I would say that at some point the three of you would benefit greatly from seeing a therapist who is well versed in gender issues.
I would say that at some point the three of you would benefit greatly from seeing a therapist who is well versed in gender issues.
"Care about what other people think of you and you will always be their prisoner" - Lao Tzu
Ugh. When my mother caught me at 12, it would really have scared me to be taken to a gender therapist with my parents. Like I did something really, really problematic. The mother did right to not make a fuss and support him. That is what my mother did (she also told me to not steal her things anymore). And no, I wouldn't have wanted to talk to my crossdressing dad about it (had I had a crossdressing dad). When you're a teen, parents' sexuality/intimacy is just gross.
Last edited by DianeT; 10-29-2023 at 06:06 PM.
Calm down for a moment please. (ever noticed how telling people to calm down often gets them really excited instead?)
Some calm and good advice has been offered already, so read all the replies and sort out the good ones.
Carla's post stand out as being sound advice for sure, but several others have also offered good calm perspectives.
However, there are also some really strange comments/advice offered here that should absolutely be ignored!
NO! he is 14 and playing with girls clothes, he is not saying he is transgender or wanting to start hormones next Wednesday!Make him feel safe, ask him which pro nouns he wants to be address.
NO! Don't make this a problem.Ask him if he needs a cousuler?
NO! Where on earth does that thought come from? He is playing with girls clothes, not being caught in a gay relationship. The fact a member here would even suggest this just baffles me. Maybe it is not so strange that wifes and friends ask that as the first question when they hear one of us admitting to liking to dress as women/girls, but people who actively take part in the discussions here on this forum, really! Good lord.Basically have the talk about STDs etc.
NO! This has nothing to do with school.Find out what is going on in school
Some have suggested you talking to him about it. I agree with those who advise against that. Your wife seems to have a good head on her shoulders, and your son seems to be comfortable talking to her. Let her take lead on this for now and, if you feel it is appropriate, offer to help her with her responses since you likely have some more insight into this than she does. But no, do not approach your son about this, it could be hugely embarrassing for him. If your relationship with your son allows it, he will come to you if he feels like talking about it.
I would also suggest that your wife just leave it alone for now. If he needs some clothes, have your wife offer him something so he doesn't get into the bad habit many of us had at that age of taking/borrowing things that were not ours, but don't make a big deal out of it.
Some suggested disclosing this to your other son .... NO! Absolutely not, Jeezz! Oh .. and don't "warn" the neighbors either!
Calm down, "it is just clothes", right! Don't make a big deal out of this, certainly not at this point. If it turns out there is a need for a bigger reaction, you will know in time.
As several have said, youth these days have a much more relaxed view of gender presentation, and even if he turns out to have some confusion about all this, there is no reason to make a problem out of it. If he wants to present as a girl sometimes, so what! Isn't that how many here would like the world to turn?
If it is more than that, you will find out from him if you are good loving parents.
Quicksilver,
Your wife handled the situation in a good way and I hope you let her know. I agree with Carla's suggestions and hope that you will check back with you wife before you start a conversation with your son. My father caught me (at age fourteen) dressed in my mother's clothing. It was never discussed in any detail after that.
Mina
And soon, "Tip's old comrades stared in wonder...and then every head bent in honest admiration of the lovely Princess Ozma."
"The girl turned to her old friends. "Speaking the words with a sweet diffidence, she said, 'I hope none of you will care less for me than you did before. I'm just the same Tip, you know, only--only--' "
" 'Only you're different,' said the Pumpkinhead."
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
I think what it really comes down to is your relationship with your son. Is he used to you talking to him on a serious level, or would it freak him out? Boys going through puberty have a tendency to clam up, but it is not because they don't want to communicate. Often, when they do communicate it is with their mother, because they are wary of their father's disapproval.
I never knew my father, he was KIA in Korea. For that reason I idolized him as a war hero and wondered what he would think of having a cross dressing son. But I really had little idea what he would be like. My mother said that he was quiet, principled and read a lot. Probably for that reason I tried to make it clear to my son that he could talk to me about anything. Throughout puberty he was very uncommunicative. So it wasn't until I came out to him at 22 that he let me know that he had known I was a crossdresser since he was 14.
Fortunately for me, it was a nonissue for him. His generation takes gender fluidity as a right.
But the point is, this is an awkward moment for him. Even if he wanted to keep it between himself and his mother, she has already told you, so not mentioning it, while it may be less awkward for both of you, would still, in a way, be lying by omission . In every crisis there is opportunity. Handle the situation right and it will strengthen the bond between you. Handle it wrong and he may keep you at arms length when more dangerous situations arise.
I just realized that what I have said here isn't very comforting. I hope that you get something of a path forward from the entirety of the thread.
