Concerns

[Molly Wells]

UPFRONT: As you read this please do not turn it into a political thread or venture off topic and get it shut down. I am merely seeking input regarding my question and personal choices...

I am in a DADT relationship and keep my dressing very private at home. My wife has traditional views of the CD, transgender, LGBQT, community. She is pretty much, "What you do in your personal life is your business but don't throw it in my face" mindset.
I think this reflects much of our society today. With all the current events and activities in the various news cycles and political circles the awareness of our community has greatly increased and along with it the conversations both for and against.

I personally am comfortable going out when I have the opportunity and have almost always felt safe, going to preselected or familiar locations to shop or dine.
However, in the light of current times I am concerned that with the greater awareness and escalated rhetoric I am concerned that the potential for harassment or problems is there and as a result I have a reluctance to go out dressed.
I believe that if I were to be discovered at home or out and about the personal fallout would be greatly increased and harder to deal with.

Again, without getting off topic, am I alone or do others have a greater concern on a personal level about dressing, going out or just being discovered in general.

Thanks,
Molly

[Aunt Kelly]

Hi, Molly!
I don't believe that the rhetoric we are hearing is shared by most of society. It is coming from a specific group of people, who are using it to further their own, usually unrelated, agendas. I will readily acknowedge that there are always a few especially fearful and ignorant people who motivated and/or emboldened by the hateful rhetoric, but they are truly few and far between. At the "All In For Equality" rally at the state capitol a few weeks ago, those running intelligence for us warned of the possibility of counter protesters. They were right. There were maybe six of them, to our 300 or so. A big, target rich environment, made up of LGBTQ+ people, drew a half dozen knuckle draggers to the state capitol. I'll take those odds every day.

[Stephanie47]

"I believe that if I were to be discovered at home or out and about the personal fallout would be greatly increased and harder to deal with."

My wife and I are in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage of fifty plus years. Decades ago she told me it was alright with her if I found a support group. I looked, none to be found. So, my adventure through life has been alone. I wish I could express my femme side to my wife, but that is not to be. What am I left with? Basically being a home-body. When the opportunity arose I did go out en femme for solo journeys. Strolling in the evening air in a safe residential neighborhood "got it out of my system." I have always taken the position that any negative fallout will fall upon my wife and me. If my wife were to walk-in on me partially en femme, as I am every morning under a fluffy bathrobe, she would probably just shake her head and ask some questions, but otherwise nothing would happen. It would not be a gateway to more.

I live in a liberal area, but there are many non-accepting people. Even though I may not be a subject to violence or harassment, I (and my wife) may not get an invitation to a neighborhood BBQ. It just does not come down to "Unfounded Fears." There are many things I do not do attired as a man. I am not one to peruse the local malls. When I do go for an event of a personal interest (annual model building show) I do not see any reason for me to go en femme. My crossdressing life is compartmentalized. Due to some experiences my wife had that pre-date our relationship (truly negative) I know why she will never want our boy-girl relationship to go further than that. Maybe, in my next life.

[kimdl93]

Yes, I am somewhat more concerned. Thus far, I have not let these concerns confine me to home and I have not had any adverse encounters whatsoever.

I live in a rural community in the lake country. While I know there is a small, antisocial subset in this area, I think that element tends to congregate in places I would never go. Most of the people around here seem genuinely friendly and more inclined to keep their opinions to themselves. Most have better things to occupy their time than worrying about the possibility of transgender people in their midst.

[Natalie5004]

The extremes make the headlines on both side of the discussion.

If you ignore that, you should feel comfortable going out and about and let 99% of the public pass you by. They will not react to you, even if they think you are a Trans person.

Remember you have rights and every right to go anywhere you want to go.

[TheHiddenMe]

To quote Dickens: "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times."

Society has never been more accepting of LGBT+ folks. It shows in every survey, like approval of same sex marriages. Up substantially from 2015 and the Obergfell Supreme Court decision.

So do you know why some are making their agenda to be anti LGBT Because they know they are losing ground in public opinion and that is a way they can keep their base riled up. Because they KNOW they are losing the battle. Young people are more accepting, and the people who are less accepting are dying off (especially if they refused to get vaccinated for COVID, because those with an agenda told them not to). Church attendance is down, because young people don't want to be evangelicals anymore in larger and larger numbers.

Am I concerned? Absolutely not.

