Why are some SOs supportive?

[Sometimes Steffi]

There have been a number of threads recently about supportive SOs.

Why are some SOs supportive and others so grossed out? Savoir faire?

Is there any possibility for them to go from grossed out to supportive?

Over the last 15 years, my wife has gone from grossed out to, maybe, agnostic, but not supporting. At that rate, I'll be long dead before she gets to supportive.

Discuss.

[bridget thronton]

I think it is a mutual thing - when partners love each other and support each other when diversity arises for either partner even cross dressing will not gross them out

[char GG]

My thought is that some wives that knew before they were married tend to be more supportive. Wives that find out the husband was hiding and sneaking around tend to be less supportive. Of course, there are exceptions. My hubby was a "late bloomer". I was in on it from the beginning, but he didn't CD when we got married.

There are also behavior differences. If a husband dresses and acts like he is trying to be a "pick up" or wants to meet up with others (men or women) for nefarious reasons, that would tend to put even accepting wives off.

Since every story is different, there is no definite way to determine future acceptance.

[kimdl93]

I can only speak from my experience, and it probably makes it difficult for me to imagine such a dramatic shift. My ex really wanted to be accepting, if not supportive. But I think her mental image of the man she wanted was in conflict with the person I was becoming. I had told her I was a cross dresser before we married and at the time I admittedly minimized my level of interest. At that moment, I was in fact very minimally cross dressing but the thoughts of wanting more were present tho suppressed. As the years went by, I changed and I began seeing myself differently. She truly did try to accommodate me, but in the end I think she was overwhelmed. She tried counseling individually. We tried couples counseling. It just was not working for her.

[Angela Marie]

I told my wife on our 2nd or 3rd date when I knew things would probably be getting serious. It would have been a terrible disservice if she had found out after we were married. Over the years she has been supportive. She did go out with me a few times but decided that was not for her. No problem there. She even encouraged me to see a therapist regarding my gender dysphoria. The only red line for her is transitioning. But at 69 with children and grandchildren who have no idea that would not be a good idea in any event.

[NancySue]

Char?s thought pretty much sums up my experience. I mustered up the courage to tell her when we got engaged, expecting her to sprint. She didn?t. Yes, she had a million questions and we talked, a lot. I didn?t push things. At first, I?d always ask if it was OK. I can?t recall the glorious day she told me I didn?t need to ask anymore. She indicated a lot had to do with my courage, honesty, etc. She has a great sense of humor, often teasing me about how can I find underwires, hose, heels, etc. enjoyable. I just smile.

[Cheryl T]

My wife "discovered" me at about 10 years into our marriage. I didn't go well and of course I swore "never again", only to go back in the closet and hide, steal time to dress when I could have spent it with her and so on and so on.
Fast forward 20 years and I am at a stage where I'm nearly broken. I can't take the secrecy, lies and such. I went to her and said "we have a problem". Not me, but we have a problem. I told her all the sneaking and hiding over the years and that I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to be able to be me and if she couldn't be a part of that then that's how it had to be. I think what helped was all the time in between. We grew together, had built a life together and she was willing to learn, talk, try to understand. This site actually helped a lot as she became a member and was able to communicate with other females in the same situation. Then we joined a support group (Tri-Ess) and she saw that we weren't pervs. She saw other people from many backgrounds who all shared this love of ours. That really helped. She became fully accepting.
I think it's an individual thing. How secure in the relationship, how secure in her own identity, how complete is the love between the partners?

Just my $.02. That's in 1980 $$ not current valuation LOL.

[JackieD]

Is more accenting it. Not liking it , but no skin off of them. They don?t want to blow up the marriage . Living alone, less money, no eating out no vacations, no social circle. Maybe CD isn?t a big deal

[Stephanie47]

Good question to post in the "Ask a GG" a question section. Why does one woman go ballistic when she find her husband likes to wear a plain white nylon panty and another woman goes out with her husband fully en femme and has a great time? My wife ignores the elephant in the room although I think over the fifty years of marriage she realizes I am still the guy she married, but with a little "kink."

[Debbie Denier]

I think they tolerate or put up with it rather than support it. I dont believe many GGs choose to date or be in a relationship with a CD.

