Crossdressing and bereavement

[Debbie Denier]

I dressed regularly in my teens and early 20s. It stopped after I got married when children came on the scene. However in 2011 it came back with a vengeance after my father passed away. It gave me comfort , relaxation and stress relief when I needed it most. It resulted in me being careless, stash being found and an enforced purge at the request of my unaccepting wife. My mother passed in 2020 which resulted in another desire to dress and the cycle repeating itself A close friend of mine died suddenly and unexpectedly a month ago. This has had the opposite effect. I have lost interest completely and have no desire to dress at all . I have had time to reflect and like Ameejo has pointed out in another post, decided to wind things down . I realise my wife of 31 years and family are more important than my desire to CD. I wonder have bereavements affected anyone elses desire to CD or not? I know from past experience the desire can come back . So I dont rule it out altogether

[Sandi Beech]

Interesting post Debbie,

Although I have not been affected in that way yet, it has crossed my mind as my aging relatives heath declines. I really think it would be bad for me to use CD as an escape from the pain in losing someone close. If the urge went away for a while, it would probably not matter, but stepping it up would likely cause more mental stress of which I have enough as it is. I try not to dwell on it though

Sandi

[Geena75]

I'm about on the same pace as you, I guess. My mom passed in 2012 and I stepped up my exploration of dressing up quite a lot. My dad passed in 2021 and I went further, and started venturing out. It wasn't a conscious move on my part -- I didn't put the two things together until more recently. I think the main aspect was getting my mind off of the loss and having a positive anticipation of the days ahead. I found it a good "pick-me-up," and have enjoyed it. I have also allowed that there are times I have to scale it way back, but there are also times when I can liven things up during down times.

[Karren H]

My dressing came back with a vengeance 20 years ago after my father passed away and after I was diagnosed and successfully treated for a couple pesky brain tumors... Think it was mainly the medical treatment that restored my hormone balance and my dressing and to a lesser amount my father passing.

[Diane P]

I guess you could say I started CD'ing as a result of my wife passing last Jul. I had underdressed, off and on, since 2003. I started getting into dresses, nightgowns, bikini panties, bras, etc in Sep of last year and found this forum in Oct. I think the desire to CD might have always been in the back of my mind and after my wife passed there didn't seem to be a reason not to.

[Kris Burton]

Although I have not had this experience, I can certainly see how it would occur. If you are like me your femme persona exists in the moment and can free you from the encumbrances of daily life at least for a while. It could follow that it can serve as a release from the pain of loss and bereavement as well. Yet another possible positive side effect of crossdressing.

[GretchenM]

Yes, Debbie, severe stress that can result from the death of a loved one can definitely have a profound effect on our sense of self and personality. But what happens in those situations will differ from person to person. You have had a lot of severe stress for quite awhile and the losses leave big holes in the framework of your individual concept of who you are in the world in which you live. It can cause people to become very different in many ways. However, the characteristics that formed as a result of genetics and environment will persist but in perhaps a different form. The foundation remains even though what has been built on top of the foundation has changed considerably.

When my mother died at 93 a couple of years ago I went deep into the dressing for several months as I felt I needed something stable to hang on to as well as something to ease the pain of the loss. My wife was living 500 miles away caring for our ailing daughter who passed away in December 2021. My wife of 54 years and I are back together again and things have changed with respect to my sense of gender. The Gretchen sense is still very much there but the need to express that strongly has faded, for now anyway, and has shifted to a different mode and produced a more gentle and female-like behavior pattern that complements my male-like portion of my total identity. It's nice. But will it last? I have no idea but I don't worry about it. It will follow its own path.

Emotional pain can also be translated into physical pain. But as a result of the mourning of my loss I finally regained stability. But in your situation you had loss after loss to deal with. As to whether all of that can destroy part of your identity and change your values as to what is important I suppose that can happen as well. Can it shatter the foundation? Maybe but I think that is less likely. The importance of your wife and family may provide the one thing that is stable in your life and that then moves into position number one and the meaning of your gender expression is pushed deep in the pile as just not as important right now.

Will your needs for gender expression return? Only time will tell, but that is a deeply embedded part of your total self and even though it is not important now, it may return in the previous form or in a different form later. It is well known that stress can consume your current person but when the stress is finally resolved and relieved those long standing characteristics can come back and can come back very strongly. But once again, time will tell - we are all different and our brains deal with these kinds of stresses individually. So no prediction can be made although perhaps a psychologist or psychiatrist could make some educated predictions.

My suggestion is to focus on the moment and shift things around to achieve the greatest stability and comfort you can find. Don't worry about tomorrow as that simply adds to the stress that you are trying to relieve. Your brain will figure it out in time as this very rocky road right now becomes a bit less bumpy in the future. Just focus on today and what is important now.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Well, my mood has a huge effect on my dressing. Historically, when I'm genuinely depressed, I don't even want to do that. (Fortunately antidepressants work well for me.) Perhaps your overall mood was affected differently by the different deaths?

[Maria 60]

I could see where your coming from though, it just seams when the stress levels raise I just seam to want to escape my male self and just relax the brain. I guess it's better to dress then to turn to drugs and alcohol. The funny thing and not so funny because there really is no switch that makes it go up or slow it down, but it seems like at times when you expect it to excell it doesn't and it will even understandable go away. But trust just like the sun will raise in the morning it will return.
So hang on for the ride because we just don't know what's around the next corner, I guess that's the fun part of it, isn't it.????

[AmeeJo]

I can totally see the loss of someone you care about affecting your desire to crossdress. My crossdressing is a fun thing for me to do and makes me feel good. It is entertainment. I have never felt I needed to transition to full time and I don't want to be considered a woman. I am a man that loves to wear, traditionally, women's clothing. That being said, one normally wouldn't engage in whatever form of entertainment during the grieving process. You wouldn't plop down on the couch, crack a beer, and put a game on TV during a wake, would you? Debbie, as you pointed out, I came to a similar conclusion. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope we are all able to find that perfect balance within our complicated lives.

[crobeson96]

Wow! This post and comments really came home to me. In our eternal search for 'why' we find touchstones from time to time. The loss of my Mom definitely set me off on a spin but I had no idea at the time - dressing just seemed more attractive somehow. The thoughtful replies here make me wonder if the desire includes an element of escape or the ability to push daily cares at arm's length for a bit. It is not the reason one starts but serves as a found comfort in addition to all the other elements of want or need.

Does anyone else feel a little closer to a lost female relative when getting ready or enjoying the day en femme? I've definitely felt that at times, not that she would have approved, LOL.

[nancy58]

In discussing my crossdressing with my therapist, one of the things I learned is that being "en femme" is an attractive place for me to be. That said, I didn't feel like dressing up when my father died, and, in fact, it led to a period of several years that I didn't dress up at all. But grief affects people in different ways, and your experience will not necessarily be like mine. Even though it's been several years, my condolences on the loss of your mother. May her name be a blessing.

[docrobbysherry]

Dressing requiers my compete attention. So, my minds clears of everything else, good and bad, until I'm done!

Maybe that's true for many of us?

[Debbie Denier]

Thanks everyone for your kind, informative and interesting replies.