to come by once a month and save u the trouble of driving somewhere to dispose of your hardly worn gear!

[JulieC]

I concur with Laura; read what Char GG said over and over again.

STOP making the promise that you won't do it again. Crossdressing is who you are. Promising you won't crossdress is equivalent to you promising you won't have chromosomes. It doesn't work. There are countless stories here of crossdressers who tried and failed to suppress these urges. You could assume there's confirmation bias here; only the people still on the forum are unable to suppress the urges. The ones who were successful aren't here. Except, that doesn't work either. Try searching the net for success stories of people who have successfully purged and suppressed the urge to crossdress more than 10 years. I'll save you the time. Those stories aren't out there. You are a crossdresser. Purging is wasteful. Suppressing is harmful.

Now, MANAGING is another thing entirely. Lots of crossdressers here have Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) marriages. Lots have wives who know, but don't want to see. You can fit into one of those paradigms and manage this so that both of you are happy about the outcome. An honest, open, non-critical conversation with your wife (from you and her) can dramatically help work through this. You can also go to counseling together as well if both of you are willing. Know this though; you don't stop being a crossdresser by going to counseling. Going to counseling is helpful for how to manage your relationship with the presence of crossdressing in your lives. Perhaps you can get to a DADT agreement, or accepting but don't want to see arrangement. Something.

The status quo is not going to work. All it will do is make your relationship worse.

Let us know how it goes, feel free to ask us questions, and bon chance!

[Di]

I concur with Laura; read what Char GG said over and over again.

STOP making the promise that you won't do it again. Crossdressing is who you are. Promising you won't crossdress is equivalent to you promising you won't have chromosomes. It doesn't work. There are countless stories here of crossdressers who tried and failed to suppress these urges. You could assume there's confirmation bias here; only the people still on the forum are unable to suppress the urges. The ones who were successful aren't here. Except, that doesn't work either. Try searching the net for success stories of people who have successfully purged and suppressed the urge to crossdress more than 10 years. I'll save you the time. Those stories aren't out there. You are a crossdresser. Purging is wasteful. Suppressing is harmful.



The status quo is not going to work. All it will do is make your relationship worse.
!

Agree with the above STOP with the empty promises.
It will not stop for long ?.it ever ever does.
Be Honest!
You should have from the beginning.
This kind of behavior is what most GGs get so they d not trust you ever again.
I would say I meant it and tried but basically itisa part of you?.she can come here and read and see the truth.
It does not have to be that big a deal.
It?s hard to be honest but trust me a lot harder later when they think you can not be trusted.
Get understanding from the beginning?.see a counselor. If you are not capable of explaining and getting her understanding.

[DianeT]

AmyH, you told your wife it was nothing sexual, but a trip to your TG blog tells a different story, so were you really honest in your conversations with her?
The way you describe your dressing, it seems a very compulsive thing, I don't see how you can promise to not do it again.
As for borrowing intimate stuff from your wife, I'll just say that my coming out would have much less traumatized my wife if I hadn't done the same.

[Deborah2B]

Amy,

This may be a little long but please read it entirely. I truly understand what you are dealing with as far as your crossdressing. I have been crossdressing in some way since childhood. I have thought time and time again that I could stop doing it all together and never do it again. I was very wrong about that.

My wife has caught me many times over the years. I am now over 60 years old. Each time my wife caught me doing it I thought I could stop. I purged everything I had that was related to crossdressing. Eventually I went back to doing it again. I continued to lie to my wife about it.

I finally realized after too many years that this is a part of me that is not going away. In doing this I stopped lying to myself. More importantly I stopped lying to my wife. I finally found a way to try to explain all of this to my wife.

We have had a lot of conversations on the subject. We are still dealing with it and working through it. She has accepted that this is a part of me that is not going away. True honest conversation was a big help for us in dealing with this subject. She is the only person in our families that knows and we plan on keeping it that way.

You need to find a way to explain to your wife that this is a part of you. Stop lying to yourself and more importantly to your wife. I cannot tell you exactly what to say because we are all different people. Maybe write yourself some notes to help you remember what you want to say. Your wife may have some of the same concerns that my wife had.

Though our conversations I explained that I am not gay, I do not do it for sexual gratification, and I do not want to become a woman through hormones or SRS. I was finally able to explain that I want to dress up once in a while, like once or twice a month. I am very happy being her guy and will always be her guy. I try to make sure my crossdressing does not interfere with our time together or our time with other family and friends.

You might be surprised what good can happen with good honest conversation. We have gotten to the point that my wife has actually bought me items that I use while crossdressing. She does not want to see me dressed and I respect that. She has even offered to go watch TV in our bedroom so I can have free rein of the house to dress as I want. I thank her for the offer, but I do not take her up on that offer because I do not want it to interfere with our time with each other.

[Heather76]

After reading Char's response, I read no further. I agree with Laura. Read and reread Char's advice and heed it.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Char is probably right. It's probably best, but no one really knows how your wile will react.

