Vent...this is not how I thought things would go

[Sandi Beech]

You already have what I consider excellent advice, especially from the GGs. Just thought I would add something. When we went to a counselor, it was my wife?s opinion that the goal was to find out what was wrong with me. She could not have been more wrong. The counselor gave my wife a homework assignment to look up crossdressing. Granted it backfired in my case because my wife refused to go back. But there you have an example of how the counselor tries to not take sides against the CD.

As for the manly activities. I look at it like this. I mow the lawn with a push mower in hot weather as it helps me lose weight which improves my figure and legs. So it is not a negative thing. The main thing I try to avoid is working on engines as that can mess up my nails.

If nothing else, it sounds like it would help you to talk about it to someone. I think a counselor might help you. You will not know unless you give it a try and you can quit if it is not working for you.


Sandi

[Emi]

Today is a perfect example of what I am struggling with.

My wife got up and went into work, which stinks.

So I drove to our cabin and now instead of mowing the lawn here I sit in thigh highs, knee high boots, jean skirt, bra and top, and Iris Illusion on my nails. I feel great and guilty at the same time..I..

When she left I asked when she'd be home and she said hopefully by noon. I said hopefully I feel like doing something by noon to which she responded that there's nothing wrong with that.

Emi

[Rhonda Jean]

I was very resistant to going to counseling. For the record, I did not and do not agree with the therapist's opinion that I'm TS. I actually agreed to go because I wanted the therapist to tell my wife this was something I could control or even stop. The opposite occurred.

Very unexpectedly though, when I started going (twice a week in the beginning) and started talking, I couldn't stop. I talked about things that I'd never told ANYBODY. Even at twice a week it seemed like an eternity between appointments. The more I talked, the more I thought of that I needed to talk about. There was not much discussion. Mostly she just let me talk, or maybe she couldn't get a word in edgewise. I had no idea I had so much to say, and so much that needed to get out. The therapeutic aspect wasn't in the feedback or diagnosis I got, it was in the unloading, the talking.

I didn't put it on my insurance because I didn't want anybody to find out and I didn't want there to be a traceable record. It was worth every penny. You're probably a logical person, and the idea that you need to unload a bunch of stuff just by talking to a stranger kind of flies in the face of logic. I think that most of us don't get to the point where you are or where I was without some significant baggage. You've probably never had anybody you can fully open up to about it. I was shocked at how much was I had been carrying around, and equally shocked at how much relief I felt when I simply talked about it.

You can get some of that effect from participating on this forum. I certainly have and continue to. But, there are things I don't talk about even on the forum. I've gone much deeper in PMs. Some of this stuff is too personal to reveal even on a forum of mostly like-minded people. I'm often uncomfortable on the public sections of the forum. Don't discount the value of opening up. It's powerful medicine.

[docrobbysherry]

When I first came here many years ago, I was LOADED with guilt and shame, Emi!

The girls here explained how nothing I was doing was wrong or hurting anyone. And, I took their words to heart. However, it still took me years to get rid of those crippling feelings!

But, I finally have! So, u can, too!

However, I still feel some guilt when I dress up instead of cleaning the garage.

But, since I live alone now I seem to get past that!

[ColleenA]

Today is a perfect example of what I am struggling with. ... I drove to our cabin and now instead of mowing the lawn here I sit in thigh highs, knee high boots, jean skirt, bra and top, and Iris Illusion on my nails. I feel great and guilty at the same time..I..
Emi

Emi, I am curious how much you have ever been able to dress this way. If you have recently been able to do more than ever before, I have to wonder whether the pendulum may be taking a hard swing from one side to the other, having been held back for so long. If so, I would suggest you might want to give yourself permission to indulge this for a while (within some sense of reason, however). If this side of you has been starved most of her life, let her feel some freedom. I can't promise it, and I can't say how long it will take, but after some time, this need may start to settle down. You can then give her a more balanced place in your life.

I too recommend finding a counselor - even if you have to go a ways from your small community to feel safer. As so many here have indicated, don't go in with an expectation of what it will be. If that's your thinking, I would guess you have the old-school idea that counseling is for the weak. I have gone to counseling a few times in my life, the two main ones being as I went through my divorce and when one of my children talked about suicide in their teens. It was a big help when I did need it, but after a time, it had served its purpose. At the time, though, it provided a way to keep things in balance.

