A fear that not only you feel!

[marieclaire]

Crossdressing is still a big taboo, and it raises fears even in those who don?t practice it.

One of a crossdresser?s biggest fears is that of being ?caught? doing it. It starts with the risk that the boy who is trying on his mother?s or sister?s bra will be caught by the real owner of the piece, or even by his father or someone else.

The boy realizes that he likes to wear a bra ? or any other feminine clothing ? and feels insecure:

?I?m a boy. I?m a man. But I like women?s clothes. Do I want to be a woman? Am I trans? What is my sexual orientation??

After a while, he decides to buy his own clothes.

?If I buy in a store, will anyone notice? What if I meet someone I know? If I buy online and someone opens my order and finds out everything??

Then, unable to practice crossdressing explicitly, he has the idea of practicing underdressing outside the home.

?I?m wearing panties and a bra under my men?s clothes. What if someone notices? What if the panties show? What if the outline of the bra shows? What if I get sick and the doctors discover my ?secret???

Then he starts a relationship ? with a woman. More fears, more doubts.

?Do I tell her? What about the temptation to try on her clothes in secret? Would hiding my crossdressing or wearing her clothes in secret be cheating??

The crossdresser experiences several fears throughout their experience. But whoever is next to him too.

Imagine the mother catching her son wearing her clothes.

?Is this normal? Should I take him to a psychologist? Is this an illness? Does he want to be a woman? Does he like men??

Some parents are more violent and apply punishments and beatings to ?correct? their child. Others try to talk to him. But still they are afraid. For them, their son is not ?normal? now.

The situation is made worse by the fear of other people finding out. ?What if my son is judged by others? Or even attacked for wearing women?s clothing??

In the romantic field, the situation is no different. It would be a shock for a woman to hear from her husband that he likes to wear women?s clothes ? even worse would be to catch him in that condition.

?Does he want to be like me? Does he want to compete with me? Does he want to be a woman? Does he really like women? Does he really like me? What if he?s using me as a facade? What if he wants a man? What if he wants me? Exchange for a man??

A woman in this condition may even have her self-esteem compromised: ?Maybe I?m not a good woman, that?s why he?s acting like this??

Furthermore, it is clear that women, sisters and mothers of crossdressers will not feel comfortable discovering that their husbands, boyfriends, brothers and children were secretly wearing their clothes ? including their underwear. In addition to being an invasion of privacy, this may be unhygienic.

To better deal with taboos and fears, the first step is information. Understanding the difference between gender identity, gender expression, sexuality and other topics is very important.

It is also necessary to have dialogue. This resolves many doubts between the crossdresser and his mother, sister or wife. Dialogue must be respected by both sides. If the crossdresser wants to have the freedom to express his feminine side, he must do so with his own clothes ? after all, it is not very hygienic to wear other people?s panties. Furthermore, most women expect to have a relationship with a certain profile of man, which often does not fit into a crossdresser. Many women even tolerate their husbands? crossdressing, but prefer not to see it in practice. It?s their right. Be the man she wants to see and have by her side when you are with her.

Obviously there are exceptions: Women can benefit from their husbands/boyfriends? crossdressing: from combining the practice with sexual games to even having a partner who understands them better as a woman and helps them with everyday issues.

Transparency is also important. Many women feel betrayed when they discover ?by chance? that their husbands dress like her. Many men hide the practice for fear of losing their girlfriend or wife. On the other hand, when people talk about crossdressing they may walk away. It?s a big taboo.

It is very important that you evaluate your crossdressing if you enter into a relationship. If you realize that she would not support your hobby, consider not entering into the relationship or staying away from crossdressing. Life is made of choices, and each choice is a renunciation. Evaluate what is best for you in the long term. Crossdressing in secret while your wife is away is safe? until she arrives early!

Psychological help can be very positive for the crossdresser ? and their family members. It helps to establish dialogue, clarify doubts and improve relationships. Consider couples or family therapy. Individually, therapy will show you paths and facilitate decision-making, reducing fear.

? What fears do you have regarding crossdressing?

? Do you think your mother, sister, girlfriend or wife has any fears about your crossdressing?

? How do you and those close to you deal with these fears?

[GaleWarning]

At my age, they are no longer fears. They are now only concerns.

My greatest concern is that a former SO might publish very unflattering pictures she has me, crossdressed, on some social media platform.

[Helen_Highwater]

An interesting read and I was struck by a phrase often seen here, "be the man she wants to see".

Being "the man" in a relationship, in it's traditional way, the sole provider to the stay at home little lady of the house, the hunter/gatherer.

While there are still physical jobs traditionally the domain of men, building workers, lumberjacking, truck driving, these conjour up a familiar concept, the reality is women are now taking on these roles even now finding equality in the armed forces.

How many of us have or do earn a living bashing a keyboard, a glorified typist traditionally a woman's role.

It's now not uncommon for relationships to be build around personality, ones that display greater degrees of caring and sharing of roles. Preparing meals is now likely to be a shared role and not the sole domain of the woman in a relationship.

