Is it time to renegotiate

[Maria 60]

I have been following this one sister on this site, she is from the same city and she belongs to a small group that holds small venues. I never contacted this person or anything like that but I mentioned to my wife a few months ago how she felt if I was to approach something like this. We talked about it briefly but she did have an open mind about it.
Last night I got dressed to go on my Friday night drive and before I put my male clothes over my wife wants to see what I'm wearing to make sure I look decent. She told me I have come a long way and she joked about she knows a lot of men who would love to have a feel of those long gorgeous legs. She then told me it was like a waste to be dressed so nice to just put gas in the car and drive around for hours. She then asked me that I have been mentioning a lot about that person on this community that was holding small venues and if this is something I was considering still and we should discuss maybe to renegotiate out original deal. She reminded me about 35 years ago the original deal was I wasn't gay and I didn't want to become a women and the biggest part was if was going to be happy with just staying in the closet, in which she reminded me I crossed that line many times. As we were talking her main concerns were that I had to walk in public I don't pass well as a women, if I get seen by someone and in her view it seems like people are more open to this but there still is a lot a hatters and I guess she worries about me. She then told me if I wanted to take that route what I thought about considering telling the children and close family so they don't find out elsewhere and we could alter our original contract. I was sitting there hearing her talk and I could see the stress on her face almost like watching her ageing right in front of me, she is so thoughtful and caring that I just can't put her through anymore then she is already induring. I told her there is no need to renegotiate the contract because I'm in a very happy place and couldn't have even imagined to be where I am now and it's because of her I'm where I am today. I don't want to get to mushi but I reinsured her of my love for her and how much I appreciate everything she does. I could instantly see a weight lifted off her shoulders and a beautiful smile came across her face as she told me that I could tell her anything that I have on my mind.
As much as maybe at times I do consider taking that next step I'm going to consider my wife's feelings of concern and I really don't want her to worry about more then she already has to deal with. I believe her openness and willing to talk is a big part of our relationship. The funny part is, she brought it up when I should have.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

You said it all.

[char GG]

I believe your wife is your biggest supporter. It is admirable of you to consider her feelings and love for each other. I love it that there is communication between you two.

Not trying to suggest any change of decisions that you two have agreed on, however since she brought it up, have you considered some type of closed group Cd meeting? Maybe one where wives are welcomed? Otherwise, if you are both happy with your Friday night drives, no need to redo what already works.

[Sometimes Steffi]

My original agreement included the freedom to go out two times a month. Going out wasn't just a car ride, but going out to a private group meeting or, perish the thought, in public.

I started going out to meet a social group in a private location. Then I connected with a small small social group of girls who met at a local LGBT bar. I have been meeting with a large social group in a (vanilla) public venue since them. In fact, we have a Meetup tonight.

Since I had already been going out, unbeknownst to her, when we had "The Talk", it was very important for me to retain that freedom. Not long after that, I "asked permission" to go to the Keystone Conference, and that request was granted. If you haven't heard of the Keystone Conference, it is an all girl gathering of hundreds of girls like use, where you can be all girl, all day and all night for four days. I'm going again in March for what will be my 10th time.

Be careful, because I didn't find out until years later that I was only granted permission because she thought going would "get it out of my system". It's a good thing that she hadn't found my copy of "The Complete Crossdressers Manual". LOL.

[bridget thronton]

You have a great relationship - keep talking and the future will take care of itself (it does seem odd that her sister and your MIL know you dress but your children do not)

[alwayshave]

Maria, I'm sorry that you can't meet with the local group. However, your wife gives you so much, I understand you taking her feelings in to your decision making. Have you considered going out to a meeting in another location away from your home town?

[crissy7]

You have what many on this site would love to have,a great wife.

[docrobbysherry]

Change is a natural part of life, Maria.

I find it incredible that after 35 years you're still satisfied with a drive one nite a week!

Considering that this closet dresser has in 16 years gone from accepting I'm a CD to going out dressed all over the planet and attending monthly T nites out of town and week long T events out of state!

I honestly don't know how u do it?

[Fiona_44]

Your love for your wife and your concern over her feelings show that you have a solid relationship with your wife. You are indeed luckier than many CD's.

[Helen_Highwater]

If you've never eaten chicken you don't know what it tastes like.

My view is you should contact this other person and see if it's OK for you both to go along one night. Do your homework, check out the area where you'd meet, know where to park, perhaps even consider going in drab and take a change of clothes.

How often is it written here about those little voices whispering in our ear about mobs with pitchforks and burning torches only to fine they don't exist. Your wife's fears are understandable but I would suggest largely unjustified.

It could well turn out your fears were real, it turns out to be a nightmare. However, it is far more likely to turn out to be somewhat of a revelation and something you wish you'd done far earlier. So go on, try the chicken.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I you do go out, with or without your wife, remember to include personal security in your planning. Meet in a public place. Have an exfiltration plan, to get out of Dodge in an emergency. If it feels unsafe, retreat.

