If they went away, would you try and get the feelings back?

[CharlotteCD]

I'm somewhat empty of feelings at the moment, which is very much related to my depression. I'm absent in my relationship thanks to my wife's attitude towards intimacy, and feel very similar about my job, despite it being something I really enjoy and like my potential progression.

It's also affected my outlook on Charlotte's existence. I just feel ridiculous when I look in the mirror, and look at my body type and know I would never pass, and it's demoralising.

It's for these reasons that I don't have any desire to crossdress. I'm wearing knickers right now in bed, and will sleep in them overnight, but feel nothing.

I will wear a satin chemise and nightdress all evening tomorrow, and I know I will feel nothing.

But, I want to.

Why? I guess I miss Charlotte, no matter how bad I feel about her.




If you felt like this, or your feelings were gone, would you want them back, despite the complexity it can cause you?

[Karren H]

Yes I would and yes I have! My obsessions tend to fade away due to my medical conditions and I typically can correct the situation sufficiently that the mood comes back, some times with a vengeance! Lol.

[mykell]

hi charlotte, big o'll vitual hug coming your way through life ive felt i had quit.... it always came back....."never purge" they say here.

dating.....after marriage....children....it always reared its head and the bug bit back.

focus on your relationship and whats important for you in life.....sometimes it gets to be like a roller-coaster with not so fun ups @ downs.

keep your chin up....its not so much if....its when....

[Diane P]

Charlotte I understand you are questioning everything at this moment due to your depression. My wife and I were married for 28 years, prior to her passing last Jul. The last few years intimacy wasn't much of an option due to her Rhuematoid Arthritis and bad knees, among other things. We still loved each other very much and enjoyed doing things together.

From 2016 to my retirement after my wife passed, I worked as a software engineer. Worked for two different companies. During the last three years, with my second company, I got moved around to four different projects. It got to the point where I was wondering if it was worth going to work. So after my wife passed I retired, because my reason for working had been to take care of her and provide for her.

I underdressed for the better part of the last 20 years, started fully dressing after my wife passed. Looking at your avatar and then at mine. I'm certain if the two of us were out together you would have the much better chance of passing than I do. I'm your typical 64 year old male who is pretty much sedentary, so I tend to have a gut that is hard to hide.

Try to hang in there girlfriend. We'd miss you around here if you gave up being Charlotte.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm currently trying to get the feelings back!! It went away, I took a break. I wondered if I'd ever dress again. Trying to get the feeling back was/is deliberate. Although I've had times when feeling waxed and waned, it's never been gone like it was. I could've walked away entirely and not suffered from it. I think I still could.

I missed the thrills and excitement for sure, but that's not the whole reason I wanted to get it back. Having been without it, I can definitely say doing this makes me a better person. Happier, of course, and that's part of it, but just better. I don't know that it's detectable to anyone but me. It seems a little "out there" to say that I look at the world differently, interact with people differently, handle difficult situations differently if I have this "home base" to come back to, but I can feel it. Seems strange to say, but it's worth a serious effort, a physical effort, to get it back.

I've been out quite a bit lately. Some of those times I had to just force myself to do it. Even when I was "doing it", I was not feeling it. I'm relatively certain that I'll never get back to where I was at my peak. I don't need to. What I need is to have that familiar home base that's been there my whole life. I'm getting there, and I'm steadily working on it.

[docrobbysherry]

I lost my desire to dress a few months after joining CD.com. But, after 3 months it returned. I'm so sorry you're down in the dumps, Charlotte. But, maybe when you're free to dress again that will pick up your spirits?

I was so depressed after my ex and I split up, I think dressing helped me get by. Then, Sherry showed up and my life blossomed in ways I never imagined! And, none of that would have happened if I'd stayed married to someone that didn't love me anymore.

And, our split had NOTHING to do with my dressing!

[Maria 60]

Well I'm not going to lie when saying for me it does come in waves. I noticed more when stressed with work or the family that the problems distract the dressing. I usally don't dwell on it and try to say let nature take its course. Not looking into to much and not pushing the dressing and kind of following the gut just to say. Maybe take a break and let it take its course. No matter what you decide try to keep us updated and in the loop.

[Suzie Petersen]

Depression is tough! I am very sorry that you are not doing well at the moment Charlotte, and I hope that you are looking into getting some help with it, be that medication or therapy, or both. There is a way out of this, but you may not be able to find it on your own.
I sometimes think I am depressed because it just seems like everything is going the wrong way for me, nomatter how hard I try. But I have seen how bad depression can be in family very close to me, and I realize that I am nowhere near that. I am maybe just worried.

I am certainly no therapist or medical professional, so don't put any more into the following than you want to, but think about it. I find it helpful to look for small "easy" successes, something you can accomplish without it requiring much. For instance, when you wake up in the morning, look for something that should be done, no matter how insignificant it is. Do the dishes, organize some things on a shelf, put some paperwork away that has been sitting on your desk. When you have a good day, you can even take a little time to make a list of some of those easy little projects so you have something to chose between on "a rainy day".
At the end of the day, try not to think about all the bad things that happened, or the things that didn't go as you wanted, but think of those few little things you did accomplish.

