Mixed messages from wife navigating new CD

[Samantha51]

Hi. This is my first post (other than intro). I'm new to CD being a full on drive, likely obsessive. Previously it was occasional panty wearing, so my wife and I are in the early stages of working things out. Hopefully as she said yesterday "I love you too much to stop you being yourself, but I'm just not sure I can be with you like that". Nothing imminent. Gulp, I don't want that if we can work things out. Lots of turmoil and stress here, most significantly to her accepting CD is that I'm out of work and us not being able to afford a normal life on her salary alone, a normal life where CD could be balanced with husband and wife activities. I've recently been prescribed anti depressants as I've lost my mojo, for work and other things too. CD has filled the void.

But OTOH she came back from a lunch on Saturday expecting me to be in one of her dresses (even though she gave me warning she was on her way home). She'd had a rare good time with friends and said she'd have been fine with me being dressed, even though previously she's asked me to not wear her nice stuff (which is the only stuff I want to wear).

I know finding out after 20+ years that her husband is a CD is a huge shock (I told her, I wasn't found out) and I'm being slow (as best I can) and patient. I'm ready to talk anytime but she doesn't want to really so I don't know my own boundaries, what her limits are. Just vague request that I don't ask permission.

She says of course "I married a man" and all that. She's never been one to easily open up and talk about her own feelings.

Any thoughts would be welcome. Thanks!

[samantha lane]

Suggesting therapy for yourself at this critical time. Depression is controllable with the right medication. Talking with a therapist allows you to find answers about yourself from your own conciseness'. The pink fog will subside in time, and perhaps getting your own wardrobe will smooth out the difficulty with your wife. You're not alone many of us have traveled down this road.

[Samantha51]

Thank you, I do feel supported by the reddit group and I'm sure here too. My doctor just called about the Citalopram and she's nice too and I was able to have a decent conversation about the CD: it's bloody nice to talk to someone IRL and not be coy/embarrassed/ashamed about it. From an occasional panty wearing to this and being comfortable talking about it (admittedly nobody IRL) is amazing progress.

I'm speaking to the NHS mental health team on December 12th. My GP referred me as she was frankly worried about some suicidal ideation as I've finally convinced all my pensions and know my wife would get it all tax-free if I weren't here. No imminent danger though, no panic! I'll see what happens about therapy there. I cannot afford private therapy at the moment with me not working. Ideally we'd have individual and couples therapy but my wife is resistant to it (Pollyanna mode), talingt has always been an issue.

Thank you!

[Helen_Highwater]

Sam,

Read your intro and yours is a not uncommon predicament. One thing I would say is the sooner you can have your own things the better.

I know so many of us, me included, started off initially wearing our Mom's clothes and move on to our wives things in later life but having your our femme things is the better way to go. Even if you're the same size, tearing something by accident isn't a good thing. And trust me, zips have a malicious side that'll look to trap you in to not being able to get out of something!

You'll find members here who have relationships where wives borrow clothing from their CD husband and visa versa. Having your own things, especially underwear, let's face it wearing your wife's knickers can seem a bt kinky, is a good place to start.

I appreciate money is tight at the moment but it's worth discussing with your SO if when your situation improves, buying yourself perhaps with her help, a cheap pack of knickers from the supermarket, would be something she'd be comfortable with. Baby steps.

[CharlotteCD]

I'll just jump in and say Reddit is not the most balanced site to put your trust in. They are, if anything, too far on the side of "This is perfectly fine, everybody should just accept us, and it's on them to change" in the most part from my experience.

This site will provide much more balance and nuance, especially from the wives and partners of CD'ers.

[Samantha51]

Suggesting therapy for yourself at this critical time. Depression is controllable with the right medication. Talking with a therapist allows you to find answers about yourself from your own conciseness'. The pink fog will subside in time, and perhaps getting your own wardrobe will smooth out the difficulty with your wife. You're not alone many of us have traveled down this road.

Sam,

Read your intro and yours is a not uncommon predicament. One thing I would say is the sooner you can have your own things the better.

I know so many of us, me included, started off initially wearing our Mom's clothes and move on to our wives things in later life but having your our femme things is the better way to go. Even if you're the same size, tearing something by accident isn't a good thing. And trust me, zips have a malicious side that'll look to trap you in to not being able to get out of something!

