Vent...this is not how I thought things would go

[Emi]

I didn't ask for this. I truly believe that other personality in me is a huge contributor in how I have gotten to this point in life but....
With one child away at college and essentially independent and another ready to leave I pictured a whole different me (us). I was not prepared for the life stresses that ultimately lead to me having to come out to my wife.
While she is sympathetic of my situation she will be the first to say she'll never understand.
This is the first spring I can remember where I could not set myself aside to address the husband tasks at hand. I think there are many other issues contributing to this but it's very frustrating.
Please forgive me for the useless post but I'm hoping putting this out there that I can find a little solace.

Emi

[Maid_Marion]

In my case, my feminine side is extroverted so I'm able to ask help from my neighbors.
It helps that I contribute to the neighborhood by providing a gorgeous flower garden!

I try to keep on top of things by doing at least one chore a day. Today I had my driver's license renewal taken care of!

Marion

[Rhonda Jean]

Sometimes the most value in a post is in writing it. I write a lot that I delete. Just writing it was enough.

You've got a lot of life changes going on. This too shall pass. Really.

[Crissy 107]

I agree with Rhonda Jean, This too shall pass is correct. Go slow break things down as you go forward.
Of course your wife does not understand, none of our wives do either nor do we.

Marion, Of course you did did a gorgeous community flower garden, that is the way you are.

[Mary Loo]

Emi,

While I can certainly empathize with the feeling that this isn’t what I thought things would be, and my wife is still VERY concerned about what the future us will be (regarding escalation and family/friends, public discovering anything, though even her worst fears are situations that are normal for many in here). I have to say that I am not sure I completely follow your point or what you are apologizing for.

Granted, I myself, have probably not explained myself very well in this or other posts or conveyed the ideas that I was trying to. In our own minds our posts are perfectly clear, but I realize everyone isn’t in my head and may not be connecting the dots that I am trying to lay out. Again, I believe I am likely very empathetic to your situation and may be very similar, but I wasn’t quite sure of your points.

I post this only to maybe get some clarification and consequently even more solace for you.

[docrobbysherry]

Emi, I read your vent header and post. It made me curious. How DID u think things would go?

[Helen_Highwater]

Emi,

I wouldn't fret it too much. With the kids moving on even without your coming out to your wife, the dynamic of the household is changing.

I've always been Mr. Fixit. I'd tackle any job around the home large or small. Retirement had the same effect on me as you're experiencing. The motivation fell away but I learned to manage it. Now instead of going full bore, perhaps getting a job done in day, it now takes me three.

We change as we age, go with the flow.

[kimdl93]

I am sorry you are experiencing some distress. Have you considered seeking some counseling?

[GretchenM]

It appears that you are at the point where major changes occur in most people's lives and they can be challenging. It was a long time ago for me, but it is hard to forget when the chicks left the nest. It got pretty crazy at times. The best solution is to take it one day at a time, step by step - the same as the advice of others.

It can be very difficult for our mates to try and understand what is going on with us. Perhaps explore what is the minimum that you require to keep the dysphoria demons at bay. Share those thoughts with her but don't pressure her. Conversations that focus on feelings is much better than focusing on what appear to be facts. In time you may find a combination that works for most all of the time leaving only the times when dysphoria and needs rise to a higher level. It is not an either/or situation for most gender variant people even though at times it seems that way. You, far more likely than not, are a blend of thoughts and actions that are more typical male mixed with a lot of thoughts and actions that are more typical of females.

It was very confusing for my wife at first, but now she has seen it has a lot of advantages. She has a husband she can share womanly feelings with to some degree but also has the man she married - just don't focus on one or the other as being the norm and expecting that to prevail. We are not configured that way. It has turned out to be a higher level of understanding each other. But that did not come overnight.

[alwayshave]

Emi, my take on your wife not understanding, that is understandable. The vast majority of wives don't understand. Also, consider if your last child is getting ready to leave, your wife is dealing with impending empty nest issues.