[Rachelakld]

Wife #1 found out after the wedding -not happy
Wife #2 knew before we started dating - tolerates my hobby, sometimes shows me a nice "Rachel" dresses, but prefers my hobby to not be too close to home (she banned the Motorbike hobby).

[docrobbysherry]

There r 4 billion women on the planet. U may have the chance to meet up to 4,000 in your lifetime. However for both of u to be dateable, mateable, and compatible that's down to maybe 40? U may have picked the wrong one of your 40, Steffi. The others apparently chose better!

[GiselleTGirl]

Throughout my 20-some years on Earth, I have told around 12 women about this, and at least in my generation, they seem to be more accepting. 3-4 of them fully embraced it, loved it, and loved me en-femme cause of the energy I brought to the table, a few of them were supportive, and only like 25% of them were wholly against it. There were also a girl or two trying to get me into this kind of stuff, but they seemed a bit "trashy" and I didn't trust them, so I didn't follow through. I think it all boils down to how it's presented, more than anything else. It is also better to look for girls who are a bit progressive with their sexual preferences and their mindset and so on. The ones who were against it, in my experience, were ones who were conservative (mindset-wise, not politically) on some level and saw women as inferior, and didn't see why I, a man, would want to act feminine every now and then. I also noticed (Once again, in my experience), that women like it if you look good. As in, if you have a good eye for clothes, makeup, colors, etc, and are not just wearing random stuff that doesn't work for you. Like, they seem to want you to have a style that works and so on, in which case they seem more accepting. Maybe also with more of an androgynous clean look, than trying to make a strong jawline disappear with makeup caked on or something. One girl liked me in nightgowns, specifically because it gave a more androgynous look than a bra would have.

Unfortunate as it is, this too, I think is determined by physical appearance too on some level. Some people look better (better could mean better in a traditional girly way, or in an androgynous way) fem than other people do and those people will always find it easier to find women who are supportive of this, if they look in the right places.

Also, it kinda goes without saying, if she loves and absolutely adores you, she is likely to at least accept it as something that will happen out of sight.

Ultimately, in my experience, if you pull it off with the right energy and confidence, they seem more likely to accept it, which might sound like generic advice, but it's worked for me thus far. It's also important not to scare them off by overdoing it (again, your social skills need to come in here, as the concept of 'overdoing' it varies from person to person). I overdid it with my first girlfriend who was extremely supportive at first, but a few years in, she freaked out that I might want to be a woman full time and it became a bit of a problem.

I am planning on telling another girl about this soon (sometime this year; I don't see her often, she moved to do an exchange semester abroad) too, will update you all on how it goes, if you want. She is bi, and she's stated she likes her men manly, but she's also stated she likes a bunch of female (AFAB) models and celebs and so on who look masculine in a way I can pull off, so we'll see how it goes.

*NOTE: This is all based on my experience, your mileage my vary. This is also not meant to offend or insult anyone, you're all beautiful in your own ways, and life is about trying to find people who will also see it your way.

[Jessica G.]

My case barley started almost 2 1/2 years ago.
I told my wife that I was interested in wearing womans underwear. This was about a month and a half before our wedding. It wasn't something I felt I had to get out before it either. We have been together 14 years married 2 (high school sweetheart)

From then in the short period of time I was telling her I would like to wear cloths, then forms, hair makeup etc. Soon I was dressing a few times a week. In the beginning I kept asking her if it bothered her.
She has always told me that she would let me know if it did. I wanted to know what that extent was so that I know how far I can go and what is to much.
I told her I would like to dress more. So I did 5 times a week, then 6, and now I dress every day of the week after work, and longer on the weekends if we hang at home.
My wife told me the only thing that would affect her is if I changed my personality, and she would not be ok with a transition, but is accepting to the idea of letting me explore breast development, or even getting implants later in life.

Months would go by, and I would ask her once in a while, are you sure you're ok with this? Do you think it's weird or the fact that you married a man, not a man that wishes to present as a woman. If so I dont blame you.
To my surprise her response was that "I married you not because you are a man, but for who you are and that's all I care about."
My wife will ask that I still giver he some Ralph time, and I'm good with that, in return Jessica can come out whenever and for however long.

