Misperception

[Sandi Beech]

Hi all,

It seems some of us have a misperception. When we go out en femme, people tend to automatically treat us based on our presentation , passing or not. When we look as if we went to a lot of effort, it goes even further. People will hold doors for us and say mam, etc. If you are adventuresome enough to go clubbing , often women will pull us into their groups of friends. It is an automatic thing. People tend to treat us how we are presenting, passing or not. That said, I make sure there is nothing ambiguous about how I am presenting when I go out. They know for sure I am presenting as female.

My only point is to not let it burst your bubble if people pick up you are a CD. Most are going to treat you as if you pass regardless, and the feeling is wonderful.

Sandi

[Cheryl T]

Well said.
Dress the part, act the part and be confident and people will treat you accordingly.

[Crissy 107]

Sandi, Good post, I think you could write a book on this subject

[Sandi Beech]

Exactly Cheryl,

Sometimes we focus too much on the elusive passing. Doing what you said works quite well.

Sandi

[docrobbysherry]

I have only passed a few times at Halloween. And, I can tell u being thot of and treated as a genetic woman is not always a picnic!

However, when I'm out I dress for me! I want to see a pretty woman in my mirror.

As far as what other people see and think of me? That's none of my business.

I'm with u on dressing to blend and other forms of androgenous dressing, Sandi. I guess I'm too old to be anything other than binary.

[kimdl93]

I do make an effort to be presentable and I think, though I cannot read minds, that I at least get the benefit of the doubt more often than not. Last night, for example, I went to a local wine bar for live music, drinks and dinner. (This was not my usual, this one stays open till 9 pm and serves light meals and deserts along with a wide array of wines)

The place was jam-packed for the band and the ugly christmas sweater competition, so the hostess asked several ladies if I could be seated with them. They were very welcoming and soon I was joined in conversation. If they read me, they never gave a hint. Maybe they were just polite, maybe they simply accepted me to be as I presented, a (ahem) woman of a certain age. When I mentioned that my 71st birthday was approaching, one of the ladies (probably late 50s/early 60s) said, OMG, whatever you are doing, keep doing it! You look great!

All in all this really goes to Sandi’s point.

[NancySue]

Truer words ever spoken. Agree.

[Emily in the south]

Such a great post Sandi!
I agree so much about the effort we like to go to, I always try to be a good representative of our community.

Emily

[Genifer Teal]

I completely agree with everything you say. I'm not sure the point of you're saying it. How else would you expect people to treat us? Maybe I've just gotten used to it. Perhaps I need to hear the opposite side of this.
What do people do besides appreciate and Go along with it? I know there are many here who are die hard male in everything they do and this doesn't change that. maybe they feel a need to remind people they are male? I don't know. I don't want to guess. I'm asking what the opposite side of this is? I never thought there was an opposite side.

[Sandi Beech]

Genifer,

All I am saying is this. Some of us have had limited interactions with others while crossdressed and as a result, may make false assumptions about passing based on those few interactions. It may boost confidence to have someone say mam, etc. That does not mean it was a pass, it means the presentation was good. We are treated more about how we present than whether we pass is what I am saying.

In the end, it is good enough for me. I do not worry about passing, but I do try to look my best.

Sandi

[Phoebe Reece]

Sandi, I agree completely with what you said. It's been my experience that people have often interacted with me and treated me fully as a woman, even when they knew full well that I am just a crossdresser. I think it is a somewhat unconscious reaction based on the various things that people see, hear, and even smell. It's not necessary to completely be "passable". You just have to have a little more feminine rather than masculine presentation to get that reaction from most people. I also try to look my best, but I won't "pass" under close inspection. Many women seem to appreciate the effort we make and often hand out compliments on a dress or accessory I may be wearing. I have more fun talking with people that know I'm a crossdresser than the few who may not. When it stops being fun, I'll quit crossdressing.

Phoebe

[Aunt Kelly]

I could not agree more, and have said the same thing for years. In fact, I've always said that passing is a myth. The vast majority of us will get "clocked" the moment we invite anything more than passing notice (no pun intended), and It. Does. Not. Matter.
The social contract still applies in most situations and, by and large, people will treat you with respect, which is to say as the gender you are presenting. So smile, say please and thank you, and otherwise act like a lady.

[TheHiddenMe]

I will never try to guess what goes on in other people's minds. There are no cartoon bubbles above their heads showing what they are thinking.

People will never likely know where you are on the Transgender spectrum either; crossdresser, transitioning, transitioned? With Kaitlyn Jenner having been in the news, more are aware of those who have transitioned.

Regardless, when out in public--and I'm probably approaching a thousand times--I've never had a bad experience, and people on the whole have been remarkably accepting.

