Struggling with feelings

[Chloematt]

After a year long break from dressing my desires returned with a vengeance and I have just placed a new order of clothes. Feeling hit me last week like a train around a week ago, held out for few days but eventually gave in and ordered some new dresses, bras, thongs and stockings. Feel bad for giving in but so excited for my order to arrive. Not only this but my sexual feeling that I thought I had under control have returned too. These desires involve me crossdressing and being with a man. If I resist the urge to dress to you think I can keep these feelings at bay?

[Sandi Beech]

Looks as if this is your first post so let me welcome you.

I feel like crossdressing is kind of complicated. There are a number of motivations and triggers. I see you are in a younger age group than many of us. From a lot of posts here , it seems like the sexuality aspect diminishes somewhat as we get older, although I am no sure that can be said for all. Also, many of us have been hit abruptly by the so called pink fog , especially when under stress. I think it helps many of us as an escape from reality. So expect your urges to go up and down over time.

Anyhow. You might want to post some more about yourself in the introductions section. I am sure you will get a lot of advice here.

Sandi

[Crissy 107]

Welcome, you have found the right place to be. Like Sandi said you should go to the intro forum up top and say Hi and let us get to meet you some.
This is a great forum and we have members from every place on the Transgender spectrum. I hope you enjoy your time here.

[Aunt Kelly]

If I resist the urge to dress to you think I can keep these feelings at bay?

The short answer is probably not.
The much longer (and probably more useful answer) is to note first that sexual preference and gender identity are two different things, but they are two things that are often entwined with each other. I'll hazard to guess that you seldom, if ever, envision yourself having sex with a man, as a man. So... you're probably not "gay". If you're identifying as fem and desire sex with a man, that's rather more like being a "straight" woman, is it not?

Yes, I'm over-simplifying rather recklessly with my use of labels. The truth is that many of us have "shades" of gender identity and sexual preference. Such variety is a normal occurrence for a small subset of the population, so you are normal, albeit just a bit unusual.

You're not bad or broken for feeling the way you do. Counseling would certainly help you sort things out and understand yourself better.

[kimdl93]

A few members here may be able to offer professional advice, but I am not one of them. And my opinion on your ability to resist feelings is not worth the price. I can think of a lot of issues that you really should work through with an appropriately qualified and experienced behavioral health professional. For example, how long have you had the desire to cross dress? Is your interest in cross dressing tied to sexual arousal and does it wane afterward. Have you had sex with a man? Have you often thought about having same sex involvement, or is this part of a fantasy about being a woman? Are you married or in a relationship? Is your partner aware? How often have you purchased and subsequently purged your collection of womens clothing? Are you interested in going out dressed as a woman? Are you interested in living part or all of your life as a woman? Has your personal, professional or social life and finances been adversely affected by your purchases of clothing? Have you risked physical, emotional or economic harm to pursue your interest in cross dressing?

[Chloematt]

Thank you its nice to be here i like the site.

Yes your right it is definitely complicated urge. I can imagine that many different crossdressers dress for different reasons, for me it has always been sexual over the years but as you say that might diminsh over time. What do you mean by the pink fog?

Thanks I will check out the introduction forum.

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Hi, yes it looks like a fun website with a lot of variation. I will have a look at some of the introduction pages and get to know some people. Thanks.

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I'm not sure how I would feel about speak to a professional at this stage to be honest but I understand that they could offer some guidance but I would be nervous speaking in person to a professional about this. To answer your questions no this has never caused any harm to my life. I have dressed on and off since my early teens. It's normally for sexual reasons. I haven't been with a man sexually but I do think about it when I'm dressed and I have purged quite a few times to date.
Thanks for the reply

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Yes your right I seldom think about men when I'm not in my dressing mood, it's just that when I'm in my moods lately the feelings are stronger each time. I know it's a little unusual to the average person which I don't really think about when I'm in the mood but I do after woods.

I suppose counciling could help if I felt that it was getting a little too much.
Thanks for the response

[CharlotteCD]

Why do you need to resist these feelings?

What's stopping you from dressing, or being with a man?

[mykell]

hi chloe,

have you thought about you being trans ??? when your dressed as your authentic self you feel the desire to attract men to your "self"....seeing a professional does have a cost to it but are their any person to person support groups where you live to sort some things out first....