The alternative is to get a storage locker. I have one, but it's quite overfilled, and it overfilled into my house. At least around here, it can be done on a cash basis. Every month I bring cash over to pay my monthly fee.

My storage locker is in a climate controlled building. At one time, there was enough extra space that I could go over and try a few things on, take them off and come back relaxed. But I rarely dared to do it.

[Kitty Sue]

AmyH, you told your wife it was nothing sexual, but a trip to your TG blog tells a different story, so were you really honest in your conversations with her?
The way you describe your dressing, it seems a very compulsive thing, I don't see how you can promise to not do it again.
As for borrowing intimate stuff from your wife, I'll just say that my coming out would have much less traumatized my wife if I hadn't done the same.

I agree. The blog is indeed sexual in nature from what I can gather. AmyH your wife deserves to know IMO. I told mine and was glad I did.

[GaleWarning]

1. Char is correct - you need to talk with your wife.
2. Please don't purge again. Just lock your stuff away. Mine is in a suitcase, inside a suitcase.
Good luck!

[GretchenM]

Another here that looks at Char's answer as the best. This whole thing needs to be pulled out into the open and lay all the cards on the table.

You do have every right to be yourself and if that includes CDing or showing some degree of transgender behaviors and identity then so be it. And she has the right to disagree. The obvious solution is to negotiate a compromise. However, that can be difficult to do when it is just the two of you because it can all be a very emotional process that can easily spin out of control. Keep in mind this is not so much about facts but about feelings.

My suggestion is for you to find a therapist that has a lot of experience with gender issues, then tell your wife that the CDing is still a need and that you are going to go to a therapist. Then go and have a few sessions to see how it goes and also receive instruction on how to go into a negotiation with your wife. Chances are you will be asked to encourage your wife to attend your sessions so you can discuss the situation in an environment where there is a person that can keep things under control.

That is basically what we did and that provided the TOOLS we needed to work out things and understand each other's feelings. I still cannot, do not, and do not wish to dress fully in front of my wife - I respect her feelings which I now understand and she understands my needs. It was bumpy for awhile, but now it is smooth. Do not do the "masculine" thing and force it on her - it rarely ever works and rarely ever brings peace. In fact that kind of domination these days makes the whole thing dive into a black hole.

Don't dwell on the shoulda-coulda type thinking about the past. It will just pull you down. Look only toward the future and achieving some kind of resolution and agreement. However, you will need to apologize for the lack of revelation before marriage - that will also partly free you of that burden that creates shame which is probably at the foundation of your buy-purge pattern.

If you love each other you two will find the answer - maybe not perfect, but quite workable. But at this point you probably need a neutral party to referee the negotiations and coming to a better understanding of, most important, EACH OTHER'S FEELINGS. Facts at this point are not a great deal of help; you need to understand each other's feelings against which the facts can be viewed and understood within the context of your unique relationship as a married couple.

[alwayshave]

Amy, I agree with char as well.

[Michelle1955]

I agree with Charr, but based on you profile and what age you started is over 40 years.

I started around 5 years old to the best of my knowledge, so 62 years or +.

You need to solve your guilt, probably with professional help.
In my opinion you are more than a closeted -crossdresser, which is not a bad thing.
This is what you got to come to terms with.

For myself when I first heard transgender and learning to understand and accepted the newer term Transgender which is all encompassing. In my opinion News / Internet / Politics / and the average person twist things up. Ie bad info
Ie everything from crossdressing (various reasons) to transsexual and all the variants in the middle.

Which are blurred or moving in some people even when they come to accept. Ie Manage the Pink Fog Term, even if it just wearing panties daily to manage the fog. The hurricane (pink fog) will still come at some point but you learn to manage it, everyone is different. It could be as simple as wearing a bra and panties or full dressing or dressing to go out into the

Back to Charr comments you got to work through the issues with your wife. This is typically a very long process for most.
You do not want to get to the stage of Divorce.

[Stephanie47]

Such is the never-ending plight of a cross-dresser; The endless buy-purge routine. Amy, has your wife ever laid out to you what would happen if you continued to wear women's clothing? Divorce? Announcing to the world you're a cross-dresser? Yes, we should have that discussion with our wives, but obviously we fear the end of the marital story. My wife and I have "The Talk" mid 1980's. She has not said "boo" about it since then. I will not say we dance around the "elephant in the room," but it can drive me nuts not to have her even acknowledge by need. I do not throw cross-dressing in her face.

IMHO, when a wife "makes" her husband purge and swear on a stack of bibles he will never cross-dress again the agreement was made under duress and is not worth the "paper it is printed on." These "discussions" are one-sided and many times based on a husband's own issues of self-esteem and self worth. After a non-accepting wife finds out about her husband's secret how does she view her husband? What are her true feelings? In part,does it also potentially reflect negatively on her; "She's married to a cross-dresser! What's wrong with her?" I've read on other sites that once a woman finds out, she never feels the same about her husband. Does she realize his feelings are suppressed? She has an image of her husband dolled up, even though she has never seen him attired. I know it is a tough issue to confront.