Do actions speak louder than words ?

[Gwen M]

Bit of background. I?m an older crossdresser who the last couple of years has come to terms with who I really am.
I present every day as in women?s clothes and makeup. Although I don?t wear a wig or forms My wife is accepting and encourages me to do what makes me happy.
I have two grown children and a granddaughter who have seen my every day presentation and have said nothing to me.

So here is my question. My wife has asked a couple of times if I am going to tell my kids that I am a crossdresser.
My feeling is that my appearance tells them that is the case.

Do you think there is a need to sit them down and explain the change in me the last couple of years ?

[Sandi Beech]

It seems like a natural question to ask yourself. That being said, we can advise all day and still not know what is right for you. Maybe you have a drive to clear the air so to speak. We do not know your family so we would be guessing. I think you just have to decide what is right for you, your wife, and your family. Inout from your wife should carry the most weight. She asked the question, so did she have any advice on the matter?

My 2 cents.

Sandi

[Aka_Donna]

Talk it over with wife and decide/role play how to describe your situation. It would be very tempting to not say anything, but if you don't someone else will say something and that something may color this situation in a negative light. Here's your opportunity to put a positive spin on it before someone else stacks up the negative comments.

[GaleWarning]

If no-one has said anything, I see no reason to explain.

[Kris Burton]

Gwen, I can relate. My wife and I have decided that my crossdressing is a personal choice and our private concern. We do not ask our adult children ( 2 men, ages 35 &38 respectively) the particulars of their private lives, and would expect the same of them. Unlike yourself I do not dress 24/7 and always dress as my male self when they are around. If they do find something or see my photos I am prepared to answer their questions should the issue ever come up, all the while hopefully not making a bigger deal of it than it is - after all, what I am wearing does not change me at all.

Since you present with women's clothing the opportunity for them to ask questions is ever present. I think your analysis that your appearance tell all that is needed is a correct one . You could probably explain your change, but is possible, even likely, that they already accept the obvious. They are adults after all. From my personal perspective though a big sit down explanation might be unnecessarily stressful for all of you.

[Nyla F]

Hi Gwen, I agree with you. It sounds like your everyday presentation is your authentic self, what more needs to be said?

[Jane G]

Gwen, I feel that if your kids are adults then there is little reason to tell them. They know you and how you now present and have not brought it up with you. Unless you plan to change your situation substantialy. In which case iit is only fair to let them know, rather than hear from others.

[Stephanie47]

From your introductory post (2017) you and your wife have been married fifty plus years; have two adult kids who have seen you. You do not owe them an explanation but I think it would be natural for them to wonder "What the heck is dad doing?" You may want to approach the subject. Then again, your look and makeup may be very subtle and does not seem overtly different. But, if dress, hosiery and heels plus makeup........???

[Di]

If they ask I’d tell them but don’t see the point in telling them. Just Why?

[kimdl93]

I don?t think there is much to add to what your family already knows.

[GretchenM]

One useful policy on this involves the need to know. If there is no need for someone to know then keep it quiet and go about your business. It is not a sin or anything else along those lines. So explaining as a response to curiosity is reasonable but if there are no indications that someone is concerned then let it be. It is pretty easy to tell if someone is uncomfortable around you because they suspect there is something "odd" about you. If you think their suspicion is bothering them and is bothering the nature of the relationship then it is good to sit down in a neutral environment and explain it.

It is not unusual for us to have a sense that we need to spill the beans and tell others about your "secret." That often arises because of the power of personal shame we might feel in doing something that historically was unusual. In these days that is not really necessary. That said, Sandi has a very good point that we do not know the full details of your situation and so advice that any of us give might not be the proper response with regard to your experience and sense of the situation. In that situation only you can judge the action that is appropriate.

[NancySue]

You can just put ditto marks on Kris?s reply. My feelings, too. Do actions, visions speak louder than words? Absolutely! Always have. My question, is body language conscious or subconscious? I think both. Explain? I?d need days.