My desire to dress has been with me since childhood. Over the years it has developed and it has come and gone to some degree. I can not control the desire and the thoughts about it, but I have found that I am able to chose not to act on the desire if I have to. I have done that a number of times during military service and other deployments where it was just not possible, but, I could not help thinking about it, and it doesn't take much to trigger the thought in me.

To answer your question: If the feelings went away and I suddenly did not get triggered anymore. If I was able to see a pretty woman without instantly thinking about dressing in a similar way and trying to figure out how I could emulate her look and presentation. Would I actively work on getting those desires back? No, I would not!

I enjoy this immensely, don't get me wrong, but it has cost me a lot over the years! Lost time with my wife and kids, with friends and family, missed opportunities to explore a visited city or a nature area, time I could have spent with colleagues during work trips, all where I instead chose to lock myself into a hotel room, or some other place where I could be alone and undisturbed for some hours, just to get my "Girl Fix".

I am not transsexual, I am "just" a crossdresser and I do not have to dress and present as a woman to be true to my core. I get pleasure from dressing, but it is not a matter of life or death as it is for some. I know it is frowned upon to call this a hobby, but that's kinda' what it feels like to me ... I think. It is something I do because I enjoy it, and get pleasure from it, and the desire can be overwhelming at times, but I do not need to transition.

But if I could chose for it to go away, I would.

I guess I should have taken the Blue Pill!

- Suzie

[kimdl93]

For the moment, I think you are asking the wrong question. It does not matter how any of us may respond to your question. All that matters is that you are dealing with depression and depression inevitably skews your perspectives on yourself and the world around you. Depression impacts upon everything.

So, the real question you need to ask yourself is how are you going to work your way out of the depressive state. I am sure your therapist has explained the steps of cognitive behavioral therapy. This is work you have to do, processes you have to practice throughout every day. You can linger where you are, but sooner or later, you know you have to get back to work on the process of pulling yourself out of the depressive state.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Charlotte

Im think I can empathize with you. While I can say that I've been diagnosed as "clinically depressed", I have been taking some type of antidepressant for years now. My crossdressing has always been a fun escape for me, but it's been less fun lately. It seems like it's almost more work to get dressed and go out than it is worth. But I just came back from 5 days at Keystone and it was absolutely wonderful from beginning to end.

I'm been going through a rough patch lately, in particular with my wife's medical problems. I went to my psych on Thursday and she added a new antidepressant into the mix. This one is supposed to boost my serotonin. And anyone who has seen the movie "Legally Blond" knows, "Exercise gives you serotonin; serotonin makes you happy. I hope my psych and Elle Woods are both correct.

In short, see a doctor. Depression is a treatable (mental) illness.

[mbmeen12]

I found de-coupling from social media to start. I was noticing even though retired, certain platforms triggered unhealthy feelings etc. As to your particular situation, maybe seeing a professional/s. I'm in a low now too, but I figured so what, just thinking about it added stress. Hope this helps....

[Helen_Highwater]

I know this is not likely but what you could be experiencing with your dressing is what I'll call "normalisation".

The longer you dress, the more often you dress, then that thrill, that little bit of adrenalin rush subsides. For me dressing has become largely just like any GG dressing, this is what I wear when circumstances permit.

I sleep in a chemise most nights. There's no excitement to it, it's what I sleep in. If for instance we go on holiday and I need to sleep in drab stuff, upon my return there's no longer any great feeling of excitement when once again putting on my femme sleepwear.

It's a bit like for many of us who dressed through puberty, there was often a sexual element accompanying our dressing that might have expressed itself as self pleasuring at the end. This subsides for most of us. We normalise dressing into our lives. Excitement is exchanged for comfortable, comfortable in who we are.

[SaraLin]

If you felt like this, or your feelings were gone, would you want them back, despite the complexity it can cause you?

(second try - didn't like the first one)
A slightly different perspective...

My feelings, my passions, my zest for life are gone. I live in a constant state of mild depression. For now, at least, I'm not trying to get them back.

Why?

Many of the things I had strong feelings about (e.g. becoming a 'real' girl) are simply impossible, and my pursuit of them only led to disappointment, emotional pain, and marital difficulties.

There's a saying that goes something like: "It feels so good when I stop bashing my head against a wall. That's why I do it!"
I guess I've stopped (mostly). Yeah, the depression is a constant dull ache - but It feels better than "bashing my head."

I'm afraid (there, I've said it!) that if I get past the depression, I might once again find myself risking the pain - and yes, the loneliness, since my S.O. would likely bail out if I tried pursuing my feminine callings any further.

[alwayshave]

Charlotte, I have gone through bouts of depression where my desire to dress has abated. However, when my depression has ended my desires have returned.

[GretchenM]

I don't think I would actively try to create the feelings unless the lack of those feelings was producing negative side effects - like feeling depression. But I also realize that if the feelings go away it is because something has changed and is blocking their turning on. So I would try to figure out what the blockage is and correct that. One can get depressed because you don't feel Her presence but it can also be that depression is blocking the generation of the feelings. It is important to know which is the case and correct that.