[Sandi Beech]

Sorry about the pink fog reference. I assumed you had read a lot of posts here before joining. Some of us tend to attribute our sometimes irrational , risky , and impulsive actions to the invisible pink fog that made us do whatever. Sometimes there is no reason so we had to come up with something I guess. You will see a number of references to it if you read enough posts.

Sandi

[docrobbysherry]

My 2 cents Chloe:

I did the opposite to quench my dressing desires. This was nearly 20 years ago when I had a wife and kids. I was so consumed with dressing I couldn't concentrate on anything else. So, whenever the need struck me, I dressed! In the middle on the nite. In a store room at work. In my car. In motel rooms on business trips. After a couple months of that nonsense I completely lost interest in dressing!

Of course, after 3 months it returned. But by then, I found dressing a few times a month kept it under control.

Sex was a big part of my dressing from the very beginning. And, 26 years later, at age 80 it still is!

Most of us have fantasized about being with men. I thot I had turned gay!
But, it's just the thot of being treated like woman for many of us!

[mbmeen12]

Life is short hun...live because regret is un -healthy....

[Mermaiden]

My non-professional advice is to accept that you are a crossdresser. Yeah, it?s weird. But we all do it. You?ll never figure out why you are a crossdresser, you just are. True, it?s not generally cool socially and you might want to keep it to yourself or very few people. But that doesn?t make it wrong and it hurts no one. Actually, it probably makes you a more aware and better person. So dont fight it, just think about when and where you crossdress. You?ll be doing it the rest of your life. It will be fun!

[Jade P]

Very well stated Mermaiden. I feel I was born this way and I accept my feminine side without shame. My wife on the other hand sees it as embarassing and doesnt want others to know her husband is feminine sometimes. I love my feminine side and I will be dressing as a woman for the rest of my life at least in private.

[GretchenM]

This behavior is typically up and down with periods of little interest and periods of high interest and need. But everyone is different. Even fully trans people experience that and it is no different than moods that cisgender people go through - only the focus is different because you are gender variant to some extent and that is what happens. We tend to lack the stronger gender differentiation that cisgender have, but they lack the variability we have. It is not a matter of good or bad, normal or abnormal. It is just the way humans are. And there is evidence that our closest relatives in the Great Apes experience some kind of this behavior.

Strong resistance to this tends to only create discomfort, also called dysphoria, which can be emotionally draining and can lead you into thinking that you are a freak - it is a negative force in your life. However, learning how to manage these feelings is possible. That requires that you accept this aspect in your life so it is not such a negative drag on your feelings about yourself. That can take quite awhile and that is where a gender therapist can help you sort things out and determine what is most important and what isn't. It is a journey of self discovery and a therapist can help keep you on track and help you get over the big humps you will encounter. But rest assured that there is a combination that will help the dysphoria to decline and allow you to accept who you are rather than seeking compliance with a "normality" that not fit you well at all. Active resistance and denial will most often lead to you getting tied in a mass of knots.

The first step is to not feel bad about the return of those needs. It is a part of who you are but at this point it probably is not very clearly defined. It is never either/or and thinking that will only generate more dysphoria. Seek that which makes you the most comfortable and is also compatible with the many other aspects of your life that are equally important. It is all compatible, but the compatible combination will take a lot of work to find. But if you are always trying to resist change with negative thinking that combination will be out of reach and will not reveal its elements to you at some point. The negative thinking blocks it. Remember that there is a solution that is right for you and which you will be comfortable and happy with. Explore and experiment and follow the positive clues. There is no well defined destination for anyone.

[Krisi]

If you are expecting to get mental health advice from a crossdressing group on the Internet, I would suggest that this is a bad idea.

I would say that most crossdressers are heterosexual and do not want to "be with a man". Some, of course, are homosexual and have sex with other men on a regular basis. The two are not related. If you want to "be with a man", that's your choice.

[April Rose]

I can't really give you advice about what is right for you. I can only tell you what I did. Like Docrobby, I got tired of the binge/ purge cycle. My way of handling it was to dress every day for at least 15 minutes, whether I felt like it or not. I kept at that for quite a while, whether it was convenient or not. The end result was that it became more like a regular habit, and less like an obsession or addiction. It DID NOT put an end to my dressing, but it made it much easier to live with.