In the last two weeks I flew pretty to Raleigh, NC, spent four days running around there dressed, went to a Bruce Springsteen concert with probably 15,000 dressed (and in a dress, contrary to most of the female attendees), stood in line with the others for the ladies restroom (by myself), shopped with my friend, went to dinner, etc. I didn't get harassed once. On the other hand, I got compliments for my booties, my tights, and my dress (from five different people), and one woman walked up to me at the airport and said to me "you look very nice."

As to going to malls, yes they are safe. Do you want to know why? There is no one in them. I was at a Nordstrom yesterday in St. Louis and the whole store had probably more staff than shoppers.

Again, it has never been more safe to be a LGBT+ person (assuming you are not involved in the sex trade, which has always been risky).

[ShawnaL]

I am more concerned than in years past. While statistics show that transgender women and men are more than four times likely than cisgender people to be victims of violent crime (Source: UCLA School of Law - Williams Institute), the OVERALL trend of violent sex and sexually harassing crime is ever-climbing. In a study by the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), the study showed that 1 in 5 women have experienced actual rape or an attempted rape in her lifetime and 81% of the women surveyed said that they had suffered some form of sexual harassment or assault.

So, aside from the fact of having to be concerned about some overzealous "knuckle dragger" as Aunt Kelly so appropriately described, who would assault me for being a transwoman, the rate of assault on ALL women has me very concerned as well. Not just for me, but for my wife, daughters, and granddaughter as well.

With that said, I'm not going to hide at home. I'm going to continue to live my best life - and in doing so, try not to put myself in situations where the odds are against me - as should all crossdressers, transgender women, and cisgender women.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I am also in a DADT relationship with my wife, probably because my wife has the same traditional views as does yours. We have agreed on boundaries that including that she does not see me dressed and that I can't leave the neighborhood dressed.

However, we also agreed that I can go out twice a month. I have a GG friend who lets me transform at her place.

I am also in a trans girls Meetup group and I've often been out in vanilla venues, albeit where us girls outnumbered the "regulars" quite substantially. There have been many times that I've had cordial and interesting conversations , mostly with GGs, but including a group of teenaged GGs from a traveling soccer team.

I do have more concerns going out now then I would have a few years ago. I used to feel that the worst that could happen was that I'd get stared at intensely, but we would "let bygones be bygones" and nothing else would happen.

Now I think that more people are aware of transgender people and they have had time to inform their opinions. I think that there are more people who would feel free to harass Steffi when they were to meet her than before.

That being said, I don't this the increased trans visibility to change going out and about.

But, I have become more aware of the threat environment for GGs of all ages. I take more care to think like a GG when I'm out, for example when I'm returning to my car in a dark parking lot. I have also thought about defensive measures in case of a violent encounter. Even if I look like a girl, I would defend myself as a boy.

[Fiona_44]

Molly,

I am fortunate in that I live in a very liberal part of the country and am very lucky in that my appearance allows me to blend in as a woman. These factors allow me to feel comfortable when I go out even though I sometimes get clocked. I now spend 90% of my time in public en femme and do not see that changing at all.

Fiona

[Georgina]

I hope this is not true. For the first time in over 60 years of dressing I am starting to go out and meet other CDs. I would not want it to be over before it started.

[Just Dana]

I'm just starting on my getting out and about phase, too. Luckily for me, I live in Chicago. I went out to see a friend's band last week and the bathrooms at the bar were labeled Toilets and Urinals. Another place I know has signs along the lines of Boy/Girl/Whatever-Just wash your hands. Neither of these spots are in specifically LGBTQ friendly areas. That's just how it is here. (If anyone is visiting in the next few months, drop me a line if you'd like to go out!)

So, I feel perfectly comfortable going out here, even with all of the recent stuff going on. I would probably be less comfortable in other places. But... As I know from living on the bad side of the "most dangerous city in America," the news you see on TV does not necessarily reflect the truth on the ground for your average person on an average day. There are lots of members of the board who talk about going out in places that probably aren't as friendly as Chicago (see upthread), so I imagine a lot of what we see in the media is a bit overblown (discounting lawmakers passing actual laws) and most people on the internet don't actually act that way in person.

Dana

[Maid_Marion]

There are two of us out at work. Today I wore sheer black thigh highs to go with my black skirt and stretchy white blouse. Skirt fell a little below the knees. Translucent pink nail polish. Curly hair now reaches the middle of my back.