I think what makes my case work is my wife and I are in our early 30s. It seems like my generation does not care what people do. Both my wife and I had gay friends in high school, and still do today. We don't see them any different than someone choosing how they what to live their life and what makes them happy. My wife understands that this makes me happy, and she has been nothing but supportive.
Sometimes it may just depend on luck, everyone is different, and everyone thinks differently. People come from different upbringing, and beliefs and will never change their mind. I feel honesty is the best policy.

[GretchenM]

I think Char's post defines a great deal of it all. Basically there are a whole lot of factors involved and they all have different emphasis in different situations. Quite frankly being supportive of the SO is almost always conditional to some extent. Everybody has boundaries that are defined by their concepts, in this instance, with what gender means and what gender expression means in the larger picture. Call them generally defined expectations. And when things suddenly change the expectations do not necessarily change in the same direction as they tend to be formatted as ideals which define a person's view of the world around them. That is hard to change.

The boy-girl arrangement of the dating times meet virtually everybody's expectations. The woman marries a man; the man marries a woman. Matching expectations - all is well. But then the man wants to express as a woman. Freak out time for his wife. What happened to the man I married? All kinds of thoughts run through her head. Maybe he is happier that way, but she is not happier because he no longer fits her long standing, self-defining expectations.

Now if you have an unsupportive wife, reverse the situation. How would you react if she wanted to express as a man? Would you honestly be supportive? Perhaps, perhaps not; hard to say until you are in that situation.

In my mind there is no reason at all that there be an expectation that the SO will be supportive. And therein lies the point of the early reveal that Char talks about. If it is a late reveal after years or decades of marriage in a "normal" man/woman marital relationship then the expectations are largely defined and set. Such a change may or may not be acceptable and supportable if the expectations remain more aligned with the traditional values. One cannot assume that life long expectations that have become fairly reliably fixed in day to day life should suddenly not matter if one or the other changes their mind and heads in an entirely new direction.

The moral is it is not fair to expect the SO to be supportive if the behavior does not fit the expectations. Trying to find a middle ground is good but don't expect the landing will, in fact, be in the middle ground or in the very supportive zone. It may or may not happen. Besides the compromise requires both sides to adapt to the needs and expectations of the other. It can't be one-sided where you get your way and the SO has to grit their teeth and try to smile when all they want to do is cry. Sympathy, empathy, compassion on both sides needs to be exercised and if that is expected of the other side but your side is not willing to do the same then trouble WILL happen.

So, if your SO is not very supportive or is negative mentally reversing the situation might show you where the problem is so that can be worked on to find the common ground. It may or may not fall in your favor. But it is the only way to achieve peace through understanding. It has worked quite well in my 54 year old marriage. My wife does not want to see Gretchen but she knows Gretchen exists. I am free to dress when my wife is not around and that is understood and accepted. We get along great but we do not cross the boundaries - we respect them.

[Maria 60]

When I told my wife a few weeks into our marriage, I thought my tradional European wife was going to run back to her mother. But instead we discussed a few things and she wanted to find a common ground that we could both live with this situation and let's give it some time and see where it goes. She didn't want me wearing her stuff and we went out that same night to buy me some fem things. That was back in 1986 and there was no internet or information, my wife wasn't going to talk to a friend and went into this totally in the dark. But my wife is the most unselfish person you will ever meet, she will do and support anything to make her family happy and always seeing things on the positive side.
At that point I didn't even know if there was any other man who had this habit until I joined this community. I believed just like my situation if my wife didn't find anything wrong with it I guess thought everyone else's wife didn't either. I remembered being in shock reading here all the bad situations caused by our dressing. When I told my wife about my findings here I asked her why she excepted this and supports me. She told me in a relationship it's a two way street and when I told her about it we were able to communicate and find a place that we would both be happy. She told me if she would have told me to stop I wasn't going to be happy and if I wanted to change into a women and be dressed like a women all the time she wasn't going to be happy. So she agreed to support it as long as I kept it in private with only her.
Again when I mentioned the bad situations here she told me nobody can comment we don't know the people, we don't know if they already have a bad relationship or if one of them isn't willing to bend.
So to answer your question in my situation my wife has been supportive but as long as we don't cross each others line in the sand in which I find that fare.
I believed I held the cards and if I would have pushed it I could see her loosing the support, so I took it slow and always was honest when I wanted something but also excepted and respected her opinion.
I see with my friends and family, couples who divorce and others who just live with the other persons crap and those who are very happy. Every relationship is different and we as individuals are different, I believe communication is very important and believe her support was up to me how I went about it.

