Having "The Talk" with an accepting wife who doesn't want to talk

[Samantha51]

Hi. I've received and read lots of advice that talking, communicating is essential, both "the talk" and ongoing as things develop. I see the value of this, you set boundaries, etc.

My wife, however, doesn't want to talk, I've tried a few times. She replied something like "don't overthink it, or make it too formal". That's cool, but she's also made it clear she married a man, not a woman and there might be a threshold where she's had enough and would want to end the marriage. Things have improved in general from that pretty low ebb for us, so that might not be true anymore, but without talking to find boundaries how do I know what I can do, how I can develop?

She's also (as I've said before) said she loves me too much to stand in my way, but that she might not be able to stay with me. I want to stay together, CD be damned.

She's accepting and not discouraging (painting my nails, not aghast when I asked to sleep with her in a nightie, etc).

How do I find my boundaries without being too formal/legalistic? I suppose slowly slowly, but perhaps I'm already pushing, e.g. asking to sleep with her wearing a nightie. The last thing I want to do is blunderingly burst the bubble of her love.

[docrobbysherry]

If she won't discuss it then u have few choices. If u know certain things repulse her don't do those around her and hope for the best!

Or, u could force her to reply by setting parameters for u both. Something like this:

"Dear, I worry my dressing to the 9's here at home mite disturb u. So, I will only do that when you're away. I'll tell u when I'm going to do that so neither of us will be surprised. Ok?"

I set up a similar DADT scenario with my displeased, adult, live in daughter. It worked very well and we never had to discuss my dressing again!

[Kris Burton]

"Dear, I worry my dressing to the 9's here at home mite disturb u. So, I will only do that when you're away. I'll tell u when I'm going to do that so neither of us will be surprised. Ok?"

I think this is very solid advice. It's hard to know what the boundaries are if you discuss all possibilities ahead of time - very overwhelming for both of you. Let her know ahead of time what you want to do before you do it, see what the response is. Remember also it's a very slow process, and I believe best to proceed one small step at a time, gauging reaction to each step as you proceed.

[Gillian Gigs]

You popped up on the horizon just recently, so my guess is that everything is all very new. If the wife doesn't want talk about, you may be rushing too fast. She probably needs time to process all of what has been going on. You said that she loves you too much to stand in your way, then add that she might not be able to stay with you. This could mean "I love you too much to say stop, but how far do you want to go?" Then, "If you go too far, I might to be able to stay". Now that sounds scarier than anyone would want to hear.

You guys need to communicate. You must give her time to think about all of this first. Give her as much time as she needs and tell her that, then wait and be patient. She might be in a type of mental shock, and processing all of this can be difficult if the sound of the bomb going off is still ringing in her ears. As the Rolling Stones sang, "you can't always get what you want", means be prepared for compromises, and honesty on where you see this CD'ing going.

[Veronica Lacey]

Hi Samantha...

Some boundaries from spouses are not as cut and dried and expeditious as we would like them to be or, perhaps more to the point, not exactly what we want them to be. From my own experiences and what you've shared here, my interpretation would be as follows.

• She accepts where you're at today.
• She doesn't want you to approach her to discuss this anymore, perhaps not even "the talk".
• She wants subtle yet real assurances that you are still her man more than she wants to see "your woman".

Your thought of "slowly, slowly" equals spreading out your wants over the next several years/decades. Too much too soon could spell trouble. Your version of "too soon" is likely different than hers. Long term patience is so vital to this dance.

If there is one thing over the years that my reasonably patient wife has chosen to be vocal about it would be those times when she has agreed or accepted a small facet of my dressing after a "talk" or two. If I then even hinted towards asking about something more in the following weeks/months she would quietly and politely remind me that this is a problem: she gives a little and I still want more. When is enough enough?

It is with that in mind that I long ago concluded and adopted the belief that I've asked for enough, she's accepted enough, we have found her limit. Anything beyond that limit I simply choose to do when she is out of the house (she knows of this scheduling and is 100% fine with it) and I never bring it up, never ask for more even in gentle discussion. If she sees something or witnesses a new parcel arriving she is ok with it but I also try my best to avoid those moments. This approach eventually - over the years - reassured her and removed any threat of "losing her man" to my dressing wants. We now both feel comfortable and good about it all with a healthy equilibrium.

I sure hope you can find the balance that you seek.

[GretchenJ]

She's accepting and not discouraging (painting my nails, not aghast when I asked to sleep with her in a nightie, etc).

How do I find my boundaries without being too formal/legalistic? I suppose slowly slowly, but perhaps I'm already pushing, e.g. asking to sleep with her wearing a nightie. The last thing I want to do is blunderingly burst the bubble of her love.

Hi Samantha,


My guess (and it’s only a guess) is that you spouse can not tell you what your boundaries are , because she in all likelihood doesn’t know what her boundaries are. I think that the slow approach, along with trial and error, is going to be the operating environment for the foreseeable future.


This may not be a bad thing at all. It seems you have a supportive partner, so the key will be communication, it may not be an hour sit down, but it may be a simple “I am not comfortable with that”. Be adaptable and enjoy the journey.

