My gender rant

[StaceyJane]

Can I just vent for a moment?

I feel like I'm stuck between two lives. First is the outside would which sees me as a normal guy. I'm married, have a good job, got kids, etc..
Then there is the inside me that has always wanted to become a woman. Over that past 12 years these two have been in constant conflict. I started with crossdressing but soon moved to exploring changing my sex. I really enjoyed going out dressed as a woman no matter how bad I looked at times. I felt like it was me. Then my daughter found someone I had wrote online about wanting to become a woman. My daughter was supportive but she also told my wife. This was over ten years ago. Since then my daughter has been supportive and has even bought me Christmas presents like perfume and makeup. My wife at first was resentful then accepted me but now she has become much more religous and won't allow anything. Still our work schedules are different so I still have time to be me as a woman.
I also began taking hormones a long time ago. I found a doctor that was very supportive and treated several trans patients. I absoutly love what they have done and how they make me feel. I told my wife back when she was in her supportive stage that I was taking them so she knew.
Since she became more religious I have gone back into the closet with her and told her that I had a change of heart but this wasn't true. I still want to be a woman. I started researching places that perform GRS and even contacted some. Eventually I contacted one place and even made a consult for an orchiotomy. I knew I couldn't actually get one but I wanted to imagine it so i kept looking farther. The consult went well and I even went to the next step and got the two letters needed by my insurance. Now I had been in therapy for my gender issues so getting the letters wasn't had. I told the truth about my feelings except that I was too scared to go through with the surgury. I was amazed by what the phychologists wrote about about my sexuality. It was so much confirmation.
Lately I've been out of therapy because of several reasons. I did find one new therapist I liked recently but after one session she moved her practice out of state.

So now I find myself lying to everyone. My wife in that I don't want to change my sex and the doctor and psychologist that I was actually going to do it.
I get keep myself in a safe zone. Living as a man but desperatly wanting to be a woman.

So that's where I'm at. I probably forgot to mention some important stuff and if anyone has a question I will try to answer.

Thanks

[Aunt Kelly]

You will likely get several responses here, attempting to give you advice on what to do. As such, all are likely valid (more or less), but when it comes down to it, it is you who must decide who you are and how you must live. My best friend is also a trans woman. She transitioned a few years ago and will tell you that she finally had no choice, even though it cost her most of the things that mattered to her. She will also tell you that you should avoid making that choice if you can, and to be happy that you can.

For my part, I would encourage you to pursue therapy, and to be as open with your therapist as you have been here, about your feelings and fears. You won't get any easy answers, but with a talented therapists guidiance, what answers you do get will be from yourself.

[Jazzmin]

OK, I am NOT being judgmental here, so please do not interpret my words as such, they are meant to be helpful and positive.

First, you need to stop lying, to your doctors, therapist, your wife, and most importantly, to yourself. It isn't doing anyone any good, ESPECIALLY, you!

Second, accept the fact that you MAY be transgender, and if so, and you wish to continue on the path of transition, that there will have to be changes and sacrifices made. Your spouse might not be able or willing to continue being your spouse. And only YOU can decide whether to continue to move to the real you or submit to others idea of who you are. Either way, it will be a painful choice to make.

Good luck on your journey and the choices you will have to make.

[mbmeen12]

Rant away because you can't be the only one going through this. Your wife has moved the goal line on you. You have tough decision. Placing value on your well being. Maybe couples therapy? The therapist could assist in telling your wife, God's loves all us....no matter who we are.

[kimdl93]

I really should not offer advice based on my own experience, because it wasn’t good. But I certainly do understand your frustrations. If it is any consolation, your deceptions have yielded two short/medium range benefits. The deception has kept your marriage intact and the deception of the medical providers has perhaps kept your mental health intact. How that works for you in the long run I don’t know.

If there is a way out of this conundrum, it seems it will have to involve your wife. We don’t talk religion here, so I will avoid that, but surely there are women here who have religious affiliations that are not supportive of trans people, and perhaps they can privately offer some observations on how one might workout the conflict between belief system and reality. Good luck!

[ShawnaL]

I can certainly relate to having a wife whose support has, shall we say, "dwindled" over the course of time. With that said, I am still honest with her about where I am along the path. (I've suspended HRT at her request, but still pursue transition in every other way.) Jazzmin really made a wonderful point when she said that lying does no one any good, especially YOU. What really helped me was when I realized that people were more likely to accept me if I were being upfront and truthful with them about who I am. No one likes the feeling of being told a lie - even if the lie has no personal impact on their lives. It absolutely changes the way family and friends see us from that point forward and the credibility we lose when found out can be devasting. In every case I can imagine, the lie always hurts the one telling it more than the person it's being told to. I really feel for you, Stacy, and I hope things get better for you and that you get to where you want to go.
Hugs!
Shawna

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

I see a very ugly and public divorce in your future. Not saying whether or not you should proceed, just predicting what's going to come with it if you do, and maybe even if you don't but she finds out what you've been doing. Good luck.