[Kris Burton]

Wives that find out the husband was hiding and sneaking around tend to be less supportive.

There are many factors of course, but I think this is the most critical single element.

[Monique65]

My wife’s acceptance of my cross dressing has grown slowly over our fifty year marriage. When we were first married, I would buy her attractive lingerie which she refused to wear, so I would secretly slip into them when she wasn’t home. I would try to put things back as I found them, but she would comment off handedly that her things were rearranged. She did not do this accusingly, just “Oh, by the way”.

Over the following years, I would keep my stash of girly things hidden, but slip-ups did occur, and again, she would remind me of them. She was never upset about any of this, but let me know that she didn’t want to see them. Although I tried repeatedly to discuss this, we never really had “The Talk”. Whenever I tried to broach the topic she would change the subject. It was as if she knew but didn’t want to know.

When we both retired, I grew bolder and began wearing her panties full time. She would comment that there were none of my underwear in the laundry and I said I had quit wearing them. Further embolden, I let her see me wearing her panties, and she asked me why. I responded that I liked the way they felt, and she suggested that I get some of my own. The next time we were shopping, she picked out some satin Vanity Fair high cuts which I have been wearing ever since.

Not long ago, I began wearing her old sport bras to support my growing breasts due to gynecomastia. Of course she noticed, and I told her I needed some support. She agreed and bought me my own first bras, which I have been wearing daily.

Finally, when I borrowed a pair of her leggings to ward off the chill of working out in frigid weather, she bought me some of my own which I now wear daily.

Although we have still not has a formal discussion of my penchant for women’s clothing, I feel that by her acceptance of me wearing panties, bras, and leggings, she is demonstrating her approval. I did ask if it bothered her, and her response was if I was comfortable with it, then she was as well. I have no plans to further my feminine presentation, and feel very fortunate to have her love and companionship.

[JulieC]

I can't speak to why some are supportive and some not. I'm sure there are plenty of factors. I do agree that a big negative factor is hiding and sneaking and then being found out. In my experience, honesty is very important to most women. Being honest isn't just telling the truth. You can speak a great many dishonest things without saying a word. I don't sneak around my wife. I never have, and I never will. If I did, it would undermine our relationship in a possibly permanent way. I won't do it.

There was a woman whom I dated before my wife who had a big influence on me in crossdressing. She was completely unsupportive. We dated for about 2 1/2 years, with some short off periods. Ultimately, we weren't compatible for a variety of reasons. But, the insulting and condescending behavior towards me and crossdressing was a reason we didn't last. Further, there was the hypocrisy that I was supposed to be supportive of her being bisexual, but she refused to even begin to consider accepting crossdressing. She did me a great favor in behaving in this way, though of course it was unintentional. Following dating her, I swore to myself that I would never stay with someone who wasn't accepting. I'd rather be alone than live with another iteration of her in so far as crossdressing was concerned.

So following her, I didn't leave it to chance as to whether my wife was going to be supportive or not. I wasn't going to expect her to change to accommodate me. Either she was accepting or she wasn't. Since I couldn't figure out any better then than I can now as to why some women are supportive or not, this worked well. I told my then-girlfriend-now-wife about my crossdressing a couple of months into our relationship. A couple of days later, she bought me pantyhose. We've had some bumps along the way, in particular a big one during a time period where the pink fog was overwhelming me and her both. Over time, lots of growth and closeness has happened, and we're more intimate (in a love sense) than ever before.

No young lady grows up dreaming of marrying their knight wearing a shining white wedding dress. It doesn't work like that.

[Tracey T]

Good morning

I am a 56 yo crossdresser, been doing it most of my life. Just my $0.02 but when your SO is not supportive or just tolerates its, most of the time they are intimidated by it. I actually had one of my ex's tell me she hated it because I made a better woman than she did. Sometimes they feel threatrened by it. I'm sure this doesn't explain everyone but just what I experienced.

[Allieboy]

I have been crossdressing all of my life beginning in the early 1960?s. Mostly underdressing, panties and stockings and, on occasion, slips and a skirt. Always in secret, always feeling shame.
Never could stop as it was initially sexual and later a source of comfort. I kept this secret from my wife for forty years. Our marriage was and is very loving and we are devoted to each other. Ten years ago I decided that I could not hide this part of me anymore and I told her that I wanted to wear panties. Her initial reaction was to tell me that she saw it as no big deal and to purchase what I wanted.

