I am not a woman

[NancyJ]

I know that I am not a woman. I never will be. I used to wish, most every day, that I was. I have (mostly) given up that wishing. It just led to disappointment.

Recently charGG asked in a thread whether forum members cared if they passed. I chose not to answer her because my answer is entangled with this wish. Since I do not go out dressed en femme (a concession to my marriage, but also I know that I am (and look like) a trans woman at best, not a cis woman, passing has not been a goal of mine.

I do not think of myself as a woman. How could I ever know what it was like to grow up female in this culture? I had years of “boy training.” Similarly, there is no way that a woman, or a male who does not have gender dysphoria, could ever know what it is like to be someone like me (us). I assume that most on this forum can relate to what I am describing.

I do not want to pretend to be something that I am not and will never be. That is not healthy for me. Being a non transitioning mtf transperson is not the same as being a cisgender woman. I like to feel feminine, wear feminine clothes, emulate a certain style of femininity (I have come to learn that there are many), but I have accepted that I am not (and do not look like) a woman. Nancy

[Kentishguy1972]

Hi NancyJ, I totally understand that, I have no inclination to be a woman, 99% of the time I am male, but I love feeling feminine and wearing feminine lingerie and clothes. I wear panties daily under my male clothes as I enjoy the feeling of them and they are a lot more comfortable than boxer shorts. But I would never venture out or feel comfortable letting friends or family know what I like and feel. Only my partner knows what I do basically.

[alwayshave]

Nancy, I don't think of myself as a women either. I have thought about what it would be like to transition and decided it is not for me. I am not a women. I love women's clothes and wearing them, but it ends there.

[Krisi]

It's best for our mental health to recognize reality. You (and I) were born male. We have male genitalia, male body features and male DNA. And as you mentioned, we grew up acting like and being treated as males.

I like to pretend that I am a female at times, but it's all with the understanding that I am, and will always be, male.

[GretchenM]

Like you, I once dreamed of becoming a girl. I desired it. There was something about girls that really attracted me and at 6 or 7 years old it sure wasn't sexual. It was the whole package they presented. And I wanted it!! I did not like being a boy, but I also had this feeling that there really isn't anything one can do about that. Even with full transition you still are not female in the purest sense - you can't produce another human being inside your belly. End of story. But females who are transgender can go off HRT and potentially get pregnant and have a baby. Males who partially transition can do much the same thing but they really can't go back to being fully male in all respects.

But gender is not all about sex; in fact it doesn't really involve much sex at all. It is much more of a behavior pattern - a way of viewing the world and your relationship to that world.

I fully agree with you, crossdressing or any other kind of changes to create consistency with what many of us feel is our nature is never more than an approximation. But I don't think it is necessarily an imitation either. It is often an expression of something that exists very, very deep in us in a place that is not known or completely understood. Perhaps something about the way the brain is configured through that wonderful property of the brain that is so often not considered - Brain Plasticity.

We really don't know much about how plasticity works, but it is now pretty clear that brains start out very similar with some genetics setting some very basic rules and boundaries. From that point on it is mostly adaptation to experiences within the boundaries of those basic rules inherited from our ancestors that go back millions of years. Twenty-four thousand genes and 3 billion individual loci (nucleotide pairs) and every single one is modifiable by heritage and some by the environment we experience in our lives. It now appears that perhaps 3,500 of those genes are involved in some way or other with producing the equipment needed to produce gender behavior. Yet nothing is set is stone; the result can change slowly or rapidly and that comes out in our behavior. We can be molded and we can mold our selves, but Barbie is still just a doll and not a real girl.

But passing as a female when you are a male? I have known a couple who have transitioned who come very close, but the brass ring continues to be just beyond reach. Presentable as female? Sure; works great with lots of practice and learning. Dustin Hoffman played Tootsie. But I doubt Dustin is transgender. That is a different level, but it still cannot reach the brass ring. It seems that males and females live on different mountains, but they can see each other, watch each other, interact with each other in many ways. But they can't be each other!

[Natalie5004]

I believe that the choices are not A or B. It is a sliding scale along the line. It really is not a choice either but I feel it is a sliding scale that is movable.

And I can move that dot on the line as I wish. I have been told by more than 1 GG and I quote "You are such a girl." I loved it.

But also I can be the man in the house and out doing what most men do.

So, today at home fully dressed I am a woman in my mind.

When I go out as Natalie, in my mind I am a woman. I have every right to do the things I want and not hid myself. But I dress to blend as a very nicely dressed person. I tend to get a little too dressy for my shopping trips. Better to be over dressed than under dressed.

[MonicaPVD]

Nancy and others,

This is such a profound and important topic. Particularly in this era where gender identity has become so politicized. What does it mean to be a woman? I don't know but I do know that I am not one and will never be one, even if I may look a lot like one. I, too, used to wish that I was one, and lament the fact that I wasn't. Fortunately, I outgrew that era and have come to terms with my reality. To that end, I gave up on chasing the "pass" standard and just make an effort to look the best possible without trying to force mimic behavior that is not a part of who I am. Surprisingly, the outcome of being liberated from the "pass" standard is that people almost universally treat me as a woman, with dignity and respect.

