Being Joanna

[Gracefullyfemme]

In my last post I asked... "am I a CD or ???. It may seem like a silly or redundant question because I do wear lingerie but no-one ever sees me in it and I never go out as a female. There's much more to the question and I've been meeting with a Psychologist/therapist to get a better understanding of who and how I am. There's a lot to unpack because I'm 69 now and there's been serious sexual abuse in my past when I was a teen-age boy. The abuse ended decades and decades ago BUT it's the "mental abuse" that it causes and stays through life that makes you question everything about it including whether I'm a CD. Over the past couple of years I've had to take a hard look at my life and I've come to the realization I carry much anger which has carried into close relationships. Knowing this has set me on the course I'm on which includes letting myself be Joanna. I said in my previous post in order to be in a relationship I would want and need to be accepted as a female and that has to start with myself. I'm slowly doing that and thoroughly enjoying it. In private I'm a sensual woman that wears beautiful lingerie and make love to myself. I'm very good to myself and enjoy a very vivid imagination with intense homoerotic fantasies (far more than gay porn). Will I ever meet someone that can accept me as a female, I don't know but in the meantime I'm loving who I am.

BTW ... I'm awaiting a delivery of a couple of items I bought for myself. I feel like a kid in a candy store. I'm tempted to wear something very nice when it arrives.

I'm so glad I came across this site as it's helping me to love the feminine side of who I am. I'm enjoying all the topics discussed and appreciate your comments.

Joanna

[kimdl93]

Its good that you are seeing a therapist to work through various issues and trauma from earlier life. I hope you can reach a point where these no longer adversely impact upon your present day peace and happiness. You may want to hold off from diving into the deep end of the gender pool, at least until you reach a level where you feel good about yourself. There is a risk of engaging in obsessive, hyper-sexualized behavior as a way of dampening the pain of past traumas. In essense, displacing one problem with another. You mentioned relationships, but honestly, that needs to be the last thing you worry about. You need to be comfortable and at peace with yourself in real life, not absorbed in a fantasy life, before you can engage in a healthy and enduring relationship.

[Gracefullyfemme]

Thank-you Kim, I truly appreciate the concern. I feel I need to clarify my post. I'm NOT suffering from the "trauma" of my past but rather trying to make sense of who and how I am and whether there's a connection to my younger years. The anger comes from seeing how my life was impacted by the "choices" I made because of what occurred decades ago. Without getting too deep but one of the biggest puzzle pieces for me has been whether my feminine side triggered the abuse and did I enjoy it to some extent. Let's face it ... sex is pleasurable and when you're a young teen-age kid it's even more so regardless of who's doing it to you.

There's no trauma but only questions. I've accepted I'm Bi and thoroughly enjoy my soft/feminine side. In private I'm a sensual woman and yes I would love to share that part of me in a serious relationship with the right person but I'm being realistic. My fantasies meet my needs.

Joanna

[docrobbysherry]

Joanna, I've seen and met at least 300 trans over the years and can honestly say that with less than 5 did I get authentic fem vibes. Never mind how fem they appeared.

So, I get how difficult it must be to get men to accept u as a female. Especially if u don't pass as one.

[Susan_Michaela]

I too have been in an abusive relationship with a former ex my second wife. I?ve been to therapist two different ones over the dressing and both told me to accept it as much as possible and live with what I can stand mentally. I?ve been single since 1994 and was married 17 years total. I?m done with all that. I believe in time you?ll figure out where you want to go with your situation. I wish you all the luck in the world to become the real you. I myself have opened myself to the world. January 1st will be my anniversary one year 24/7/365 and still figuring out the next steps and go on from there. Just don?t want to make any mistakes along the way. Welcome to our group btw .

[JackieD]

There doesn?t have to be or have a big trauma event. Some of us are just wired that way. It?s like leading a secret life. Like a double agent trying not to get court. Our life drives us to wearing woman's clothing. We feel good in them. Even if we feel bad we can?t stop. I don?t know if drug addicts feel good or bad. But I feel like a drug addict. Want to stop but just can not. Just need to feel those clothes. Brings back memories of the first. First time putting on panties, first time going outside under my male clothes.. first time at night going out in the dark.