Many of you have been to counseling relating to cross dressing. I?m not sure what I feel and how to talk about it. Does anyone have some things that have helped them in counseling that you?d like to share. You could always DM me topics as well. Thank you for all of the support!
I think one of the things counseling does is help you understand how you feel and how to talk about it. its a process. and you have to start somewhere. The hardest part is probably finding a counselor that you are comfortable with and having the courage to acknowledge it if you're not. any good counselors know this and knows that if the chemistry and trust isn't there that it's perfectly reasonable to see someone else.it may take a little bit of trial and error, but many many counselors these days are well versed in counseling people about gender related issues.
I don't mean to play devil's advocate, but............................Is there a particular reason why you are considering counseling? The reason I ask is I never have. Understand, I've only been cross dressing for 3 1/2 years. I've never really questioned why I enjoy it so much and I don't truly know why. When I told my wife, she couldn't understand why I wanted to wear bras, forms, dresses, hosiery, and nighties. I told her I had no idea why; but, the fact is I do. I offered to go to counseling with her if she wanted. She didn't care to; so, we didn't. I dress at least 50% of the time at home. I underdress to some extent 100% of the time as the only underwear I own is lace panties. I feel no guilt or shame about cross dressing and don't believe I'm doing anything wrong. While my wife is neither supportive or thrilled that I CD, she is accepting that I do. So, I go back to the question I posed. Are you struggling with the fact you like to CD or is there some other reaon you feel the need to speak with someone?
It's never too late to enjoy a happy childhood.
Live each day as though it's your last 'cause one day you'll be right.
I'm finding the more feminine side of me...and I ❤️ this adventure.
My therapist asked what kind of problems my CDing was causing? At that point Sherry hadn't arrived on the scene.
When I said none at the moment, she replied, "Then, let's move to something more important!"
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
I can never understand why peeps suggest councelling for dressing ?, are you saying that dressing is a mental illnes ? and needs correcting ?
I've wondered the same thing, Debs.
Originally Posted by Heather76
Heather,
I?m want to explore why I enjoy crossdressing. I?ve been married for 20 yrs and I finally come to the realization I want to CD and have told my wife & is struggling with it. I ant explain it to her if I don?t know the why.
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Deb?s,
For me it?s more of understanding why I enjoy it.
Counselling can serve to help
* exploration - why do i like women's clothing, going out, etc. Exploring where this goes (simple CD, private or public, gender identity, trans, etc). This is an ongoing, cyclical process. Maybe this has no answer but I feel it's necessary before...
* acceptance - accepting the reality of who you are.
* self love/compassion - once accepted the CD then work may be required on shame abd guilt
* opportunities for further growth - once the door of acceptance and self love is opened then it's possible (for me certainly) that other freedoms are opened up. Maybe sexuality. For me I've discovered I need to have courage and to say "no" and develop boundaries. So very powerful. Opening up my world so I can say yes to it and seek and take opportunities and not "play it safe". Still ongoing unravelling.
Just my thoughts. I think counseling can be very very useful. Not for everyone. CD is the gateway for me to be a better person in the round.
CD isn't a mental disorder, but I would rather be as fun, fully free, courageous, dynamic, passionate and powerful without CD as there's no doubt to me that CD needs to hidden as it's not publicly accepted (whilst I still accept many here do go out anyway).
Last edited by Samantha51; 12-26-2023 at 06:44 AM.
I struggled with my feelings and desires for 59 years before coming to the realization that I was only hurting myself and I had to come to grips with those feelings and desires. Shame was a large part of the problem but I could not understand why I felt shame for doing what I desired to do and being who I am. I came out and admitted my inclinations which was both liberating and terrifying because I did not know what acceptance would result in. In short, at first, I felt worse than I had when secretive and denying.
I sought therapy and it made all the difference in the world. I saw the therapist individually and also went to group therapy. They complemented each other and began to understand that there was nothing wrong with me; the problems I had were of my own making because I did not understand that some people are like me (and us) and others are not. It only took about 3 months to find comfort in my own skin and understand what became clearer the deeper I went into the nature of this behavior. Seeing a counselor helped me to find a comfort zone that fit just me; not some socially contrived concept of properness and appropriateness. I learned how to be the total me and face that as a total package that is unique and beautiful in spite of the warts.
A therapist does not tell you what to do but through questions and answers and thinking they help you to discover the answers for yourself by guiding you through whatever difficulties you have. You discover the answers yourself with their guidance helping you to change your thinking so that you can understand yourself without leading you into some set form of "normality" that doesn't really exist.
