Safe Places To Go or Unsafe Places to Stay Away From

[Rhonda Jean]

Kimberley's bathroom posts are the cause for this post. Let's talk about safe places to go. "Anywhere and everywhere" is not a good answer because it really doesn't help. I know some of you do, but I've been doing this for as long as just about anybody and I'm not even in the anywhere and every where category. Kimberley is talking about quitting over one incident in one bar. Maybe we can have some helpful input.

Basically for me, I try to stay away from men as much as possible. My very favorite places have always been salons, especially the hair salon. Now that I've cut my hair (a long time ago now) I can't do that one anymore, but I still love the nails salon. I always get my brows done in male mode (or at least semi), but it still kind of counts for me. Same for facials.

The mall is kind of the default cd venue. Always good. If you're new to eating out in female mode, the food court is a pretty good first step, then progressing to a mall-based restaurant. The next step from there is probably the movie theater.

In my earliest days of going out of town to do my girl thing, I'd stay at motels that had a door that basically opened up to where my vehicle was parked. Worked well, except for one time when a construction crew was in the room(s) next to me and they decided to sit on their tailgates and drink beer. This motel also had a central hallway that was mostly used by housekeeping, but it provided me a way around them. Once I graduated to hotels, coming and going from the hotel, working up the courage to step into the elevator, going through the lobby and maybe the gift shop kind of prepared me for going out. Kind of like jumping into cold water. After you're in there it's not so bad. Hotel restaurants have always been good venues for me, and if I am feeling particularly brave/good, the hotel bar (not the same as a stand-alone bar to me). When the mood strikes me and it "looks right", the hotel pool is good. You don't have to wear a bathing suit. I've been in shorts and a t-shirt. Mostly, though, I've worn a bathing suit and a cover-up. I happen to LOVE cover ups! That's a whole 'nuther topic.

In my early days I was in a million convenience stores. I've always been treated well at Walmart and Target. I've typically been treated well at chain restaurants, too. Pretty vanilla stuff for me.

The places I don't go would be a long list. Start with bars. I'm just not a bar person. I'll qualify that a bit by saying if it's an entertainment venue that has a bar (not sure when you quit calling one a bar and start calling it an entertainment venue) I've done quite a bit of that. Depends on a lot of things. I don't do hardware stores or auto parts stores.

I trust my feelings or vibes a lot. Without ever having a really bad experience there, I more or less avoid the entire state of Texas, and I know we have members who live openly there. I've made plenty of exceptions, but always with extra scrutiny. OKC is totally off my list because of one incident, yet Diane P and Emily love it. I'm guilty if condemning the whole southeast U.S. because of reputation more so than anything specific. I've spent a lot of time en femme in Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Arkansas, and South Carolina and loved most every minute of it. I've traveled very little to the north and northeast, but west (southern California, Arizona, Colorado) as well as Missouri, Kansas, and Oklahoma I don't find to be a whole lot different than the southern states. Before anybody jumps on me, I'm aware of the political differences and the overall perceived tolerance, but the places I would go and not go are about the same wherever I go. Work has allowed me to travel quite a lot within the places I mentioned and the similarity (to me) is striking.

I think we're prone to thinking the grass is greener somewhere else. It'd be easy for Kimberly and others to think they're stuck in some hell hole of intolerant people, when my experience is that there is tolerance and intolerance everywhere. You're better off knowing which is which in your own backyard.

[Heather76]

Since I haven't been in a bar since I was on liberty in 1969, I cannot address how to select clubs and bars. What I can tell you from my limited experience is the following. I make sure I've chosen places where there are other people. I've been in a mall. mall food courts and a restaurant, women's sections of clothing stores (Kohl's, Ross, Hamrick's, etc.), and ULTA. I've been out during daylight hours. I also have not gone to places I'm unfamiliar with the exception of 4 motels when I've been on the road and driving dressed. The bottom line is choosing your travel places carefully should reduce your stress level significantly.

[Emily in the south]

To Rhonda Jean's and Heathers point on bars.. you have to be able to read the room. I tend to go to mostly upscale bars, and clubs. If I see a bar with Harleys parked in front and the faint sound of dueling banjos from inside, I will pass on by.
I have never had a bad experience in any bar, and as Sandi Beech has mentioned, some wonderful times interacting with other women there. In the Dallas upscale restaurant bar I have visited, hit it off with three gg sisters on there girls night out. They loved me joining in their group.

Just be selective about where you go, especially when alone.