[Heather76]

The few times I've been out, I have tried to look decent, and I put in an effort to wear makeup that is in keeping with what I see most 70+ year old women wearing. They tend not to use much eye shadow and little eye liner and eyebrow pencil. Those that do use a lot of shadow, liner, and pencil actually look worse as they appear as though they are trying to pass for a 30 something which they are not. I simply hope to blend. However, I know I don't pass; but, I don't particularly care. Those who see me don't know me and I'll likely never encounter them again. I don't go clubbing; however, I would like to find myself in a situation where I encountered several woman who would welcome me into their group just to talk. I believe that would be quite fun. Mostly, it would personally validate what we do when cross dressing isn't as horrible as some people would like us to think it is.

[Helen_Highwater]

I take an 18 in blouses and dresses,16 in skirts. Many here are smaller. There are many women who take bigger sizes than me so while a little taller than the average female when dressed, wig on, from any angle other than straight on I can merge into the crowd.

And yes as Sandi says, the fact that I've taken the time to present in as femme a way as I can carries so much weight when directly interacting with folks. An important part of that is mannerisms, my voice fools no-one but I try to talk in a more feminine style and engage in gentle conversation if say paying for something at the checkout.

People are generally accepting and it's easy for us to focus on the bile promoted by parts of the media and let it overshadow the fact that if as Sandi says, we look like we've made the effort to be the persona we present as, people will treat us as that person.

[alwayshave]

Sandi, At 6'2, 250 there is no misconception on anyone's part. I put a lot of effort in and enjoy being dressed.

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks all,

One final note. Like Dee says I cannot read minds, so one time I asked.

It was about 36 years ago as I recall, I went into a liquor store to buy some beer while dressed. I thought I looked quite good back then as I was much thinner in addition to looking much younger. The young man behind the check out counter said nothing to me other than the amount to pay.

I put the beer in my car and I went back inside and said something like this. Just out of curiosity, were you able to tell I am a guy. He said yes, my hands gave me away. Sigh.

It did not matter. He was polite. But up close, the clues can give us away. At the time it made me kind of sad I did not pass.

Today I realize it does not matter. I just want to try to look pretty and leave it at that.

Sandi

[docrobbysherry]

Great post, Sandi. Most here r clueless about passing as Auntie says. I'd be surprised if 1% of us here pass close up and maybe 5% at a distance. There's just too many things that give men away!

Reading the many "I passed" posts here makes me laff!

Because if u THINK u passed? U didn't! When people think u r without a doubt female they treat u very differently. I know, I've been there!

[Natalie5004]

So passing is not the real goal here. Being yourself should be the goal. If you feel like a woman today, you dress pretty, some makeup, smell nice. For all practical purposes you are a woman.

Also, think about how many of us are not manly men. Big strong arms, loud deep voices, traditional male clothes. I think most of us here know that gender is fluid and not just A or B.

So I bet most of us are softer, a little more compassionate, possibly even smell nice.

Ok so we do not work to make ourselves Manly Men and all that bravado stuff that goes with it when we go out as male. You know what I mean I hope. We are just men.

So when we are out as women, maybe we are just women?

[Maria 60]

I don't go clubbing or not much interaction but when I go on my Friday drives my wife will at times give me a little advice. She tells me even though I don't pass as a women if for any reason I get into a accident of whatever reason I have to get out of the car and have interact for me to try my hardest to present as a woman. In not so many words when I'm dressed like a woman and I'm going to get clocked pretty insintly try my hardest to act and present myself as a women and not read into what there thinking. Just like you post it makes a lot of sense

[KymG]

I present the best i can. Which i think is a damn good effort. I cant pass, if im walking, talking, or my hands are showing. Then i dress to the nines so would stand out anyway. Thats an assumption because i dont go out. Not including drives, anyway.

[Karren H]

I always hated getting my bubble burst!

[Fiona_44]

Very well said Sandi. And Cheryl's comment - "Dress the part, act the part and be confident..." - is exactly what I do. I've been out 300+ times and have never had a problem.

[DianeT]

Nice post. I suppose also that experience goes a long way, acting more naturally and not throwing frightened eye glances 360 degrees around you.

[Anissa]

I have only had a very few out experiences. The last one was at a Halloween party where people were expected to be something other than what they are. I, on the other hand, was presenting as I am -- a CD. The strange, and sad thing, was people seemed nonplussed. Like it was no big deal. i went to some effort to be pretty and nobody cared. My wife said, "People don't know how to react to a man in a dress." I don't know if that was it. Women would smile and give me knowing looks, but that was about it. The other thing was, the party was some distance from our house. As we were driving, I felt other motorists clocking me. I hate to admit I was sensitive about it, but I don't have many out experiences.