You'll find members here who have relationships where wives borrow clothing from their CD husband and visa versa. Having your own things, especially underwear, let's face it wearing your wife's knickers can seem a bt kinky, is a good place to start.

I appreciate money is tight at the moment but it's worth discussing with your SO if when your situation improves, buying yourself perhaps with her help, a cheap pack of knickers from the supermarket, would be something she'd be comfortable with. Baby steps.

Hi Helen,

My own pack of 5 knickers is the only thing I have bought for myself (in store &#128513, white cotton from M&S though importantly to me they have the slightest frill bordering it and a tiny bow. I did buy two summer dresses from Amazon, one was too large and I returned it and the other I purged because I became uncomfortable after my wife saw me in it after a hard day's teaching. I suppose it all started with me buying a sarong which I do still have.

I want all my own stuff eventually (if CD is actually real). I also want to learn makeup, mannerisms, walking, etc. All to be negotiated.

A dream (sadly I think just a dream) would be to go out with my wife occasionally for dinner and a show, or away together for a night or two.

Hopefully the antidepressants will help me find my mojo again.

I'm also using this partly to reduce my people pleasing and RSD. A conservative 1970's childhood.

Thank you again

[Debbie Denier]

You have been open and honest with your wife, which is a big positive. I would just take things slow . Your wife needs time to process your CD. You may or may not find CD therapeutic . You can find some nice clothing at a cheaper price in charity shops and may wish to go in that direction.

[char GG]

You have been open and honest with your wife. That is a good first step. She sounds like she is trying to be accepting but is having her own confusing thoughts about CDing. Keep the lines of of communication open. I can almost guarantee that one day she may be ok with CDing, another day she will have fears and doubts -it's like a roller coaster.

Perhaps focus on finding a job before you focus too heavily on CDing. That may relieve some of the stress that your wife may experience, if both of you are working.

As far as wearing her things: please don't. There are charity/resale shops in the UK that you may be able to pick up a few things of your own. It will take a while before you develop your own style but please respect her personal items and unless she actually gifts items to you that she has finished with, stay out of them.

It isn't easy for a wife to open up about her feelings if she feels her husband will be disappointed. If course she will be thinking "she married a man", "where did this all come from"? That's part of the problem with a later in life realization and/or reveal. Don't dwell on CDing but keep her in the loop.

Also, other sites (such as Reddit), that have pictures that are unrealistic. Some are highly modified. Many CDers don't look like their pictures in real life. Don't think that those CDers in photos are the way the really look. Keep you expectations in check.

After you have 10 posts, you will be able to access a part of this forum called: Loved Ones. There you may find many posts that will be helpful to you.

[Samantha51]

Hi Char,

I can well imagine the roller-coaster she's feeling. I feel a roller-coaster myself; sometimes I just want to stop it all other times I want to continue and dress frequently.

Job hunting should be my priority as money is fast running out. I am struggling (hence the anti-depressants) as I have lost my mojo to work as a programmer - all I've known for 35+ years.

Somehow I need to find the courage to go and get my own stuff from charity shops and just say "sod it". It's all a growth experience anyway which is what I want to do. Deciding that this is MY life and to stop being a "good little boy" as I was raised!

The lines are open and we're talking more since our last son went to uni. Things are slowly getting better with the dancing lessons, watching "Kinky Boots" (she said I'd look good in a pair!), Ru Paul Drag Race, etc - getting a little easier to have fun with her.

I didn't know about this forum until yesterday, so I've only had Reddit! This is such a good find! I used FaceApp earlier and was blown away how pretty I looked, before learning it was a lie. I've used it since just to add makeup and add long hair and it's pretty good, and I think more realistic.

Thanks,
Samantha (not sure about the name yet)

[Di]

I applaud you being open and hope you both continue doing so.
She does not know yet how she feels.
Sounds like she loves you and wants to try and take this journey with you.
You do not know either ( from your intro) So she probably is getting mixed messages from you as well.
I urge you to keep the lines of communication open and see.
Please listen to her and hear her ( sounds like you are)
Sounds like she is with you as well.
Agree get your own things ….
Keep things open
Do not get into what we call pink fog here…….where everything is about the cding
Keep talking .
We have a FAB section here for your wife if she wants to talk to others.
If you are in the closet she is as well so we have a safe place here for the GGs .
Best Wishes

[Samantha51]

Di,

I shall suggest the FAB section but I doubt she'd join as before I knew about this site I suggested she look at r/crossdressers_wives which was the best I knew about and seems good advice (I've scoured it in particular to try and see things from the perspective of SOs). She dismissed the idea (though she might look herself in private I suppose). She might already be there or here, I just don't know! She has said she's been doing her own research, so that's good.