My daughter is a therapist and is now doing on line therapy. (Uh, she is not a gender therapist.) Just last night after Christmas dinner I asked her if she felt it was as effective as face to face therapy. She said that it is very much the same. She can read a person and guide them just as well in a Zoom therapy session as in a face to face session. I still think the face to face is maybe a tad better but it is hard to find any therapist as they are generally booked up because of the high demand created by our crazy world. So don't restrict yourself to local, face to face therapists. After a couple of sessions you will know whether the two of you click or not. Most a very sensitive and compassionate to your situation and will help with the adaptation, but it is up to you to spill your guts out with complete honesty and openness. Holding back secrets will negatively affect the therapeutic benefits.
If the therapist wants to change you to be a certain way according to some idealistic concept, politely bow out and go elsewhere - they will likely not help you. I am referring to "conversion" therapists. Run fast, far away from them. But if they want to explore you and help you find your own road to travel then you have a good one. A good therapist is a bit like a very good friend who will help you sort out things so you can remain yourself in a more complete fashion. But they will be more objective and draw a line at becoming "good friends." It takes time, but having been in therapy for awhile for a few things over the last 25 years I know it is very useful, but the success is more a matter of you being willing to work with them and explore your inner workings rather than the advice and "prescriptions" they give you. It is a lot of work and sometimes difficult to face the truth, but it is far more likely to allow you to be more comfortable in your own skin irrespective of how you are. You will make a few adjustments in your thinking that are tying your brain in tangles that need to be smoothed out. It is like getting the tangles out of your wig to make it look and behave more like you want it to. You learn to be happy with the "wig" that you have, that you are, by fixing its problems.
Sienna, are all people born hetrosexual then decide to become gay ?, what made them do it ?, or can it not just be a fact of nature that they are born gay the same we are born to like dressing ? does there have to be a reason ?. or does the hetrosexual peeps and macho men world need to have a reason why we do these things and they dont. I just accept it, its the way I am and always have been since I can remember, I embrace it , enjoy it, and dont give a flip if someone who isnt a crossdresser doesnt understand it, Im not going to fit into there world full stop.
I'm not going to get into the debate of whether or not counselling is a good idea.
I will try to answer your request and give you a couple suggestions of how to get the best results. (These are from my experience)
First - don't be afraid. A counselling office is probably one of the safest places there is to talk.
Second - don't hide things. How can you get help if you don't really ask for it?
Third - be TOTALLY honest, with yourself as well as your counsellor. This one can be tricky because we're afraid of what me might find.
Fourth - be patient. Years of building the "you" you are now, will require at least a little time to redo.
Lastly - Don't expect the counsellor to heal you. They are only there to guide you. If there is any healing to be done, you have to do it.
Go, or don't go - either way, I wish you and your wife well in finding the best path forward.
Right after posting this, i saw that while I was typing, GretchenM said pretty much the same thing, only much more eloquently.
I guess you can consider me the "Cliff's Notes" version.
Last edited by SaraLin; 12-26-2023 at 07:10 AM. Reason: added comments
there seem to be some here of the opinion of 'why go cocounseling for crossdressing? it's not a mental disorder." They're missing the point. It's not that crossdressing is mental disorder, its that the individuals' conflicts about being a crossdresser are a cause of emotional distress. It's about finding the role for this part of ourselves that equilibrates this facet of ourselves in our day to day lives. it's about peace of mind
After realizing my crossdressing had more to do with my gender identity than merely enjoying women's clothes, I knew I had to find a therapist who had a background in dealing with gender dysphoria. I did find an excellent therapist and have been seeing her for about a year. Talking about your deepest feelings that you have never spoken to anyone about is the ultimate catharsis.
Counseling helped me immensely, not only with the guilt of CDing but with the other parts of my life. Grateful I was able to find a therapist who was supportive and experienced with gender issues. My therapist suggested that we stop having sessions due to my progress, so I haven?t seen them in about a year, but I?ll always be happy that I did it and wouldn?t hesitate to go back if I need to.
Exactly this. I did it to try and understand more about myself. It was never about fixing or stopping CD'ing, or because I considered it a mental illness. I wanted to understand how I could manage it within a world that was less than accepting.
My opinion - just wear your "feminine" clothes as MEN. Notice I don't use a feminine name and in my signature indicates my preferred masculine pronouns.
Women wear "masculine" clothes all the time time and don't feel the need to get counseling.
John
Last edited by JohnH; 12-26-2023 at 12:42 PM.
