Fairly confused

[rachelatshop]

I so identify with your story. I once started to question and wonder what would happen, or how I would feel if I was able to dress and be Rachel as much time as I wanted. So I happened to have a couple of weeks when my wife was going to be away and so I chose to spend those 2 weeks as Rachel 24/7. as much as possible. I loved it but in the end I felt the same as you did in you final paragraph. I love getting as girly girl as I can and doing it as much and as long as possible, but when it is over I have no problem being my guy self and would never consider transitioning as long as I can have the best of both worlds. Thanks for sharing. Hugs Rach

[Brenda Freeman]

I wondered for years why I loved to look like a woman. I finally stopped wondering and worrying as I realized it made me Happy, I could step out of my male world and enjoy my feminine side. I love how I look as a woman and how I feel. I feel lucky that something makes me feel this wonderful. I am lucky too in that my wife is okay with it but prefers not to see me which is fine she married the guy. I dress about once or twice a month and go out on occasion. But think about it often. If it makes you Happy at what ever level, enjoy the ride and you are lucky to have a supportive wife. I know several people who have transitioned and are much happier or it. I do not see that in my future.

[JulieC]

Everyone; so much wonderful input and THANK YOU! This is why I depend on this forum If I don't call you out by name, it doesn't mean I didn't read your post! I've read it all, considered it all. It's all very important to help me understand this.

I'm sitting here typing, wearing a nightgown, bra, forms, pantyhose, and heels (a look my wife makes fun jokes about). It's been about a week and a half now of being able to dress 100% outside of work and errands. My feelings, thoughts, and emotions continue to evolve.

So many of you have noted my wife's support and acceptance. I know that I am very, very fortunate and I do not take it for granted. When we were dating, I would have walked away if she had run for the hills when I told her. So, part of that fortune is of my own making. But yes, I am very blessed to have her in my life for many reasons * 10000^10000. She knows it, and I am constantly trying to make her life easier. This morning, I made her a breakfast very appropriate for her dietary needs. When we were done with breakfast, she said "Thank you for taking such good care of me!". High praise, and praise I intend on continuing to try to evoke, even if it is unspoken.

Some of you have noted having the same/similar tingling sensation. Abstractly, I know I'm not alone in all of this (335 people viewing the MtF forum this morning, and that's a low number from what it is usually!). Knowing that some of you have had the same tingling sensation helps to understand this a bit better.

As I noted, I do know that I do not want to transition. That said, I definitely consider myself transgender. This isn't just the clothes.

Helen; I'm not sure I'm totally adapted to my new environment just yet, but I'm trying Wonderful paraphrasing You mentioned about the stress of dressing to a deadline. A couple of years ago my wife and I had a discussion about the stresses of being a crossdresser. Fear of discovery of home stash, having to watch the location tracker app to see when certain family members are on their way home, accidentally bumping into someone you know even away from town, dressing to a deadline, not being able to dress, being able to dress but not feeling it and thus forcing it, and on and on. Being a crossdresser can really suck at times. Always absent the complete fullness of oneself. Now, there's no one to discover my stash, no need to check the app, able to dress when I want (right now 100%!) and not having to force it. The release is palpable.

Blue Orchid; "Best of Both Worlds" made me think of Star Trek: TNG. Maybe I am a Borg, with crossdressing implants

Gretchen; I have changed. What I'm finding I need to resist to some degree is to change too fast. I am very excited about the person I am changing into, and want to get there as soon as possible. I want to resist that because I am also relishing this interim period, and don't want to miss out on this part of the journey.

Genifer; I don't think I'll have this all figured out 20 years from now and certainly didn't 20 years in the past! Some of it certainly I don't know that the non-Julie me is choosing. I've never embraced nor want myself to feel there is a me-me and a Julie-me. I've always...always...thought of myself as one person. Thing is, the Julie-me is now essentially saying "Ok, pony up. You've been saying this for years, now it's time to prove it!" I think the trajectories are beginning to cross now.

Gillian; spot on about 100% masculine or feminine! There might be a handful of statistical outliers out there, but the vast, vast majority are somewhere between the extremes. It's just that probably 98% of people having zero self awareness on this.

Stephanie; I just hope it doesn't become routine, though I know it will :/

Diane; Coming out of my chrysalis in a puff of smoke...I love that

Cheryl; There's a book called "Bridge Across Forever". Within it, the main character spends a considerable period of their lives moving from relationship to relationship, never staying in a relationship more than a few months. Once the New Relationship Euphoria (NRE) wears off, they move on to the next, addicted to the NRE. You note about the thrill passing. I strongly expect it will for me too, but I don't want it to pass. It's like NRE, and I'm relishing it. So, it will pass, and I will be a different me...more integrated, more JulieMe rather than Julie and Me, if that makes sense. When I become JulieMe, that NRE will fall away. I'll have a different sense of wholeness, a more complete me. But right now...oh how I'm loving the NRE!

Again everyone...THANK YOU!

[joanstickley1956]

tl;dr: Julie C, you can make your own rules.

Cheryl T, I'm right with you. When I'm out at a bar or, less frequently, a restaurant with my wife, I'm just wearing "my clothes". Sometimes they are all-male, and sometimes they are all-female. When we're out and I'm dressed as Joanie, my wife has said more than once that she doesn't even think about it any more. I'm just me, in *my* clothes. For instance, today I'm going to shave closely (and shave my legs -- it's been too long) but dress in male mode because my wife wants to go to Lowe's and look at dishwashers. When we get back I'll probably change into a skirt or leggings, with a nice sweater, jewelry, and a bit of makeup. I too dress casually in girl mode a lot of the time, to blend it, and because it feels normal. When we go out to a bar or something, I can dress more, because GGs dress up more to go out, and I blend more. I only own a couple of pairs of heels, and have never worn them out. It seems out of place for a woman of my age (mid-60s). Maybe I'll get the nerve some day. I wear cute booties with 1-2" heels, or I wear cute flats with my skirt outfits. I'd love to wear dresses, but I am overweight, and most dresses just do not look good on me. I have a couple I wear around the house when I want to feel extra girly. It's a wild ride, and everyone has to do what feels comfortable for them, and considering their work and home environments. I'm lucky as hell. I'm out to family members and most of our good friends, who were all very accepting, and didn't make a big deal out of it. I'm especially lucky to have an accepting and supportive wife, and I thank her for her support many times. She knows how much I appreciate her. She has a couple of boundaries, and I am happy to observe them. So, Julie C, this post was a lot about me, but my point is it's great that you can do what feels right. You don't have have to feel pressured into dressing full time, transitioning, having surgeries, or anything else. If you want to do any of those things, it's also OK. Man mode is OK. Girl mode is OK. Half-and-half is OK. Whatever you do is for you, and I hope your friends and family can be happy with you no matter what you're wearing, because it's always you on the inside. I know that there are people who are not OK with CDs, but I have found that, while I do not pass, if I blend as well as I can, people are nice. I have never had a single person say anything negative to me. Once in a while I'll get a side eye, or someone in a store will no be particularly friendly, but that's OK, too. They have their own things going on.