I am a vessel of the goddess. Let me express my calling to a feminine life through nurturing love and relatedness.
Suszie, Suzie, Suzie it's just advice to ponder and your opinion falls short of not getting to the root cause. 1st The schools have become a inclusive hot bed. Good or bad but if it's there it should be discussed starting with the wife. Communication is so critical in ones relationship. The wife and husband need to get on the same page and support the son. Sure give him space but how in the heck do you know what's going/not going on in his school? It's super critical at the age and being supportive. It used to be called the Birds and Bee's conversation with your adolescent children. Suzie it's the 21 century and tera bytes being exchanged on a phone. Or do nothing and that too, is advice....
Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.
It genuinely scares me that somebody tries on a dress and immediately people are saying they should be talking about pronouns as if a dress means they're transgender.
This is exactly the problem that society sees with "us" as groomers who are trying to turn children trans.
We're supposed to be the educated and enlightened ones.
THIS ^^^ ALL THIS ^^^. Such super great reasonable honest advice.Originally Posted by Suzie Petersen
I've seen so much positive feedback I thought I'd add a little. My opinion is the product of understanding my own state of mind at that age with raging hormones and rapid body development. Then I tempered that opinion with the 54 years of mature adult life experience that sorted it all out for me. Carla is my primary indulgence and an activity that would be an impossible void to fill if gone. It's a practice, art form, reward, tactile and erotic experience. I've experienced being more dream women than most men even talk about. A therapist once told me that it was too much baggage to drag through life. I learned right there that most people get involved to push an agenda into a one size fits all conformity. There's only one group of people who are granted free rein to influence children. They're called parents. My parents and siblings no nothing about Carla except accusations made by my ex. I've personally owned this whole crossdressing adventure and my own non-sim life as being the total package. Good parents know that kids love candy and would be concerned if they had too much. Just let the teenage explorer find his own boundaries and learn to respect parental boundaries. Such as times when CD'ing just wouldn't be appropriate. Parental security and guidelines. It's just that simple.
It makes me sad to think I've met folks whose kids became addicts or basement dwellers. Boredom? Rebelion? It is that age.
I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!
Definitely coordinate with your wife, but I believe you should talk to him.
Men and women process things differently, and your perspective and counsel will help provide a rounded base of information.
With my kids, their mom has always been the one to talk with them about how they feel. I've been to one to cover the practicality of the situation.
The kids need both to make it through, especially something like this.
Key thing though is to LISTEN to what he says without judgement. That alone can mean more than anything else, and just letting him talk through it, knowing he's not going to be ridiculed or chastised can work wonders.
I am Me and Me is OK!
Shelby
I'm thankful your wife handled it nicely. I'm 53 and still clearly see the image of my childhood kitchen and my mom's voice telling me "You're sick."
Firstly, I tell you: Children's anda teenager's curiosity is normal. Including trying on clothes for the opposite sex.
For example, when I was 12 I was curious to see girls at school starting to wear bras and I tried one of my sister's. That's one story, the fact that I enjoyed using it is another.
I don't know what your son's context was, but his wife was prudent. She didn't expose her crossdressing to him, probably so as not to influence him or to not complicate things further: it would be a lot of information to be caught by your own mother like that and still discover your father's "secret"...
At first, you should just monitor... if this happens again, you can talk to him again. It doesn't seem right to repress him, just as it shouldn't be right for him to wear other people's clothes (his mother's or sister's) without permission. Then I think you can help him with your experience.
[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]
I just posted two articles I wrote related to the subject on the forum. I apologize for the "overposting" but I found it interesting and important given the question posed in this thread.
What an interesting situation for you, your wife and both of your sons. The other answers have pretty much covered what I would say but I do not think you should share your situation with them. Maybe some long years from now but not while they are teenagers. Impossible for them to keep secrets. But you and your wife are a great couple to provide the right guidance for your son. You can distinguish between whether or not he is transgender or simply a vanilla heterosexual male cross dresser like so many of us. I can also see a bright spot. As your wife learns, loves and still appreciates your son, perhaps she will gain insight into your situation as well.
I would advise against having a talk with the son - it's quite possible that he talked to Mom with the idea that it was a confidential conversation. If he finds out that she betrayed that confidence then he may very well shut down any further conversations. Better to stay in the background for now - Mom and Dad can certaily discuss the issues, but let Mom take the lead with the son, at least until the son says it's okay to talk to Dad.
Ambigendrous
Wealth should not be measured by how much you have, but by how little you need - anon
Let it go?. Kids at that age are exploring. Kids will be kids. I wouldn?t pursue a conversation with your son just let him be. It could be a one time thing or something else.
I noticed that younger kids have incorporated styles from the opposite sex into main stream clothing.
