Update and (sad) epiphany

[JennyOpalstar1]

Hello sisters.
[This post is somewhat maudlin and kinda ��. Please disregard the 2nd section if you are not inclined]

Been a while...thought I might share an update:

��....a while ago, I found a lovely CD+ blog/website that I have recently rejoined.

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��...I am walking around with my wife and daughter whilst doing the usual Saturday grocery run...full drab with only grey panties on, when a sort-of sad realization came to me. I was pondering the "why do enjoy CD'ing" question, when I started to put 2 and 2 together.
I really enjoy performing on stage...how when you play a role, the "real" you is masked, and you can be that role for a while.
That's when it hit me....I enjoy exploring my femme self because....well...because I don't enjoy being...me.
The life I have forged as Jeff has had up's and down's, but when I sit down and let myself think about it, I cannot tell you what makes me happy...or what satisfactions are in myife...or even what I am ... or what I want...or what I would like to have or do...
(Yes, I know that thinking like that is my Depression rearing its ugly head. No worries, I am aware of it. I know that my A.D.D. brain will eventually forget this feeling and replace it with the usual white-noise static/cloud.)

<shrug>

TTFN, girls.
Take care of yourselves.
XXOO��❤

Jenny

[ShawnaL]

Hi, Jenny - have you explored the possibility that the femme self you enjoy exploring IS the real you? I felt many of the same things a number of years ago as I began to explore my true self (a deep dive as I called it) ...with the help of a gender therapist, I came to embrace what I knew (suspected) all of my life...in that emotionally and psychologically, I was in fact female. It sounds like talking to someone who can help you sort things out would be beneficial. I wish you the best!
BIG hug!
Shawna

[Sandi Beech]

Life is not always fun and games for most of us. Crossdressing into an alter ego is quite liberating for people like me as the time spent en femme is a total escape from reality. Granted crossdressing has its potential for negatives. For those of us using it as an escape from reality, it can be like walking on the moon at times.

I realize it is quite different for people who view themselves as full time or tran. I am just thinking you might one who enjoys the escape from reality like I do. Just guessing.

Sandi

[Di]

Jenny,
I think I understand Sher felt the same.
She found music and being Sher made her happy and did not have to pretend to be the guy,
Hope you feel you are free to be yourself here .
Explore to find what does make you happy and brings you joy.

[April Rose]

This really hits home for me, Jenny, because at 72 years old, I just started taking A.D.D. meds TODAY. I figured out I had it, because my son was diagnosed with it, and I started reading the literature. It runs in families. I blamed a lot of things on my gender identity issues over the years. Some of it rightly, but others, I am now coming to see were affected by the A.D.D. I also have sleep Apnea, which again has overlapping symptoms.

As I explained to the diagnosing Psychiatrist this all adds up to a Gordian Knot of issues, and THAT is what I have to untangle before I can fully and sensibly deal with just my gender issues.

Oddly enough, for someone who has gone through as much as I have, (the psychiatrist even said "you've been through a lot") I seem to have come through it in an upbeat way. I guess I think of happiness somewhat like growing a garden. You put in a lot of work at first, with little to show for it, then sometime a lot later you surprise yourself at the beautiful space you've created.

I don't want to hijack the thread, but if you are interested in pursuing this further, feel free to PM me.

[Diane P]

Jenny, sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough time. I'm 64, been married twice, divorced once and just discovered my feminine side last Sep after my second wife passed away from pnuemonia in Jul. Until I discovered my feminine side I didn't realize that I had been living sort of a half life. Now I feel whole and complete and am totally happy with myself. loving wearing women's clothes when I can and being under dressed all the time. Hopefully you'll figure who you are and what makes you happy. I'll be praying for you.

[docrobbysherry]

It's like walking a tite rope, Jenny.

R u a man pretending to be a woman for awhile? Or, a woman inside a male body pretending to be a man?

A CD or a trans? That is the question. And, only U have the answer!

[alwayshave]

Jenny, as my screen name states, I always have crossdressed. However, considering crossdressing it allows my to escape from the world where I must be strong and provide to one where I am meeker and just feel pretty. Yes it is an escape that I truly enjoy.

[GretchenM]

In the last 30 to 40 years it has been discovered that this male vs female, masculine vs feminine dichotomy our social standards are so strongly based upon is more an illusion than a reality. There is no such thing as a female brain and a male brain. There are just brains and they are all unique in small ways and almost interchangeable in large ways. That doesn't mean there aren't differences - there are. But our social standards are based mostly on what is perceived as the differences and the vast amount of similarities are simply ignored within our social thinking. We tend to think that males have gender issues more than females. WRONG! Both sexes have gender issues just as commonly. But because of our social expectations females can use gender expressions that are more aligned with their sense of self than males can simply because the social expectations for males are really tight and expectations for modern females are much looser than they used to be. That trend of each being able to dress consistently with what they feel needs to include male standards as well as female standards. Then we can all be who we are without offending someone.

