It seems that most GG's share the opinion that it isn't the CD'ing that hurts as much as it is the deception, lying, or omission of the truth that actually hurts the most.
That certainly seems to be a big part of it for my relationship, what with my binge eating disorder and crossdressing, both of which are secretive and hidden from my wife. It's historically been an issue that I hid these things.
I've been doing a lot of work on myself this year to ensure my mental, physical and financial health are all in a better place than they have been in the last 3-4 years. Part of this has involved exploring the secretive side of myself, and the reason that I highlighted this was BECAUSE of the whole "getting caught" part of my CD'ing.
Part of working on myself has been to apologise and try to start again with a clean slate. The recent comment from my wife about my femme knowledge has also been part of me being honest when the subject is mentioned - I am willing to have the discussion and accept that side of me rather than squirming in my seat about it.
So last week I came clean about a couple of (for us) small purchases that I had made and not disclosed, and whilst my wife was initially annoyed that once again I had not told her about something, she quickly came around and accepted that I was trying to clean the slate, start fresh, be open and honest etc.
That honesty and willingness to accept I had done something without considering her - and that I was trying to make things right - has seemingly led to a thawing of tension in the house. We haven't had the easiest past few months from a physical perspective, and it's improved massively since that point.
I know some will criticise and say "Well unless you have your clothes on display and tell her about everything you own, you're still not being honest with her", but this is the balance we have. My wife doesn't want to see what I own, because she doesn't want to visualise seeing me in any of these things. I am not buying new clothes etc, so I am not hiding purchases etc. I've not been dressing, so I am not lying if she has been out and asks what have I been up to.
If I start dressing again then I will have a new thing I need to be honest about, but right now I feel like I am earning the trust back in our relationship, and it is all thanks to getting caught crossdressing and understanding more about how it makes the female in the relationship feel.