Last edited by Richelle423; 10-30-2023 at 11:52 AM. Reason: Forgot to add quote
Soooo ................what he was wearing when "caught" was home made to emulat womans clothes ? not borrowing, purchased, or swiped off someones closeline? Seems a lot of fuss to make, maybe ask if he would like to borrow something more appropriate it's ok to experiment and not worth cutting up clothing ,,, curiosity is nothing to feel ashamed of. Just my two cents worth ...................Debra
Last edited by Debra Russell; 10-30-2023 at 12:59 PM.
You need to learn more for yourself. You can be a supportive parent, you might be able to say you learned more about this from workplace diversity training and other experiences.
I started at 11, so your child may have been doing it for years. I know I questioned my sexuality and had no place to read about this, so typical they would as well. There are data supporting a genetic component, so there might be that. "Caught our son crossdressing" doesn't tell much- wearing panties or dress, wig, makeup?
We are also here to help you. How you help your child may also help your wife and you.
Hugs, Ellen
my mom caught me trying on her under clothes when I was preschool age...she didn't make a big deal about it. she didn't think I was broken and she didn't call a therapist and that was in 1958
Thank you everyone for the advice. Just a little update. I have not talked with my son about this yet. ( not sure im comfortable with it) like many have said when I was his age last person I would have wanted to talk to would be my dad. But I do have a lot of knowledge about the subject. When my wife told me she let it up to me whether I talk about it or not. Alot has been going through my head about it. I don't have time now to type all my crazy thoughts down but ill definitely keep you updated. Thanks again for all your advice. It gives me more to think about.
If your wife promised your son she would not tell you I would avoid talking to him.
In the future he may not be so open to talk to your wife.
Last edited by Lea; 10-31-2023 at 07:54 AM.
@Lea:
This is a great point and one I agree with. Quksilver420 would it be okay with you and your wife if willing that she share with your son that you crossdress? IDK how that would go over in your family, but it may work. Its just a thought.
Last edited by Kitty Sue; 10-31-2023 at 09:29 PM. Reason: Please do not quote the post just before yours
Just another man in a dress
When I was a young teenager it was the 1960's and I had feelings of inadequacy. Nobody talked about gays and lesbians or cross-dressing men who were dumped into the "gay" category. My parents were homophobic and I would have been beaten to death; verbally, if not physically. It is good your wife approached him in that manner. Your son may feel he had "let down" his father because he is "not manly;" whatever that may be these days.
I would not consider your son's action anymore than what it is, i.e., exploration. At best, perhaps your wife would tell her son that she knows her husband well enough that he would not be upset with him. Frankly, most kids know more than their parents give them credit for. The worst thing a parent can do is make a son think what he is doing is wrong. Your son is going to have a lot of angst trying to deal with his desires and needs. I would not have him run off to a counselor. However, somewhere a long the way he is going to have to realize secrecy is not good if he is in a serious relationship. Does that mean your wife will in some way suggest a woman should know of a man's need to wear women's clothing? Frankly, in my teen years there were no discussions in the public forum. Now? It's spread all over the front page and on the evening news. It's got to be difficult for any young boy to navigate through daily life.
He's 14 so it's not like you don't have some time to move through this. For the most part it seems that it would be best just to continue to let him know you love him even if his exploration is never acknowledged.
It seems like any communications about the subject should be allowed to come as naturally as possible. I can't imagine that outside help would be warranted at this point. Your wife can take the lead in being sensitive to any developments and those can be addressed as needed. Just love him.
in the early 2000's I confessed to my then 20-something son that I'd never felt particularly masculine ever in my life. I never had the typical "man" interests. He didn't say anything at the time, but a year or two later, while on a hike together through the mountains, he told me that he'd considered my words and that I was the best man he'd ever known. That vulnerability on my part and his response was sort of a defining moment in our relationship. .
Both conversations with my son took place before I ever owned my own panties and he has no idea about my current alternative wardrobe. While I'd never felt masculine, I'd never acknowledged or explored the fact that I could be heterosexual/monogamous and still have strong androgynous/feminine aesthetic sensibilities. That's ongoing.
Last edited by Bea_; 10-31-2023 at 11:50 AM.
I would talk to him, and say there is nothing wrong about be curious or even to wear women clothes. It?s not the clothes who define us.
But, as said above, I would ask, by curiosity, what was the driver. This could open to lots of other conversations, and have your son trust is a gift for any father.
But, just have an open conversation to him.
Good luck!
If I were in your shoes I would tell my son dresses, etc would be part of his clothing allowance. After all clothes are just clothes. If I go around wearing dresses in public I would certainly allow my son to do likewise. The only thing I would strongly advise him to wear his dresses as a MAN, just like his father.
John
John (Legal name)
Preferred pronouns: he, his, him
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