John (Legal name)
Preferred pronouns: he, his, him
If you do decide to go for counseling, make sure you pick one who is experienced in gender issues.
"Care about what other people think of you and you will always be their prisoner" - Lao Tzu
I've been working with a therapist for three years now. I started just after some traumatic life experiences around Christmas of 2020 and we worked on managing my responses to that for the first year or so in sessions. I told her fairly early that I wore women's clothes at home, but we didn't move specifically to the subject of crossdressing for a while. I'd been crossdressing for something like twelve years before someone besides my wife knew about it. In those prior twelve years of inner dialog about who I am and what I like, I didn't get nearly the clarity that I've gotten since starting therapy.
Once we did move to the subject almost exclusively, I began dressing for sessions. Expressing that part of my personality physically, while doing so in a safe environment, has helped me to clarify just where I stand in the spectrum. I've firmly established that the dysphoria that I've dealt with was NOT from feeling like a woman, but from not fitting into the role of "typical" male. I do feel a sense of wanting to distance myself from what most people, including my wife, consider to be masculine. I'm am slowly learning to define my own masculinity.
I will note that my therapist has worked in the education system and has dealt with students dealing with sexual identity issues, but I think I am her first exposure to the world of crossdressing. She has dealt with my issues in a straightforward way that seems to deal with the issue with sensitivity and compassion. She actually complimented the way I've been approaching the issue and has said that it's helped her in understanding someone close to her much better. So, my input would be to find a sensitive and compassionate therapist even if he/she does not have gender identity specific experience. I was fortunate the first time around.
That does work best for me but we seem to be in a minority here on the forum. Working with a therapist has helped me to be more assertive in establishing my own boundaries while trying to understand and negotiate my wife's boundaries. Therapy, for me, is not dealing with my own masculinity, but is dealing with the issues of expressing that masculinity in a world that does not respect my definition.
I've did online sessions with my therapist during the lockdown and I find that face to face is immensely better for me. Mileage may vary...
Looking back, the best "therapy" I ever had was the first time I attended a support group and got to sit and chat with others like me. Other people who engaged in the same way you'd engage with others if in drab.
Normal, average, ordinary folks with similar tales to tell but each with their own individual threads. Any doubts I had were dispelled by the knowledge I wasn't alone, or strange, odd, just different from others in as much as some like carrots, others don't, some men like blondes, others brunettes.
What keeps me in the closet to family and friends isn't any doubts about myself, it's predicting how they'll react. To the vast block that are strangers to me, that's not a consideration so I'll happily set forth into the wide world confident in myself.
Helen is right, meeting peeps like minded and in similar but many branches of difference in the big wide world boosts your confidence no end, Ive seen it for myself especially in Helen she beams confidence when she is out and about. No therapy required.
Bea, in my mind you are a freestyler rather than a crossdresser as you certainly don't try to imitate a woman in appearance.
John
John (Legal name)
Preferred pronouns: he, his, him
If a male grew up in an oppressive situation he may need to shed the baggage that was heaped upon him. Yes, in this day and age there are still males who are mentally abuse because he may wear women's clothing or he or she are gay/lesbian/transgender. Read the news. His or her family may be down on the person. The vast majority of people conform to societal expectations. If I was not for this site I would not be able to converse with like minded individuals. How does one muddle through all the negativity? Some need assistance in navigating through life. Sometime, even though one has achieved self-acceptance, one needs counseling to learn how to deal with the problems of others. One does not live in a vacuum.
I guess I'm fortunate I was never told to "man up" when I was a boy. My paternal grandmother taught me to apply nail varnish (polish) and my mother taught me how to apply lipstick. I and my two brothers (no sisters) sometimes wore mommy's dresses and clopped around in her heels in the house. So I don't have hang ups so many men have wearing feminine clothes. The pushback I have gotten for wearing dresses is almost nonexistent so I believe men's inhibitions of wearing dresses are mostly in their heads. I consider the idea of shaming boys for wearing feminine clothes a form of child abuse.
John
Last edited by JohnH; 12-27-2023 at 11:30 AM.
John (Legal name)
Preferred pronouns: he, his, him
I've never really felt the need for counseling, as for me, CD gives much pleasure, relief, excitment, exhilaration...so I don't want t give it up!
I just don't see CD as an illness or affliction, or something to be cured, but , rather, just a natural way of expressing our more feminine ( and beautiful) characteristics.
Compared to most here on the forum "freestyle" would probably fit my imagined public persona, but to the real world and on the feminine end of my taste, I would definitely consider myself to be a crossdresser. I guess I'd like to conquer more territory than freestyle would represent.
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