I should have told her then that I also wanted to go further and wanted to, in private, more fully dress. My spouse had an adverse reaction and we went through the expected questioning of my sexuality and how far I wanted to go towards ?changing my gender. ? We had a lengthy discussion wherein I was able to tell her than I truthfully did not see myself other than as a man with a need to privately crossdress and to wear panties.

She told me she loves me, would not change me, and prefers that I just keep my ?thing? to myself.
Interestingly, she also told me that she probably would not have married me if she had known about my crossdressing.







This is

[alwayshave]

Knowing I would not get involved with someone who was not accept of my crossdressing, I told my wife early in our relationship about my dressing. She had questions, but was accepting and still is. Steffi, next time you see my wife, ask her.

[DianeT]

It is hard to know in advance which SO will be supportive or not. However it seems much easier to know in advance how to turn the most supportive SO into a person hostile to it.
Examples abound in these forums. So I think that, although you can't make sure that your SO will ever be supportive (and noting that being tolerant about it is already a great thing), you can put the maximum chances on your side by avidly reading the Ask-a-GG forums (for GG SOs, that is, so a Ask-a-SO thread could be useful too). Not lying, keeping your couple in the front seat, discussing and respecting boundaries seem like winning strategies, among other things. Speaking about wives, I don't think many will ever be thrilled by the idea of their husbands wearing panties and bras, and their support therefore will mainly derive from the love they have for them, not because they become fans of the thing. So it is probably good to remember that love and acts of love must go both ways.
Also, many of us have a different understanding of what a supportive SO means. My wife will probably never see me, doesn't want me to go out, and we are both aligned on these topics, but I consider her to be supportive nonetheless, since she agrees to discuss it, never shames me about it (that is acceptance), gives me some space and time to do it, gives me clothes, buys me makeup, lets me dress in front of her in MIAD mode once in a while and tolerates minor mishaps such as leaving nail varnish traces on a door handle (in her words the "Hubbyette" left varnish on the handle). Participating in the dressing like this is clearly beyond just being tolerant.

[Jessica Secret]

In my case I have a great boyfriend and he's been supportive, accepting and encouraging from day one of our incredible relationship. I was nervous when I first told him but also excited because I knew what kind of person he was and that he liked CD's, and got the reaction I was hoping for when I told him that I was closeted and I wear romantic lingerie to bed. Communicating like we did really strengthened our relationship and has bonded us together like I couldn't imagine. I'll never forget the first time I dressed in front of him, a bridal nightgown/negligee the night of our first time making love, and how excited he was to see me dressed. That night with him was all the validation I needed from him to tell me how supportive he was, and I knew it was genuine. I feel for anyone who doesn't have a supportive SO and how difficult things must be. I feel very lucky to be with a guy, and have someone who is so caring and supportive.

[Heather76]

I have no expert knowledge on this topic; but, I have a thought or two on it. My wife is accepting but not really supportive. When I first told her I liked wearing panties, she was somewhat shocked. I was a late bloomer at age 74. One night I decided to test the waters. She goes to bed much earlier than I do so I decided to wear a nightie and nylons to bed one night. When she saw me the next morning she said, "Don't you ever wear that to bed again." In the 3 hears and 7 months I've beed CDing,, this past January 1st marks the 2 year anniversary of my wearing bras, forms, panties, stockings, and bracelets to bed every night. One day when it was time for a serious discussion, she told me since it was my house as well as her house, I really do have every right to wear whatever I want. She did say she doesn't want me to come out to friends and family and she would prefer not to see me with a wig and makeup on. The wig and makeup she has seen maybe 10 times in 2 years. I don't plan on ever coming out to friends and family so that isn't at all a problem. So, she is accepting. She doesn't buy me anything. She won't go out with Heather even in places far from home. She offers no comment on my clothing purchases. So, supportive she is not. Yet, when it's time for hugs and kisses, she never shies away from me. I often wonder what she's thinking as my forms press against her own lovely all naturally DD boobs. I will never ask. Will she ever become supportive? I've no idea.