Emily

[Sandi Beech]

I must be the biggest bar hopper here since I have been to 38 so far while crossdressed ; )

I even went to the LGBT club that Kimberly used to go to in Jackson, Mississippi. I have to say I am still a little apprehensive about going to regular bars but LGBT bars have always been a good place for me to hang out. Oddly enough, bars were never my thing in guy mode, but it is different when presenting as female. At least that has been my experience. I suspect some look at it the way I do when in guy mode, but it really is a good place to break the ice and talk to others about anything and everything while dressed up.

I was thinking about publishing the list of places I have visited with my impression of each place but it will be quite long. I have no shortage of words you know.

I can not think of any activity I would like to do more that getting on the dance floor with some friendly accepting GGs - especially after a couple of drinks to loosen up and get into the rhythm.

Sandi

[Christie ann]

When I have the chance to go out I do plan my activities very carefully. i live in a backwards corner of a progressive state, so venue needs to be safe. I have never been a bar person so that’s never been on my list. I find that generally women are more receptive than men in how I am presenting. So, I try for places I know will have more women than men. Most men that I know wouldn’t be caught in the women’s section of any store so that has been safe through the years. Grocery stores have a good mix of people and mostly people are too busy looking at the shelves and not you. Libraries, book stores, museums ( especially those small ones in little towns) . I visit Convenience stores while getting gas and diners for lunch . It’s great to be called “hun”. Weirdly, I feel very safe in outside spaces. I have climbed mountains while being me. Last July 4, I went to a crowded public beach in my tankini and had a great time. There was so much going on that I was just a little blip on the radar. Not to say my heart wasn’t pounding and I wasn’t hyper alert for problems.

To quote someone, it’s the best of times and the worst of times. Most people know of transgenderism and possibly know some one. Acceptance is better now than anytime in my past experience. But, there are some loud angry voices out there that we can’t just dismiss. So be you, but be careful.

[Fiona_44]

A little common sense goes a long way. Many towns have areas that are a little seedy or where crime rates are higher. Avoid them like the plague, day and night. As for bars, stick to gay, lesbian or drag places. Regular bars may be okay 9 out of 10 times but do you really want to find out what might happen on that one time it's not okay? Alcohol, joe 6-pack and CD's are not a good mix. Don't go to NASCAR races. If you go to a park make sure it is one that has a decent amount of people around, not some deserted, lonely place.

Other than that, if you make a decent attempt to blend in, the world is your oyster. Malls, stores, restaurants, art galleries, museums, parks & beaches, tourist attractions, libraries and much more are all available to you.

[Aunt Kelly]

Go anywhere that an unaccompanied cis women (the at least some common sense) would go. That lets out at least a large percentage of bars. Drunk people are at least slightly more prone to be assholes. LGBTQ+ friendly venues being the notable exceptions.
I have told this story before, but it's still a good lesson... A trans friend and I were returning from a road trip and stopped at a barbecue joint in Mason, TX. Now Mason is pretty much the geographic center of redneck rural Texas, and we were joined for our early lunch by a crowd of hunters and those just coming from church. Nary a raised eyebrow. Not one. Granted, we were just two old ladies having lunch, but if there was going to be at least an unfriendly stare, you'd think it would be there. Nope.
Again, it is not as dangerous as you probably think it is. Use a little common sense and you'll be fine.

[kimdl93]

When I first started going out I was already in my mid-50s. At the time gay/lesbian bars were obvious choices, but I only went to out at night perhaps once every few months, simply because I am not that much of a night owl, at least not by then. So what to do with the other 30-59 days? For me, going out in the daytime was my preference. Coffee shops, casual restaurants, plus routine stuff like going to the grocery, dry cleaner or bank. Basically, I started living my every day life, but dressed nicer . As I came out to a few friends, we would meet for coffee or lunch too, sometimes dinner. So, lots of things to choose from besides nights out on the town, and besides, I never wanted to risk a DUI.

Speaking of small towns, I remember stopping for dinner on a long drive up I35 at the town of Sebetha KS. I went to a nice little Mexican restaurant and enjoyed the food, the service and the general friendliness.

[Karren H]

My number one place to go dressed are casinos. I feel really safe there since they have lots of security. Which I have gotten to talk to more than a few times (maam, you can not take photos on the gaming floor). Lol. And I usually end up having a number of women come set by me and strike up a conversation or two. Plus the casinos will take my money no mater how I am dressed!

[alwayshave]

I live in a very progressive area and have never felt threatened when out dressed. That being said, I tend to go to LGBTQ+ venues to reduce any issues.