I fully understand what you are feeling as I have felt that for about 7 decades now and it is difficult to deal with. We ask ourselves, "Why can't I be just a normal guy like so many other guys?" The answer lies in redefining what is normal to be aligned more with the biological realities rather than the social ideologies which set up fairly strict standards that are not biology based. Those social standards are based on traditional interpretations that perhaps go back to when humans invented agriculture. They have persisted into the industrial age and now the digital age, but the biology has not really changed.

We are still the incredibly variable and diverse species we have always been and recent archaeological evidence shows that it is very likely that in paleolithic times acceptance of variation was the rule and in stone age cultures today that paleolithic perspective still exists and forms the core of their social structure. Obviously, this is far too complex to go into in a comparatively short post on a forum - there are huge books that have been written on this that are full of evidence that supports the view that we CD's and Trans people are pretty normal variations - not common, but still normal. Normality should never be defined by what is most common in an artificial environment - it will never reflect the reality in the wild environment in the very biological world we evolved in.

The suggestion that perhaps you should see a therapist is actually a very good one. But pick someone who has experience with gender variance. Ten years ago I did that and it made a huge difference because I was taught the tools to deal with the differences I exhibit. It can release yourself from the thinking that you are abnormal and look directly at that which you naturally feel is true about yourself without regard to social expectations. I hated my maleness for nearly 60 years and preferred the comfort in my more female-like aspects. But that created conflict because I was taught "You are not a girl; you are a boy. Be that." Conflict arose in shiploads. Once I realized that boys and girls are not really as different as we are taught they are SUPPOSED to be the fog cleared and I could freely blend the two in very useful ways that other people actually liked and I did too. But it is still difficult because of social standards; however I now know how to deal with those without distorting my own sense of self.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Yes, Many of us are, for a lack of a better term, ESCAPISTS. It's NOT that I do not like the male ME, but I find it both fun and relaxing to ESCAPE "ME" and take an occasional "Vacation from myself". Not only is Marina "not me" but she is a woman too, so not only do I leave my usual worries and stresses behind, but also the Stresses (as you mention "having to be strong", etc.) associated with maleness behind too--- and I also find it FUN to be "pretty". Unlike you, I do like my Male self too, just as I like my home and home town, but it sure feels good to drive down to the coast every now and then. Which I equate my CDing to. Getting out of ME and Into Marina for a while to completely unwind.

I have noticed that there are at least TWO general categories of us CDers. Those of us who CD "To become the REAL ME" and Those of us who CD to "get away from the real ME"--- I Identify with the latter, not because I do not like Male Me, but it is just FUN for the change.

[JennyOpalstar1]

Marina, Gretchen, I really appreciate your perspectives on this issue. (I feel like I owe both of you a bottle of my 6yr old homemade mead now).
To have it explained to me that others are fighting and defining my newly discovered personal issues is SO REASSURING!!!
Such articulate and well-thought-out responses are a true treasure for me on my journey!
I pray that someday I will be able to return the favour with some insight that I have found.

XxooxxoO

Jenny O. (Jennifer Olivia....I've settled on this name name. Yay me!)

[Brianne_bc]

Very interesting post. I think for me its stirctly tactile pleasure. My being on the autism spectrum has gven me the gift of being hypertactile. And womens things just feel good. So today with the blessing of my wife I wear lingerie daily under my boy clothes and at time wear dresses and high heels around the house. I love my male side as well and have had no incling of any surgery or going full time.

[nancy58]

My gosh, girl, get yourself some therapy! Years ago, I felt pretty blah, and my wife noticed. She suggested that I see a therapist, and I did. I dealt with tons of self-judgment, guilt, unresolved resentments over crap that happened in middle school, my inadequacies as a parent, and how to argue with my wife. It may be that the real you is the femme version, or it may be that you have baggage like I did. The bottom line is that you matter. Let's get you some help so you believe it.

[laurenchanning]

I agree with Nancy- counseling is a wonderful thing. It?s made a difference in my life, and improved my relationship with my spouse as well as my relationship with crossdressing. Find a therapist that?s a good fit and live your life.
Lauren

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Very profound thoughts Jenny i couldn't say it better myself

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jenny , Just think if it as having the Best of Both Worlds,

[PantyBoots]

In the last 30 to 40 years it has been discovered that this male vs female, masculine vs feminine dichotomy our social standards are so strongly based upon is more an illusion than a reality. There is no such thing as a female brain and a male brain. There are just brains and they are all unique in small ways and almost interchangeable in large ways. That doesn't mean there aren't differences - there are. But our social standards are based mostly on what is perceived as the differences and the vast amount of similarities are simply ignored within our social thinking. We tend to think that males have gender issues more than females. WRONG! Both sexes have gender issues just as commonly. But because of our social expectations females can use gender expressions that are more aligned with their sense of self than males can simply because the social expectations for males are really tight and expectations for modern females are much looser than they used to be. That trend of each being able to dress consistently with what they feel needs to include male standards as well as female standards. Then we can all be who we are without offending someone.

Right on, Gretchen. I totally agree.