I really don't know what to title this thread, but given that I don't know what to title it "confused" seems apropos.
I've been crossdressing for decades now, and long ago accepted this is a part of me that's never going away. I've also never thought about transitioning. Oh sure, I've had the occasional day dream of what it would be like to really be a woman, and be able to go through society as a woman for a while. We've probably all had varieties of that dream. But, I've never felt any desire to transition. That still holds true, despite what I'm about to relate...which underpins the confusion.
Recently, I've had opportunity to crossdress as much as I want except when I'm at work or doing errands around our town. My Julie clothes are now (if temporarily) out of their bins and in a dresser. No closet space to hang up things, but a (temporarily) dedicated dresser. My Julie shoes are neatly arrayed at the foot of the dresser. Once this time period began, I've been crossdressing nearly full time, including while sleeping (usually nightgown, pantyhose, bra, forms). My wife and I knew this time period was coming, and we discussed this a few times. She was 100% onboard with me crossdressing 100% of the time if I felt the desire to do so. She told me she would inform me if it became any sort of problem.
I'm feeling a difference in me that I haven't felt before. Now that Julie, for the first time in my life, is an equal partner in all aspects (except work and errands), she is on in full force. As soon as I get home, I'm in a rush to get something femme on as soon as possible. I have previously had long periods of crossdressing, but never 24 hours a day for a few days at time (long weekend) or ~14 hours a day during work days. I've observed and been puzzled about an inner reaction. Occasionally, if I am feeling my clothes, kind of self hugging my chest, or glimpsing down my blouse at my bra...I am getting a tingling sensation around my back, upper torso area. It's quite bizarre. It feels strangely fulfilling. It's like I can feel Julie at long last being out, being here, being her, being me. It's not an out of control feeling; this isn't Pandora's Box. I don't feel overwhelmed. It's not affecting my work. But, it's very different.
I know with absolute certainty I do not want to transition. I enjoy being a man. I enjoy being able to present male and not have to fuss about with what society might do/say/react with. Presenting male allows me to work and live in my town without hassle. I don't like nor want to spend my days fending off society's discrimination. Even if that didn't exist, I'd still like to be able to easily present male.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? Thoughts? Just trying to process it. Thanks for listening.