Process

[Sienna_cd]

A little background into my situation. I?ve been a member for a while and have posted and commented from time to time. Like a majority of you I didn?t understood this CD thing and thought I could hide/control it. I met my wife in college and thought the CD life was over. I started to dress about 8 yrs into our marriage and told her. She tried to accept and I went to counseling and ultimately she could not accept it so I said what we all say ?I?ll stop? and I purged all the things. I did stop and was honestly trying to not dress and I did for about 5-6 yrs. One day I asked about buying boy shorts because they dry quicker than boxers or so I told myself and then I purchased the Hanes men string bikinis. She saw them and thought they were women?s and saw a floral print of boy shorts and confronted me. I?ve also lost about 80 lbs, and shave my legs now. I wear Bath & Body Works lotion on my legs and have a few women?s shorts and shirts. We've been going to counseling and she has come to understand that this isn?t going away. She is dealing with me wearing the panties, and the fact I?m a completely different person than who she married. Her biggest fear is that people will find out and it would adversely effect our family. We have a lot of good things about our marriage but, this might be too much for her. Any thoughts or advice for either of us? Obviously telling her at the start would have been ideal but I can?t go back in time.

[Genifer Teal]

I can't speak for marriage. I can say that we live this life for a fixed amount of time. We get to choose how we spend that time.

[MonikaCD]

I guess it would be best for you and your wife to separate.... your marriage and your crossdressing.
You already know, that stopping crossdressing is hard or sometimes impossible in the long run, but you don't really have to show off to your wife and just keep it for yourself. I bet that it will be much easier for her if she will not see you wearing panties or some other femme clothing, even if she will know or at least could suspect that you dress up from time to time, as long it doesn't involve her. If she will not see you, the fear of you getting caught by someone else will be much smaller.
You can set up some limits with your wife, if you want to do that in this way - that you dress only when you are home alone or when far away from home travelling so nobody you might know will see you.
You probably would like to continue shaving your legs and you can perfectly do so, but you better keep them shaved all time (especially when you do not plan to dress up) then each time you plan to dress up - it will be easier for her to explain to herself - "he must like his leg that way and his legs must be itchy when the hair are short" vs "he has just shaved his legs after a month - he probably will be dressing up when I'm away".
In short - if you don't have acceptance, go for DADT.

[docrobbysherry]

What Monika said. And, keep seeing your therapist! Most marriages end in divorce in USA. And, most of those don't involve CDing!

[Heather76]

While my wife accepts the fact I CD, she is not a fan of it. Her biggest fear is that family and/or friends might discover I CD. I have given her my word that will not happen. I'm fortunate that no family members (hers or mine) live anywhere near us. But, when we travel to where they are, I still underdress with panties and stockings. I take beas, forms, and nighties to sleep in. Unless one of them came into our room while we're in bed or came in during the day to rifle thru my suitcase, nobody will be the wiser. On the times I've been out in public dressed, I've been so far away from home, the odds of winning the lottery are better than the odds of running into someone we know. I strongly suggest you make sure her fears of family and friends discovering you CD are not nearly as bad as your fears they would learn.

[kimdl93]

Sitck with couples counseling. Beyond that, I am of little help because I made pretty much every mistake possible.

[Aka_Donna]

Most marriages do not end in divorce, but we in the US are currently in a me-me-me phase with both genders. Marriages do not just magically stay together, they take DAILY work. If you don't put in the work, they fall apart. The 8 to 10 year point is where they first start to show the strains of life. CD is another stress on life. A few women, very few, have zero concern about a partner that enjoys CD. All the rest have various degrees of stress over living with this. I seriously doubt CD is the main issue here. How is the relationship apart from CD?

You requested advice. My advice is find yourself first. Don't roll the dice with a marriage counselor before you review the current YOU and the YOU you want to be. Go to at least 6 sesssions with an individual counselor. If possible get recommendations from locals on most skilled. Some are good, but many are weakly skilled.

You'll want to explore
-- your happiness/satisfaction with the wholeness of your life
-- your employment satisfaction
-- your satisfaction with relationships
-- how much energy you can pull on to deal with any variances between where you are and where you want to be.

About session 4, then bring up the CD issue and discuss how that meshes with the rest of your life.

If you wish more, PM me.

After you have completed 6 sessions, then you are ready to decide both the benefit of joint counseling and the best counselor.

Be careful in who you select to speak with, some are one track advisors and want all their clients to follow their own path and not what's best for the client. (I can PM a personal example, if you wish).

Don't disregard her fear. Are you trying to force a divorce? She doesn't want it known out of house and it sounds too much like the Chinese water torture drip,drip,drip. That method is deadly to relationships. Search for forums for drip drip and you'll see what I mean.

Again, until you clarify what are your needs with a counselor none of us can provide good, much less great advice. Oh, don't forget to discuss the religious/spiritual aspects of life and how it impacts you and relationships.

Finally, have you considered using an unscented lotion?

[Sienna_cd]

Thank you to for the replies. I?ve been thinking more about what I want/need. This obviously is a long process as most if you know.

[audreyinalbany]

once again to quote the old saying....men marry women thinking they'll never change and women marry men thinking they can change them and they're both wrong.

[docrobbysherry]

Donna, I stand corrected!

Google, for 2022:
"According to the American Psychological Association, approximately 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher, with approximately 60-67% of second marriages ending in divorce."

[jacques]

hello Sienna,
everyone changes with time, whether they cross dress or not.
there is nothing wrong or illegal about cross dressing - as my wife reminds me "it's only clothes"
but in a good relations ship there has to be compromise.
luv J

[Bea_]

Again, until you clarify what are your needs with a counselor none of us can provide good, much less great advice. Oh, don't forget to discuss the religious/spiritual aspects of life and how it impacts you and relationships.

This, exactly, is what I've gotten through therapy. There were a lot of things that needed clarification in my own mind that were not becoming any clearer with just the inner dialog. My therapist has been good at forcing me to answer the deeper questions. The question of why is still unanswerable, or at least only vaguely answerable. But, you need to come to terms with who you are and what the clothes have to do with that. You have to come to terms with boundaries, but not just her boundaries. If you concede that she has the right to make all the decisions about your actions, your marriage may be more likely to survive, but the tension will always be there.

If you can clarify, in your own mind, what you want, what you can settle for and what you can give, you may better be able to negotiate more equitably.

I have come to be gently assertive in expressing my boundaries through therapy. I am a retired empty nester so the issues are less convoluted for my wife and myself, so my boundaries can be a bit broader than a man with children at home. I hope that you can get through this with your marriage intact and getting stronger as the years go by.

[Debbie Denier]

Counselling or not. I don?t think you can change your wife?s opinion. Like you I got married, thought it would go away. It didn?t, I didn?t tell , my stash got rumbled, I purged too. I think some form of compromise might be the solution or Entente Cordiale(friendly understanding).