[Geena75]

I'm on the outside looking in with this subject. I would suppose the important thing is that she knows what you expressed to us -- you like dressing up and want to keep doing it, but you Love her and don't want to change that relationship. With that in mind, she can feel free to cue you in if she thinks you are taking things too far, before it becomes an issue.

[Crissy 107]

Hey Sam, A lot of good advice here already. I think one of the most important things is to not go to far too fast. Doing that has caused many problems for our community.
I know the feelings, she was ok with this so I can go forward and do that. This is not the best strategy because you will go over the line in her head and that is the unknown.
You need to talk and go very slow, we have seen this here like forever. Good luck!

[Aka_Donna]

Do you have a support group for job search, or given up?

[GretchenM]

Sherry's advice is excellent. We have a tendency to desire moving faster than such a huge change can be adapted to for the mate. It is pretty clear your wife has made a strong statement that she married a man; my wife feels the same way. That is a major boundary, like it or not. Don't push the envelope or she will push back and your relationship will be in some degree of trouble; maybe a lot. To keep that union together it is mainly you that needs to adapt to her limits. Move slowly and with baby steps and always with consideration for her feelings.

She has also effectively informed you that she recognizes and respects your needs and desires. There may not be a need for the talk, especially if the "talk" is in a sense of "This is what I need to do ..." That is imposing your desires on her and expecting her to adapt to that. That is a behavior that is stereotypically male-like (as in King of the Home). I am sure you would not intend that but think about what she feels before laying such a "demands" on her.

In her eyes you are effectively becoming more female-like. That is not an unacceptable behavior to a lot of women; in fact many women tend to appreciate that added consideration and tenderness that operates by asking questions rather than making statements and setting rules. Go very slowly and with tons of consideration for her feelings. You will likely end up being limited like I am, but you won't suddenly be alone watching her go out the door. It is really a wonderful feeling to be genuinely more female-like, that is, a bit more like her in your gender position rather than trying to maintain a male dominance of some kind. It is all in the behavior and not in the appearance.

[Celee]

There is some really good advice here so dont push your wife too far too fast. I havent had the official Talk with my wife yet but she knows about my dressing. I let her lead any conversation we have. If she wants to know something I tell her honestly and if she doesn?t I dont push her. We are definitely in a dadt situation so it works for now. Sometimes I get a strong urge to tell her more but then I weigh the pros and cons and try to see it from her perspective and if it is too much for her then I dont bring it up and let things be as they are.

[Heather76]

As my wife doesn't particularly care to talk about my cross dressing, we've pretty well reached the point where I would do what I wanted to do and she would voice displeasure if it bothered her. Examples are plenty.
1. When I first started wearing panties, I told her and she asked why I felt the need to tell her. I told her I didn't think we should keep secrets from each other.
2. When I first purchased fishnets and a nightie, I simply appeared in them one evening. She looked and said something along the lines of "When did you get those?"
3. When I purchased my first bralettes, she saw them in my dresser drawer while putting away some laundry. Nothing was said.
4. When I purchased my first dress, I just changed into one evening after dinner. That's when she voiced that she would prefer not to see me with makeup and a wig.

The bottom line is, when I take another step forward, I "talk" with her by showing her. I expect that if she has an objection she will tell me. She did tell me early on that since we live in OUR home, I should be able to do what I want inside it. The only true inflexible boundary is that our family and friends don't learn I CD. I'm 100% fine with that.

[Cacique82]

Maybe not quite the same but when I had the talk she could tell it was difficult for me. I brought it up a few times and she assured me it was all good. She had no concerns. For me I was overthinking it. Which it was a big deal to me. She is very open about many things. “If you want to wear some panties or a nightgown that’s fine, they’re just clothes”. I’ve learned to accept that. So if I get into bed in a nightgown or she finds some undies in the wash it’s just a normal thing anymore.

[Stephanie47]

My wife and I had "The Talk" in the early 1980's and no conversations since then. She does not want to converse. She made it perfectly clear, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman." Over the decades she has told me where is placed a panty and a bra I had failed to put away. Or, I had left the computer open to this site, and, just saying I should be careful just in case we had an unexpected visitor.

When it comes to that forever being mentioned about coming clean before marriage it worked both ways. In my youth/teen years I had messed around with my mother's clothing. When I outgrew her clothing that was it for years. Now, you're going to get married. Do you tell your soon-to-be bride of that youthful time when you figure it was over and done with or do you bring it up? Well, my wife let me off the hook because she failed to provide me with a detailed list of her past. I'm talking about serious shit that has affected her all through our marriage. She knows I have accepted her "as is" and she accepts me "as is."

I do not know or can give you any suggestions on how to approach the subject. My wife made it clear she is strictly "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." However, when we had "The Talk" she also said, if I wanted to join a support group that was alright with her.

[CarlaWestin]

She made it perfectly clear, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman."

The Talk seems to always be a search for permission and acceptance from the CD point of view but, a spouse usually sees it as her man wanting to be a woman.
And then every bad thing that it could possibly mean like what would the neighbors think if a drag queen was mowing the lawn.
"Oh, that's just Bob. He's decided he's a woman now."

I just think full acceptance because of the talk is rare. Full DADT works wonderfully as an alternative to permission or acceptance.