That said, there's still a long way to go to fully overcome those stereotypes made harder by the trans bashing promoted by various sections of the media and indeed governments.

[Debs]

"Crossdressing is still a big taboo" completely disagree with you there, I go out on a regular basis and meet many xdressers and transgenger girls, if you know where to go there are a lot of them, so I wouldnt call it a taboo these days just more fear of what the natives with torches and forks will do when your out and about, but believe it or not, I go out safely in public a lot, in fact was out with a couple of the girls on this forum only last week walking round Manchester a big city, times have changed. If you have a dadt relationship, there nothing stopping you going to a hotel and getting dressed, hotels these days totally accept us, and I've been in many and never had a problem. Its not such a big deal anymore well in the UK it isnt, well as for fear, I have non.

[GretchenM]

An excellent review of the many issues of crossdressing and related identity issues that can result in fears that influence a person's behavior that would be likely in a gender free cultural setting. I don't think this is as much a taboo as it was in the past, but in some local social structures that taboo still exists. As Gina Rippon points out in her "Gender and Our Brains," most of this attitude is due to the lasting impact of historical perspectives that established a strong binary view in nearly all societies. Those attitudes were based on contrived "experiments" intended to promote a patriarchal structure and the idea that the male is dominant and female subordinate who serves the directives of the male. But abundant evidence shows that was not a common lifestyle prior to a couple of thousand years ago when male and female were much more equal with regard to their roles.

I still have some fears of violating the DADT agreement my wife and I have, but it has become a way of life. I can show my femininity as well as masculinity irrespective of what clothes I wear. Clothes don't really matter that much now that I understand the way gender actually functions within each person. The clothes add something to it but are no longer necessary. The female-like portions of my total identity contribute to my total personality in everything that I do. So the fears that I still have are a result of violating the historical standards of dressing; that part I still have not resolved internally. Basically a "don't rock the boat" kind of view.

That said, I have found that mild expressions of my female-like traits generate few issues and are even sometimes viewed as a bit attractive to some females, but the frowns primarily come from males who probably view it as undermining male authority. In my view those mild expressions act to chip away at the historical rigidity of gender differentiation and take baby steps toward a more free gender society where, ideally, no body really cares what you wear with regard to expressing who you are, just be honest.

[Gillian Gigs]

What fears do you have regarding crossdressing?
I am at the point in life where I don't really care what others think about me anymore. Any real fear would be getting rejected by some of my best friends who couldn't handle the thought of me being who I am. Traditional thinking is very present in my age group.

Do you think your wife has any fears about your crossdressing?
Yes, my wife has fears especially regarding how our children would respond if they were to find out about my tastes in clothing. If I were to die first, she would be able to remove any items from the closets and drawers. What her concern is, what happens if she dies first, then the ones to clean out my closet and drawers will be one of the children. They would then know about my clothes.

How do you and those close to you deal with these fears?
For me, how people respond to finding out is beyond my control. Each day has enough trouble of its' own, without me looking for any more troubles! For my wife, she has to accept the fact that after our deaths, some interesting tidbits may come into the light.

[Cheryl T]

I packed all my fears away some years ago thanks to very supportive friends and a fully accepting and supportive spouse.
At my age I can no longer worry about what others think and I no longer care.

[Bea_]

? What fears do you have regarding crossdressing?

? Do you think your mother, sister, girlfriend or wife has any fears about your crossdressing?

? How do you and those close to you deal with these fears?

Fears?
My biggest fear is that virtually everyone I know would have their opinion of me altered negatively were they to see me as I see myself. That altered opinion would likely cause them to distance themselves from me.

Mother, Sister, Girlfriend, Wife & DAUGHTER fears/reactions
We all receive part of our identity from those we associate with. I get a significant part of my identity from the wife I choose and vice versa. Mother's get part of their identity from who her children are perceived to be in the world. So, their fears would likely be that they themselves cannot be who they want to be if their family members identities do not support that identity.

Dealing with the fears.
I've been working with a therapist for a couple of years, starting with other issues before moving to the issue of my crossdressing. Finding the boundaries of my own identity have been the biggest accomplishments in exploring who I am, what I want and pinpointing some of the reasons I want what I want. We've also worked on how much of my own identity I'm willing to sacrifice to appease others. It has helped me to be gently assertive in expressing my tastes.

[Karren H]

I am not fearlessly by any measure but I do not let it overwhelm me. Having some amount of fear is a good thing. Keeps you grounded and aware of your surroundings. (40 years of underground coal mining just kicked in).

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Marie Clair , That story could've been posted by so many of us,

[Sharon budd]

A very thoughtful and interesting post. These feelings, so eloquently described, are very relatable. The title also conveys a sadness that I have often considered how my being affects others. It can seem like it is something we pass on, so not only are we burdened with these anxieties, but also loved ones become affected. How often do we read that a loved one can accept our crossdressing as long as no one else knows. Our fears become their fears.
Hugs, Sharon.