How we present

[Maria 60]

My wife in the past has brought up stuff of my appearance to my attention and believes I don't really closely look at myself when I dress and that I see something else when I'm dressed.
I took the day off yesterday to drive my wife to her specialist appointment because it's about an hour and a half drive. Usally the first highway stop I get changed and drive there and back dressed.
We were done with her doctor and thank goodness everything was good and I needed gas. I asked my wife if she wanted to gas up the car or if it was ok for me to. I feel it's always good to let them make the decision, with most women what's good yesterday isn't always good today. She suggested she gets cold drinks inside and I gas up the car. When we got back in the car she automatically asked me about my appearance and why I didn't notice the bulge in my private area and is that the way I want to present myself and what do other crossdresser do about this. I usally wear wrap dresses or dresses that fall more loose but I was wearing a summer dress she just bought me for the drive and it was that stretchy elastic material and it was a tight fit. In my defence I told her because I got changed in the car and when I got out of the car to gas up I was paying more attention to my surroundings and I did look down at my feet a few times in disbelief that I was actually out and I didn't notice the bulge.
I told her about tucking and maybe I should start paying more attention to myself when I do go out in public.
She then made a point of technically I'm not trying to present myself as a women and not for me to take it personal but I pass as a women a little, so technically I'm a crossdresser and crossdressers are men and have private parts. So in her point of view she believes that I present as a crossdresser and it is fine if my bulge is showing because everyone knows I'm a man. I made the point of if she thought since presenting as a crossdresser it should then be ok for chest and leg hair to show or have a beard. In her opinion if a person is trying to present as a women it's one thing but if there presenting as a crossdresser its up to the individual how they choose to present themselves and she asked me were I believe I am.
I told her even if I do barely pass I do try my best to present as a women, and in my opinion I should have paid more attention to my bulge just the same way I pay attention to my chest and leg hairs and everything else.
I apologized if I embarrassed her but I do appreciate talking openly and having a open communication with her. I told her I'm going to ask this question to the community and see how they feel about her technical theory of presenting as a crossdresser or a women.

[Sandi Beech]

Maria,
I try to make things as flat as possible when I go out presenting as female. I have not found anything that works as well as the procrossdresser.com tucking tapes on my body, especially when I add some KT tape strips on top. Even so, you have to be really careful with that KT tape. I posted about it last year but I got it too tight for too long one time and it really hurt my skin. Still if I do it right it?s quite effective. I think it looks more convincing for female presentation to add the hip and butt pads as well, but if I crossdressed full time, I seriously doubt I would go to so much trouble for everyday wear. It would simply be too much effort for me.

I think I also like to keep people guessing what I have downstairs if you know what I mean.

Sandi

[Kris Burton]

This can be a tough call Maria. My philosophy is like yours, if crossdressed I wish to present as female as possible rather than blending the genders. It is very difficult however to be able to catch all the "tells" and I continue to learn after the fact - like when I spoil an otherwise good photo session by not seeing that I was bulging, my false eyelashes were coming off, had forgotten to shave my legs or the like . I'll be aware of these things the next time, but there is always one thing more. Frustrating, but it doesn't stop me from striving for the perfect presentation. It's an artistic thing!

[Helen_Highwater]

Maria,

For those who identify as MAID then I see no reason why they would feel the need to tuck. For me however, my intention is to look a much like a female as I can. Hence if out and about I would class tucking as a necessity. True under some items of clothing a bulge can be hidden but for most female items they're cut to hand straight down so the chances of something showing is always there.

Looking more femme adds to my confidence. There's also a phycological element to it in that being flat fronted makes me feel more femme.

Even when dressing around the house I tuck such that my body parts are so use to it I need very little to keep me tucked (See the tucking sticky about my, well sticky method).

One other comment I'd make is that your wife noticed. And if she did, other will to. So I'd say anything you can you to improve the elusion is a good thing and if a pair of tight undies will keep you tucked for the time you're out then why not.

[Jillian Faith]

My late wife made it perfectly clear to me that if I was going to crossdresser in public, I was to present as femininely as possible. I was to walk, talk and sit like a lady. Also included was to have no unladylike bulges anywhere. I went to great lengths when wearing tight clothes that I was properly tucked and as flat and smooth downstairs as possible.

[alwayshave]

Maria, 99% of the time when dressed en-femme, I am wearing some sort of foundation garment (girdle, Spanx) that is going to flatten me out. If I'm wearing a loose summer dress then I'll wear a gaff to prevent the bulge.

[Krea]

I always make sure there are no unsightly "issues" in my presentation. I either wear a looser fitting skirt, or if i wear skinny jeans i pair them with a long-line top.
As an enby, it isn't about passing, but about modesty and consideration. I wouldn't feel comfortable about being out in public with any sort of bulge showing down there and i am sure other people don't wanna see that sort of thing either.

