My gender rant

[StaceyJane]

Can I just vent for a moment?

I feel like I'm stuck between two lives. First is the outside would which sees me as a normal guy. I'm married, have a good job, got kids, etc..
Then there is the inside me that has always wanted to become a woman. Over that past 12 years these two have been in constant conflict. I started with crossdressing but soon moved to exploring changing my sex. I really enjoyed going out dressed as a woman no matter how bad I looked at times. I felt like it was me. Then my daughter found someone I had wrote online about wanting to become a woman. My daughter was supportive but she also told my wife. This was over ten years ago. Since then my daughter has been supportive and has even bought me Christmas presents like perfume and makeup. My wife at first was resentful then accepted me but now she has become much more religous and won't allow anything. Still our work schedules are different so I still have time to be me as a woman.
I also began taking hormones a long time ago. I found a doctor that was very supportive and treated several trans patients. I absoutly love what they have done and how they make me feel. I told my wife back when she was in her supportive stage that I was taking them so she knew.
Since she became more religious I have gone back into the closet with her and told her that I had a change of heart but this wasn't true. I still want to be a woman. I started researching places that perform GRS and even contacted some. Eventually I contacted one place and even made a consult for an orchiotomy. I knew I couldn't actually get one but I wanted to imagine it so i kept looking farther. The consult went well and I even went to the next step and got the two letters needed by my insurance. Now I had been in therapy for my gender issues so getting the letters wasn't had. I told the truth about my feelings except that I was too scared to go through with the surgury. I was amazed by what the phychologists wrote about about my sexuality. It was so much confirmation.
Lately I've been out of therapy because of several reasons. I did find one new therapist I liked recently but after one session she moved her practice out of state.

So now I find myself lying to everyone. My wife in that I don't want to change my sex and the doctor and psychologist that I was actually going to do it.
I get keep myself in a safe zone. Living as a man but desperatly wanting to be a woman.

So that's where I'm at. I probably forgot to mention some important stuff and if anyone has a question I will try to answer.

Thanks

[Aunt Kelly]

You will likely get several responses here, attempting to give you advice on what to do. As such, all are likely valid (more or less), but when it comes down to it, it is you who must decide who you are and how you must live. My best friend is also a trans woman. She transitioned a few years ago and will tell you that she finally had no choice, even though it cost her most of the things that mattered to her. She will also tell you that you should avoid making that choice if you can, and to be happy that you can.

For my part, I would encourage you to pursue therapy, and to be as open with your therapist as you have been here, about your feelings and fears. You won't get any easy answers, but with a talented therapists guidiance, what answers you do get will be from yourself.

[Jazzmin]

OK, I am NOT being judgmental here, so please do not interpret my words as such, they are meant to be helpful and positive.

First, you need to stop lying, to your doctors, therapist, your wife, and most importantly, to yourself. It isn't doing anyone any good, ESPECIALLY, you!

Second, accept the fact that you MAY be transgender, and if so, and you wish to continue on the path of transition, that there will have to be changes and sacrifices made. Your spouse might not be able or willing to continue being your spouse. And only YOU can decide whether to continue to move to the real you or submit to others idea of who you are. Either way, it will be a painful choice to make.

Good luck on your journey and the choices you will have to make.

[mbmeen12]

Rant away because you can't be the only one going through this. Your wife has moved the goal line on you. You have tough decision. Placing value on your well being. Maybe couples therapy? The therapist could assist in telling your wife, God's loves all us....no matter who we are.

[kimdl93]

I really should not offer advice based on my own experience, because it wasn’t good. But I certainly do understand your frustrations. If it is any consolation, your deceptions have yielded two short/medium range benefits. The deception has kept your marriage intact and the deception of the medical providers has perhaps kept your mental health intact. How that works for you in the long run I don’t know.

If there is a way out of this conundrum, it seems it will have to involve your wife. We don’t talk religion here, so I will avoid that, but surely there are women here who have religious affiliations that are not supportive of trans people, and perhaps they can privately offer some observations on how one might workout the conflict between belief system and reality. Good luck!

[ShawnaL]

I can certainly relate to having a wife whose support has, shall we say, "dwindled" over the course of time. With that said, I am still honest with her about where I am along the path. (I've suspended HRT at her request, but still pursue transition in every other way.) Jazzmin really made a wonderful point when she said that lying does no one any good, especially YOU. What really helped me was when I realized that people were more likely to accept me if I were being upfront and truthful with them about who I am. No one likes the feeling of being told a lie - even if the lie has no personal impact on their lives. It absolutely changes the way family and friends see us from that point forward and the credibility we lose when found out can be devasting. In every case I can imagine, the lie always hurts the one telling it more than the person it's being told to. I really feel for you, Stacy, and I hope things get better for you and that you get to where you want to go.
Hugs!
Shawna

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

I see a very ugly and public divorce in your future. Not saying whether or not you should proceed, just predicting what's going to come with it if you do, and maybe even if you don't but she finds out what you've been doing. Good luck.

