Can I just vent for a moment?

I feel like I'm stuck between two lives. First is the outside would which sees me as a normal guy. I'm married, have a good job, got kids, etc..
Then there is the inside me that has always wanted to become a woman. Over that past 12 years these two have been in constant conflict. I started with crossdressing but soon moved to exploring changing my sex. I really enjoyed going out dressed as a woman no matter how bad I looked at times. I felt like it was me. Then my daughter found someone I had wrote online about wanting to become a woman. My daughter was supportive but she also told my wife. This was over ten years ago. Since then my daughter has been supportive and has even bought me Christmas presents like perfume and makeup. My wife at first was resentful then accepted me but now she has become much more religous and won't allow anything. Still our work schedules are different so I still have time to be me as a woman.
I also began taking hormones a long time ago. I found a doctor that was very supportive and treated several trans patients. I absoutly love what they have done and how they make me feel. I told my wife back when she was in her supportive stage that I was taking them so she knew.
Since she became more religious I have gone back into the closet with her and told her that I had a change of heart but this wasn't true. I still want to be a woman. I started researching places that perform GRS and even contacted some. Eventually I contacted one place and even made a consult for an orchiotomy. I knew I couldn't actually get one but I wanted to imagine it so i kept looking farther. The consult went well and I even went to the next step and got the two letters needed by my insurance. Now I had been in therapy for my gender issues so getting the letters wasn't had. I told the truth about my feelings except that I was too scared to go through with the surgury. I was amazed by what the phychologists wrote about about my sexuality. It was so much confirmation.
Lately I've been out of therapy because of several reasons. I did find one new therapist I liked recently but after one session she moved her practice out of state.

So now I find myself lying to everyone. My wife in that I don't want to change my sex and the doctor and psychologist that I was actually going to do it.
I get keep myself in a safe zone. Living as a man but desperatly wanting to be a woman.

So that's where I'm at. I probably forgot to mention some important stuff and if anyone has a question I will try to answer.

Thanks