I get the impression that you are much younger than me, so the sexual component is probably still strong. The consensus seems to be that it will fade with time.

[Charly52]

I agree with Charlotte don?t resist it embrace it, and if you want to be with a man go for it.

[Sherry Ann Evans]

Not only this but my sexual feeling that I thought I had under control have returned too. These desires involve me crossdressing and being with a man. If I resist the urge to dress to you think I can keep these feelings at bay?

I'll tell you something important.

If you have sexual feelings toward men ... then consider that it's 2023 ... nobody cares about your sexual feelings if they care about you!

If you meet people who DO have a problem with it, then they DON'T care about you. Their problem is theirs, not yours.

Have all the sexual feelings you want. Enjoy them.

[Geena75]

I sense two sets of feelings going on. The first set involve crossdressing. Most of the advice you got on the forum deals with that. As your circumstances allow, go on ahead. I would recommend setting certain limits, though. A heavy case of "pink fog" can leave you with lingering problems if you aren't careful.

The other set of feelings you mentioned is being with a man while dressed. That can be extremely risky business. You would be following urges and feelings and that would make you very vulnerable, and an easy target for some predators out there. Unless you find a safe environment, it might be best to leave those urges in fantasyland.

[BobbiKay]

Gender (who you are) and sexuality (who you like) are each spread along a spectrum. They have binomial distributions, not binary as many of us were shamed to believe. It's not black and white, there are shades of grey. And colors! So give yourself the freedom to be you.

[MarinaTwelve200]

The psychology of the straight Crossdresser (Transvestite) can be quite complex and confusing. As, for example, wanting to "be with a man" could signify either a homosexual "bend" or sado-masochistic humiliation. (Yes, people "get off" on that too). If you KNOW you are not homosexual, the urge might be the latter. Dealing with being a crossdresser is often disconcerting enough, and many people associate it with homosexuality anyway. A person has to REALLY, REALLY "know themselves", Psychologically to get a handle of true feelings and emotions. And have a clear meaning of the terms Homosexuality, Transsexuality, etc., along with common other psychological drives such as Fetishism, Sado-Masochism, Auto gynephilia, etc. Or else one can make disturbing or tragic decisions. Thorough psychological "work-ups", taking a year or more were once required (and still recommended) prior to "Transsexual surgery", for these very reasons, for example. And a modern day waving of such rules is possibly the reason for a great "uptick" in the numbers of people calling themselves "Transsexuals", an otherwise VERY rare condition. There are several psychological conditions and subconscious drives that can be confused with it. And woe to those who go "all the way" only to discover their real reasons too late. (attributed to many TS suicides). Initial confusions combined with drives that look like one thing, but really are another, are the major problems here. They might take a GOOD therapist to straighten out. (even THEN you must be careful. many therapists have their own issues). With straight crossdressers, the issues are more complex than with actual Homosexuals or Transsexuals, whose desires are more well "focused" and defined.

[Cheryl T]

As they said on Star Trek the Next Generation, "Resistance is Futile".
At least that's been my experience. I went through times of trying to put this all aside and move along, but it never worked for me. I would purge everything and breathe a sigh of relief, but it was always short lived. Sometimes months, sometimes years would go by but the desire always returned. At last I accepted that this is not what I do, but who I am and finally I was happy.

[ShawnaL]

Hi, Chloe! While there has been some really constructive and positive personal comments and anecdotal suggestions in response to your question, the overriding (and best) advice is that you consider professional counseling that will help you discover who you really are. For years I self-identified as a crossdresser, but inside I KNEW that simply wearing feminine clothes wasn't "centering" me so to speak. With help from a gender therapist, I discovered that I am actually trans, and only then could I begin the process of settling-in to being the real me. But even so, it hasn't been an overnight excursion. I'm still growing into "Shawna" and still learning new things about myself every day - including my sexual identity. From a personal perspective, I would just say, enjoy who you are today...honestly explore who you are today...and allow yourself time to see what develops and where life takes you...and REALLY consider speaking to a therapist. I wish you the best!

[Leohose]

Enjoy the feeling of it comforts you and makes you feel good it?s like a hug you need
To feel the squeeze of the silky slippery material, the more you struggle the harder it gets
Slip in to what you like enjoy responsibly