"I love you"

[Nicole Bernard]

Hi everyone,
I haven't been on here for a while. I've had a few opportunities to cross-dress in the ensuing time since I've last posted, but just haven't been active on here.

I recently had a couple of weeks to myself and thoroughly enjoyed it. I wasn't dressed the whole time, nor went out in public. I just dressed at home. I have a dog and wasn't ready to step outside an take him out enfem. So it was only for a few hours at a time.

I did however paint my toenails and wear panties for most of my time. I slept in my nighty. I even had a virtual job interview. Since they wouldn't see me from the waist down, I wore my tights and high heels during it. It helped me to stay comfortable and more at ease.

Anyway, the reason for my post was this. During my last session of CDing, I was taking some selfies and I blurted out "I love you". I said it four times. The first time I didn't even realize what I'd said. It wasn't until the second or third time that I realized I'd said it! I was surprised by this.

I have terrible self-esteem. Most days I hate myself. I have depression and anxiety. I don't "love" myself.

My therapist knows I CD and I told her about this event. She was happy that I did it. She felt that it was a good thing that I was able to say that to myself. I cried a little when she said that. It made me feel really good.

I struggle a lot with my own identity. I can't say that I feel like "a woman trapped in a man's body", but I think about CDing a lot. I can honestly say that if left to my own devices, I would probably under-dress or do something all the time. Like have my toenails painted, shave my legs, etc.

I don't know if I would change my lifestyle to incorporate women's clothing and beauty products everyday, but I sometimes feel like I could.

I know this was a lot to unload. I just felt like I wanted to share this with someone else. I've never had an experience like this before. I usually feel relief, deep satisfaction, happiness, and a little giddy when I get to CD. This felt different.

Thanks for listening.

Love you all,
Nicole

[Natalie5004]

Nicole,

Sounds to me that for your happiness and well being you need to explore the female side of your person more.

[kimdl93]

Relief, satisfaction, happiness and being a little giddy all sound like positive things. If I read between the lines, it sounds as though you live alone, except for your dog, so you can indulge in a little CDing to whatever extent you wish without worrying about imposing on anyone else. Enjoy!

[Teresa.Smith.VA]

It sounds like you could use more happiness in your life to fend off depression and a low self esteem. You should seriously consider devoting more time doing what makes you happy, such as cross dressing.

Have fun trying out new things, like buy a pretty skirt, a blouse, some make up, a pretty wig. Have fun just exploring new ways to create happiness in your life.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing. You have lots of friends here that you haven't even met yet.

[Debbie Denier]

A positive step in the right direction. If you can love yourself, you are almost there.

[Kitty Sue]

Sounds as though you need additional therapy to me. Would probably be good for your wife too as she is certainly dealing with a full plate IMO. Definitely sounds to me though she is carrying you and her mother both.

[Diane P]

Nicole, I'm very happy for you that you were able to say "I love you" to yourself! That is just so awesome. Please keep it up and keep us posted on your progress. You go Gurl!

[docrobbysherry]

Obviously saying u love yourself is progress, Nicole.

However, in my experience simply learning to accept, or at best, like yourself should be everyone's goal. Since we all know our worst secrets, failures, recriminations, and faults I believe learning loving yourself to be unrealistic for sane, stable folks.

However, Sherry has taught me that lusting yourself is quite possible!

[CynthiaD]

I’m so happy for you, Nicole! It’s the first step. A big one.

[Kandi Robbins]

Nicole, most of us ever really figure this all out, even those of us who appear that we have.

The fact that you have a therapist is wonderful, keep seeking that support.

[alwayshave]

Nicole, I am so glad you are accepting yourself.

[Bea_]

It's great that you felt and expressed the words for yourself. I've had similar experiences but don't remember speaking those words to myself first person. I don't tend to hate who I am, but I do feel a sense of rejection because of my feminine tastes. Just feeling the need to hide a significant part of myself causes a sense of dysphoria for me. It's gotten just a bit better recently because I've been a slight bit more assertive in my presentation at home and just face the feeling of rejection when I'm totally aware of my wife's total lack of acknowledgement or affirmation.

It is odd to me that we seem to get such a dopamine rush when anticipating wearing something nice. What's really odd is that it doesn't seem to be more universal.