If the lack of the feelings is creating depression then pushing to force the feelings will not correct the depression and doing that can make the depression worse. Like you, I feel that sometimes and have found it useful to figure out exactly what is really pulling my mood down and work on that. Depression can have very precise triggers and if one takes care of the trigger factor then the depression declines.

[Melindatv61]

I know this is not likely but what you could be experiencing with your dressing is what I'll call "normalisation".

The longer you dress, the more often you dress, then that thrill, that little bit of adrenalin rush subsides. For me dressing has become largely just like any GG dressing, this is what I wear when circumstances permit.

I sleep in a chemise most nights. There's no excitement to it, it's what I sleep in. If for instance we go on holiday and I need to sleep in drab stuff, upon my return there's no longer any great feeling of excitement when once again putting on my femme sleepwear.

It's a bit like for many of us who dressed through puberty, there was often a sexual element accompanying our dressing that might have expressed itself as self pleasuring at the end. This subsides for most of us. We normalise dressing into our lives. Excitement is exchanged for comfortable, comfortable in who we are.

Helen that makes a lot of sense, totally agree with you. I wear similar for bed too and don't give it a second thought. But if it's not there I miss it . Thankyou.

[ShawnaL]

Hi, Charlotte - and hoping a beautiful Saturday morning to you!

I cannot directly respond to your question, because for me, I dress because the type of clothes I wear are what everyday women wear. I've always identified as a woman, so I really don't even look at it like I'm wearing women's clothes - but rather - I am wearing MY clothes. With that said, I can absolutely relate to periods of depression and the seriousness of living life without searching out the cause(s) and taking steps to eliminate it / them. In my unprofessional opinion, Gretchen is absolutely correct when she said that something has likely changed in your life, and when you figure out what that something is, and course-correct (my term), you may be surprised at how much better you'll feel about ALL the aspects of your life. I wish you all the best on whatever wonderful journey life has in store for you. You are a beautiful person - no matter how you choose to present yourself!
HUGS! Shawna

[CharlotteCD]

Thanks for the responses everybody, for the positivity, and for the thought provoking comments.

I know what my blockages and "issues" are at the moment, and they are fairly simple on the surface, but more complex when you actually look closely.

I'm actively considering how to go about separating myself from my current life, what it would look like, how it would impact people, and what I need to make it a reality.

I think this plays on the dressing side of things. I don't want to spend money on femme clothing because I think of that money as being something that could be spent on a place for myself, and the time is time I could spend on my job, or investments etc.

Life is never easy.

[Sometimes Steffi]

CHarlotte

I think I understand where you're coming from.

There are times that I consider "separating myself from my current life (specifically my wife)", but the impact on her and other people is currently too great.

There are bad days where I get on the Internet and search for the cost of renting an apartment, but that's more of a response due to frustration rather than something realistic.

Please don't tell my wife that I said this.

I guess we understand that this kind of revelation is even harder to reverse than outing ourselves to our spouses.

Good luck on your decision-making process.

[kimdl93]

?I'm actively considering how to go about separating myself from my current life, what it would look like, how it would impact people, and what I need to make it a reality?

Do not do this. I urge you to deal with your depression as a separate and unique issue, rather than as a byproduct of dissatisfaction with any aspect of your life. Learn to manage and/or resolve your depressive state and the world, its limitations and opportunities, and your relationships will all look differently. That does not mean that all your problems will evaporate once your depression is managed, but it will mean that your perceptions and reality will be more closely aligned.

[TheHiddenMe]

If my desire to dress, which has been with me for almost 60 years, was to go away, I would immediately suspect some type of medical issue that is impacting me, and I would need to find out what that condition was.

[Mermaiden]

There is a lot of thoughtful advice here, better than about any advice column. We?re lucky to have each other on this forum.
Charlotte, I can see you are reaching out and trying to deal with your life and depression and that is a good sign. I wish you the best as you get through this. My advice is don?t worry about the CD for now. I feel confident it will find you again in life.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Not really. As it is a lot of trouble. Finding the right time and place, being careful around the "wrong types of people" and especially the makeup removal and resuming normal Male mode. Indeed, once I get my CD "fix" I don't have the feelings for a week or more (until they come back). And WITH the feelings, all the "troubles" are certainly "worth it" and FUN. But if I didn't have the feelings I would not bother with CDing. I would have OTHER fun things I could do.

[CDMargret]

Hi. For me they never come, go or waiver. It's like a constant ringing in my ears to dress. When dressed it still ringing. I think that part is the desires to be out in public fully dressed just being me.

[Beano980]

I second what Kim said. Take care of your self and treat the depression first. Only once that fog has lifted will you be able to see anything in the proper perspective and make healthy decisions. I am lucky in that I have not struggled with depression, but I have have close friends who have. When the depression is there, nothing seems possible. Nothing. Not even getting started working on the depression. I hope you are able to work with a professional to get some help. My heart goes out to you in the struggle.
As for the other question, if my crossdressing desires were to magically go away, I would not wish them to return. I think life would be easier. I too look in the mirror sometimes and feel ridiculous. Then comes the good 'ol catholic guilt and all the negative self talk. Can cause quite a spin out sometimes.