Additionally, let me second what Jamie (alwayshave) said - as you're going through some major life changes at this time, keep in mind that your wife is as well. Facing the "empty nest" time brings a lot of concerns - which we tend to give great attention to - but a new set of opportunities, also. I certainly hope your marriage is a strong one, but no matter what, this is a time when you need each other for strength. You talk here about your issues with Emi time - appropriate for this forum - but I would bet that you have other concerns also. And can you name what issues your wife has weighing on her? Now is when you need to be the husband she can turn to. And I don't mean just for mowing the lawn and chopping wood. I think it is possible that you can integrate aspects of Emi with "Joe" (or whoever) in ways that help her get through what's coming. You each have your own lists of what you need help with. By working as a team, you can better achieve (what's the word I keep coming back to?) - balance.

Oh, and one recommendation ... When you get to the cabin, mow the lawn and do some other outside chores right away. Then you can reward yourself with a nice leisurely, scented bath or shower before getting all dolled up.
FWIW

[Emi]

Please keep up the suggestions everyone. I feel this funk I am in is multi-faceted. Emi is hanging around I feel mostly due to the stressors I am experiencing which also include work.

Couple this with my wife now knowing about me it has taken the fear of being caught away. While she doesn't want to see or be apart of it there is a ton more freedom in knowing that if I am pushing the time limits and the door opens there's no wondering why I dashed into a room and changed (this hasn't happened). I guess what I'm saying is that I can be Emi with more freedom than ever.

This may speak to your point Colleen and I hadn't considered it.

We talked a little last night about where I'm at. She suggested finding a new activity to take my mind off of things. I explained that the only activity my mind defaults to is my "other" personality.

I know things will find an equilibrium at some point and I do appreciate you all talking this through with me.

Emi

[ColleenA]

Emi, Warm hugs to both you ladies.

[CarlaWestin]

Today is a perfect example of what I am struggling with.

My wife got up and went into work, which stinks.

So I drove to our cabin and now instead of mowing the lawn here I sit in thigh highs, knee high boots, jean skirt, bra and top, and Iris Illusion on my nails. I feel great and guilty at the same time..I..

When she left I asked when she'd be home and she said hopefully by noon. I said hopefully I feel like doing something by noon to which she responded that there's nothing wrong with that.

Emi

Your issues are only about you and have nothing to do with CD or mowing a lawn.
Had to read in and figure out what the issue was. Your disclosure to your wife actually fell into the acceptance categorie so by all means,
celebrate that you didn't get the full divorce and get out of my house routine.

"I know things will find an equilibrium at some point and I do appreciate you all talking this through with me."

Things do find their proper perspective after their star appearance. As DADT is the comfort zone here, my life with wife never even entertains the invite of double entendre.
It simply doesn't exist in our world together because, although Carla and all the fun is a big part of me, there's no place for it with us.
A nice challenging mind exercise is avoid using the word "I" when writing. Plus it sounds less desperate.
Have some flowers and dinner when she gets home from work. Listen to how her day went.

[nancy58]

I can sympathize, but it's not solely a crossdressing issue. Our only daughter graduated from university in 2018, and I foolishly believed we would get to go traveling, but Life had other plans. Instead of becoming world travelers, my wife and I have worked on our relationship, helping each other out through the pandemic, loss of a parent, dealing with the ravages of dementia on another parent, etc. While I dearly want to go exploring, I'm not sure I would trade the experience of having each other's back for more travel.

[sometimes_miss]

First, I doubt there is any woman/wife who can truly understand what we, ourselves, cannot understand. <snip>

Perhaps the biggest hurdle, is overcoming the reluctance to accept the 'awful, horrible, most terrible thing ever', that a man isn't the 'all male, all masculine all the time, he-man, the guy who virtually all of us grew up believing that we had to be, because being 'girly' in any way was the worst thing a boy could ever be, because that's what we were told when we were growing up. Even today, boys and men are ridiculed for any feminine behavior; athletic coaches, drill sergeants, and even many parents (both mothers and fathers), friends and siblings, will use female pronouns or fem adjectives (sissy, or worse, p***y or other snide words) as insults in order to coerce boys to 'man up' and do what they want him to do, and 'be a man', like they feel we should be.
We even see it here, when people seemingly desperately try to remove themselves from anything that might define them as 'less than all man', by referring to themselves in third person, as if it's 'not the real me'; even THEY can't accept that they aren't what they think they must be.
So it's no surprise that the women in our lives don't want to accept that we're 'not the man she married', but a man with more feminine personality bits than she wants to tolerate. It goes deep; our sexual attraction is based on most often subconscious clues as to what the target of our affections, is, gender wise. Destroy the image of the 'manly man' and replace that with a cute guy in a dress, and the attraction can easily be gone; and once the sexual attraction is gone so can the feelings of romantic love, and that's potentially the end of the relationship as they knew it. Having a spouse who has lost the romantic desire, and only leaving 'but I still love him, but now it's like a brother instead of a mate'. So it's no small wonder, why so few can, or even want to, understand... because it destroys a lot of how our world 'works', for us, and our mates.