[dejalee]

Hi! First of all I want to say that you are not alone and I know that it's not that easy when you are in a situation like yours. You will get a lot of responses here but in the end you are the only one who can change your life, and what you want isn't impossible. I hope things get better for you and that you get to where you want to go.

[Sarah Doepner]

I put off doing anything that would be transition related until well after my wife had passed away. That relationship and her needs, particularly once she had a terminal diagnosis were more important than my gender issues. I was open to her about my crossdressing at the time and she was supportive, knowing it was something that allowed me to deal with my gender dysphoria. It wasn't enough to make it go away, but I was able to live a life where I could attend to issues beyond my individual interests and needs. Being open and honest helped within our marriage and averted more than one crisis. However, I'm not sure if I could have kept that up had she beaten the odds and lived. There would have been some significant challenges to face and I'm not sure what that future would have looked like or how I would have been able to balance my love and commitment to her and still honor my growing need to transition.

Good luck as you move forward.

[Ann WA]

Your video shows you a woman by nature

[pamela7]

Deciding to transition will clearly be the end of this marriage, unless your wife understands that love is the basis, not discrimination.
Fear of surgery - just been through it - it's a breeze, really. Anaesthetics, painkillers and yes 10-12 weeks recovery, but then you live.
End the lies, and feel the happiness that truth brings.

[mattea]

Hello, StaceyJane!

For me, I like you fought the two identify battle for a long time and now I pose as a male, but my family and my wife know of my ambition and I am lucky that my wife is fully on board, and supportive of where we are going. My wife is not only supportive but active in everything we have done to be on the path to transition. We hit some roadblocks with work and health that have set me back, but our intent and desire to live as a female couple has not changed. I am now realizing that this setback that we have had has been VERY detrimental to my own personal health, and well being and actually came back to this forum to look for some help and support, as it was very helpful for me years ago. I remember though being very conflicted, actually from a very young age, the expectations of your family and then what you feel as though you truly are. I understand the pain and frustration you are going through, for me it was almost consuming at times, it was all I thought about (honestly its all I think about right now), being out there in the world as the women I am and supposed to be. There are so many debates, people talk about religion and how they accept things, and with all of the media attention it is difficult for all of us and my heart goes out to you. I do have to agree with many of the posters here and say the truth of your feelings, and your identify must not be veiled in lies, lies only lead to heart break, which could be the result anyway, the only thing that lies do is prolong the inevitable and sometimes lies make things worse than just spilling the beans in the first place, because the longer you deceive the more betrayal the others will imply, even though most of us here know 100% that your intentions are not to hurt anyone. At some point you have to live for yourself too, and stress can break you, if you don't work to alleviate it where you can. I know I am fortunate to have my wife 100% by my side, but I do remember when that was a worry when I first came out to her. We had some bumpy times at first, and there were some instances where I almost gave up on being my true self, because she was more important to me than anything else. My suggestion is you stay with therapy, and work towards exposing those lies, and being honest with yourself and your wife and family. Everyone has to make that call, it is worth the loss, can you live with the loss if someone leaves? I am still dealing with a lot of this even after being on HRT for a few years and posing as male for my work, and day to day activities. I know it is helpful to hear other points of view, but in the end you have to make the decisions, and live with those consequences. It is not easy, as I have made the decision to be more open and am looking for the right place to live and work, so that I can finally be 100% female all of the time, right now. In the course of this I know that I am going to lose some work acquaintances, and I have a brother and his family that will take a lot of time to accept, but I am nearly sure at some point they will. In my long response to your rant, I guess what I am saying is that lies, only cloud things and make them more difficult, I know it is difficult but sometimes you just got to go straight at it and tell the truth, but always do it with love and respect for those around you. I truly believe that LOVE is the key to everything, while things may not turn out the way you want if you move forward with love and kindness in the front of what you need to do, it will go much easier. I wish you the best on this, and look forward to hearing more. Mattea.

[LisaMarieDayton]

My best friend is also a trans woman. She transitioned a few years ago and will tell you that she finally had no choice, even though it cost her most of the things that mattered to her.

That is what happened with me. I hit a point that I could no longer live a lie. I transitioned. It cost me my marriage, damaged relations with my children. I lost several friends. I lost my brother and sister. It has made my job as a bus driver 10x more difficult. As painful and hurtful becoming my authentic self was, I have never been happier and know I did the right thing. I have no regrets. Many people say I am selfish because I transitioned. I say they are the selfish ones wanting me to live my life the way they wanted me to.