[Stephanie47]

I have to agree with Jillian (#5), et al. If it is "just the clothes" then it would be perfectly alright to appear as a bearded woman, hairy arms and bulging, who is not even trying to adopt any feminine mannerisms. In the present climate of anti-LGBTQIA rhetoric I think it is advisable not to have any pronounced bulges that may attract additional attention. Me? My choice of attire is strictly dresses, and specifically empires waist, sheaths and wraps that are not body hugging, but fall freely. My choice is based on concealing the fact that my measurement are 42-38-40 which is not an hour glass figure, but is alright for an aging oldster (75). If I am at home I do make an attempt not to have a visual bulge but I am not going to stuff it so badly that I am uncomfortable. If I am going out for an evening stroll I do wear at a minimum a control panty. There has been a lot of discussion on this board concerning female mannerism, so I am conscious when out about how I walk and carry any totes, etc.

[bridget thronton]

I avoid tight fitting clothing below the waist - it is good that you are able to discuss literally anything with your wife

[Jean 103]

It sounds like two different standards, why would you hold yourself to a lower standard?

Ask your wife how she feels about a woman going braless and her nipples showing through her top.

It's the same thing, a fashion no no.

[Heather76]

I should be so lucky as to be concerned about a "bulge." I simply want to present as close to being a woman as my old, somewhat overweight body allows. I know that up close, I'm not fooling anyone. But, maybe from 10 yards away or in a crowd, I pass unnoticed. That's fine with me. As soon as I open my mouth and speak, it's all over as my deep voice would only fool a deaf person.

[DianeT]

It sounds like two different standards, why would you hold yourself to a lower standard?

Ask your wife how she feels about a woman going braless and her nipples showing through her top.

It's the same thing, a fashion no no.

I know it's customary in NA to hide nipples, but really, knowing how men can show their private parts in their jeans (and I doubt all women fail to appreciate the view on a good looking chap), I find it funny to read that nipples showing are a low standard (and I doubt all men fail to appreciate the view either!). Socially accepted for one, low standard for the other.

[Aka_Donna]

Very interesting. Perhaps it's time for a mini purge. Getting rid of those items that were great 1 or 2 years ago, but alas now even though the mind still sees them as flattering, the current view is not so much. I have a hard time giving up that time of attire, but sometimes it's better to realize this old body is not looking like it did a year ago.

It's harder when the wife/so gives you something that is not the best presentation. Best process i have found is to wear it a time or two, then let it soak for a year or two, and then give it away.

Again, don't recall, why can't you dress at home for the whole trip. If necessary throw on a coverup and then ditch it at first available opportunity.

[GretchenM]

Like Heather, I don't have much of a problem with bulges if I am wearing fairly tight fitting panties. But I do find it interesting that it bothers us so much in the U.S. about what is evident. It seems that we tend to be very stereotypical and prudish about what is evident and what is not.

On the other hand if you feel that you need to fit the "ideal" then do what you need to do. Is it also possible that breast forms that are in thin bras add a bit of a genuineness if nipple bumps are hinted at? The fact is that most of us are presentable as women with work, but presentable is not passable which really includes the whole package. Hints also help to fracture the gender binary a bit which, to me, is good as it helps people to adjust to a world where it is not necessarily either/or. Still, though, one should do what fits best with their personal concepts of self. Crossdressing is not quite the same as expressing as clearly transgender or as the opposite sex when you really aren't.

To me the main point in presentation is to communicate to others what your state of mind is with regard to gender identity rather than presenting your sexuality as different than it is. So it goes back to a question of what exactly is the nature of your identity? Male-like, female-like, something ambiguous or in between the two or perhaps something totally unique? In a sense, passing is when you are clear about what you are saying about yourself with your clothing. There is almost an infinite number of combinations, but the viewers tend to categorize a lot and do not necessarily read the messages with high clarity. After all, their view of you is partly within the context of their own identity and the gender concepts they have.

They may not read what you are saying because their brain is not, at the moment, necessarily receptive to that message. Plus, what we "see" is an interpretation our brain creates for us that is patterned with our own personal concepts of the world around us. Your eyes detect the objective truth just like a camera sees what is there. But what our minds see may be something different from the objective truth and that is the image our consciousness receives. In other words, looking at how someone is dressed is a much more complex matter than we think it is.

[Sandi Beech]

Wow Gretchen this comment really makes sense - presentable is not passable. I think we collectively worry able being passable when we would be a lot better off just worrying about being presentable.

In the end, that is all we can really do.

Sandi

[Cheryl T]

I prefer to tuck all the time.
I would be mortified if I was out somewhere and "it" was visible under my clothing in any way.

[BrendaPDX]

If I am going through the trouble of going out en femme, I will always do my best to make sure my figure is consistent to the manner of which I am dressing. For me that's is half of the fun. Brenda

[Debra Russell]

Haven't had to worry about tucking for a long time....for me VanityFair bikini panties do the job and are what I wear every day.
I think if it did not hide the obivous male distinction I would look for a better way to appear as undectableas possable. For me the bulge is a dead give away - I think presentation is the most important part of what we do. .............................Debra