[Kitty Sue]

Kudos to both you and your wife for thinking about each other. Thanks for this Maria, really inspiring.

[Geena75]

You are in a very very good place that I think a lot of us would envy. I'll admit that I have really enjoyed the group (can't really call it local as it's 90 miles away) and the friends i have made. Still, I would trade it in a heartbeat for acceptance at home.

I think it is wonderful the relationship you have, and the concern for each other's feelings. The best part is that you recognize it and value it highly.

[Aunt Kelly]

Do what you can to keep that wonderful woman happy. Tell her that I said you had to or she was free to call you a cad.
Oh, and BTW, if your not ready to be outed, think hard about going out. I'm not saying don't go, but weigh the risks honestly. Odds are good that small venues will not be visited by anyone you know, but do the math.

[Genifer Teal]

My original agreement included the freedom to go out two times a month. Going out wasn't just a car ride, but going out to a private group meeting or, perish the thought, in public.

Have we crossed paths before? Look for me in March and say hello hello.

Being married is such a different situation to mine. I guess it's kind of like when your kid gets his license and goes out on his own for the first few times. Might be a similar unsettling feeling that they will be okay. What kind of trouble are they getting into? So much I can't fathom from the perspective of marriage.

Then I think about my insight to what's out there and what I've experienced and what so many haven't experienced. It works for me but that's no guarantee it would work for anyone else. The way I look and the way I act help but I think my personality is a major factor and we're all different there. Also geography matters.

If you think of all the things that women have to worry about that men don't typically worry about. Now she's applying many of those things to you and probably in a heightened way because this makes you more of a Target. Now you're not just vulnerable but you're someone to lash out at if someone is angry about gender issues or whatever. Regardless she hasn't had 35 years for her feelings to develop about this or progress or whatever. She's had 35 years to see you progress and get closer to doing all those things she worries about. So now she worries even more! It would seem from the outside the main thing that has progressed in the relationship is you. This is not an ideal situation for advancing your agreed restrictions.

[Maria 60]

Thank you all for the great responses I could always count on the family here for great advice. This morning I woke up and uncovered my sheets to the view of my black lacy teddy and black thigh high stockings. I put on my wig, silk robe and pink fluffy slippers and sat on the couch and had my morning coffee. My wife woke up and gave me a good morning like everything was normal. In my dads words "Pick the war you want to fight carefully". I looked down at myself and at times still in disbelief of what I'm able to do and told myself I don't want to risk what took years to develop. I guess everyone knows there wifes and I know my wife is a worrier. This is a very big step and why put her and our relationship through this now and maybe something like this could discourage her. I'm going to still follow that sister and will live on the hope of "never say never" but for now I'm considering don't rock the boat.
Last night she told me again if I ever have anything on my mind to not hold back and tell her, I told her I'm sitting next to her dressed as a women, what else can I hold back about. I will take the advice of everyone here in the past of take it slow and who knows. Thanks again.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Have we crossed paths before? Look for me in March and say hello hello.

Genifer

I take this to mean, "Let's meet at Keystone in March and say Hello."

I'd love, love, love to.

Roger. Wilco. In standard English, that means, "Received, will comply."

[Crissy 107]

Maria, As good as you have it, and that is exceptionally good, you never want to rock the boat too much but you understand that already.
Good luck, we, ok me, are looking forward to your next thread whenever that is.

[Genifer Teal]

Steffi

So much for discretion now that you explain to everybody what I meant. LOL not that I really care. I generally don't announce out loud where I'm going. I feel this is a safe crowd but I've learned enough lessons over the years.

Be careful who you make plans with. If you are speaking out loud or in a public forum Try not to be specific when and where you are going. If someone's interested enough they will notice every sliver of detail you tell them. I've been bouncing around Club to Club in the city and had someone follow me from one place to another because they overheard us discussing where we were going next. Not that you'll be in that exact situation but even here or on Facebook or wherever in any form if you say on this date I'm going to this location that's information everyone doesn't need to hear. If you make plans with this person at your wife's blessing don't discuss it openly with other people.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Oh, I get it now. Encryption only works if there is a shared secret. I unshared the secret.

I didn't know that you knew about where I'd be in March. I kind of thought that was a secret.

[Genifer Teal]

If you haven't heard of the Keystone Conference, it is an all girl gathering of hundreds of girls like use, where you can be all girl, all day and all night for four days. I'm going again in March for what will be my 10th time.

Your words above.

If you are terrible at keeping things secret, she will find out. That would be much worse. You can try to renegotiate but it seems like a bad idea unless there is s sweeping change. The only thing you might do right now is try to get a better understanding of why she feels this way. Maybe you can educate her otherwise without pushing. Even then if she allows anything tread lightly move very very slowly. Continually check in that she is okay.