[Debs]

when I go away for a few days dressed total en femme, I am away from home with nothing to remind me that Im male, I leave home dressed with only my female attire and makeup perfume etc, so when I go out from the hotel it has to be en femme and at night, and in a morning I have to get ready as a girl, so I know Im not female , but OMG I am 99% feeling being a woman and its amazing.

[kimdl93]

This is a tough thing for me to respond to. Physiologically, of course I am a male. And it feels presumptuous to suggest that I am a woman. At the same time, I feel like a small mass under the influence and in an elliptical orbit around of a much larger object, and over time, inexorably being drawn closer to it.

[Amelie]

I am a woman on the inside no matter how I am dressed. The issue is dealing with society's rules and labels. Take away the rules and you can be whatever you want.

[Fiona_44]

I am not a woman, will never be a woman and will never fully transition in order to try and become a woman. However, I love emulating women and now live my life dressed as a woman close to 100% of the time. Like Nancy, I love to feel feminine and wear feminine clothing but I am lucky in that I look like a woman. I agree with Natalie that it is a sliding scale and it is exciting to explore different points along the scale.

[Natalie5004]

I am a woman on the inside no matter how I am dressed. The issue is dealing with society's rules and labels. Take away the rules and you can be whatever you want.

Yes, I am with you on that comment. Carrying all this man stuff around constantly get me bored for sure.

[Diane P]

I am not a woman and never will be. I enjoy wearing women's clothing because it feels right and natural, but I have no desire to transition.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

Most of us here aren't women. Many like to pretend they are, most like to present like one, all (hence the name of the site) like to wear women's clothes. I don't wish I was a woman, although if I was I don't think it would make much difference in my personality and abilities and such, although we'll never know for sure.

Modern science cannot change me into a woman, the tech does not exist yet. It could make me look more like one, if that was what I wanted. Think "Crossdressing Extreme." I could live my life as a woman if I chose, but I'll never be one. I accept that.

Star Trek and Harry Potter both have come up with ways to completely transform one into the other gender, both turned out to be temporary, so sign me up! I'd love to give it a try! Until then..

[tbryant2k16]

Given how genetics and biology isn't 100% perfect for a male and a female, everyone can have traits from the opposite sex. Every human has the female X chromosome which larger and carries more genetic traits than the male Y chromosome. Modern genetics have proven there isn't a clear binary. Modern genetics has also shown there are variations the X and Y chromosome makeup. 99.9% of the genetics of males and females are the same. We both carry genetic instructions for both male and females. For the first 8 weeks, males and females are the same. It's only the SRY gene on the Y chromosomes that says to form the male reproductive system and anatomy. We may have the anatomy and most of the male genetic traits, but we also could have female traits that are more dominate. Not every male is 100% genetically male and vice versa. And this is how you can get intersexed people.

Maybe 50-60 years ago, the understanding of known genetics were a definite male/female, but not today. Saying someone is male or female is far more complex. We are a mix of male/female genetically.

I wear female clothes and enjoy it, but don't know why. Though I don't have gender dysphoria to where I want to transition to be female full time. I may have some female traits that are stronger than the male ones? Yet clothing doesn't depend on genetics. So saying certain clothes is for one gender and the other clothes are for the other gender isn't correct.

[JackieD]

It?s a state of mind.
What?s a woman? If you ask you will get different answers,, I look at it this way.
A woman is what you want it to be. Woman wear dresses,,, if you wear a dress, you?re a woman. If you wear panties and bra. You?re a woman? Itshow you feel. If you feel like a woman. Then you are a women.. Don?t sweat it,, just enjoy it

[Heather76]

I don't wish to be a woman and never have wished for that. I simply love dressing as a woman with all the soft fabrics, lace, bras, etc. that men are never encouraged/expected to wear. Right now I'm in my happy place sitting in my recliner with hose, panties, bra, forms, and a tunic top all on. In a few minutes I'll put my jewelry, lipstick, and wig on. I'm just a guy doing my best to emulate the fairer sex in some small way.

[docrobbysherry]

Nancy, I suddenly wanted to be a woman out of the blue in my 50's. And, that desire lasted into my 60's.

I didn't desire to be an unattractive female, however. Being a homely old man in a dress was/is unappealing!

Then, about 15 years ago I discovered what I really wanted was not to BE a woman, just to look like a young, pretty one. And, Sherry was born!

But, thru all my 27 years of dealing with trans feelings and countless dressing permutations? I can't say I've ever felt like either a woman or a man.

I've always just felt like me!

[Georgina]

I am not a woman and have no desire to be one. I do, however, feel that I have the right to wear dresses and skirts. Once dressed I am still a man albeit a very contented one.

[Debbie Denier]

I also have no desire to transition to a woman. Like others have pointed out, I just like the clothes and how they make me feel. The soft fabrics. The sensation of wearing panties, bras, womens nylons and dresses. There is nothing like it . It is a form of escapism from the drab world of man.