[GretchenM]

Eleven years ago when I was seeing a therapist and also attending group therapy at the Colorado Gender Identity Center (now merged with a general LGBTQ+ center) we were taught something similar to what Aunt Kelly describes. The lesson was that it was safe to go anywhere a GG would go unaccompanied. Except we were told to essentially double that standard. Unless you are extraordinarily passable as a GG (not many of us really are even though many are presentable as such) we should be extra careful. The rule has loosened quite a bit since then, but there are many places that are simply not safe. Females tend to have sort of a sixth sense about what is not safe. Follow their lead - we males don't often possess such a discerning perspective.

Unfortunately, the tide has turned and it is now becoming more like it was back then and in some regions even worse than then. But one must also recognize that it is becoming more unsafe for everyone as well. Attacks on gender variant people are way up again, but it still depends on the particular environment where you are, both in a general and a specific sense. Even "normal" people are being targeted if they "appear" liberal, whatever that means. So, at a minimum don't go anywhere a GG would not go alone. From other people's point of view you are emulating a woman and with a lot of the bad people they don't care if you are a GG or trans or CD - their motivations are often driven by hatred and are, by definition and expression, irrational. Hints of rabid dog behavior. Be very aware of the nature of the venue and maintain a high standard.

[Rhonda Jean]

Lots of great responses. I like Karren's suggestion of casinos. I agree, although I've only done it a couple of times.

To point out another thing relating to Kimberly's post, she was singing Karaoke in her male voice. Me... not in a million years! First of all because I can't sing. Second of all because I think it might make my dressing seem like a gag. Maybe that's a way of kind of disarming the "audience", like showing that you're not trying to pass as a woman. A bit incongruent with going to the ladies room, maybe.

I never, ever, did anything to give myself away. I might have been fighting a losing battle to pass, but I damn well fought the battle. If you're intentionally giving yourself away (singing Karaoke), I think that makes the bathroom issue even murkier. Not saying I do it right and Kimberly is wrong, I just think it's something to think about.

The point that a few have made about going places where a female would go alone and then further refining that should be rule #1. Then dress like a woman out alone would dress (i.e. don't dress like a prostitute). Blendy, even boring, is not such a bad thing.

I think most of us who have been doing this for a while would agree that we've done so with little to no bad experiences. My worst one wasn't because I was dressed, it just happened when I was dressed. I think most of us would say if you do it enough, you will get caught. I'll add that you'll likely be seen by someone you know and you may never know it, but others will.

I hope we can keep adding to the list.

[Cheryl T]

Where to go and where to avoid?
Think like a woman, with a little added caution.

No dark, lonely places like streets and parking lots.
Bars are ok. I'm not a bar person but if I wanted to go I'd go with a few others. Safety in numbers.
Malls are fine, but try not to be there on like a Friday night when there are lots of kids. Kids can be the worst. They have no check valve on their brains and just say anything to anyone.
I love Casinos also. Lots of lighting and security and they don't care what you wear when you spend your money.
The boardwalk at the shore is great too. Sun, fun and lots of people who just want to have fun.

As far as the whole bathroom thing. I've always said I would prefer to be confronted by an upset mom than a testosterone filled homophobe.

Go out and have fun.

[Helen_Highwater]

I would say it pays to trust your spider sense. Some years ago I was planning to eat in a Chinese restaurant I'd used before with no issues. On arrival I could see into the place and there was a large table with what looked like a 15-16 year old mixed group celebrating someone's birthday. Boys rocking back on the chairs, body language, call it what you will but my gut instinct said not for me that night. I'm a great believer in if it feels wrong then it is likely to be wrong.

[Genifer Teal]

I went out tonight in NYC. Train in and out. Even went in on short subway ride. All seems OK. Like 5 years ago.. heading home at 1230am as I write this. I know I am fortunate for where I live.

[mbmeen12]

All good advice...."common sense goes along way".....best quote yet.

[MonicaPVD]

Common sense does go a very long way. One of the things I have found is that your attire dictates a lot. If you go out into vanilla world wearing a very revealing (or loud) nightclub-style outfit or thigh high boots, or six inch heels, all eyes will be on you. This can be a lot of fun at times, but it also increases the likelihood of triggering a jerk who may make disparaging comments or maybe even become confrontational. If you wear an outfit that matches your age and regional demographic, one that is not much different than what every other woman is wearing out there, even the jerks will give you your space. In their mind, you're not trying to trigger them, you're just existing. This has been my experience over the years going out dressed, traveling through redneck country dressed, and generally just existing.

[Aunt Kelly]

Spot on, Monica, but again, no cis woman with a lick of common sense would dress like that in any venue other than a nightclub. As you say, dressing like that can be a lot of fun (if that's what you're into) but for the CD's it's almost inviting trouble.