[Emi]

Thank you all for the support, I will try and clarify what my thoughts and feelings on this are when I get home. For some reason my phone keeps deleting my text.

Emi

[Suzie Petersen]

Emi,
As for your "phone deleting your texts":
Make sure you check the "Remember me" box when you log in.
Also, for me at least, if I edit posts on my phone I often see the entire post being deleted for some reason.

- Suzie

[DianeT]

It's a bug in the forum engine. I signaled it in the technical help forum. Since a few weeks, if you edit a post in Mobile mode (I'm using an iPhone), and there's a Delete button appearing (sometimes it does not, not sure why), the moment you touch the text to start editing it, the site registers it wrongly as a touch of the Delete button and your post is gone. You need to switch to Full mode to edit your posts.

[char GG]

Mod note:

I realize the OP was asking for phone help. However, please stick to the CD topic and if there are any other phone tips, please PM the OP

[Stephanie47]

First, I doubt there is any woman/wife who can truly understand what we, ourselves, cannot understand. I told my wife I do not know why I do what I do. That was the summation of our "Talk" back in the early 1980's. Since then it has been the ultimate "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Truly, DADT; no snide comments, no hunting for my femme wardrobe. That in itself, the suppression, the lack of freedom to be oneself can drive one crazy.

Then throw in some of the requirements of being a spouse; doing what is necessary. Of course, there is the "get up and go to work routine," plus pay for college education. The list is endless. The pressure builds. How does a guy seek relief? Hit the bar every night? No, for me relief is to transform into Stephanie and live a day as a "June Cleaver."

There is a long list of "manly" or "husbandly" chores I must do. They'll eventually get done, but would get done sooner if there was more time to "relax."

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Emi , We just take life one day at a time,

We just play the cards that we were Dealt,

>>>>>Orchid**OO**

[April Rose]

Emi, this is very familiar to me. I went through it when we became empty nesters, when I retired and again when I lost my wife. I couldn't wait to retire, yet found myself back working a part time job within six weeks of doing so. When we became empty nesters I was impatient about expressing my feminine side more, and then, when my wife passed away early I went through the whole process again.

I think it's something that all men around our age go though, it just expresses itself differently in those of us in the trans spectrum. The key, I think is to understand the difference between brooding and self absorption, and clear headed self examination.

Bring your wife in on the process; let her know about your struggle to adjust to new circumstances, but DO NOT make it solely about the cross dressing. I wouldn't even make it the main thing; positioning it as an examination of the larger picture of your mental health, your long relationship, and your future together will help you get through this without tripping yourself up and will reassure her about your good sense and the strength of your bond.

[Britney Summers]

I am having the same issue with the man tasks around the yard this season. As that inner princess wants to come out the less I want to do it. Grass cutting is so ewww!

[Emi]

I get it, there are soooooo many factors at play here. My wife has been working overtime a lot and several of the tasks at hand we do together. Mowing the lawn, stacking wood etc. I have always enjoyed these things but for some reason doing them myself now is insurmountable mentally. Couple this with the realization of knowing that soon I will be more able to express Emi when its only my wife that may come home and it weighs exponentially. Basically it scares the crap out of me. Emi can not mow the lawn, cut wood etc. but she will want her time which will take away from that.

Counseling was mentioned but I have done enough research to realize that if I were to attend counseling it would be for the sole purpose of suppressing this side of me and I realize that this is unattainable. I'm not sure I want to. I am preaching to the choir when I say that no one besides those like us can ever understand the feeling of letting our feminine side free.

When I say I didn't think this is how things would go I refer to endless fishing, hunting, tree cutting wood work and anything else I could think of. I don't know if it is a product of my wife now knowing and the realization that while she does not want to be a part of it I don't have to worry about a surprise stop home or at our cabin when I had my nails painted. The time when I was going on about the pants I was wearing and would like to find another pair and she grabbed the back to look at the tag revealing my panties.

So my point is, Emi doesn't want to do those things because Emi can't be outside for the world to see.