I try and keep the lines open, both semi-formally asking and also funny asides like buying boots like in Kinky Boots film, chatting about makeup in Ru Paul. She said yesterday I've been (and habit of) "bulldozing" her which was new to me. Something for me to be aware of. She said she wouldn't tell me when I'm doing it (I asked).

"Pink fog" is a very apt term for how I've been. I need to keep busy on other things.

Thanks for your kind words and advice.

[rachelatshop]

Hello Sam, Sorry to hear about your problems, but glad to see that you and your wife are at least talking, That is a good point as it would look like she also wants things to work out and still loves you. My advice is to go as slow as you can and most important is to find a JOB no matter what it is because it will give you some other focus and more self esteem. Best of luck

[char GG]

Chiming in once more:

If I had any advice for your wife, it would be to consider many different sources for info about CDing. Include medical, physiological, educational, and not just here or any online forum. When I first learned of my hubby's CDing, I found a site about wives of CDers which was certainly not the best source of information, that one hurt more than helped.

A well-rounded education including listening to what you have to say. Every CDer has a different motivation, likes and dislikes. Your input to her will be the most important. Keep that line of communication open. Best of luck to you both.

[Crissy 107]

Samantha, The fact that your wife said you were bulldozing her, to me, is a giant red flag, if you keep doing that, in her opinion, not yours, you will almost certainly lose any help or cooperation.
I think you should slow up some and listen to what she says.

[Samantha51]

Samantha, The fact that your wife said you were bulldozing her, to me, is a giant red flag, if you keep doing that, in her opinion, not yours, you will almost certainly lose any help or cooperation.
I think you should slow up some and listen to what she says.

Hi Crissy, I've just read (and bookmarked) the entirety of the "Now I Like It, Now I Don't" thread (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...-I-Don-t/page3) and honestly I'm horrified at myself. Horrified if I've already bulldozed her irreparably too far with talk of bras, shoes, makeup, possibly being genderfluid or bi-gender, asking to watch her put makeup on, wanting to watch "Kinky Boots", "Ru Paul Drag race", etc. Noy having a whiff of patience. I had no idea I was so far up my own Pink Fog backside. Those CD subreddits fuelled the fire, alongside FaceApp images. But my obsessive nature is the real issue and wanting to "help" her understand and grow.

I shall let my hair grow again, focus on finding a job, normalising things whilst trying to inject some normal fun and letting CD bubble slowly.

Thanks to everyone here. Already showed so much wisdom and compassion in less than one day here.
Samantha

[chelyann]

[[ She said yesterday I've been (and habit of) "bulldozing" her ]], my suggestion is to stop and let her Process this or she maybe your X-wife. she already stated [[ "I love you too much to stop you being yourself, but I'm just not sure I can be with you like that".]] good luck

[Samantha51]

Char,

Having read the entirety of https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...It-Now-I-Don-t then I realise I need to slow right down, let her lead more, however much I think she's ignoring the issue. Keep it light from my side.

I shall gently suggest the "Loved Ones" forum but even that could be construed as bulldozing at this time, as she really has never been that open about talking.

As I said to Crissy, I'm pretty horrified by how I've bulldozered her about this, and so many other things.

Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
A journey of a 1000 miles starts with a single step.

Thanks,
Me

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Thanks. Hopefully I've realized my mistake quickly enough and can give her space.

[docrobbysherry]

My 2 cents:

Money issues cause the most problems in marriages and most divorces. I think u need to get back to work. Then, u can afford to CD the way u and your wife agree that works for u both!

[Crissy 107]

Samantha, Good luck going forward in your life. I was going to say CD Journey but it is the whole life puzzle involved.
We are here to help if we can and it is up to you to root through the advice and see what works for you both.

[Samantha51]

Thank you. You are 100% right that it's the life journey and CD is (likely) part of that journey of fun, growth, discovery, adventure, sharing and joy.