Marion

[Genifer Teal]

I'm in New York City so I have it pretty good as far as acceptance goes. Not perfect but like I said pretty good. With that said things are both better and worse now that we've fought for more rights.
I think the strong arm approached as everyone needs the same acceptance while it might be true.
It's a bit much for the general public to take at once just my opinion and that in and of itself is causing more trouble than I've had in. The past.
Do I need to be concerned? Maybe. am I concerned a little bit? Maybe. What's the real concern? I don't know.
With all that said my advice is what I've always followed for myself. I have a very happy-go-lucky attitude.
I've never argued with anyone regardless of what they say to me about me whatever. I have a running joke. I explained how one time I was walking through Penn station and this guy said look it's a dude bitch. now my reaction would have been.
To probably give him a High 5 and he would have been like what the F? I just insulted you. I would have been like yeah but it. Was kind? Of funny. instead we were walking opposite ways And kept going?
The point is that's my attitude. it rolls off my back.
I'm not gonna fight anyone on my own in The street so I leave it be. pick. Your battles have them at your convenience not random whenever someone else's PO'D about whatever. It's gotten me this far and I've made lots of friends. I'll talk to anyone.

[Sandi Beech]

I have not changed what I do regarding going out crossdressed, but some of attacks as seen in the press are a bit of a concern. As others noted the general population seems ok with us. Of course it only takes one person to make you have a bad day, if you are at the wrong place and wrong time. Even so, I recall a Florida man got killed about 10 years ago because a sinkhole swallowed his house as he slept. I am sure he thought he was safe at home.
Apparently he picked a bad time to be at home.

Personally I am far more worried about a road rage incident than anything else when I go out. People just lose it over nothing these days.

I was particularly bothered by what happened at Club Q and Pulse. Hopefully we will not see anything like that anytime soon. I do not intend to live a sheltered life regardless. It?s the way.

Sandi

[Geena75]

I come from a quiet, rural community, and live there now. Of course, I am concerned about going out. There are places I would simply not go to, some I would, and others I am not sure about. That goes for me whether dressed or in drab mode.

As far as where I would go dressed, I have some simple rules. First and foremost, it cannot be somewhere I frequent drab, or somewhere I am likely to see someone who only knows me drab. Discovery of my 'peculiar pastime' would be very bad. After that hurdle, the second condition is that it be someplace secure and not demonstrably unaccepting. Ideally, it would have been scoped out by a sister. Stores and malls are reasonably good. Restaurants are mostly OK. Bars would require checking out first -- I only know of a couple I trust.

The social climate is changing, but it has the potential of becoming as polarized as politics has become. Extremists on either side of the trans issue are often the noisy ones and consequently get the most publicity regardless of how well they represent the vast majority of moderate folk in between. Honestly, when I see what the extremists are about, I don't agree with either side.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I've often done "recon" when I'm going out to a new venue.

I can just walk around, find the bathrooms and get a feel of the place.

I also use Google maps "street view" to plan where to park and visually scope out the path from parking to the venue.

Remember, YMMV. Except for shopping, I'm usually out with a group of girls like Steffi which gives me some inherent protection in numbers. I've never really been interested in just going for a ride en femme, getting gas for the car or walking around a local park by myself. I'm not saying not to do it, but that I have safer and more interesting outlets for my girl time.

[mbmeen12]

Unfortunately it only takes one person to: spew hate, etc and to ruin the time out. Be safe and head on a swivel. Wingman helps also if possible.

[GretchenM]

I believe it is something to be concerned about, but, in general, it is not something to dread and fear. Just be aware of where you go and the people there.

When I was in therapy 11 years ago and went to group sessions we were taught that if you go out you are presenting yourself as a woman and unless you are very special some will clock you as male. Most won't give a damn. But, as Shawna points out with the excellent data she presented, there is a higher risk of trouble, but the chances are generally pretty slim. We were taught to approach this problem by acting like women and exercising the precautions women use, but increase the protective actions considerably. Don't go to neighborhoods where there is a high crime rate and especially don't go there at night. Go with a friend or even a few friends.

There is a high rate of acceptance of variation among the public - like 60 to 70 percent. But that leaves 30 to 40 percent who are otherwise. It is far better than the past, but that still leaves a lot of people who will at least frown on you and in those there are some that are intolerant and prone to show their intolerance with violence. It is a fact, so don't fool yourself into thinking it is safe. Be wise.