Thanks all for listening and the kind words

Emi

[Di]

Counseling was mentioned but I have done enough research to realize that if I were to attend counseling it would be for the sole purpose of suppressing this side of me and I realize that this is unattainable. I'm not sure I want to. I am preaching to the choir when I say that no one besides those like us can ever understand the feeling of letting our feminine side free.


So my point is, Emi doesn't want to do those things because Emi can't be outside for the world to see.

Thanks all for listening and the kind words

Emi

What THE What? …. counselors would be to suppress that side?
Where do you get that from ..the opposite is true!
It would be to help you see it’s not that big a deal , common AND find a balance and can include your wife in that.


Seriously no one but you all can understand???
I beg to differ all he GGs that are here and have passed through here?..with their CDs and those than transitioned.
The CDs that want to remain in the closet ( their choice) the partners are in the closet as well.

I see it as you are coming to this part of your life without preparing or being honest with yourself or your wife…..I might not be too late.
The negative way you look at it ( IMO) you will need counseling first then your wife.

Good Luck

[Fiona_44]

Emi,

I disagree with you about counseling. I came out to my therapist and she was completely accepting and supportive. I have read numerous stories about other CD/trans ladies who had good experiences which helped them and/or their SO's greatly. The key is finding someone experienced in gender therapy.

[Emi]

What THE What? …. counselors would be to suppress that side?
Where do you get that from ..the opposite is true!
It would be to help you see it’s not that big a deal , common AND find a balance and can include your wife in that.


Seriously no one but you all can understand???
I beg to differ all he GGs that are here and have passed through here?..with their CDs and those than transitioned.
The CDs that want to remain in the closet ( their choice) the partners are in the closet as well.

I see it as you coming to this part of your life without preparing or being honest with yourself or your wife…..I might not be too late.
The negative way you look at it ( IMO) you will need counseling first then your wife.

Good Luck

I know, maybe I am looking at this all wrong. When you live in a small community it is tough to accept who you are when you know most won't.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Emi,

I disagree with you about counseling. I came out to my therapist and she was completely accepting and supportive. I have read numerous stories about other CD/trans ladies who had good experiences which helped them and/or their SO's greatly. The key is finding someone experienced in gender therapy.

I guess that is why I am here, and venting. Just trying to find the path forward. Another thought on counseling, I am an extremely guarded person that finds it tough to trust anyone.

[Heather76]

I have not had counseling as I fully accept I enjoy CDing. However, I do have it noted with the VA that I CD. Coincidentally, I am required to visit regularly with a psychiatrist because one of my medications is a controlled substance. She always asks if everything is okay with me in regards to cross dressing and my home life. I tell her it is and she tells me if I ever need to talk about it to let her know. I suspect these professionals are truly there to help people and not to judge them. You may have to accept the premise that to get help you may have to trust someone enough to open up to them. Good luck whatever it is you choose to do.

[char GG]

Please explain what you envision the ideal Emi as "doing"?

I don't know you or your wife. Every individual CDer wants something different. Maybe it would be helpful to explain to your wife what you expect out of your life. Where does she fit into your plans?

Also, as others have said, a good therapist won't try to change you. They may help you get your thoughts and priorities in order. Please reconsider that option.

[SaraLin]

FWIW - I think I get what Emi's trying to say.

Emi, please correct me if I'm wrong.

(S)he isn't saying that the counsellor would try to suppress the CD activities. It's that the purpose of going at all would be to try to suppress them.
I think Emi realizes that this isn't what counsellors do, so it wouldn't work - at least not for that.

I also understand how "being Emi" could get in the way of "guy" things.
Not "out" to the world? Can't venture outside in anything that's too feminine.
Dirty job? Don't want to mess up your nice things.
"Masculine?" Who wants to do that? Ugh.
etc. etc. etc.

It sounds to me like the OP is worried that the urge to "be Emi" (however much or how often) might get too strong and mess up the way things were "expected" to go.

Pink fog anyone?

Emi - I don't have any good advice for you, but I do suggest that you be sure to keep your wife in the loop as to what you're thinking and feeling.
It's something that two of you need to work out - together.


Good luck.