[mykell]

this best fits how i feel....now that being said i knew i was different....

I've always just felt like me!

back in the days when we were challenged "we" were asked to describ how "we" felt we were non binary/TG and it was not an easy task....
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...eel+like+a+man

then i decided to challenge the male and female folks of our forum and proposed the following....

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...l+like+a+women

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...eel+like+a+man

so i never felt like i fit in the mens group....but i never felt like i fit completely in the womens group.

nowadays two spirited fits best....some here shared that they feel like a women or a man....cis terms and i shared the links to show that cis folks had a hard time describing just that....

[SaraLin]

Nancy,
I'm not sure exactly how to respond to your post, but it stirs up a lot in me. So I'll 'try - and keep it short.

I'm not a woman - like you said, there's so much "training" that I never received. At best, I'm a confused tomboy.
I'm not a female - Genetics have seen to that.
I AM a male - again, blame genetics.
I'm not (really) a man - whatever resides in my head, I've never properly absorbed the "boy training" I was exposed to.

The result is a strange mish-mash of both masculine and feminine traits and behaviors that don't fit into either of the stereotypical "poles" of gender.
I'm a mutt, not a purebred.

If I could, I'd happily spend the rest of my life as Sara and not "him." Sadly, reality dictates otherwise. I struggle daily with that, but life goes on - and so do I.


(an ironic turn of a phrase just popped into my head for the first time ever - I SWEAR! "Que sera - Sara.")

[GretchenM]

Such wonderful and beautiful responses. For us it is a bit of a state of mind. GG's are women in every sense; we aren't that and never will be. It is not either/or but as some have said, a kind of spectrum from male to female IN TERMS OF GENDER. But it almost always is either/or when it comes to sex. The two have to be kept fairly separate and yet there is still an overlap in some ways and therein lies the rub. To me the answer is to not think of it as a linear spectrum but rather a multi-dimensional spectrum. Very complicated. But much more in line with what happens almost everywhere in biology as well as many places in the physical world as well. We are only able to see a tiny sliver of the totality. And that is pretty much where we live.

Yesterday I learned that it has been discovered that zebra fish are fully capable of experiencing empathy. It has always been thought that empathy is only present in the most highly evolved creatures. But this discovery has thrown a huge monkey wrench into the works. Now one has to wonder when empathy arose in life? This empathic response in zebra fish has been linked to the oxytocin hormone. Zebra fish who produce little oxytocin can't "do" empathy but if given the hormone they experience it. Now these same scientists are wondering if the empathic emotion came into existence long before there were even fish. Maybe trilobites were empathic? Whoa!! Could T. rex experience empathy?

It has always been thought that female humans have a higher capacity for empathy than males, although both experience it to different degrees. Is it all due just to the levels of a hormone? I seriously doubt that is the whole answer. But if hormones are involved then perhaps tiny differences in hormones or the number of hormone receptors define the differences between male and female behaviors and produce the great overlap of maleness and femaleness that is so prominent in us. A game changer? Maybe. Maybe not. It's complicated. That complexity seems to be the only thing we can be sure of. But what about the sex/gender overlap region. Is that just an illusion and there is far more overlap than we like or want to think? Such a mystery. However, one thing appears to certain - our behavior is not an illusion confined to males who have tiny Y-chromosomes. Females who are fully equipped with two X chromosomes also experience what males experience. It appears that there are about as many trans women and women who are somewhere in between male and female as there are men. A lot to think and wonder about.

However, where the rubber meets the road there is pretty much only one way to approach it. We all need to live the life that seems best for us and if that means sometimes feeling female-like when one is otherwise fully male, then so be it. It appears that the grand workings of the Universe does not really mind that happening, in spite of the naysayers. So be who you believe you are because, for now, nobody knows the truth. It is unusual but so is life itself.

[CDMargret]

Hi there. I dress and do the beauty ritual like a woman. Imitate mannerisms, perfumes and make up. The bliss of being all things female can some times be an indescribable feeling physically and mentally. But I know and I don't want to be woman. It's not often said but I like the times I am a man. A well dressed man restoring his classic cars in greasy coveralls with a silk teddy underneath.

I only wish the world could be more accepting of one's choice to present as they want. Honestly I do not believe this will ever happen. There seems to be that one or group that will ruin the day. Always be on guard and careful but most importantly true to yourself.

[Britney Summers]

Felt I was born in the wrong body in my young teen years, and even more so just as I was turning 40, after that it seemed that a mixy blend of male n female energies, I guess I fall in to the non-binary area. I would feel so out of place in a group of guys in some cases, especially if sports would come up, was never interested in sports when I was a kid either, I do have male interests like in building stuff, auto repair, welding, plumbing, and that kind of stuff. So I am a Jack & Jill of some trades.

Womens fashion, interior decorating, I could probably create and sew my own clothes if I knew how to use a sewing machine.
It would be a dream come true if I could present that inner princess on the outside in public without hassle regardless if I pass, until then I guess I'm stuck in the closet. Gender variations need to be accepted.