A lot of the negativity is likely from the tendency of autocratic people needing to find a minority to demonize and if the group is quite a ways outside the stereotypical and traditional norm these people desire to bring back to negate the progress we have made then any member of that outside group can become a victim of their intolerance. These people are trying to round up people who will follow them so their ideology can gain strength and support. Sadly, it does work to some extent. But so long as a considerable majority think the other way it is difficult for this intolerant group to gain great traction. This kind of division is usually present in any effort to change the social norms - there are militant transgender people that commit the same intolerance. It is really about power over others - some just think that is the essence of the game of life - competition. Competition is important in social ecology, but quiet cooperation usually wins in the final analysis.

So pick your playground carefully, but keep your wits about you as well. The chances of nothing happening are still far greater than the chances something undesirable will happen, no matter what you look like, act like, or show any kind of difference that somebody thinks is wrong. Crimes against the LGBTQ+ people are on the rise but so is antisemitism as well as just being old and on social security rather than working full time at a job until you drop dead, like it was in the good old days (which weren't so good for those who lived then).

[Heather76]

When I go out dressed (not that often so far), I don't have any concerns about my safety. My primary concern is to not be discovered by any of our friends as the prospect would shatter my wife. That's why I take my dressing out of town to areas where the odds of running into someone we know are extremely slim. Years ago while walking thru O'Hare airport, I ran into a friend who lived over 1,000 miles away. That encounter defied all odds. Those are the kind of odds I try to have wherever I am while dressed. I can handle people looking at me and wondering why that old man is wearing women's clothing. If they say something snarky to a friend they're with, so be it. I don't know them and they don't know me. If that say something nasty/rude to me, my comeback would be something along the lines of "Don't you have more important things in your life to be concerned about that what a total stranger likes to wear?" I try not to go to crowded places; but, I want enough people around so nobody that has a problem with my CDing would decide a physical encounter is called for. You know, if someone thinks getting into a fight with a 77year old crossdresser makes them more macho in the eyes of their friends, there isn't much I can do about it.

[Majella St Gerard]

Everyone should be concerned with their safety at all times, not just when dressed up. Always be aware of your surroundings. That being said, predators prey on the weak. I carry myself with confidence and pride. When I am dressed I project a strong woman. Nobody ****S with me, and if they do I can handle myself in a scrap. I've had men get out of line on occasion, but they soon regret it. I think a lot of people here forget that we are MEN, and sometimes you got to act like one even when you are dressed feminine. Be the lion not the antelope.

[Raychel]

I always was concerned about going out, But with the current times, I definitely am a lot more concerned.
I will not be going out any time soon for sure. probably not in this lifetime.
This seems to be a very accepting area. But with everything going on in this country, I am not taking any chances.

[alwayshave]

I am concerned. Thus when I go out, it's to LQBTQ+ plus venues where the troglodytes are in the minority or to vanilla venues with other girls so there is safety in numbers.

[ShawnaL]

I am concerned. Thus when I go out, it's to LQBTQ+ plus venues where the troglodytes are in the minority or to vanilla venues with other girls so there is safety in numbers.

Besides the safety factor, I love hanging out with the girls!

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

I'm good friends with MANY people who are quite conservative, and by that I mean think Ted Nugent conservative. NONE of them would ever hurt or threaten an innocent person. All are fine with trans/gay/etc folks, they're just not willing to be lectured on pronouns. The worst of them is a family member who will go home and say she saw an "it" today, but still won't say or do anything in front of the CD/trans/whatever person. I've seen trans/CD's out in the world, including at some very manly and/or conservative places, and I've not witnessed any violence or threats, or even taunting. Seriously, you're all safe from the so-called knuckledraggers.

You are NOT safe in situations where you simply aren't safe. If you get attacked in a dark alley it's not because you're wearing a dress, it's because you were dumb enough to walk down a dark alley alone. Don't do dumb things, be aware of where you are and who's around, and be prepared to run or defend yourself, no matter how you're dressed.

[Molly Wells]

Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate the different perspectives. While I do have my concerns I still have and will go out if the opportunity is there and I can be confident of my destination. On the other hand, and part of my concern is with those I know and that know me, if I was to be outed or discovered I suspect the response might be stronger, such as from the wife or someone close.
I am fully aware I can't predict what others will do but it does enter my mind as I make my decisions to embrace my crossdressing and possible consequences.
Hugs,
Molly