[Cheryl T]

If they have seen you dressed, with makeup I think they know.
You don't need to add forms and a wig for them to see what's in front of them.

[docrobbysherry]

Gwen, you've asked a bunch of folks who have no idea what u look like dressed. I doubt u dress the way I do; to the 9's or not at all!
But, I don't know?

I suspect if u did, they would have spoken to u about it by now. But, maybe u r satisfied to just dress androgenously?

Why don't u ask your wife? I think she'd give u better advice than us.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I guess what hasn't been said yet is what would happen if you were to die suddenly?

Then, your next of kin may be surprised at what they find when cleaning out your house.

My intent is to write a letter "To be opened upon my death" with an explanation.

It's a great thought that I've been thinking about and procrastinating on for 10 years now.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

All of my kids have seen me cd to some degree at some point, no one has asked for details or an explanation, so why would I push it? BUT we don't know your exact situation like you and your wife do. Find some time to talk to her about the pros and cons and go from there.

Steffi has a great idea about a note too, maybe I should do the same, just in case my wife and I were to die together and she couldn't "clean up" after me.

[Keremy]

Gwen my question back to you is, why did your wife ask you to tell the kids? Clearly you kids know you cross dress but may be talking to her and not you so it might be enlightening to ask her why she thinks you should bring the subject up to them.

[Bea_]

I can see pros on both sides of the argument. But, if your children and granddaughter has seen your hybrid presentation without any issues, it seems like giving it a designation of "crossdressing" would be not be beneficial. Perhaps you're just Dad and Grampa right now with maybe some endearing quirks. I can appreciate the freedom you have in the identity that you have already established with them.

I guess what hasn't been said yet is what would happen if you were to die suddenly?

Then, your next of kin may be surprised at what they find when cleaning out your house.

My intent is to write a letter "To be opened upon my death" with an explanation.

It's a great thought that I've been thinking about and procrastinating on for 10 years now.

My daughter will be the one to deal with the details of my passing, whenever that comes. I've considered the idea of a letter, but I also would like to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. She's very intuitive and I don't doubt that she already sees dad as a little quirky. That doesn't seem to affect our relationship. She has four sons under the age of 16 and I know she would NOT want them to know, but I would agree with her on that so that wouldn't be an issue.

[Rachelakld]

My kids were more worried about if it was going to cause us to split up.
Once that discussion was had, they were fine with it.

[ColleenA]

When one of my sons was 10 and poking around in my closet (which I considered pretty normal kid behavior, having done it myself), he found my stash. He asked me questions about it, and I gave answers that I felt were appropriate for his age. Based in part on that incident, I decided to tell each of my three kids about my crossdressing when they turned 18. My reasoning was that, since I had been a single parent for years, I didn't want them to find out if something tragic happened to me and they then had no way to get any questions answered. I gave them basic information, then let the conversation be guided by their questions. None of them asked all that much, and that was pretty much the end of it for my oldest and youngest. That same son was the one with some further questions, though not many.

And that was the end of it until recently. My middle son knows it is safe to talk to me about his varied interests, sexual and otherwise private. He has done so for years. This past summer, though, I was sending some photos of myself in a pretty outfit to a friend, and somehow sent one to him accidentally. He had questions immediately, which I answered. He then expressed disappointment that I had not confided in him. I explained that it was a side of me separate from how I see myself as "Dad" to my kids. I have been talking with him about it more, though, and he has been supportive of me.

All of which is to say I had my reasons for how I handled it, and I am pleased with how it has gone. I don't know your situation, your wife or your kids, but I would suggest you consider telling them they are free to ask you about your life.

[JohnH]

I REALLY wish the term "crossdresser" or the Latin form "transvestite" would disappear and be buried to be forgotten. And, I would like the practice of adopting feminine names to be discontinued. I describe myself as a freestyler instead as when I wear "feminine" clothes I still regarded myself as a MAN.

I would like men to wear "feminine" clothes as normal formal wear as alternatives to the prosaic hackneyed coat and tie outfits.