This is another chapter in getting my mojo back... I think.
I'm headed out tomorrow for another work trip. Driving distance, one day of work and extending the hotel stay another couple of nights to do my thing by myself, and that's the way I want it. Just like the old days. I've been out quite a bit lately. Honestly, I could still take it or leave it.
I've also been shopping a lot. They've closed the Goodwill changing rooms around here, and that has resulted in me accumulating some clothes that I would have probably tried on and put back. Kind of funny that given all that shopping, the most flattering thing I've bought is a $20 long sundress from Sam's!
These adventures are different than they used to be for me. I certainly can't pass nearly as well. I'm not sure I pass at all anymore. What I have found is, the less I try to pass, the less it matters to me if I don't. I also realize that if I wore exactly what I want to wear it would fall somewhere short of what most of us would consider full-on crossdressing. Every stitch of clothing would be women's, but I'd come across as a feminine male and not a crossdresser. That may seem like a fine line, and it may depend on who judges that, but in this forum you probably get the point. I'm not quite ready for total man-in-a-dress mode, but that may be a fine line, too. One thing is for sure, I'm not 25, or 35, or even 55 anymore. That ship has sailed, and if I'm going to continue to do this thing I'm going to have to get used to some realities.
I've started thinking about the things I LOVE and focusing on that instead of focusing on passing. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to pass, but... the ship thing, you know! Start with nail polish. I do that frequently in total male mode, so that's a given. It's the thing that survived even during and through the absence of any desire to dress. Makeup. Not full-on glam, but not invisible "guy" makeup. Just makeup that I think looks good on me, even in male mode. Flattering clothes. Frankly, I'm a little tired of leggings and oversize tops that have been my go-to in male and female mode for a long time. No getting away from the fact that I find them flattering, but I'm getting a little bored with it. Leaning toward capris now, and maybe even my Sam's dress. Heels. I've worn heels as a guy quite a bit. There's a line somewhere where heels come across as trying too hard. I'm not sure where that line is, and I'm probably on the wrong side of it sometimes. I LOVE them in certain situations, but I'm okay with toning it down a bit. My new thing (as if there's anything new at my age) is jewelry. I've owned and worn plenty, but it was never really my thing. Give me pair of big hoops and some bangles and I'm good. A while back I found a pearl necklace that I inherited from my mother that ignited some interest in jewelry, and I've bought quite a bit lately trying to find some other style other than hoops and bangles. But, big hoops in male mode are cool! Although I've worn them in male mode, it's still up in the air if I can pull it off now. When I had long hair it was easy. Right now they fall into that "trying too hard" category for me when I look in the mirror. I'd like to get to where I'm comfortable with that in some less-than-totally-crossdressed mode (no wig). Some of that comes down to getting used to it. Wigs. Still don't like them. I'm not as opposed to them as I used to be, and I even wore one in male mode several times, but it still seems to be the one item that crosses some kind of line. Depends on the wig, I guess. Although I'm taking a wig on this trip, I'm leaning toward not wearing it. That obviously could change.
Too fine of a point this crossdressing vs. fem male thing? To me, not at all. If you're OK with being a fem male, your choices widen dramatically. Pick one thing you like, all at once, or any combination. It's a pretty freeing concept, really. I don't claim to be quite that free spirit that can pull that off with aplomb. Wish I was. I'm trying to get as comfortable with going part way, a little or a lot, as I used to be going all in. I think it's more acceptable now to be a male wearing any combination of the above. You'd certainly be recognizable, and that's a problem for some of us. I've done a bit of all of it at times, but I never thought about it being more-or-less the destination. I never thought of it as being who I am. At least for right now, I'm not so sure it's not. Of course, that could change before the weekend even gets here!
Another thing that has changed for me that I think influences this thinking is I occasionally see guys doing this. My role models used to be exclusively women. Now, not necessarily. We've all seen the guys at Ulta, Sephora, etc. in full makeup. We've all seen guys wearing nail polish and even long acrylics. No need in going through the whole list. The point is that none of these things are exclusively female at this point. At my age I can't pull that off as well as most of the guys I see doing it. At my age it can all look like trying too hard. I think if I do it right, though (whatever that is) I can still pull it off in an attractive way (read: not clownish). It is downright inspiring to me to see the young guys who so openly and freely flout flout gender norms. It's not just the guys who work at the makeup counters. My tax lady has an office upstairs at a mall and I was there a couple of months ago when the mall employees were coming to work. I was surprised by the number of guys carrying purses (not man bags).
I usually think the headline-grabbing trans issues do us more harm than good. What I think is typically positive is the (mostly) young guys who deal with the public who have the courage to do their thing. I used to see a young guy at a busy retail customer service counter who had attractive feminine shoulder-length hair and long polished acrylic (or something) nails. He dealt with all ages, all walks of life. He was invariably nice, helpful, and knowledgeable. Undoubtedly he encountered a lot of people that didn't like it, but I bet it was a rare individual that didn't come away with a better impression than they started off with. That's the kind of thing that helps us all!
Anyway, we'll see how it goes this weekend. Mostly I'm just looking forward to the time away.
You will become stronger in the ways of the Pink Fog. May the Pink Fog guide you and be with you now and forever.
Originally Posted by Rhonda Jean
